Chapter 52
''Where have you been?'' Octavia walks up to me the moment she sees me back in camp.
''Long story, one I was just going to recap to Abby. You know where she is? Also, who beat the crap out of you?'' I stop in my tracks. She definitely looks like she's seen better days.
''Long story,'' she only waves off, ''Abby's in Tondc with Clarke, you know that.''
''Oh,'' I frown. Did she go? Of course she would. I should have guessed if not known.
But I need to tell her that we're at least twenty guns short as of this morning.
I mumble a quick ''thanks'' before moving on, to inform someone of the atrocity that somehow took place this morning, but Octavia stops me, grabs my arm.
''Hey, you okay?'' she asks.
''Yeah,'' I say, almost wave it off; though I don't know exactly how true that is. I'd say I feel okay, but there has to be some sort of difference between ''at peace with facts'' and ''okay''.
''Good,'' she nods, something fierce flashing across her green eyes. Even battered and bruised, Octavia's beauty radiates right through it all. For a moment I wonder if she takes it after her mother or her father. Bellamy is handsome, but they don't look too much alike, besides their dark hair.
I nod back, hoping I'm matching her determination and fierceness. She has even more at stake than I do, and she looks just about as strong as I've always imagined a warrior should be. I know I'm far from where she is, but I figure it's fake it 'til I make it. Maybe if I look like I have it all together, I eventually will. Maybe if I look like I have the courage to go against an entire Tri Kru squad of finest warriors, maybe I actually will.
I find David Miller and inform him about the stunt Jaha pulled. He's one of the guards in charge of weapons and over-looking the armory, and I figure he'll be the first to inform Abby the moment she's back, if I'm not.
After that, I haul ass to Raven's. I quite literally drag myself across the halls, and it becomes increasingly more difficult for me to keep the warrior facade the closer I get to her door. I'm terrified of the answer she'll give me.
''Anything?'' I ask the moment I step in.
''No,'' she says with a shake of her head, her frown of concentration ever-present.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep, shaky breath. When I open them again, my facade is back up.
''It's too early to expect anything, really,'' Raven says - she's not comforting me, she's just saying it as it is. And I know it's the truth. But whatever the outcome turns out to be, the waiting is the worst. And it's going to be progressively worse.
''I think it's safe to say he's in by now, though,'' I say, ''So we have to be ready.''
''Don't worry, I'm not leaving the radio.''
''I know.''
She finally looks up to meet my eyes, and gives me the smallest smile. I smile back, equally small and fleeting.
The moment I step back out into the hall, it's dad that's striding up to meet me, but he doesn't seem exactly ecstatic.
''Where have you been?!''
''It's a long story, I-''
''I've had to literally re-trace your steps on camp going from Octavia to the guards to Raven-,'' he flails his hands about, ''You can't just be disappearing like that!!!!''
''Dad-''
''No, you listen to me!!'' he grabs my arms now, looks me dead in the eyes, and I'd say he's angry if his eyes weren't glistening the way they always did when he was afraid, ''I don't care where you need to go, or what you need to do, but you're going to tell me. I've learned by now that I can't stop you, but the least you can do is tell me.''
Well, now I feel terrible. He's right. I owe him that much. It's enough that he as a parent has to let me be in dangerous situations all the time as much as he hates it. Without me making it even worse.
''I'm sorry,'' I say, ''And I didn't mean to stay out for the night, it just happened-''
''Those kids in Mount Weather?'' he shakes me once by the arms, ''Going out there alone, you could have joined them for all I knew.''
''Dad, they're not gonna take any more of our people, I promise you,'' I huff out a feeble laugh before hugging him, ''Least of all me, trust me.''
His arms around me tighten, before he pulls back. His hand on my arm is gentle now.
''You're strong, I know that,'' dad says, ''But- You seen those Grounders? Even the strongest of their warriors is not so strong by himself. Don't be building up walls quite so fast, sweetheart. You're not so alone just yet.''
But at this rate, I will be. Everyone I love either dies or leaves, and on some level I'm not quite conscious of yet, I know I'm terrified it won't stop. But I don't say it, of course.
''I know,'' I nod instead, ''I know, dad; I'm sorry. From now on, I'll keep you in the loop,'' I smile.
