Chapter 10
My first period on Earth is the most painful one of my life, if not the most painful in history of the entire human existence. I wonder if the Grounders know some sort of plant I could chew on for instant menstrual pain relief. All I have is some crappy tea and someone's jacket over my tummy that Clarke has kept warm over the fire, as I lie curled up in a fetus position and try not to wail the way Jasper did when he was skewered by that spear.
It had started in the night and didn't let me sleep throughout. It must be the sudden change of living conditions that has me dying on this cot, and I assume it will get better as time passes and our bodies get used to the Earth. I seem to be the first girl to break the ice too. I didn't worry about this before, but now I start thinking about how many times you can wash and boil a menstrual cup for it to be sanitary again. Crap. We'll have to make some makeshift pads soon.
''Hopefully it's not this painful for all of us,'' Clarke says as she pushes back a strand of hair from my sweaty face. Hot sweat, cold sweat. Hot sweat, cold sweat. The vicious cycle.
''Well, as long as we don't sync with each other,'' I joke, ''Then we're screwed.''
''Who's screwed?'' Bellamy enters the tent with Jasper in tow, ''She okay?''
''Yeah, just a bad period,'' Clarke explains.
''Look at you, not running away,'' I chuckle.
''Hey, I raised my sister,'' Bellamy argues with a smirk. He looks worried though. About us, about the Ark, about the people that could end up lying on his conscience.
''I grew up with Monty,'' Jasper shrugs. We all look at him in question. ''Let's just say he has an over-sharing mother,'' he responds.
Laughter fills the air through the tent, for the first time since an eternity ago.
''Listen,'' Bellamy speaks seriously now, ''Octavia's not in camp. She's been away a few hours now and I'm not gonna panic yet but-''
''Don't worry, Bellamy. It's Octavia, she's probably chasing butterflies again,'' Clarke says.
''Wait, when was the last time you saw her?'' I manage to ask.
''When she came after me,'' he tells me, ''Before you did.''
''She never came back?''
''I don't know,'' he shakes his head, this time letting some worry show.
''We'll give her another hour. If she's not back, we'll go look,'' Clarke says.
Bellamy nods and leaves.
''You think the flares are gonna work?'' Jasper asks.
''We can hope,'' Clarke tells him.
It's the only thing we can do now, I think.
*
''Wait, I'm coming with.''
''No way, you're staying here,'' Clarke argues, ''Watch over the camp.''
''No way!'' I demand, ''If Octavia's lost out there, every eye looking matters. Besides, I'm one of the best trackers around. Can't expect Finn to do all the work.''
''You can't even stand upright!''
''Well, that's because I'm lying around thinking about it,'' I insist, ''I need to get my mind off it.''
''Alright, but we can't afford to lose more people while we're looking for her,'' Bellamy says, ''Keep close to someone at all times, don't get separated.''
''If she blacks out somewhere-,'' starts Clarke.
''I won't,'' I insist.
''Everybody!'' Bellamy shouts out to the camp, ''Gather around and grab a weapon! Arm up. We're not coming back without her.''
I grab my good ol' stick that I'd sharpened to a point. It isn't exactly a spear but if it comes to it, I won't be going down without a damn fight. The knife Bellamy gave me is strapped on to my belt. I tie my hair back up in a ponytail, and the chill of the dawn not yet about to break settling on my sweaty skin almost has me shiver. The cramps seem to be already letting up now that my thoughts are elsewhere, but I'm still a bit feverish it seems.
''Guys, guys. Come here! Did you see that? Look up there!'' someone urges excitedly, and the whole crowd follows to witness what at first glance seems to be a meteor shower. ''It's so beautiful,'' someone else says. I watch, but it doesn't take me too long to figure out what happened. Already feeling sickly, this realization makes me want to vomit.
''They didn't work,'' I can hear Raven say behind me, ''They didn't see the flares.''
For a moment I wonder if any of those people is someone I actually knew. I don't dare even consider it might be one of my own among them.
