Chapter 2
I watch the night turn into chaos yet again. It's nothing that I don't expect each day. There's always shouting, laughter, fistfights, kissing - a little something for anybody looking to finally be free and reckless, truly. I'd loosen up a bit myself if I wasn't so painfully aware of the fact that I now live among criminals. We are all there is. There isn't anything to keep anyone in check, and Bellamy has been not only enabling, but encouraging it. It's not the safest place to be in.
I hate to be the one to think this way, because I know better than anyone that you don't have to do much to be labeled a criminal by Ark standards. Still, I have to assume some of these people have actually done some bad things. I have to be cautious. And right about now, as I'm watching the camp plunder into chaos yet again, and occasionally seeing some stuff that should be described as sociopathic tendencies... it's not so hard to believe there are actual criminals among us. I haven't had decent sleep since my last night in the Skybox, truth be told, because my brain seems to take the ''sleeping with one eye open'' saying way too seriously.
I can't help thinking this camp was never gonna function. First of all, this chaos will only divide the ninety-eight of us into groups, because there will be people who'll refuse to take any of this bullshit. Then, there will be fighting over supplies. And if there's no bloodshed over that, then we'll probably all die somewhere out there anyway because most of these kids have no idea how to survive. Together, we'd stand some chance. Divided, as I imagine we soon will be at this rate, we'll be picked off one by one. This is not the Ark - Earth is a living thing.
I sit alone, next to a fire, clutching a stick I snapped off a branch on my way back from the river, completely resigned. I sit here, and watch everything steadily go to shit. I spot Wells moping around the camp and trying to reinforce some order, but his attempts are downright pathetic. There is absolutely nothing he can do, because no one in this camp would have ever listened to him in the first place anyway, even before Bellamy's little reign took hold. The last name Jaha is enough to repulse any one of these kids.
I feel like something bad needs to happen. I'm terrified of the idea, but it's like that's the only scenario - something to force us to fall back together into a group. Yet, as time passes, everyone only grows more comfortable here on this amazing, survivable Earth. There is no need for us to be a team. At least not until we start starving.
A shrill scream wakes me right out of all of my thoughts.
I rush toward it instinctively, without thinking. I don't know what I was expecting to see but it surely wasn't Murphy holding a whole person over a fire, face down. Surely, he hasn't gone that crazy. I don't even know the girl's name but the poor wretch is crying her vocal cords off. I am shocked enough for my feet to glue themselves to the ground momentarily. Me, Wells and Bellamy seem to arrive at the same time, and we seem to share a moment of not knowing what to do and how to do it, but I assume this was Blake's orders so what's he playing at?
Before I can even open my mouth and demand of Bellamy to stop this, Wells is on Murphy, tackling him. The girl is free, with her wristband intact, which is good.
But now we have a fight in camp again - a fight that, knowing Murphy, could escalate into something much worse.
''Stop it!'' I shout, even try to separate them, but they ignore me, and I almost get thrown back. No one else thinks to try and stop them, and most of the crowd around seems to even be cheering them on. I refuse to believe I'm the only rational person left around here. How can everyone be so scared to speak up?!
''You're the leader,'' I step up to Bellamy and spit it to his face, ''You stop this.'' He looks at me only for a moment before his eyes fall back on the boys fighting. He brushes me off! In another few moments luckily, Murphy is down, and I sigh in relief, thinking the fighting's done.
Until Murphy pulls out a knife.
''Are you insane?!'' I shriek at him, but John doesn't hear me, his eyes are on Wells, wild, insane, bloodthirsty. Everything has taken over him. I'm angry, but at Bellamy the most, and I punch him in the chest as he stands there, arms crossed, just watching. He seems completely undisturbed and undeterred by my punch and screaming ''Stop them!''
Then he steps up between them and for a moment I think he's listened to me - he's gonna intervene. But no, he throws a knife in front of Wells.
''Fair fight.''
I can't believe it. I'm just standing here helplessly in utter disbelief. I shouldn't be shocked, because everything that's been going on here has literally been leading to this. And chances are, someone's going to die. And for what reason?!
