Chapter 34
We lie in the somewhat humid warmth of our tent, my face on his chest and his arms around me. His fingers paint invisible shapes on my back while I listen to his heartbeat. Calm and silence; or at least as calm and silent it can get with the clamor of Camp Jaha outside and the million troubles bothering us all. We can never enjoy the moment of bliss for too long. There is always something; and I feel like there will always be something.
I sigh, ''You talked to Finn?''
His hand is playing with my hair now, ''Yeah. He'll be fine.''
I wonder if he's said that just to comfort me, or because he actually believes it. All of us have done things that we have to be able to come back from. Finn is no different, right?
''You think the Grounders are coming?''
''I don't know,'' he sighs, and I know he wanted to say 'yes'. Bellamy always expects the Grounders to come back. Always.
''We need to get our people back,'' I say, ''Not sit shaking in fear of the Grounders-''
''Everyone wants to get our people back,'' he assures me, ''But we can't get them back without a plan.''
''What's the plan then, Bellamy?'' I look up into his eyes, ''Because we've been sitting here for days while they might be getting slaughtered for all we know.''
''Working on it,'' he says, his thumb brushing over my lips, ''Trust me.''
I nod, calmed by his words, his touch. Hypnotized by his eyes. He's doing the best he can. And right now, here in his arms, everything doesn't seem as hopeless as it sometimes does.
''You wanted to talk to me about Murphy,'' I remind him.
''You first,'' he says, ''You used to be friends, right? Back on the Ark?''
''Right,'' I take a breath, ''More like siblings than friends, really. We kind of grew up together.''
''Really?''
''Yeah. When he wasn't being raised by his parents, he was being raised by mine. And honestly, it was much the same for me,'' I admit, ''His parents were good people. Alex Murphy treated me like a daughter of his own. They didn't have much, unlike us. We were over at my place more often than we were over at his,'' I remember, ''Especially later on, when things got bad.''
''What happened?'' Bellamy asks.
''It all went wrong when he lost his parents,'' I frown at the memories, ''It wasn't even the fact that he'd lost them, but... the way that he did.''
''What do you mean?'' he rakes his fingers through my hair.
''I, uh- I feel like he should tell you,'' I say, ''The whole story. I owe nothing to him, especially the John Murphy of now, but that John Murphy had shared those moments with me and I don't think it's my place to-''
''I get it,'' he kisses my forehead, ''I do.''
''Anyway, things went to shit. I tried to be there for him but I think he wanted to destroy himself. He pushed everyone away.''
Bellamy takes a moment, as though processing it all, before he says: ''It's hard to imagine a different Murphy.''
''Yeah, well, when we were kids, he was always... He was bad in school. And he was always causing trouble. But it was always in childish boundaries, you know?'' I smile despite myself, ''He was always territorial, always liked that place of power among the boys; that's for sure. But ultimately he was a good kid. The one who always tried to protect me from bad boys or potential bullies... He'd do anything to cheer me up whenever I felt like shit. He'd watch movies he hated with me over and over again just because he knew I loved them. When I got sick, dad would tell him to get the hell out because he'd catch it too, but no - he always stayed right there and cheered me up and brought me tea.''
Bellamy's arms around me tighten a bit.
''We were family to each other. We knew nothing else. It had been like that since we could remember and we couldn't imagine it being any different for the rest of our lives. It was just... the way things should be. Until it wasn't.''
Bellamy takes another moment, his fingertips still massaging my scalp gently. I don't think he really knows what to say. He knows what it's like to have a sister, so shedding this sort of light on John Murphy has to have him a bit baffled at least.
''I think I get it now,'' he says.
''What?''
''His anger,'' he replies, ''It makes more sense.''
''It doesn't justify anything,'' I argue, ''Not a damn thing.''
''No, it doesn't. But it explains things.''
''I don't owe him anything. Everything he did for me back on the Ark, I did for him too. That score is settled. But everything he did on the ground-?''
''He's been pardoned,'' Bellamy tries to reason.
''So what?! Am I supposed to just forgive him? For almost killing us all right before the Grounders? For almost killing you?''
Bellamy takes a big breath. He looks sort of resigned. As though he hasn't exactly forgiven, but he's just tired of holding grudges too.
''I think... we've all done things,'' he says finally, ''Myself included. As you said - that score is settled.''
