Chapter 18
Standing there watching Raven handle the newly made bomb, amidst all the hectic craziness, I think of Murphy. A part of me wants to go see him; another part doesn't want to face him. A huge, irrational part of me feels guilty for what the Grounders did to him. And an equally huge part is angry - furious at myself. Why do I still care about him? Should I still care?
Everything now seems like it was more simple back on the Ark. Nostalgia can romanticize the heck out of one's past, but the truth is - things were every bit as complicated. The concept of survival was the same, it was just that the ways of surviving that were different. The fear was the same, it was just that we were afraid for slightly different reasons. I used to fear my mother dying, and my father knowing too much for his own good. I used to fear getting caught stealing medicine, or just running out of our stock. I used to fear that flu that John had caught once - I was so scared he was going to die. He didn't let me see him for the entirety of his ailment, though I constantly tried. I made sure to knock on his door every day just to be certain he was still breathing. Back on the Ark, I was afraid of a lot of things - but somehow I always knew John and I would persevere together, side by side.
Now we're this. We're both people I no longer knew, me as much as him.
"If we do this and it doesn't work, we'll all be dead tomorrow,'' Bellamy states.
''Then let's make sure it works,'' Raven says, back in her full confidence, ''To be safe, you need to be at least two hundred feet away to make the shot."
"No problem,'' he says, ''Which one of you plants the bomb?"
"I will,'' Finn says, with hesitation. We all hesitated, so no blame there. Nobody wants to be the person carrying the explosive. It's courageous enough to be the first one to offer.
"You won't pick up a gun, but blowing people up, that you're okay with?" Bellamy asks him.
"We're blowing up a bridge,'' Finn argues, ''There's not gonna be any people on it."
"Finn, we have one bomb,'' I say, tentatively, ''I think the smart thing to do would be to try and take down as many of them with it as possible."
"But they don't know we only have one bomb. If we did, why would we waste it on the bridge?'' Finn says, a hint of a smile reaching the corners of his mouth, ''I'm talking about deterrents, peace through strength."
"The appearance of strength, you mean,'' Raven suggests.
"Yeah."
"Men who built the A-bomb thought they were peacemakers, too. How'd that work out for them?" Bellamy argues. I know he's taunting Finn,but just as I'm about to say something, I see blood. His blood. A breath stops in my throat.
''Bellamy, you're bleeding,'' I say, petrified.
"Don't touch anything!'' Raven warns.
"Who else can take the shot?" Finn asks.
''We need to get you to the Drop-Ship,'' I ignore. Bellamy gives me the shortest look that goes right through my spine. Then he turns back to Finn.
"Appreciate the concern,'' Bellamy tells him, ''Make sure the bomb is packed and ready to go in ten minutes.''
He leaves the tent. I follow after - he might collapse.
''Jasper, come here!'' he calls the other boy.
"Hi. You need me to go with you to the bridge again?" Jasper asks, oblivious.
"I need you to take the shot,'' Bellamy tells him.
"Yeah,'' Jasper nods, ''I can do that."
''Are you sure?'' I ask.
Just then, Bellamy drops.
*
I catch him instinctively, throwing his left arm around my shoulders to prop him up. Jasper takes a step back. I feel the eyes of half the people in this camp watching us. Bellamy's nose starts bleeding more severely, leaving heavy, thick drops on the ground.
"Don't you have jobs to do?!" he shouts. It's effective - the crowd quietly disperses.
"If you miss,'' he tells Jasper breathily, struggling, ''If that bridge doesn't blow, we're all dead. You got that?"
''Bellamy, you have to get to Clarke right <i>now</i>,'' I hiss at him.
"Hey, why me?'' Jasper asks, ''I mean, you've got twenty available shooters, at least half of them better than me.''
''I can try,'' I offer.
''No,'' Bellamy cuts me off.
''I'm the only one that's not sick for sure, right?" Jasper says more than asks, putting it together. He doesn't like this task at all now.