''A meteor shower tells you that?'' Bellamy asks. And then all hell breaks loose.
Raven starts shouting at him, yelling that it's all his fault, looking for all the world like she's ready to kill him and I wouldn't put it past her. Everyone's for the most part frozen in confusion of what to do, while Clarke has that dangerous calm about her that means she's ready to bite someone's head off, and I find myself instinctively standing in the middle, ready for whatever. It takes only one moment after all for complete chaos to break out. Murphy would know... wherever he is now.
''This is all on you,'' Raven all but spits at Bellamy.
''He knows, alright'' I argue, effectively dispelling the dangerous moment, ''And now he has to live with it. So let him live with it.''
She doesn't say anything more, but not for the lack of ideas. Raven Reyes looks like she has a long list of what she wants to say to Bellamy Blake, but I think she knows perfectly well that we can't afford to fight among ourselves now that she's sort of up to speed with what's been happening. And besides, this isn't something we can fix. It's done. And if there is some sort of mourning to be done, it would have to be done later.
''All I know is that my sister is out there and I'm gonna find her,'' Bellamy finally says, ''You coming or what? What are we waiting for? Move out!''
*
''Which way did she go back when she left you?'' I ask Bellamy as we walk, eyes trained on the ground. The first thing we need to do is find the first definitive track that belongs to Octavia. Otherwise, we could be searching anywhere, like fumbling in the dark.
''South, I think,'' he responds uncertainly, shaking his head. He looks progressively more distressed as we go.
''We should start from the pod,'' I offer, ''Try to track her movements from the last place Bellamy saw her.''
''Or we try to reconstruct her path toward the pod,'' Finn suggests, ''Chances are, she went back the same way she came. No one would experiment with new routes through the forest by themselves.''
''Finn's right, we can't waste a minute,'' Bellamy decides.
''Alright,'' I concede, ''But since we have two good trackers, we should split up.''
''Sounds good,'' agrees Bellamy, ''Tasha, you're with me. Miller, Jones, follow up close. Roma, you too. The rest of you keep to Finn.''
Roma gives me a dirty look. I think she's one of the girls from Bellamy's tent, though I can hardly tell them apart. Bellamy seems to have gotten way under her skin, poor thing. She looks like she might knock my head off if I come too close. Or is it because she was denied her shampoo?
*
''Look! Over here!''
''What is it?''
''Right there. You see it?''
''Is that Octavia's?''
''Rope!''
Finally, after about two hours of blundering in the dark and struggling to re-enact Octavia's probable path, we find the first damned clue. One by one, we carefully rappel down the hill. It's a small piece of cloth that we find stuck in the branches of one of the bushes. Obviously Octavia's.
She must have fallen and rolled downhill. There is no way in hell we could have gotten down without a rope, and I highly doubt she ever had some. She must have rolled downhill and landed into the bushes, hence the torn piece of her shirt. I choose not to say a damn thing. We don't need panic, especially not from Bellamy.
''Hard part's over,'' I say instead, ''We have something to follow up on. We have to be careful. Let me and Finn up ahead. The rest of you keep behind us. We can't afford to ruin a single track.''
''We're not coming back without her,'' Bellamy repeats.
''If you don't follow through now, you won't be able to. Look at those clouds,'' Finn says, pointing at the sky, ''The rain will wipe out everything.''
''Okay, Jasper? Flashlight.''
He hands it to me immediately. He's been like a lovesick puppy this whole time, keeping to our heels. Bellamy might not be the only person here to act out foolishly out of panic and that needs to be kept an eye on. Jasper seems to be ready to cross the planet for Octavia. And considering that this is his first time out of camp after what's happened to him, I am really amazed by his courage.
Watching carefully where we're stepping, we continue down the ravine.
''Someone else was here,'' Bellamy says before Finn or I can. The footprints are evident - deep enough to be obvious to the most untrained eye.
