Chapter 3
I storm off, knowing Murphy's keeping up - we can't afford to get separated either of us - but I walk fast either way, because now it all hits me, and I'm feeling it all, and I don't want him to see my face. In all the possible scenarios of our first real conversation after all that time, I never imagined it like this. I never wanted it like this. I never wanted it at all. And I hate myself so much for feeling hurt, for feeling myself want to cry. It's a real fight to swallow it all, push it all back down. But I do it anyway.
I don't want to risk being forced to hike with Murphy alone for hours, so I manage to catch up with Wells and Bellamy. It's just the four of us for a while, and I like it better that way. Though I don't exactly trust Wells, or like him necessarily, I feel better knowing he's there. It's all about balance right now.
In all that's happened, I'm shaken enough not to pay enough attention to my actual task. Me and Finn are the best trackers, and Finn is with Clarke. So I take up the lead, keeping Wells behind me. It makes me feel better, keeping Bellamy away from me when I can't have my eyes on him. I'm the only one with a wristband at the moment.
Thankfully, Clarke and Finn find us before we can find them. They've found a track, so we follow.
''Hey, how do we know this is the right way?'' Murphy asks.
''We don't,'' Bellamy replies, ''Spacewalker thinks he's a tracker.''
''It's called cutting sign. Fourth-year earth skills,'' I grumble back, ''He's actually good.''
''What the hell was that?!'' Murphy asks. I've heard it too, realizing it a moment too late.
''This way,'' I rush first, but as quietly as possible, avoiding anything that could make too much noise below my feet.
''Now would be a good time to take out that gun,'' I hear Clarke say. The gun was a good idea, but I don't think it's good in Bellamy's hands.
The moaning noise gets louder, closer. There is a small clearing up ahead, but I decide to peer from the poor shelter of the bushes first, to be somewhat safer from what could await ahead.
''Oh my God.''
''What is it?'' someone asks behind me as they're catching up. I can't speak. I just stand there frozen.
''Jasper! Oh, my God.''
''Clarke, be careful,'' Finn warns, but she's already out there. She's reckless and stupid and irritably kind.
I can barely make myself move as I see Jasper, strung up a tree, moaning in pain.
''Jasper?'' Clarke calls. Seeing that she's still alive out there, we follow out into the clearing, cautiously. I'm so scared my insides are twisting into a knot. Who could do such a thing, and why?!? The poor boy seems barely conscious.
Then Clarke starts running to him. Finn is quick to run after her and try to keep her from her recklessness, and then we all rush forth, and when Clarke falls into a trap it's Bellamy's hand that saves her life.
I didn't even see her fall. It all happened so fast, I didn't even have time to react, let alone yell at Clarke for acting like an idiot, because I'm on the edge myself, teetering on my feet. Something keeps me back firmly, and I look down, and there's this huge gaping hole in the ground filled with spikes that would have skewered us all, and I realize fully that Clarke would have died a horrible death, right here, right now, if not for Bellamy acting fast. I would have died if not for...
Murphy.
His hand is on my arm and he looks at me with something I cannot discern. I step back, away from the hole. His hand falls back. I don't say anything. Neither does he.
''We need to get him down,'' Clarke says once we're all back to fully alive.
It's Finn and Murphy that are tasked with cutting the poor boy down, and it's taking them too damn long. Nervousness is gnawing at the insides of my stomach. To say I'm antsy would be an understatement.
''You better hurry up, guys,'' I say, pacing around a bit, keeping my eyes on the perimeter.
And then we all hear it.
''What the hell was that?!''
''Grounders?!''
I stand there, wondering if I should pull back to them or check what's apparently right ahead of me. But the snarling is suddenly so much louder, and now I don't think I have a choice.
I see it before I can react. Someone screams ''Bellamy, gun!'' but it takes too long, the waiting for a shot lasts an eternity, and I can't move, and I'll be dead in a second, an eternity long second.
But the shot comes, and the feline animal falls dead mid-jump, right on top of me, toppling me over.
It takes longer than a moment for me to fully grasp the fact that I'm okay. Until I realize I'm suffocating under the weight of the beast.
I push though, and I would have pushed it off me myself even without Clarke and Bellamy's help.
''Well, at least we have dinner,'' Bellamy comments and I just lie there a while longer, breathing, or trying to at least. The adrenaline is leaving my system and now all my limbs are trembling.
''I'm just glad I'm not dinner,'' I mutter, feeling a bit light-headed.
''He's coming loose,'' Finn announces, which gets me on my feet, knees wobbling from the fear that's left me. We manage to bring Jasper down safely, but he's still unconscious.
''There's a poultice on his wound,'' Clarke notices once she's inspected his body.
''But why?'' I ask, a moment too quickly, because it dawns on me right away. It's Finn that says it out loud instead.
''Bait. Maybe what they're trying to catch is us.''
*
It's a long, anxious way back to camp - trying to keep our eyes open and stay careful, trying to stay as stealthy as we can, trying to bring back Jasper safely, and hauling our dinner all in one. The tension between us all is palpable, and I've never been more glad to stand before that Drop-Ship like on this evening, when we make it back. The walls are being put up. Everything somehow seems okay again, like when we'd just landed. Even though I know it isn't.
We're greeted right away with a ''They're back!'' and ''Is he okay?'' and ''What happened?'' and so much else.