''As far as we know,'' I say, giving him an apologetic smile.
"Right,'' Bellamy repeats, ''Don't miss."
''Somebody help me get him to the Drop-Ship!'' I practically growl at the crowd. Bellamy is losing strength fast and getting much heavier, and when he drops again, I can barely hold him up by myself.
''Make the shot,'' he tells Jasper again, struggling, ''Find Finn. Go.''
By the time we get him into the Drop-Ship, Bellamy's bleeding so severely and coughing up so bad that my very insides are twisting in fear. Octavia rushes to his side immediately, and I am told to get the hell out before my lucky ass collapses as well. I obey Clarke, against all my instincts. In the corner of my eye, I catch Murphy helping out Connor with a wet cloth, trying to get his fever down. For some reason, it makes me wonder. Can we ever go back from what we've become?
*
I step outside, sit down against the Drop-Ship and pull my knees up to try and vanquish the fear that gnaws at my stomach. I take a deep breath. Bellamy will be alright. He'll be alright, just like Clarke, just like John.
I jump back on my feet the moment I see Jasper and Finn, ready to go. They could use back-up, just in case. And I'll do anything not to be in this camp right now, waiting out the fear.
''Guys, I'm coming with you,'' I hurry to them.
''It's gone,'' Finn announces, peeking back out from the tent, a terrified look on his face.
''What's gone?'' I ask, confused. I stride ahead, turn the flap open. No bomb.
''Monty! Where's Raven?!" Finn asks, panicking.
"She left a while ago,'' Monty replies.
''Oh, my God,'' I breathe.
"The bomb,'' Finn says, his hands shaky, ''She's planting it herself."
''Come on, let's go!'' I shout as we break into a run.
*
We run so fast that it might be considered reckless - the Grounders could be anywhere, everywhere. Still, neither of us can even think about that. Our feet carry us on their own, the possible threat of losing Raven more important than anything. What the hell was she thinking?!
Finn runs first, then Jasper behind him with the rifle, with me a safe distance behind, following every jump and twist and turn Finn is leading us through. I can soon hear the blood thumping in my head, pulsating. None of us may ever have time enough to pause and recover fully, yet I don't even feel the pain. All that exists is the ground before me. I can't trip up. Heat rushes into my head and washes over me, sweat making one of the cuts on my face sting. Faster. Faster!
Has the bridge always been this far?
''Do you hear that?" Jasper asks breathily. Do we hear it?! It's thundering through the air!
"War drums,'' Finn announces, before we take off running again. This is it. Now is the time. No room for fear. Run.
"Oh, we're running toward the war drums?'' I can hear Jasper whine, ''Oh, I hate this plan."
''We're close,'' I say, ''Come on, hurry!''
We find Raven on the bridge, but she's on the ground. It takes me a moment to realize she can't really move - she doesn't even have strength enough to prop herself up.
''Raven!!!!!'' instinctively, I shout. She doesn't turn back. The drums are louder. They're getting closer. I scream her name again; we all do. It's to no avail - she can hardly move - and my heart is beating so hard, I think it might fail me. I might actually drop dead right this instant. War drums. Horse hooves. They'll run her over if she doesn't get away.
"She's still building the bomb,'' Jasper realizes. Finn jumps on his feet immediately and moves to start running.
''Hey!! Finn, wait! No!'' Jasper grabs him, stops him in his tracks, ''She's got this."
The Grounders are so close now that I can hear the horse hooves. Screw the bomb and the bridge, if she doesn't move now she might get run over.
''Raven!!!!'' I helplessly yell again, like calling out will make her move faster.
"Raven, get out of there now!!!!" Jasper shouts. But she can't. She can't.
''Finn, go get her,'' I tell him, ''We've got the shot.''
"Line it up,'' he nods, and tears off toward Raven.
