Chapter 17
Even as it's happening, I can't believe that it's happening. I don't even have time to ponder it as we're already making our way out of camp, all but tiptoeing through the shadows. The whole place seems asleep, and the few people that are awake and on duty, we manage to avoid thanks to Rand, with a breath stuck in my throat the whole time. When I sneak up to their armory tent to pick up my rifle though, he almost stops me, his huge hand clamping down on my arm, freezing me for a moment too long. I know that I am stretching his trust to its limits - for all he knows I could kill him and everyone in this camp while they sleep. But I'm not leaving that M16 behind.
So I give it to him. Let him carry it until we're far enough. He's reluctant for a moment, as though the prospect of touching the gun disgusts him, but then he takes it by the belt and straps it across his back. We don't speak as we move through the lower growth, rushing through the dead silence of the night, never stopping until we're far enough from the perimeter.
''Thank you,'' I say once we've finally reached safety. I feel such an odd sense of gratitude toward this kind stranger that me saying a simple thank you makes me feel stupid. He nods, and hands me the gun back. ''Good luck,'' he says, before he turns around to walk away.
''How do you know I won't bring my people right back and attack before you attack us?'' I ask, stopping him in his tracks.
''The camp won't be there first light,'' he replies over his shoulder.
I nod in understanding. I wonder if he might be punished for my escape, and how severely. Guilt mixes with gratitude. They were easier to hate before this guy decided to talk back.
''Stay alive, Rand,'' I tell him, ''Stay safe.''
He pauses for a short moment, and it's enough time for me to berate myself for what I've said. We're supposed to be enemies. When they come for us, and they will, chances are I might face him at the other side of my gun.
''You shouldn't go back,'' he tells me instead. For a moment, I'm taken aback.
''And where would I go?'' I ask, ''I'd rather die with them than live alone out here until something eats me. There is no other way. If we die, we die.''
''You should all go then,'' Rand says, ''Leave. Move someplace else.''
''How can we do that?'' I hiss, ''We'd die on the way; there's no way-!''
''You will die if you stay,'' he firmly yet calmly interrupts me, like he's delivering a certain fact, ''This way you stand a chance.''
''Why do you care?'' I ask.
''You said it yourself,'' he says, ''You never meant for any of this to happen. You never meant to start a war. Or was that a lie?''
''I swear to you,'' I step up to him so he can look me right in the eyes, ''There wasn't a lie spoken between me and you, not a single one since they put me in there, so help me god.''
He pauses for a moment, never looks away from my eyes. He must have seen the tears biting at the corners of them. I know that he believes me; I know he knows I'm telling him the truth. And how could he not? I'm ready to bleed for it, right before him.
''Whatever it is you believe, we don't enjoy war,'' he only says, ''Just like you, I wish it hadn't come to this. But war has started, and there isn't much either you or I can do to stop it. So this is my last warning to you.''
''Thank you,'' I say again, ''Good luck, Rand.''
He nods, and in less than a couple of seconds he is lost in the shadows. He slips away so fast, it'd be easy for me to wonder if I've dreamt this all up.
I grip my rifle, suddenly aware of my aloneness in the dark night, outside in the woods. I have to move right away and put more distance between me and the Grounder camp, but it's dangerous when I can hardly see where I'm stepping. I would give anything for a full moon.
The dawn starts breaking soon enough, and then it becomes easier to move, though I suppose I'm easier to spot as well. I keep to the shadows and remain careful, though I can't help impatiently rushing ahead through the bushes. I can't wait to be back at camp, and I don't dare look back.
Hours must have passed by the time I reach the vicinity of our Drop-Ship, because the sun is already at its highest in the sky. Our camp looks tiny to the eye, but it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I resist the urge to cry.
*
There is a small scouting party outside the walls, it seems - and I quickly recognize Bellamy and Finn among them. With the sun this high up, I hold a prayer in my throat that they won't confuse me for the enemy. I don't think I can take a bullet on top of everything I've been through.
I want to shout, and I want to run to them, but I am completely out of strength. I don't know who saw me stumble through the woods first.
