Chapter 7
Sarah didn't go to a bar. That would result in her getting drunk and probably doing things she'd regret the next morning. Plus, she had to take Kira to school tomorrow and she wouldn't miss that for the world. Shortly after Delphine had vanished in the loft she snuck up the outside stairs on to the little patio in front of the entrance door. She sat down against the wall in the far corner so that she would be out of sight should Delphine decide to take Cosima home with her. This way any awkward conversations were prevented.
And indeed it didn't take long for the door to open. The fluorescent light from the small hallway lit up a small part of the patio. Sarah held her breath but it was only Delphine who emerged from the building.
"How did it go?"
Delphine jumped. "Putain! Sarah," she whispered," are you out of your mind? You really scared me."
Sarah smirked. "Sorry. So? What happened in there?"
"Hey," Cosima's face lit up as she opened the door. Delphine entered and waited for her to latch it with the screwdriver. Cosima's hand rested on the tool and she slowly turned her head towards Delphine. "Thank you," she exhaled and stepped closer to her. "Can I hug you?"
"Oh, Cosima," Delphine stumbled forward and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. Now she understood what Sarah had talked about. Cosima's total obliviousness made her disgusted with herself. The way she blindly devoted herself to their relationship was deeply moving but at the same time she hated herself for what she did. Cosima did deserve someone better but ending the relationship would destroy her. Her small hands held onto Delphine and it felt like she was hanging onto her for dear life.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry."
"It's fine. Don't worry. You don't have to be sorry." Delphine cradled the back of her head and pressed her body closer inhaling the familiar scent. So different from Sarah's.
"I've missed you," Cosima whispered.
Delphine held her close and softly kissed her cheek. Slowly, Cosima let go of her and adjusted her glasses. Her dreads were up in a bun and she had a blanket draped over her shoulders. Delphine noticed the open laptop on the couch table.
"Were you working?"
"Oh, nah. Not at this time. I was watching this stupid TV show, with Sarah actually, and now I was just getting ready for bed."
"Is Sarah not here?," she glanced around the flat.
"No, she uhm… she left a while ago. She said she needed 'some air'", Cosima air-quoted the last two words.
"Oh okay."
"Yeah, she's been weird lately, probably stress or something. Can I get you something to drink?"
Delphine was glad that Cosima didn't seem to bother with Sarah's weird behavior. "Maybe just a water, I cannot stay long. I have a meeting tomorrow and I still have to go through some documents."
"Sure, no problem."
They sat down on the couch and Cosima nestled her head in Delphine's shoulder, resting her hand on her thigh. "Are we really okay?"
"Yes, we are," Delphine cradled the back of her hand.
"Promise?," Cosima lifted her head up facing her.
"I promise."
Cosima smiled her warm, endearing smile and leaned in to kiss her. Her hands found the back of Delphine's neck and she felt the longing in Cosima's touches. She kissed her back, mechanically, but her head was not here in the loft but back in her bedroom with someone else's kissing her lips. She raised her hand and expected to run it through messy brown hair but instead she found Cosima's dreads and was catapulted back into reality.
"Mmmh, I kinda missed this," Cosima murmured. "Do you really have to go?"
She forced a smile, "I'm afraid I have to."
"And what about tomorrow. I know for a fact the Fe will be out and I'm sure I can convince Sarah to visit S with Kira. Or we could always go to your place."
Cosima really was eager to see her again as soon as possible. She forced another smile "I'll see what I can do, okay?"
"Alright."
"I guess I better get going."
"Yep, absolutely. It's late."
They kissed again, and Delphine though of Sarah again. When Cosima removed the screwdriver she paused for a moment. "You would tell me if there was anything between us, right?"
"Of course, you can trust me," Delphine kissed her again and turned away, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.
"See. I told you she is noticing that something's off. Cosima is not an idiot," Sarah said. Delphine had pretty much recounted the entire conversation between her and Cosima.
"I know. But as long as she isn't suspecting that we… you know… as long as she thinks it's only about me we are fine."