He smiles back before he leads us to the bar area. My stomach rumbling reminds me I'm hungry, so I let dad pick our modest meals and I tell him everything that's happened.
This - making him think he can still take care of me, making him feel involved in everything - it's my only way of protecting him right now.
*
The days pass slower than ever before. I feel like the sun is dragging itself across the sky at its slowest just to torment me. Isn't winter supposed to be coming? When I needed daylight, I seemed to lose it before I could blink. Now that I actually need time to go by faster, the sun lingers like it's mocking me.
I don't even know what I do around camp most of the time. Octavia's managed to put me in training with the Grounders now that she's Indra's second, but when I'm not getting my ass kicked, I'm sitting with Raven staring at the radio trying not to chew my fingernails and getting on Raven's every last damn nerve. She's under enough pressure as it is without me actually being a nervous wreck while looking all too suspiciously calm on the outside. And it's not like I'm magically going to summon Bellamy to the radio by just being there ready to pick up.
If he's even inside, and not a Reaper somewhere. The mere thought of it is like a knife to my spine. My mind is cruel and conjures up an image of Bellamy with dead eyes and blood dripping down his mouth as he's staggering toward me with intention to kill. I shudder and shake my head and the image disappears, but the uneasy feeling stays with me.
No, he's in. He has to be. He would find a damn way even if it killed him.
Killed him - what if they have? That I honestly can't even fathom. Oh, I can picture it, but it's just that - a picture. The reality of it, of him being gone and not in this world - that is something my brain can't comprehend in the slightest. It's not an option.
It's only day three, though. With all the complications that could have happened, it could still be early. Or at least it's what I tell myself. God, whatever the fuck Clarke's doing with Lexa right now, it better be damn good.
Training with the Tri Kru is ruthless. It's only been three days and getting out of bed in the morning is now a labor. I already have my fair share of bruises that are going to linger for a good while this time around. I know now how much care Octavia took when we trained not to hurt me too bad but still teach me a thing or two. The Grounders are not like that - they don't hold back the way she did. But I learn better. Oh, boy, do I learn. One smack across the face from Fio, and you'll learn to see the next one coming, because you're not going to let that fist float you into outer space again.
I only see Octavia briefly, a couple of times a day. She's constantly with Indra, or in Indra's inner circle, being trained the way a second should be trained, I suppose. But I don't particularly like having her too far away from us, from me. I feel it a duty to keep my eye on her now, for Bellamy, even though it's absolutely fucking absurd. That girl doesn't need me, and she can damn well take care of herself. But it's Bellamy's sister. A part of him that lingers here.
The Grounders are not all so scary once you earn their respect, it seems. I mean, not everyone's a Rand or a Lincoln, or even a Nyko, but it has quite frankly surprised me how kind they can all generally be, in their own way, once you gain some respect and trust. They're a hard people, but they're not the boogeymen they once seemed. Not anymore, at least. Fio or Drea kick my ass into next week, but then they offer me a hand up and pull me to my feet.
Indra herself is quick to slit your throat, but if she sees worth in your eyes, she's quick to pull the knife right back too, apparently. And If she's training Octavia, then Octavia's in good hands, I know that. But as Bellamy said, it will take time. The trust doesn't just build itself because someone ordered it. I will take time to trust them. But to even start forming any trust, you have to put your ass on the line and take some risks. Which is what I'm trying to do. Which is what Octavia's been doing for what seems a long time now.
*
Dawn hasn't even cracked when Octavia comes to wake me and ask me to come with them to escort Clarke and Abby back to camp as additional back-up. They're about to start on their way from Tondc, and Indra has selected a group of guerilla scouts and security already. Octavia's vouched for a spot for me, as she says. She knows me well enough to know that being out there in possibly immediate danger is less torture than sitting here waiting for a sign from Bellamy. For that, I'm beyond thankful.
But the thought of Clarke makes rage take over me all over again. I contain it though, and take the proposition. Being out there will at least make me feel like I'm actually doing something, if nothing else. So I gear up as quickly as I can before we're out the gates.
