Chapter 6
'No no no no no no no no no no no.' Delphine's answer was ringing in her ears. The determination in her voice unmistakable. Her answer was sharp and hard-hitting. Sarah had felt the rejection in her tone and it hurt. Delphine did not want her to come to her place again. And who was she to blame her for that? The whole concept of them repeating last nights events was ridiculous, Sarah was well aware of that and yet the thought was somehow implanted in her brain. She thought about Cosima sitting in the loft watching TV, completely oblivious, and felt like she was about to vomit.
She got on the bus to the east side of the city. It would take about thirty-five minutes to get to the DYAD so she wouldn't make it in time.
'Will be 5 minutes late, hope that's okay', she typed into her phone. A simple 'OK' was the answer. Dr Cormier was brief tonight and the briefness severely contributed to Sarah's nervousness. She ran through a few possible scenarios in her mind and considered some things she planned on saying but ultimately she decided to wing it. How was she supposed to keep her cool after what had happened anyway? One lip bite would very likely be enough to topple over her whole construct. This was not the Sarah she knew. She felt weak and insincere. How could one person put her in the situation of questioning almost everything about who she really was? Betraying one of her sisters again was completely out of the question. But so was withdrawing from Delphine. She simply couldn't bear the thought of not being close to her in some way. But how could she act normal around her after everything that happened? For a split second she thought about going back to England and leaving everything behind again but she couldn't leave Kira, or Felix, or S, or Alison, or Helena, or Cosima.
It was ten minutes past their agreed time and Sarah nervously walked towards the glass entrance. Everything was deserted and the well lit glass doors did not show anybody waiting in the lobby. Right when she started to wonder where Delphine could be her phone buzzed. 'I'm in my office, 5th floor, 3rd door to your right.'
Sarah didn't bother to respond.
The night guard eyed her suspiciously probably because she didn't look like DYAD's usual employees, with her black boots and old jeans, which had certainly seen better days and her leather jacket on top of a black sweatshirt. At least her hair was in a presentable state. She nodded towards the large man and strutted to the elevator.
"Not so fast, Miss?," she heard a deep voice boom behind her. With her back facing the guard she rolled her eyes and turned around. "I have an appointment with Dr Cormier."
"At this time?"
"Yes."
"Well then, I'm sure Dr Cormier can confirm that."
"I'm sure she can," the distinct arrogance in her voice was unmistakable.
He picked up the phone behind a small counter and after less than a minute Sarah was in the elevator not without bidding a conceited farewell to her new friend.
Thankfully, Delphine's office door wasn't made out of glass, so she couldn't see Sarah pacing in front of it several times and exhaling one last time before pressing the handle down.
The moment their eyes met Sarah's stomach jolted. Delphine's face didn't move an inch she just held Sarah's gaze as she looked up from her desk. They observed each other waiting for the other one to speak.
"So. Here I am. What do you want?," Sarah couldn't bear the silence anymore.
Delphine didn't answer. She kept a straight face and started to toy with the pen in her hand.
"Funny that I've never been in here", Sarah almost stuttered. She had never been good at smalltalk. "I guess there was never an appropriate occasion," she added nervously.
Delphine still did not answer.
"Okay, what's going on here?," Sarah scoffed. "Did you invite me to some sort of weird stare down. Look, I have no idea what to do about all of this. I don't even know why you asked me to come here. There is nothing to talk about. We fucked up. That's it."
"Why did you agree to her idea?," Delphine's voice was strident.
"What?"
"Cosima's 'prank'?," her voice was drenched in contempt, "why did you agree to it?"
Sarah shrugged, "She talked me into it more or less. She just wouldn't shut up about it."
"And that made you agree with it?"
"I guess? You know how she can be."
"But still, Sarah. How could you?," she raised her voice.
"Hey, woah! I think we both know that we're not talking about what happened in the loft. And I'm not the only person to blame for this shit."
"But you started it."
"Excuse? Me? I wasn't the one picking me up and inviting me to your place. I wasn't the one calling me back when I was about to leave. I wasn't the one pulling me into the bedroom."
Delphine's mouth became a thin line and she closed her eyes exhaling loudly. "Seriously?," she almost laughed. "Are you serious? It was you who offered me the whiskey, it was you who addressed the tension and it was you who started all of this."
"It fucking did not! I said 'nevermind' and walked to the door. Delphine this is childish. It's our fault this happened. We called each others bloody bluff."
"But…"
"But what? That's how it happened. Do you think I feel good about this? After all, I'm the one living with Cosima."
"Don't say her name," Delphine hissed.
"What, you can't handle to hear her name? Let me tell you something. After she got home from work today, she thanked me for not being mad at her for all of this and she thanked me for being there for her. Can you even begin to imagine how that feels? She feels bad for what she did, can you imag.…"
"Stop it, please." Delphine rubbed her eyes and sunk into her chair.
"What have I done?," it was a mere whisper but Sarah heard it. It hurt to see her like that and for a second she thought about comforting her but she thought better of it. Delphine suppressed the tears that were starting to built up. She turned her chair a little so that she wasn't facing Sarah anymore.
"I'm sorry. That came out a little more harsh than I intended," Sarah said.
"It's fine," was all Delphine could manage. "Now, Sarah…," she started but eventually the tears prevailed and she sunk down into her chair, sobbing.