''He's alive,'' Clarke instructs immediately, ''I need boiled water and strips of cloth for bandage.''
''Who's hungry?!'' Bellamy throws the beast down, to which the crowd around him cheers, yet again.
''You know, it was Wells that took that shot,'' Finn tells me as we watch the insufferable man before us still work magic on all these kids.
''Look at him,'' I scoff, crossing my arms, shaking my head at the way Bellamy's used even this to his cause, ''Amazing.''
It isn't long before he comes up with the idea of using the food for leverage. The kids are starving, and those who previously didn't want to are now taking off their wristbands just for a few bites of roast meat. If I wasn't before, now I'm absolutely sure that I really really do not like Bellamy Blake.
''He's stable for now, but without medicine…,'' Clarke starts once she joins us, ''They're taking off their wristbands for food? No way. I- I won't do it.''
''Neither will I,'' I agree.
''You won't have to,'' Finn decides, and buys us all dinner with his wristband.
I feel like this simple act has knocked all air out of my lungs. It's been a really long day, and an even longer string of days since we got here, and this is the simplest most beautiful act of kindness that I've seen in a while. For a moment it shakes up all the beliefs I've established about this camp. I don't know how to thank him, though I'm suddenly so humbled. He doesn't manage to take much, but it's better than nothing. And I don't realize how hungry I am until the smell of roasted meat brings it back up. My stomach rumbles. I can't remember the last time I felt so grateful.
''Thank you,'' I only say. He nods, giving me a small smile.
I've changed my mind when it comes to the notorious Spacewalker - not that I had too formed an opinion anyway - and it's not just because he's bought me meat that might give me a bitch of a bacteria. He seems to genuinely have a good head on his shoulders, despite what he may have done on the Ark. He's shown himself to be rational and reasonable, and he's got just enough kindness and empathy to counter some of the sociopathy that's been on display here for days. I guess he is now officially the only person in this camp that I actually have no problem with having in my company. I wouldn't go so far as to say I trust him, but at least I don't have to sleep with one eye open knowing he's around.
The night is clear, pleasant; the fires are giving enough warmth and comfort and the sound of them crackling seems to bring some calm and harmony. The chaos has lessened tonight. Maybe it was seeing Jasper that did it. Some are still working on the walls, but most who've worked all day are now resting, sitting around the fires, together. We'd continue working on the walls in the morning - Grounders have to sleep too, and if they are coming tonight, we're all dead anyway. Maybe somewhere in the back of our minds we all now know we'll have to stick together if shit hits the fan, or die each and every one of us. We don't have to like each other, we just have to work together.
I sit next to Finn and Clarke, but truthfully I'm sitting alone - they seem to be in their own little world. It's kind of cute, actually, so I just slowly chew on the food my newly made friend has acquired for me, and let them be, watching over the camp.
I've always liked watching people - not in a creepy way, of course - because there is always something in the seemingly meaningless small actions of a person that reveals a bit of who they truly are deep down. You just have to know what to look for. We're never only what we seem, and we're never only what we are to one person or another. Take Blake for an example. He's an asshole by every definition. Right now he's also a bully. A player too, apparently, judging by the amount of girls that have gone in and out of his tent since day one. Most of the time he acts like he has some God complex. But he is here because - and for - his sister. He is here because of the most selfless act he could have possibly committed. Whether I like him or not is irrelevant; the fact of the matter is - he isn't only who he seems to be. There is much more there, as in everyone else - Murphy, Clarke, Finn, me... none of us are only what we are right now. Masks will soon start to drop, I'm sure of it. And knowing how to be one step ahead of that could mean a huge difference .
I look to Murphy. He's sitting surrounded by his buddies, yet alone. They're all joking around and having fun, but he just sits there and eats, staring at the fire. Not unlike myself right now.
The longing I feel right in this moment makes me furious at myself all over again.
''What's up with you and Murphy?'' Finn asks me, right out of nowhere. It's like lightning strikes me for a second and I have to collect myself quickly.
''Hm?''
''You and Murphy," he repeats, "It's kind of... palpable.''
''What do you mean?'' I scowl, ''There's nothing.''
''Really?''
''Yeah.''
''Good,'' Finn says, ''Because someone like you with someone like him...''
I don't know why that unfinished statement makes me just a little bit angry.
''It's not like that,'' I blurt out before I can stop myself.
''Oh, okay. So there is something.''
I don't think anyone really knows. And it doesn't matter anyway. What John Murphy and I once were doesn't matter at all.
''You don't have to tell me,'' Finn quickly replies to my silence. I don't even realize I've been silent for that long.
''No, it's okay,'' I give him a small smile, ''Actually... Murphy and I go way back. He was a friend. Best friend, actually. Kind of like what I imagine having a brother would be like.''
''Oh,'' Finn only says, before he frowns in confusion, ''Really?!''
''Yeah, really. I can see why you'd find that unbelievable,'' I joke, ''But he was a good kid once. A really good kid.''
Finn is still half-scowling half-smiling, as though trying to figure out if I'm joking or not. I laugh.
''But stuff happened. Things change, people change,'' I conclude with a shrug, ''It's life. But yeah, it wasn't like that. Ever.''
''Eh. Life's weird,'' Finn says, half-shrugging.
''Tell me about it,'' biting off another charred chunk of meat. Suddenly, I feel queasy, and it's not because of the food.