One less of us. Our chances of survival just one soul slimmer.
''If you don't stop this behavior, there's not gonna be any of us left,'' I make myself move as Bellamy steps back, ''Is that how you're protecting your sister? What happens when one of them decides to do whatever the hell they want with her? With you? What happens when they turn?''
That's when he really looks at me. It's not even a full turn of his head, but his eyes burning right through mine, his jaw set just a little bit differently. I've hit a pressure point.
Before Bellamy can utter a reply to me, Murphy is down again, Wells's knife to his throat. Again, instinctively, I rush over, pull Wells off of him, not thinking straight, not thinking at all, just wanting that knife away from John Murphy's throat. Wells doesn't fight me, but I'm suddenly so panicked that I'm ready to fight the whole world.
It's over. My heart steadies a bit, my breathing evens. No one died. Wells is okay, and so is Murphy. It's okay. We're okay.
As relief courses through me, I step back to Bellamy, who's still watching, unmoving, unfeeling. How dare he?!
''It's over,'' I all but spit it to his face, like an insult, as though I can spite him.
The group that had set out for Mount Weather manages to pick the worst time to return. If Earth was hell, right now our little camp would be where Satan comes for entertainment.
I don't even notice one less has returned until Bellamy rushes right past me to get a hold of his sister. She's injured. It doesn't really hit me, but I know that something has gone very, very wrong.
''What the hell happened out there?'' he demands.
''We were attacked,'' Clarke replies, clearly still beyond upset.
''By what?'' I ask, suddenly wondering what kind of terrifying beasts could be lurking right out our gates that we might not even know of, ''And where's Goggles?''
''Jasper was hit,'' Clarke explains, ''They took him.''
''Took him?! As in someone, not something-?! Wait, what-?!?''
''It turns out,'' Finn Collins nods, ''When the last man from the ground died on the Ark, he wasn't the last Grounder.''
What...?
''It's true,'' Clarke confirms, ''Everything we thought we knew about the ground is wrong. There are people here, survivors. The good news is, that means we can survive. Radiation won't kill us.''
''Yeah, the bad news is the Grounders will,'' Finn retorts.
''We need walls,'' I say with the realization hitting me, more to myself than anyone else.
''What about Jasper?'' Wells asks.
''I don't know,'' Clarke sighs desperately, before she notices - ''Hey, what happened to your wristband?''
I didn't notice it in all that commotion. When did they take it off of Wells?! If they've managed to take it off of him, how am I going to stand a chance?
''Ask him,'' Wells looks to Bellamy.
''How many?!'' Clarke demands.
''Twenty-four and counting,'' Murphy replies in Bellamy's stead, sounding almost proud. Something aches in my chest for a very short sliver of a moment. Then it turns to rock again.
''You idiots!'' Clarke shouts, ''Life support on the Ark is failing. That's why they brought us down here! They need to know the ground is survivable again, and we need their help against whoever is out there! If you take off your wristbands, you're not just killing them. You're killing us!''
''We're stronger than you think. Don't listen to her,'' Bellamy speaks up, ''She's one of the privileged! If they come down, she'll have it good. How many of you can say the same?! We can take care of ourselves! That wristband on your arm?! It makes you a prisoner. We are not prisoners anymore! They say they'll forgive your crimes. I say you're not criminals! You're fighters, survivors! The Grounders should worry about us!''
People cheer. Again.
''See, it's this kind of talk that gives him a place of power around here,'' I comment, to no one in particular, ''He tells them exactly what they wanna hear.''
''Well, they're not exactly a bunch of geniuses,'' Finn replies, ''What do we do now?''
''Now we go after Jasper,'' Clarke replies.
''With what army?'' I ask. Is everyone around here absolutely fucking nuts?!
''We know he's still alive,'' she says, ''And we can't just leave him knowing that.''
''We can't go in there head first either!'' I argue, ''These people you say are out there, they know the terrain, they know how to survive. They probably know every tree out here from coast to coast! We've got nothing, Clarke. And I'll assume they have enough of whatever struck Jasper down for each and every one of us.''