''Human prints. Quite large though,'' I say, thinking Grounders immediately but not daring to say it.
''The prints are deeper that way,'' Finn points to them.
''He carried her,'' we conclude at the same time.
''If they took her, then we know she's alive,'' Jasper urges, ''Like when they took me.''
A shiver goes down my spine. Hopefully this is nothing like when they took him. None of us are ready for another episode of that yet. I look to Bellamy. He looks like he doesn't know what to feel first - fear or angry hatred.
''Alright, no more assumptions. Let's go,'' I say, me and Finn taking the lead again, with the rest following.
*
I don't know how long we walk. After a while, time stops making sense. Watching the prints as closely as we do is downright dizzying, and at certain points I literally have mini heart attacks when the prints stop over a rocky surface or a small pond before we pick them up again on the other side. It's all fine and dandy though, until the sun comes up, and we realize we've reached something awfully resembling a graveyard.
Someone gives a little scream, followed by a few gasps. We all stop in our tracks and seem to hold a collective breath. For a moment, we just stare. And as we look at our surroundings and fight what threatens to chill the very blood in our bodies, I can hear people giving up. Leaving. One by one, I see them walking back toward the camp. And I don't blame them.
There are actual corpses, impaled on large spikes, four feet in front of me.
''I don't speak Grounder but I'm pretty sure this means keep out,'' Finn comments.
''Not that I expected a welcome mat,'' I breathe and remember I have a voice. Talking makes me less afraid.
''Go back if you want!'' Bellamy announces to everybody, ''My sister, my responsibility.''
''I'd go into hell to find her,'' Jasper says.
''I think we just did,'' Finn replies.
''I don't want to be here. I think none of us do,'' I say, ''But I don't want to leave her either. We can't leave her. She's on her own. First and foremost, you need me and Finn, and if we're gonna risk our lives in there, we best do it smart. We can't just... walk right in.''
''Well, any bright ideas?'' asks Bellamy, ''We have to follow the tracks.''
''More than anything, we keep it quiet,'' Finn says, ''And I mean dead quiet. I don't wanna hear a breath.''
''Sounds good. Anyone else wants to go back, they better do it now. No shame in turning back at this point,'' Bellamy says honestly, ''Besides, we need a smaller group from here on out. Mbege, Diggs, Monroe, Roma, you staying? Alright, let's move out.''
*
The higher the sun is, the less scary the woods seem to be, yet at the same time it makes us a thorn in the eye, despite our trying to keep to shadows; to Grounders - if there are any around - we must shine like blinding beacons. There's no hiding now, and there's no going back either.
I wonder about them, and if they are watching us, why aren't they attacking? They don't seem interested in killing us unless we trespass, apparently. That thought makes me beyond nervous. We are now deep into what seems to be their territory.
''Where's John?'' Roma asks. I turn around, because I saw him behind me literally a minute ago. That's weird. How could he possibly get separated?
Roma screams. John Mbege's body seems to drop from the sky. Dead.
Time stops. It all happens so fast, but it lasts, time stretching, slow motion. Contradictions of the mind. I look up, too slowly. Blood seems to pump through me at a sluggish speed. The trees stretch on into the heavens. They are so thick they could hide entire worlds in them. We had it all wrong since the beginning. We've been keeping our eyes on the ground, when we're supposed to be looking up to the sky.
''Trees,'' I barely whisper.
''They're up in the trees!'' Finn announces, ''Run!!!!''
And we do; the adrenaline has pumped all the blood into my legs so I can dart at the speed of light, but it's important that I know where I'm running, because I will be dizzy soon, and falling into the arms of an angry Grounder is not my best exit. I don't know where, or how far we run until Bellamy tells us to stop. There is no telling if we've outrun them, because how do you outrun people up in trees? They could be above us right now. That thought stirs more panic in me. It's hard to breathe.
''Why are we stopping?!'' I wheeze.
''We're surrounded.''