This time, I tell my dad where I'm going. To say he doesn't like it would be an understatement, but he doesn't say anything except to take care. I know what kind of sacrifice he's constantly making, and I hope he knows I'm grateful for that.
*
We encounter no danger on our way to Clarke and Abby. No Mountain Men, and no sign of them either. I do find some tracks, but that doesn't tell us much. I can tell Indra doesn't particularly like me or the fact that I'm here, but the realization that I'm actually a decent tracker seems to get me closer to her good books. Not that I care what she thinks of me, all I want is their training. All I want is to become as strong and as skillful and ready to clear my way to Bellamy if need be. But I'm a long way from that yet.
We don't really rest, and Indra's made us become one with the growth. The trees and bushes and the tall grass are our shields, our armor, our clothes, our very skin. At first, it's exhausting, but with time you're so immersed you forget yourself. You're no longer you, but a part of a larger body that exists beyond you. The focus becomes instinctive.
We meet up with our people and some of Tri Kru in escort in a shrouded place near Tondc. Everyone seems to greet each other, even the distrustful ones yet. Octavia gives Clarke a half-hug, but all I can do is look at her before stepping over to Abby. Clarke gives me an apologetic look, like she's using her eyes to say she's sorry. I do not care for her apologies right now. I don't say a word to her. Which is far better than the alternative. Instead I use the time to fill Abby in on everything that's happened, and the poor woman has so much on her mind she can barely make room for being mildly shocked.
Indra lays out the plan and her orders, and we soon leave them again. We're supposed to be secret escort after all, covering them with stealth. It doesn't take a genius to know that both Lexa and Clarke are extremely valuable, to whomever. If the Mountain Men have an ounce of brain - which they do - they know it too. And the Mountain has many eyes.
Indra lets me and Drea take point. Both being good trackers, and both being archers, it's best that we scout first. Drea has to be at least a year younger than me, but it's facinating how eerily silent and focused he gets, how ready to fight in an instant. They are trained since childhood, after all. Indra and Octavia are behind us, whereas Fio and the rest of the crew take the rear.
The first portion of the way back is uneventful, as expected, though we do stay alert just in case. No Mountain Man is stupid enough to come this close to Tondc. We only get some rest when Abby insists they take a short break, and even then we keep scouting around. The only break I get, I use to get some food and water in me.
Drea produces some bagel out of his pack, which looks like small-sized bread, before he breaks it in two and offers one of the halves to me. We have barely exchanged a couple of sentences, me and this boy, and yet here he is, sharing his bread with me. I pause for a second to fully comprehend it, because this seems important for some reason, and it's confirmed to me by the way Octavia looks on with a small smile lingering on her face, and the way Indra glances at us. I gulp, and take my half of the bread.
''Mochof (Thank you),'' I say with a respectful nod. Drea barely nods back, before taking a bite.
*
At night, we rest for barely over an hour. No one wants to waste time and no one wants to linger outside under the cover of night any more than necessary. We barely get to close our eyes, and even if I wanted to, I couldn't possibly.
I use the time to count my arrows and check my gear. I tighten my side-braids and curse at myself for only braiding two on my left side before we set out because there's too much loose hair going on now. I manage to secure it behind my head though. Octavia surprises me when she pulls out a small container with their warpaint and with a finger paints a horizontal line below each of my eyes that reaches my temples. For a moment I wonder what John would think of this, of the way I must look.
''Now you're all set,'' she smiles.
''I'm so glad I have someone to do make-up with,'' I joke dramatically, and she grins wide, and for a moment I see the Octavia I first met that loved nothing more than to play with butterflies and explore the unknown realm of the trees. Then Indra calls us back on our feet and that Octavia's gone in a blink of an eye.
*
It's once we're far outside Tondc territory that our nerves get back on egde. This is where we have to be at our most alert. Indra sends me and Drea further ahead with Octavia tailing us, and generally puts more distance between all of us so we can cover more ground.
There's not a cloud in the damn sky, as if on purpose. We keep low and we keep to shadows, Drea first, me behind him, and Octavia a safe distance behind me. I feel more confident when she's close, watching my back.
''Higher ground,'' Octavia says, and she doesn't need to say more. We know what it means. Higher ground, higher danger. Perfect for someone with a gun pointed at the road below, certainly. Chances are - if our enemies are outside at all - they are here somewhere, concealed.