Sarah couldn't bear to see her crying. She stepped forward and bent down in front of Delphine's chair resting her hands on Delphine's thighs who twitched at Sarah's touch.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." She cradled her thigh, trying to find her eyes. But Delphine had her face covered by her hands trying to control the sobs. Eventually, she turned her chair away from Sarah, whose hands sunk to her sides. Delphine wiped her eyes a few times before getting up an turning towards her. Her face was still reddened and Sarah could see a tear glistening on her cheek. She expected her to say something along the lines of leaving her office and never contacting her again but instead she just looked at her. Sarah looked back feeling her pulse accelerate. The silence was deafening and all the unspoken words hung in the space between them. Delphine inhaled and slightly opened her mouth but the words died on her tongue. Instead she just stared into the oh so familiar brown eyes looking for answers.
"Do you want me to go?," croaked Sarah, barely managing to keep her voice from cracking.
Silence.
"Look, Delphine. You have to talk to me here, okay? I can't do this alone," she was almost pleading.
"You know, I…I felt it."
"What?," Sarah squinted. "I'm sorry, what the bloody hell are you talking about?"
"Last night, in my apartment, when you asked me if I felt it too and I didn't respond. And then, well you know what happened afterwards. But yes, I did feel it and I'm ashamed that I did, ashamed that I've let things get this far."
"Oh, okay," Sarah nodded as if she was just realizing the full extent of Delphine's words, "you're ashamed. I absolutely get it."
"I think it's for the best if you and I keep our contact to a minimum, after all I'm Cosima's monitor and not yours. Technically there's no need for us to speak to each other."
Sarah's jaws were grinding and anger rose in her chest. Without breaking the eye contact she planted herself in front of Delphine, intentionally violating her personal space. "Have you lost your mind? Do you think Cosima is stupid, and yes, I will say her name. Get it together for fucks sake," she paused and fought to keep her countenance. "She already thinks something is off, I can tell by the way she acts around me. Do you honestly think that if we stop talking and acting weird around each other that she will suspect nothing. Are you really that naive?"
"Does she know you're here now?"
"Of course not, I'm not a complete idiot."
"Well I wouldn't be so sure," Delphine said and the corners of her mouth faintly tilted upwards.
"Oh just shut it." Sarah was just about to take a few steps back because the proximity was making her uncomfortable when she noticed Delphine step a little closer. They instantly found each others eyes. As though controlled by someone else Sarah moved one hand to Delphine's waist and in response Delphine brushed her hand against Sarah's cheek.
"We're making everything worse?," Sarah whispered tightening the grip around Delphine's waist.
"I know," was she faint response.
The kiss wasn't as passionate, demanding and uncontrolled as last nights' but rather careful and much more intimate. It almost felt like they were testing out how far they could take it with the other one.
"You're trembling," Delphine whispered.
"I am not," Sarah murmured and moved a definitely shaky hand up Delphine's back pulling her closer. Delphine decided not to go into that any further. For a brief moment they forgot about he consequences of their actions.
The ringing noise of Delphine's phone brought them back into reality. Having one arm still wrapped around Sarah's waist she reached out for her phone. When she looked at the display the sadness returned to her face.
"Cosima?," Sarah asked.
"Yeah," she responded and picked up, slightly loosening the grip around Sarah's body. "Hello, Cosima." A little pause. "Non, I'm still at work." Another longer pause. "Yes, that's okay. I'll be there soon. Don't worry. It's fine. Bye." She hung up and looked at Sarah. "She just told me that you're out and that she's got the whole loft to herself. She wants to talk."
"And you're going to see her?," Sarah wriggled herself free from Delphine's arms.
"I think it's better if I do."
"And what am I supposed to do? Have you forgotten that I live there too?"
"I wasn't planning on staying long."
"Do you want to break up with her?," Sarah said with her eyes widened in shock.
"Non, of course not. But I have to speak to her, she doesn't deserve to be ignored any longer."
"So what are you gonna say?"
"I will tell her that everything is fine, that she shouldn't worry."
"Delphine, nothing is fine. How can you…"
"I can't possibly tell her the truth. As long as she thinks everything is fine between us, you and I can work things out," she paused and looked at Sarah, "I'm sorry but that's my plan."
"How can you tell her that everything is fine when…when we just…," Sarah couldn't finish her sentence.
"I'm not proud of what I've done but this isn't the first time I've hidden a part of who I am."
"Yeah? And how long did it take for your camouflage to blow up the last time? A week? Two? Refresh my memory, would you."
"That's enough time for us to work it out."
"There is no way to work this out!" Sarah was yelling now. "Why don't you just tell me to fuck off and never talk to me again. Don't be such a bloody coward, I can handle that. Just do it."
"I can't!" Delphine grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her against the glass windows, their faces inches apart. "And you know why."
Taken aback by the situation Sarah fell silent for a moment. She just stared back into Delphine's eyes, making an effort not to blink before she did. "So, what are you gonna do now? Kiss me against your fancy glass windows," she said smugly.
"Putain," Delphine growled and let go of her.
"What?"
"Forget it. I'm going to see Cosima now, since you can't come with me and I can't leave you in here alone I propose I'll have someone drive you to my place for the time being."
"Nice try, Cormier. Are you sure that's such a good idea?"
"If you have a good explanation why you should be in the loft too then, please, come with me," she raised her eyebrows questioningly.
"Very funny. Ha. Ha. Why can't I just wait here?"
"Security protocol."
Sarah rolled her eyes. "I really think it's a bad idea, Delphine. Just drop me of a few blocks from the loft, I'll find a bar or something."
"D'accord. Let's go then."