I stop and look around. In every direction looms a figure, just out in the distance. And there are so many of them. Every way you could possibly run, there is someone to meet you spear first.
Diggs panics. He retorts something and breaks off running and he must have activated a tripwire because the next moment he's dead also, impaled on a Grounder trap. Roma panics too, and runs; but I can't move until Finn pushes me off my frozen feet. At this point, I let them lead me. I have no idea which direction we're taking or where the hell we could go. When we find Roma's body speared to a tree, I realize we're fucked, doomed, done, we're just playthings the Grounders are messing around with, they have a century on us, this is their home, we know nothing, we are children, they are beasts.
Jasper is losing it. ''They're herding us like sheep,'' he says weakly, before he steps out and starts screaming off the top of his lungs - ''GET IT OVER WITH!!!! WE KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE!!!! COME OUT!!!!!!! JUST KILL-''
''Jasper,'' I hiss, before I literally throw myself on him to try and shut his mouth. I am not eager to become dead meat.
Then the horn blasts.
''Oh, you gotta be kidding me,'' I say.
''What is that?'' Monroe asks.
''Acid fog. We need to hide,'' Bellamy informs.
''The Grounders are running,'' I realize, ''Come on.''
We pull out the big tent and cover ourselves, lying on our stomachs across the cold earth. The thought of winter suddenly crosses my mind, but fleetingly.
''How long are we supposed to wait?'' Monroe asks after a while.
''I don't know,'' I reply honestly, ''Last time, me and Bellamy were stuck in that cave all night.''
''We'll just have to sit and find out,'' Finn says.
''No, we won't,'' Bellamy announces, lifting up the tent, to my instant panic attack, ''There's no fog.''
''What?!?''
''False alarm?!''
''How?!'' I ask.
We step out. Clear air. In every direction, not a wisp of cloud.
''They're coming back!''
I turn to where Jasper is referring to. ''No, they're not,'' I say. It's only one person, seemingly trying to slip away.
''Now can we run?'' Monroe asks, ''He doesn't see us.''
''I'm going after him,'' Bellamy says.
''What?!'' I ask incredulously.
''And what are you gonna do? Kill him?'' Finn adds.
''No. Catch him,'' Bellamy replies, ''Make him tell me where Octavia is, then kill him.''
''How do we know he's not leading us to another trap?''
''We don't.''
''I don't think he even knows we're still here,'' I say honestly.
''Let's go.''
We manage to follow the Grounder right up to his hide-out cave. The plan was to silently slip in after him, but once we're inside, the Grounder is already knocked out on the floor. Octavia is, apparently, tougher than she ever seemed.
''Oh thank God,'' I breathe.
''Octavia!''
''Bellamy!'' she gasps back, running into the arms of her brother.
''I think we should all hug it out back in camp,'' Monroe suggests, all antsy and restless.
''I agree,'' I say, ''Let's get outta here before he wakes up.''
''He's not gonna wake up,'' Bellamy starts toward him, but Octavia stops him, grabs him by the arm.
''He didn't hurt me,'' she argues, ''Let's just go.''
''They started this!'' insists Bellamy.
''Don't,'' Finn steps up in front of the sleeping Grounder, body-shielding him.
''Finn, move,'' Bellamy demands.
''Guys, look,'' I finally notice, pointing to it - the thing hanging right around the Grounder's neck, ''The horn.''
Finn turns around and takes a closer look, and just as the realization that this Grounder may have just saved our lives slowly sets in, the man wakes up, kicks me off my feet, and sends me flying to the ground before I can even catch what's happened. I fall, pain in my head, pain in my spine, hoping I didn't crack anything, hoping I'm not really so slow at getting back up on my feet. I have to move. If I don't move, and fast, I'll be slaughtered like a pig. I know this. Move, God damn it. Move!
But I can't. I can hear my own thoughts but I can't get my brain to move my damned limbs. My headache is a hurricane, I can hardly see, and even my mind is finally betraying me, pushing me in and out of consciousness, until I'm completely gone.