''A spear,'' she replies, ''And no one said you have to come.''
''You're right, I don't. It's a fool's errand,'' I reply, ''But the way things are around here... I don't know, maybe it'd do us all good.''
''What do you mean?'' Finn asks me.
''What I mean is, the only reason these kids are taking up whatever chant Bellamy comes up with is because - they're not scared. Not truly, anyway.'' I reply, ''Whatever happened to... um, Jasper? They didn't see it. I know it sounds awful but if they were just a bit more scared and aware of where they've come... chaos wouldn't reign so much around here.''
''No one's gonna volunteer, if that's what you're thinking,'' Finn tells me, ''Don't expect to find a team here any time soon. Unfortunately, no one's gonna band together for one nerdy guy they probably never even knew. But she's right,'' he turns to Clarke, ''We do need some sort of a plan, we can't go in head first. And we need to be extremely careful. We don't wanna die out there if you want our people to come follow us down, princess.''
Clarke nods. ''Get ready, and keep it light. We leave first light.''
*
In the morning, Finn comes to tell us he's not going. The spear was thrown with pinpoint accuracy, he says. I stand there, unsure of what to do, or what to think. What happened to Jasper could happen to literally any single one of us. None of us could ever be prepared for something like this. I don't blame Finn, and I can't really judge him, in spite of Clarke calling him a coward, among other people pointing fingers. In reality, it's Clarke that's reckless. But I also agree with her to an extent, and I can't keep that poor boy off my mind. He's injured, alone, and terrified somewhere out there in the foreign woods.To die alone like that has to be the worst fate possible.
I could go, and possibly die myself. Or I could sit here, losing my mind and watching these idiots make chaos and draw attention of whatever we now know is out there.
An argument ensues quickly enough. Monty, the kid that never left Jasper's side, seems to want to burn us all alive as we stand here weighing things out and arguing like Jasper is a sack of potatoes we're not sure is worth retrieving. And rightfully so. But everyone here is terrified.
It's Octavia's groans of pain that tear us away from the argument that seems to only go in circles.
''What the hell was it?'' Bellamy asks, tending to his sister.
''I don't know. The others said it looked like a giant snake,'' Octavia replies.
''You could have been killed.''
''She would have been if Jasper didn't jump in to pull her out,'' Clarke says.
''You guys leaving? I'm coming, too,'' Octavia insists.
''No, no. No way. Not again,'' Bellamy shakes his head.
''He's right. Your leg's just gonna slow us down,'' Clarke says, turning to Bellamy, ''I'm here for you.''
''Clarke, what are you doing?'' Wells asks helplessly, speaking for the first time since Clarke rejected and shut him down with all she could earlier. She only ignores him as she descends on Bellamy with a plan I'm not sure anyone will like.
''I hear you have a gun,'' she says, ''Good. Follow me.''
And Bellamy follows.
*
In less than a couple of minutes, the rescue team consists of Clarke, Bellamy, and Murphy. And Wells, if they let him come, as he insists. And I know it's not enough.
Clarke, on the other hand, really has way too much confidence meaning to go out there with the two least reliable men on Earth. And Wells who I believe would try to keep her safe - the way he loves the girl is obvious - well, Clarke doesn't trust him. The irony of it all is ridiculous. And the whole thing is bound to be a clusterfuck.
But it's none of my business, I remind myself. I'm angry at myself for even considering going, truthfully. I should stay back and help Atom and the rest build the damn walls, be actually useful instead of throwing away my life out there. It's common sense to stay back. Finn was right.
But they are too few, and Clarke is essentially alone, and I am number one at Earth skills, and I don't want them to die out there by eating the wrong berries or something. Clarke is the only somewhat responsible person around here, and if she died, I don't know who'd push and keep the balance here at camp.
For some reason, imagining Murphy die because of a stupid decision I could have stopped him from making is exactly what pushes me to it. I don't even realize it until I'm out of the damn perimeter, catching up to them.
''I'm coming.''
The way Clarke looks at me, I think she'll give me a kiss right then and there. She gives me a smile that seems to beam. I instantly wonder if we've all made the worst mistake in the world, and I also wonder what kind of deal she's made with Bellamy and Murphy for them to be willing to do this.