''Tasha?!''
I hurry ahead, and throw myself at the person closest to me. It's Finn. I hold on to him like I'm holding on for dear life - I need to hold onto him - and I hug him so tight never remembering that he has a fresh wound of his own. Tears sting at the corners of my eyes, and I want to cry so badly. I've never been so happy to see someone in my entire life, never felt so at home, never so glad that the nightmare is over.
''Are you okay?'' Finn asks me, warily, as we pull back. He frowns as he inspects my face, as though he's trying to read my eyes for what's happened, ''What happened to you, where have you been-?''
''I'm fine,'' I stutter, ''Just a bit shaken-''
''There's blood on your head,'' Bellamy says. He approaches me and looks closely. Then he outstretches his hand as though he wants to touch me, but at the same time isn't quite sure if he should. ''You're bruised- Did they-?''
''Just a punch or two, I'm fine,'' I assure him, shaking my head, ''We need to be ready. They're coming, and they know everything-''
''How'd you escape?'' Myles asks.
''Long story, let's get inside-''
''Woah, woah, woah, wait,'' Finn stops me, grabbing my arm, ''Don't go into the Drop-Ship. There's a virus raging, a bunch of people are sick. We need to get you in a virus free tent. Come on.''
''Virus?'' I ask, ''Wha- How?''
''Murphy,'' Bellamy says, as though that explains everything.
''Murphy?!'' I ask.
''He came three nights ago, on the day you disappeared. He was sick,'' Finn explains, ''Got us all coughing up blood. We've already had one casualty. Derek died on the spot.''
''Oh, my God,'' I breathe in horror, every hair on my body standing upright.
''Exactly,'' Finn nods, ''It's a mess around here.''
''I've been with Murphy,'' I tell them, ''We were held hostage together. When they took him away, I- They said they wouldn't kill him, but that we might wish they had.''
Bellamy curses, and kicks the ground, realizing what this is. Some of the boys have a similar reaction. Finn just leads me away.
''We need to get you fixed up,'' he says.
*
Finn helps me wash my face and clean wound on my head - it must have opened under impact of the first hit I took and never had a chance to start healing. He brings me water and food too, which I try not to swallow all at once. I haven't really felt hunger until this moment, and I'm grateful that I still can.
Everyone else at camp is either sick or busy tending to the sick and guarding the camp.
''It doesn't need stitches,'' Finn tells me, ''Which is good because Clarke is sick as well.''
''Is she okay?'' I ask.
''Yeah, I'd say so,'' he says, though with worry lacing every word, ''She seems to be storming right through it. She's been taking care of the others.''
''Finn, I sat right across from Murphy,'' I tell him, ''If I don't have it by now, I won't have it at all.''
''We don't know that,'' Finn argues, ''Bellamy and I are not showing symptoms either, but we might yet. We've all been in contact.''
''Then you've already given it to me, if Murphy hasn't,'' I smile.
''That's not anything to smile about,'' he smiles back.
''I'm just happy to be back,'' I admit.
''Are you sure you're okay?'' he asks carefully, ''What exactly did they do to you?''
''Not to me. To Murphy,'' I say, ''They cut him for every lie they thought I'd said.''
At first he just frowns. Then, when the full realization sinks in, he almost drops the bandages. He knows what John Murphy meant to me once, and the whole thing is disturbing even without that aspect. I can see that he wants to say something, but he doesn't know what.
''It seems you're not exactly part of a dying breed though, peacemaker,'' I add with a smile, changing the subject.
''What do you mean?'' he asks, back to dabbing at my wound.
''A Grounder helped me escape,'' I say, ''Most of them are just... They're just people, Finn. A hard people, but no less human than us. I don't think I ever understood that before.''
''It's easy to forget,'' Finn says.
''They're just- I guess they're just protecting their own,'' I add, ''We burned their villages, Finn. If that's as true as I think it is... that's fucked up.''
''It is,'' he nods, finishing up on my injury.