Suddenly, I'm not eager to take point with Drea. If there's Mountain Men, they have guns, and all the best kind. A Grounder won't touch a firearm, but I find myself wishing for that M16 that served me so damn well in the past. Because I doubt an arrow will fly faster than a bullet. Grounders may be the better warriors but in some aspects they're undeniably behind us. And I'm not eager to catch a bullet.
But what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and that's why I'm here in the first place. I just hope it doesn't kill me.
I'm not stupid to not be aware of how far behind everyone I am when it comes to any of the skills a warrior needs. But this is how you learn. By risking your neck. So I take a deep, sharp breath and suck it up. And we keep on.
The hillside is treacherous. It's vast and it could conceal anything. When we split up and Octavia sends me a level higher, onto the rockside above them, I'm nervous to be alone.
But after less than a mile we find what we never wanted to find. And I don't even see it at first, the Mountain Men are so well concealed in the camouflage of the growth and the rocks, it betrays my very eyes. And in any other situation, it could have been the death of me, but I don't have time to be angry at myself now and I'll have plenty of time later. It's Drea that gives me a sign, keeping low in the bushes below me.
He motions toward the bushes among the rocks at the edge of the cliffside, and sure enough I see it now. Two of them, snipers. And Drea wants me to take a shot. I'm reluctant to until I see one of them aim at our party below. And when I realize it, in less than a split-second, in a surge of sudden panic, I pull that arrow and release it before I can blink, let alone think.
The sniper's dead, but the bullet's gone off. I don't even watch for the guy on the scope, all I want to know is if anyone caught that bullet - the bullet I was fucking expected to stop.
Then it all happens so fast - Octavia is running toward the man from one side, Indra and the rest from the other, and he has nowhere to run. I hastily clamber down the rocks, and by the time my feet hit the ground and I stand up straight, Octavia already has her machete against the Mountain Man's covered neck.
''Finish it!'' Indra commands.
And she's going to, but the next thing we know Clarke is riding in with the rest, shouting ''Octavia, no!''
Everyone in Indra's crew looks up in question, but I already know why.
''He's from Mount Weather, we need to keep him alive,'' Clarke says, ''Check to see if he's got a patch kit. We've got to get him back to camp.''
''It burns,'' the man keeps crying, and it's obvious Octavia's damaged his suit, ''Please, please!''
''Octavia,'' I call, tossing her the Mountain Men's pack lying right at my arm's reach. She catches it effortlessly and starts digging right through. What she pulls out, though, is a photograph.
"What is that?" Clarke asks.
''Clarke,'' Octavia says, showing the photo, ''You and Lexa were the targets."
''We have to warn the commander,'' Indra says, ''Sen op oso mou snap hosa gon Tondisi. Nau! (Send our fastest rider to Tondc, now!)''
In less than a second, a rider gallops away.
Clarke could have died just now. And she would have if I hadn't stopped it, but the way I did it - so bloody sloppy - she could have very well died because of me too. Now is the time to be angry at myself.
I reach down and pick up the sniper still lying an inch from the dead man's hands. With one foot I turn him out of my way, and pack up the gun. Tri Kru offended or not, we're going to need this baby. I'm taking it back to camp.
*
''You laik pis (You are angry),'' Indra tells me as we walk, ''Em na frag yu op (It will kill you.)''
This is the first time she's spoken to me directly, ever. Unless you don't count the general orders for everyone in the crew, which I don't. So I'm thrown aback when she speaks to me and it takes a moment for me to catch up. And really, what do I tell her?
''Ai na dig au. (I will learn.) Ai souda. (I have to.) Ai no laik kom nau chon ai gaf in bilaik na kik thru. (I am not yet who I need to be to survive.)'' The words find themselves, and I don't even have it in me to hope they're the right ones.
''Ge yo ogud den, Skai gada (Be ready then, Sky girl),'' she says, ''Or go home while you can.''
When she walks ahead and leaves me with that, I know that I now want this the way I never even considered. Just to prove her wrong, to prove that I can. I will train harder, become better. And protect those I love from warriors like her and cowering rats in hazmat suits like the Mountain Men.