I look to Jasper. He aims and gets ready, but his nervousness is overflowing. It's contagious. His breathing is irregular, he's gulping every two seconds, and his hands are shakier than I'd like. I don't like the way that vein pulsates on his neck either. He can't fuck this up.
"Shoot!!!'' Finn shouts, having all but dragged Raven off that bridge. The Grounders are now just out of our line of vision, about to step in any moment now. ''Jasper!! Shoot!! Shoot!!!"
''Come on, you got this,'' I urge him, trying not to shake entirely.
Jasper takes a deep breath, and pulls the trigger.
And misses.
The Grounder army is now upon us, first of the cavalry visible through the forest on the other side. Jasper takes another shot, and misses again, much to his potentially lethal frustration. He can't lose it now.
''Focus!'' I hiss, but my visibly high anxiety isn't exactly helping him either. The Grounders are coming closer. Jasper misses again. If I took the shot, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do much better than him.
''Come on, Jasper!!!'' I almost shriek.
He tries again, but this time all we hear are the hollow clicks of an empty gun. And I suddenly get so light-headed that I think I might faint any moment now.
"You call that shooting?" I hear a familiar voice call from behind us.
"Monty?!''
I take the rifle from the boy that appears out of nowhere, heaven-sent. Monty Green always thinks ahead and thinks about everything, has everyone covered. I could kiss him right now.
''How many rounds?'' I ask.
"Three,'' he replies.
''You got this?'' I ask Jasper, offering the gun.
''No, you try,'' he says hurriedly, making some room for me.
I nod and position the gun. I don't have time or courage enough to stop and think. I aim through the scope, and at first I think it's the old tech on the gun that's making my vision blurry. Then, my hands slip off the gun like I have zero control over them, like they're not mine to control at all. I drop to the ground, and in another moment spot the thick, red drops of blood pooling below me on the grass. Time suddenly makes no sense. It might have lasted an hour, my fall.
''Tasha!'' Monty grabs me first. I don't really see clearly, but I assume Jasper's hands are back on the gun.
''Guess it was just meant to be,'' I struggle to tell Jasper, but it sounds like I'm wheezing. It's so difficult to talk. My lungs feel so small and my breaths so shallow.
Monty props me up, but it doesn't really help my condition.
''You got this,'' I hear him tell Jasper. My lids are so heavy, and it's almost a comfort from the strain of the blurriness to keep my eyes closed.
Jasper shoots again, but no explosion follows. He curses.
"Did you not hear me say you got this?" Monty urges him on. I want to say something too, but it's like my lips are numb. I'm struggling to stay conscious, when a deep slumber is beckoning me, like a seductive creature with a mind of its own.
Jasper shoots again, but this time he doesn't miss. The explosion blasts off so strongly that it almost sweeps the three of us off our feet as well and sends us flying backward. I use all of my remaining strength to open my eyes, to really look. I can make out the bodies of the Grounders and their horses scattered around, like poppies on a field. I don't have it in me to feel the horror.
Then, darkness consumes me. Gently, yet all at once.
*
I'm not lucid the entire way back. And I'm not sure how much time has passed before I truly regain my consciousness for the first time. John Muphy's scarred face is the first thing I see when I open my eyes. Well, half-see. My vision is still blurred and I am pretty sure I'm bleeding from my eyes. He cleans my face gently with a wet rag, then gives me some water to try and drink, but it's a struggle to get anything down my throat. It's like my insides are on fire.
''You're not afraid of me?'' he taunts, ''Not gonna ask me to get the hell away from you?''
''When did I ever fear you, John?'' I say more than ask, though it takes more of my strength than I thought it would.
''Maybe you should,'' he offers, ''You said yourself you don't know me anymore.''
''I don't think I fear anyone anymore,'' I retort, breathing heavily - words are exerting as much of my strength as running around the perimeter would have a couple of days ago, ''So if you're gonna kill me or something - now's your chance.''