When John looks at me, I can't figure out if he's appalled or angry or worried or confused. Or just miserable because of my presence. Either way, I ignore it.
''You need a weapon,'' I almost jump a bit when Bellamy speaks to me, ''Here.''
I take the makeshift knife from him, frankly more than a bit surprised. ''Thank you,'' I say, barely hiding it.
Instinctively, for some reason, I look at John. Our eyes meet for a moment, but he looks like he's about to roll his in annoyance.
I think about the fact that Bellamy has given me a weapon. It doesn't make him any less of an asshole. He confirms it barely half a mile later when he starts pulling at Clarke's arm, demanding that wristband.
They start arguing, I tell Bellamy to leave her the fuck alone, Wells literally risks his life in front of Bellamy's flailing gun just for Clarke, while Murphy tries to back Bellamy up whilst, surprisingly, still trying to keep some sort of peace as he's the only person uninvolved. As I predicted - a clusterfuck.
I catch Murphy's eyes fall on me every now and then. We're both careful, studying the whole situation. There's knives and there's a gun here, and a fight is not something anyone wants at this point, especially not out here.
It's the arrival of Finn Collins that breaks it all off, thank all the gods.
''You call this a rescue party? Gotta split up, cover more ground. Clarke, come with me.'' And just like that, they're gone and up ahead.
Wells and Bellamy have fucked me all the way the fuck over by taking off together. I'm a little bit worried by the two of them alone, but I'm more angry about being left alongside Murphy. And for the first time since this whole thing started, I regret coming. This is worse than all the weapons being flailed about and the risk of imminent Grounder-induced death.
We walk in gross, suffocating silence for what seems like an eternity. I'm intent on not speaking to him, and even more intent on not speaking to him first.
But anger somehow boils up in me, so suddenly, I never even saw it coming. This is what his mere presence does to me. And I just can't.
''Well, we're alone now, John. Gonna try and take the wristband from me?'' I sound surprisingly calm though, even to myself, ''Better not. Bellamy didn't think this through before he armed me.''
''I'm not gonna take it from you,'' he sounds so resigned and over it, that it startles me. He almost sounds saddened over it. Tired, maybe. He doesn't even look at me, just up ahead, his hands in his pockets.
''Not that you could, but I figured you'd try. Seeing as you're Bellamy's dog and all.''
His hand is on me before I can even tell what's going on. He grabs my arm so firmly I'm sure it'll bruise, and he looks at me with so much, I don't think even he knows what the hell is going on inside of him. The way he went from that to this in less than a second has me startled to say the least.
''I'm nobody's dog,'' he growls, his voice low, menacing, staring me down.
I freeze, not because I'm afraid - I don't fear him one bit - but because I'm stunned. I don't want to look at him, not like this, not this deeply, not after everything. I don't want to know if he's angry or confused or lost or sad. I don't want him near me, because every time I look into those eyes I'm reminded that John Murphy's gone, he's dead, and this person before me is no one I know. Or I'll think I see something in his eyes that's him, the real him, one tiny piece left, before it's gone again and I'm left feeling emptier than before. I don't want either.
I push him off of me.
''Whatever you say to make yourself feel better,'' I walk on, trying to put some distance between us.
But he's keeping up.
''And what about you, Mrs. First Lady?,'' he taunts a bit too loudly, ''Natasha Jaha - there's no ring to it... Might wanna reconsider.''
I ignore his provocations.
''You know, after what they did to you, I never thought you'd stoop so low.''
''Just shut up,'' I turn around and hiss like a wild cat, ''Just shut. Up. Don't talk like you know. Don't you dare talk like you were there. The way I tried to be there for you. Don't you dare.''
He never thought I'd dare go where I've just gone. He's not prepared for a reply.
''I don't care about any of you,'' I continue, ''You're nothing to me. Wells is nothing to me. The only reason I'm here, helping us survive, is because I want my family down here. And the only way you could stop me from doing all I can to make that happen is by killing me. And I dare you to try.''