*
I awake at the Drop-Ship. The first thing on my mind when I open my eyes is the impossible headache that makes it hard for me to even keep them open. Then, for a moment, I can't seem to remember why the hell I'm here with this headache and what the hell has happened. The events seem to come back to me slowly, slowly, slowly... then all at once. Remembering that final hit gives me a stab of panic again, and I look - hastily inspect my own body - trying to see if I'm dying. Apparently, I'm not. Relief courses through me.
Finn, apparently, wasn't so lucky. It doesn't take me long to find out what happened after I blacked out. The knife the Grounder had apparently stabbed him with is still in his side, and nobody knows what to do. Once I'm back on my feet, I find them all panicking, Clarke and Raven most of all. I'm not truly worried until I see Clarke freaking out. If she can't help him...
''This wasn't supposed to happen,'' I breathe. Finn looks so pale and weak, that I can hardly believe this is the same person I know. None of us had time to even count the dead we lost in the forest, let alone mourn them... Yet this is different. We can't lose Finn. Not him.
''Yeah, a lot of things weren't supposed to happen,'' Clarke spits, pacing around dizzyingly fast. Bellamy seems to be just about losing his mind as well.
''Clarke, please, you're not letting me focus!'' Raven growls, on the verge of breaking down. She's trying to fix the radio. Bellamy just storms outside.
''The horn,'' I say, suddenly remembering.
''Tasha, you need to rest. You're bound to be a little incoherent,'' Clarke warns me, ''That concussion was probably worse than I could tell-''
''I'm fine, Clarke! I- I know what I'm talking about. Finn- Finn saw it too, he knows-,'' I argue, ''The Grounder-''
''Calm down,'' she grabs my arm, ''Calm down, okay? We're gonna try and help Finn, but I won't be able to do anything unless we're all calm and focused. Okay?''
I nod, my head pulsating.
''You really should rest a couple of days,'' she insists again, ''No running and all that.''
Octavia storms in before I can respond to that, furious. She storms past us without saying a word to anyone. What the hell is happening? We've just gone to hell and back to get her. Finn was stabbed. What am I missing?
I need water and I need fresh air. I take a sip before I walk outside, fighting the pain pulsating against my skull - slowly, as Clarke reminds me. I find a spot to pee and deal with my period, then go over to the barrels to wash myself thoroughly. Somehow I have a feeling all that dirt was mixed with corpse ashes, and I wonder if I'll ever feel clean again.
''Hey,'' Bellamy's voice stops me as I'm returning to the Drop-Ship.
''Hey.''
''I just wanted to thank you,'' he says when he approaches me.
''What for?''
''For everything,'' he replies, ''For today.''
''Of course,'' I say.
''I didn't really deserve all of you risking everything but uh-,'' he struggles, ''But for Octavia-''
''Bellamy,'' I interrupt him, ''As harsh as it sounds... Those who stick together will be the only ones to survive. We can't do this any other way. Today was a lesson.''
''You saved Finn's life. Unintentionally,'' he smiles, changing the subject, ''If you hadn't been standing where you were, he would have struck his heart.''
''Damn,'' I frown, ''Who saved mine?''
''Jasper,'' he says, ''Mine too.''
''Would you look at Goggles,'' I smirk appreciatively.
''Yeah,'' Bellamy chuckles.
He sits down on a log next to a fire that seems to have recently died out. Dark clouds loom above. If we'd waited a day, we never would have found Octavia. Not after the weather that will ensue.
I sit down next to Bellamy, hugging my jacket closer. It's getting windy now, a promise of a storm.
''Finn and I were right about the clouds,'' I comment, ''In the end it was good that we didn't wait.''
''I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost her,'' Bellamy admits, his voice quiet, almost too quiet.
''She proved to be pretty damn tough. I don't think you should worry about your little sister as much as you do, Bellamy,'' I smile.