''He told me we should try and move away somewhere. Leave this place,'' I recount, ''He gave ma advice, Finn. Good-willed advice. I-''
''Hey,'' he interrupts me, stops me from busting my head thinking about this, ''You need to rest now. We might need you soon. Okay?''
''Okay,'' I say. He gives me a small smile, before he turns to walk away.
''Finn?'' I stop him.
''Hm?'' he turns over his shoulder
''When they took me, did you guys-?'' I stutter, ''Did anyone-''
''We searched until we were forced to go back,'' he smiles, and again saves me the struggle. I feel almost embarrassed to have asked, but at the same time, I needed to know. I don't know why, but I did.
''And we've had scouting parties every day,'' he adds, ''Jasper was particularly vocal about searching for you. We couldn't risk going too far and getting scattered though.''
''Good. Because that was their plan,'' I tell him, ''Scattering you. Weakening us.''
''Well, this virus has weakened us enough,'' Finn says with a sigh, ''You should get some sleep now. Oh, and one more thing-''
''What?''
''I know it's not really my place but-,'' he starts, ''You and Bellamy - is there... something going on?''
''Why do you ask?'' I say, hoping he doesn't hear my heart thumping the way I hear it in my ears, hoping I look as genuinely surprised as I'm trying to look.
''I don't know, he was just- He was going crazy, searching for you. Bent on finding you but unable to leave the camp for too long, it was driving him nuts. If he was ever unpleasant to be around, you should have seen him these past few days,'' Finn explains, ''He was out there every waking minute. He'd go far into the woods too, trying to track you down, and I couldn't leave him alone, so... Let's just say I've had my fair share of Bellamy Blake these days. Enough to last me a lifetime.''
''Sorry,'' I chuckle. I know Finn is not exactly Bellamy's biggest fan.
''Yeah,'' he huffs with a smile, ''I'm glad he did, I've just- Beside Octavia, I've never seen him give two shits about anyone except himself.''
''Maybe you should consider cutting him some slack and keeping an open mind a little bit. You might be surprised,'' I give him a smile, hoping that I've successfully diverted the whole tone of the conversation, ''I really think he would have done that for anyone. As all of you would.''
''Yeah, I don't know. Just-,'' he starts, then decides to drop it, ''Just be careful. Okay?''
''Okay,'' I say.
*
When I wake up, I want to go out and help Clarke, but they don't even let me near her, let alone inside the Drop-Ship. I think I would have showed signs by now, but I can't fight the whole perimeter either. So I give in and accept the duty I'm given - checking guns and watching the perimeter. It doesn't do anything to keep my mind off our impending doom, even as I sweep the treeline. If anything, it's only making me even more jittery and nervous, and the fact that the camp might be dying and I'm not doing shit to stop it is not helping.
Another boy dies soon. It isn't anyone I knew too well, but that doesn't make it easy. If the Grounders attacked now, we'd be done for. What are they waiting for? We're already defeated - if not all in body, then in spirit.
Other kids start bleeding and collapsing soon. When Myles drops - Myles who has been out of the camp's borders most of the time - we know the quarantine is not working.
When a girl drops right next to me, bleeding out of her nose and ears, I can't help but catch her. It's instinctive; I don't think. There's no more escaping it anyway - no more pretending we get to quarantine anything. It's spreading.
I grab the black-haired girl whose name I never remembered, and carry her into the Drop-Ship, struggling by myself. Blood and vomit is suddenly everywhere, and the stench of sickness presses against my skin. This might be our end; I know it as I know the sun sets in the west every day. This might be our end.
People start panicking faster than any one of us would have liked. Survival instincts start kicking in, and people start turning on each other. With the guns that we've brought back to camp, we might kill each other before this sickness ever gets a chance to. ''Clarke,'' I call her desperately. She's been so preoccupied with the sick that she never stopped to take a look outside. Once she does, she has plenty to see.
*
It takes a bullet shot into the sky to get everyone to stop screaming and fighting, if only for a moment. Things were already getting too dangerous, and if we don't restire some morale, we will be our own doom.