''Well, you're free to forgive him for almost hanging you right before my eyes, but I can't.''
''You forgave me for hanging him.''
''That was different. You didn't hang him. That wasn't your choice. I understood that later. What he did - that was his deliberate choice.''
''True,'' he says, ''But he also saved my life.''
That takes a moment to sink in. ''What?'' I frown, looking up. He looks back, some sort of softness in his eyes and voice.
''A few days ago. Pulled me right back from over the cliff,'' he explains, ''If it hadn't been for him, I'd be dead. Finn and Monroe couldn't have held the rope.''
''I don't understand,'' I admit, ''After everything? I- He'd said he wanted you dead.''
''I think he just wanted payback, one way or another,'' he says, ''He got it, sort of.''
''So, you forgive him?!''
''He's forgiven me, I think. Another score settled.''
''Bellamy, I wouldn't trust him if I was you-''
''Of course not,'' he assures me, ''Giving someone another chance does not necessarily include being stupid. I always have an eye on him. You should too.''
*
Another day of discussing a potential plan among the Council members and Bellamy and Clarke has me anxious beyond belief. In my eyes, it's another day wasted. I can't even think about it, about what might be happening to our friends trapped in the mountain. If I think about it, I'll go crazy; so I try to keep both my hands and mind busy.
It's hard to find your place at camp when all you've known is hunting and gathering, or just standing watch and being a gunner. Now that the Ark is down, apparently there is no need for us 'kids' to do most of that anymore.
So I spend most of the day helping Raven around. I think she appreciates not having to move around for every little thing. She's really focused on fixing our radio problem, trying to contact the other stations. I've told her I already found two, and found no survivors - I told Abby as much. But there has to be survivors elsewhere. It's more need than faith - we need people.
The little free time I have around noon I spend training with Octavia. She's undoubtedly kicking my ass even though she's going easy on me. The truth is she needs her mind off things even more than I do. I seem to be helping her more than she's helping me.
At late lunch, I see Finn, eating like he barely has any will to, Murphy seated right next to him. Seeing Murphy almost has me turn the other way around, but Finn needs to know he isn't the devil and none of us think he is either. So I go and sit right across from them, mentally preparing myself for dealing with Murphy. It's Murphy that looks like he wants to get up and leave at the sight of me instead. None of us say anything for a long while as we eat.
''I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of miss hunting,'' I say, having another spoonful of the lousy stew in front of me, ''We could catch us a nice fat little boar. I could do with a fresh steak right about now.''
''The adults go hunting now,'' Murphy drawls, showing with the tone of his voice what he thinks about that, ''When I mastered knife-throwing I didn't think I'd end up mopping floors.''
''Be glad you get that much,'' I spit before I can stop myself.
''Tasha. Don't,'' Finn says.
''You're taking his side,'' I say sarcastically, ''The Doomsday is truly upon us.''
''There are no sides anymore,'' Finn says.
''Well, I've suddenly lost my appetite,'' Murphy stands up, ''You have fun in your... self-pity and- being an unrelenting bitch.''
''Screw you, Murphy.''
He walks away like he just doesn't care anymore. Finn gives me a look I can't exactly discern, before we both just give up on everything and try to make ourselves eat despite the loss of appetite. Why is everything so crappy?
''You talked to Clarke?'' I ask after a while.
''No,'' he swallows, looking at his plate still.
''She just needs time, Finn. She's just overwhelmed.''
''Yeah.''
''It's time to move on the mountain and put all of this behind us. Murphy's right; we can't wallow in self-pity.''
''She can't even look at me,'' he hisses, now looking straight into my eyes. He looks so lost. So lost and confused and hurt.
''You don't get it, Finn,'' I reason, ''What happened is on her shoulders as much as it's on yours. Can't you see that?''
His resolve shatters a bit as he looks at me. He is understanding, slowly. ''I did what I did. It was my fault.''
''But you put it on her shoulders. You did it for her even though she never asked you to or wanted you to,'' I insist, ''We've all done things, Finn. The blood I spilled and lives I took? I'd never put those on Bellamy.''
He takes a moment, frowns harder, his eyes falling on the table. He understands what I mean, but it doesn't help as I wanted it too. It just seems to throw him even deeper into the sea of self-pity.
''I never seem to stop hurting her,'' he says.
''We've all hurt people we love,'' I say, ''Suck it up.''