I may be half blind, but I catch the change. I catch the hurt. He pulls back a bit, the way he would if I were to stab him.
Thoughts of it all escape me instantly as a violent fit takes over - I am suddenly coughing so horribly that I feel like my lungs are being torn into pieces. Whatever is inside won't let me breathe, and as much as I try to grasp for air all I can do is cough and cough and cough until I see blood on the floor below me. In that one moment before I start losing consciousness again, I know I am suffocating. John drops whatever he was holding and turns me over on my side and finally, finally, my body starts pushing it out. All the blood and phlegm that was blocking my lungs spills on the floor, and I gasp for air like it's the last bit I'll ever inhale. Darkness in the corners of my vision recedes. I don't dare lie back on my back again. John grabs a fresher wet rag, and cleans my face. The feeling of its coldness is so soothing on my burning skin.
For a while, we don't talk, at least not until my body calms down. I'm still shaking from the fit, and I can't get myself to think, let alone speak. Suddenly, I feel so full of it all. I just want to cry. I'm so sick of everything, I'm so tired, and I just want to cry. But I think that if I tried to cry, I'll only start suffocating again.
''Bellamy-,'' I croak after a while, ''How is he-''
Murphy pauses a moment, as though contemplating whether or not he should tell me. He probably hates Bellamy still, and I can't exactly blame him either.
''He's better,'' he finally says, ''Most people are. Just you, Raven and two other kids here.''
''That's good,'' I say, but every word provokes me into a cough. I try to focus n breathing steadily. Not too deep, or too shallow. Either way threatens to have me choking.
John washes the rag again and presses it against my forehead and cheek. He cleans what I assume is new blood. I appreciate it silently.
''Where's Clarke?'' I ask. If she trusted Murphy with the sick then surely this one's for the history books.
''Don't worry, she's been here the entire time,'' he says, as though reading my mind.
''Leave her,'' Bellamy's authoritative voice booms from somewhere. I can't see him with my back to the entrance, and if I move I'm pretty sure I'm dead. Murphy gives him a dirty look for one very, very long moment, before he lifts his hands in surrender, drops the rag on my ''bed'', and takes a few steps back.
''As you command, Bellamy,'' he taunts sarcastically, before he leaves us be.
I am relieved to see that Bellamy at least looks as good as new, although the worry is making him look at least five years older. He picks up the where Murphy left off - wetting the rag and pressing it against my forehead. I shudder; my fever must be higher.
''Heard you were gonna take the shot,'' Bellamy says.
''Right before I dropped dying,'' I retort.
''You'll storm right through it,'' he says, washing my neck now, ''We all did.''
''Not all,'' I say. We'd started off with two graves, but there has to be at least fifteen by now, I'm sure of it. He doesn't argue with me on that.
''Have we heard from the Ark?'' I ask.
''No,'' he responds, tapping gently on my skin. I'm shivering now, and not because of all the bad news. We could really use a lucky break right about now. If there is a god, can he give us something? Just one thing, anything?
''The Grounders are still coming, you know that right?'' I remind him, ''You should be out there, not wasting time here with me.''
''We've scared them off for a while,'' Bellamy says, almost calmly. Like we get to relax.
''You don't know them,'' I argue, ''You didn't hear them, Bellamy! Blood must have blood, they said! They're coming.''
''We're doing what we can-''
''You're not doing enough! Just go and d-''
''Stop pushing me away!'' It's not the first time we've argued or raised our voices at each other, but this time - it leaves me mute. He catches me off-guard with this, and I don't know what to say. Even if I knew, I couldn't. Suddenly, again, I feel like I'll fall through the earth.
''I have to-''
I never finish the sentence. Or maybe I have finished it, but can't remember. I have fallen into a deep darkness, away from them all, and the last thing I hear in the distance before being consumed by it is Bellamy's voice, chasing after me.
''Murphy, get Clarke!!!!!!!!!!''