''Yeah, well, it's what I do,'' he says, ''How're you feeling?''
''I'm okay. Soon as the headache stops I'll be as good as new. Clarke's nervous,'' I finally admit, ''I don't think she can help Finn.''
Before I can even realize how fearful I am, before I can even recognize there are tears stinging at the corners of my eyes, threatening to betray me, Bellamy has an arm around my shoulders. I relax, let myself lean in, try not to cry. Everything is too much. Way too much. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
''I should have killed him when I had the chance,'' says Bellamy.
''I don't know, Bellamy-''
''Then he wouldn't have hurt any of you,'' he argues.
I look up only to be met with utter pain in his eyes. He's guilty of a lot of things, but this isn't one of them.
''Stop,'' I say, ''Stop blaming yourself for everything.''
''But everything is my fault,'' he says, ''Everyone sees tha-''
''No. No, it isn't!'' I argue, ''This one isn't on you, Bellamy. Just stop.''
''If I hadn't-''
''And if I hadn't given you that knife, we wouldn't have done what we did to Murphy!'' I insist, ''Charlotte would still be alive! You wanna play that game? Because there's a lot around here on all of us.''
He seems to not want to argue with that anymore. He chooses to stick with silence, and looking somewhere up ahead, in the distance.
''You're not such a bad guy that you make yourself out to be, Bellamy Blake,'' I say. He turns to face me, as though he didn't expect me to say something like that.
''You don't know me,'' he turns back, eyes up ahead, saying it more to himself than to me.
''I know enough,'' I say, ''More than I need to, actually.''
He doesn't reply to that either. For some reason, I don't want to let him get away with it. I place my hand on his cheek and make him look at me.
''Hey. You there? You need to give yourself a break,'' I insist, ''If not for your own sake then for the rest of us. Because we need you, Bellamy. Now more than ever.''
He looks into my eyes. I see the appreciation, though he doesn't voice it. Then suddenly, his expression changes. His brows furrow, like he's just thought of something.
''I need to find that Grounder,'' he finally says, ''Bring him back, question him.''
''You think that's smart? Going out there again?'' I question him, ''Besides, how do you know he'll talk? Does he even understand us?''
''He'll talk,'' Bellamy assures me.
''Well, what if- Look, he had that horn, maybe he really did-,'' I start.
''Help us?!'' he interrupts me, ''Tasha, he almost broke your skull. Finn is dying because of him.''
''He could have thought he was defending himself-''
''Not you too,'' he groans, running a hand through his hair, exasperated.
''I'm just saying we should keep all the tabs open,'' I say.
''Look, you're pale as hell, you need to get back inside and rest.''
He scoops me up in his arms before I can even direct my feet anywhere.
''You're just trying to avoid this conversation,'' I say.
''Never said I wasn't,'' he acquiesces.
''Well, damn... did you carry me all the way back too?'' I ask.
''Yeap,'' he replies, ''Jasper and O had Finn, with Monroe helping.''
''You can put me down now, I'm not unconscious,'' I grin.
''You look weak,'' he says, ''I can't lose anyone else.''
''You won't lose me,'' I say, then, realizing how awkward it might sound, add: ''I'll prove tougher to kill than you think.''
''I'm sure you will, sharpie,'' he smirks.
He puts me down on a cot in the corner of the Drop-Ship, like I'm a baby. There's no fighting him once he's intent on something anyway. As soon as he looks over Finn, dark worry creases his face. He doesn't even ask. Neither of us dare interrupt either Clarke or Raven.
''Bellamy, wait,'' I call before he can leave.
''What?'' he approaches me again.
''If you're really gonna bring that Grounder in, you can't go out in that storm,'' I say, ''It doesn't look good at all.''
''We'll be quick,'' he argues, ''Be back before it even starts.''
''Just be careful, okay?'' I implore.
He nods. I kiss his cheek, and the urge I feel to kiss him on the lips leaves me sitting scared on the cot for a while, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.