"This is exactly what the Grounders want! Don't you see that?!'' Clarke yells at the whole camp before her, ''They don't have to kill us if we kill each other first!!"
"They won't have to kill us if we all catch the virus. Get back in the damn dropship!" someone shouts.
"Not to state the obvious,'' Bellamy tells her, ''But your quarantine isn't working."
Clarke collapses.
*
Finn catches her instinctively, before Raven can warn him not to touch her.
"Hey, let me go,'' Clarke argues, with barely strength enough to keep her eyes fully open, ''I'm okay."
"No, you're not,'' Finn argues.
"Octavia will come back with a cure,'' she insists.
''There is no cure!''
We all turn around. Octavia stands at the gates, empty-handed.
''What do you mean there is no cure?!?'' I ask, ''They wouldn't risk themselves that way! Would they?''
''Well, I guess they would,'' Octavia concedes, joining us, ''But the good news is, the Grounders don't use the sickness to kill."
"Really? Tell that to them!'' Bellamy argues, pointing at the covered bodies near our cemetary ground, ''I warned you about seeing that Grounder again!"
"Yeah? Well, I have a warning for you, too!'' Octavia growls back, ''The Grounders are coming. And they're attacking at first light.''
With that, she leaves, helping Finn carry Clarke back inside. Like it's the easiest, most natural thing in the world.
''First light,'' I breathe. That can't be. That is so soon. Too soon. There is no way we could have prepared ourselves. What the hell are we gonna do?!
"How many bullets can you make by first light?" Bellamy asks Raven. Raven doesn't say anything, but the look on her face says it all. I don't like seeing Raven in distress; she's the one that's supposed to have the ideas around here.
''Raven?'' I ask. She just swallows and rushes back to her tent, angry more than anything.
''Hey you,'' I make myself give a smile to Jasper. It's the first time I've seen him since I got back. With no less than three quick strides, I slam into a hug and wrap my arms around him. He hugs back, joking and saying about something me being un-Grounder-killable. I tell him that makes two of us.
''Finn said you were, and I quote, particularly vocal about searching for me,'' I tell him, ''I may not always look it, but... it means a lot.''
''You already did it for me,'' Jasper shrugs.
*
"There's five to a clip. Let's go,'' Bellamy announces, ''We need to get these guns on the wall.''
"Why just five?" Monty asks, just as I'm about to panic about it.
"We're running out of gunpowder,'' Raven replies, defeat slumping her shoulders, hollowing her voice out. Her defeat only makes me infinitely more nervous.
"Oh, we're so dead,'' Harper whines.
"Don't worry,'' Jasper says all flirtily, ''I got your back."
''Would you look at him!'' I grin, grateful that there's something disspelling the tension. Monty only scoffs.
"Got something to say?" he turns on Monty, much to my surprise. What has happened while I was gone?
"Hey, guys, stay focused,'' Raven interrupts, ''We're doing good. We need as many rounds done by dawn as we can."
"It won't matter if there's no one left who can shoot,'' Finn walks into the tent with the depressing truth, ''What do we need to build a bomb?"
''A bomb?'' I frown. It's not the worst, as far as ideas go, but coming from Finn it's weird to say the least.
"Depends on what you're trying to blow up,'' Raven replies.
"How about a bridge?" Finn offers.
"What are you talking about?" Bellamy asks.
"Murphy says he crossed a bridge on his way back here from the Grounders' camp,'' Finn explains, ''Sound familiar?"
"Yeah,'' Bellamy says, ''So what?"
"So the virus is fast. He's already getting better,'' Finn says, ''Blowing the bridge won't stop the attack, but the longer we can delay it, the more of us will be able to fight."
"Even if Murphy is telling the truth, and that's a big 'if'-,'' Bellamy starts.
''He's telling the truth,'' I interrupt him. He looks back at me, right in the eyes. ''Trust me,'' I tell him.
''Okay, even with Murphy telling the truth,'' Bellamy continues, ''That bridge has survived a nuclear war and ninety-seven years of weather."
''It won't survive me,'' Raven says determinedly. And suddenly, I'm not so nervous anymore. I believe her.