"Please, will you stop saying that things are fine! They are not," Sarah hissed. She couldn't risk talking loudly near to loft because the walls weren't that thick.
"They are fine for now. We've got time."
"We?"
"Well, yes. I mean… I, you," Delphine was interrupted by the creaking of the metal steps that led to the loft. They both turned and recognized Felix making his way upstairs. He looked tired but at the sight of the two his eyes lit up in surprise. "Well, well, well if it isn't my favorite sister with her DYAD rendez-vous."
Delphine's face derailed. "He knows?," there was a certain trace of hysteria in her voice.
"He's my brother, he knows everything about me."
"Don't worry, darling," Felix had reached the top of the stairs now, "I'm good at keeping secrets." He winked at Delphine who was completely speechless. "Did I interrupt you two?," he asked.
"No, Delphine was just about to leave," Sarah responded looking at her decisively.
"Yes, indeed I was," Delphine said, " have a good night you two." Without looking at Sarah again she went down the stairs slamming the metal gate at the foot of the stairs shut.
"Oh my, I guess she wasn't about to leave just yet," Felix remarked after the rattle subsided.
"Not really, no," Sarah smirked, " but I'm happy she's gone for now. That girl is making me go crazy. Anyway, where have you been?"
"Out…," he paused and gave Sarah a meaningful look.
"Nevermind, spare me the details. Uh, Fe, if Cos asks where I've been can I just tell her that I ran into you while I was taking a walk and we ended up having a drink."
"Whatever, just make sure you resolve your lesbian drama as soon as possible, I'm starting to feel bad for your sister."
Sarah was rolling from one side to the other. Sleeping was impossible even though she had turned the lights out hours ago. She could hear birds chirping outside of the window and groaned in agony. A glance to her phone told her that she had to be ready to take Kira to school in less than an hour.
"Fuck it," she murmured. After getting dressed she went into the kitchen to prepare Kira's lunch. While slurping a coffee she scrolled through her phone waiting for a message from her. A little sign that she still cared after last night's rough good-bye, just a little something to let her know she wasn't that mad. Nothing. Still a little sleepy she woke her daughter and made her breakfast.
"Do you have everything?," she asked as they were about to leave.
Kira nodded.
"Sure?"
"Yes mommy."
"Good, 'cause I don't feel like walking back again for your pencil case, like last Friday."
"I got it," Kira responded and opened the door.
The walk to the school was only a few blocks and Sarah enjoyed having a little mom-and-daughter-time. After all, they still had a lot to catch up on.
"Why were you out so much?," her daughter asked as they had turned the corner of their street.
"I was busy, I had to talk to people."
"What people?"
"Nothing important."
"Was it about your sisters?"
"Yeah, some of it. But listen, monkey, you don't have to worry. I won't be out as much, I promise."
Kira didn't respond but stared at the pavement in front of her. Sarah felt bad for not telling her the truth but how could she? Kira was a child and she didn't need to know about her mothers escapades. They silently walked the rest of the way hand in hand.
"All right, here we are. Have fun. I'll pick you up later."
"Bye mommy," they hugged and Sarah watched her until she disappeared into the building.
Just as she was turning around to head back home, she noticed the familiar car on the other side of the street. It was her. Doubtlessly. She wore black sunglasses and hid behind the sun shield on the driver's side. Sarah walked over. The passenger door opened.
"So are you finally monitoring two subjects?" her hand rested on the door frame.
"Very funny. Come on, get in."
Sarah obliged and sat down in the passenger seat. "About last night…"
"It's fine, I…"
"I swear, if you say that once more, I'm going to bash your head in," Sarah couldn't hide a grin flashing over her face.
"Okay," Delphine couldn't help but grin back. Sarah's accent paired with a bad conscience was just too much. "But it was probably for the best. Imagine if she would have discovered us talking outside of the loft."
"Yeah… that would have been shite. So anyways, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"We weren't done talking yesterday."
"So you thought it best to abduct me after I bring my daughter to school?"
"I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor." Delphine buckled up and started the engine.
"Where are we going? DYAD?"
"Are you out if your mind? Non, I figured we'd get some coffee and then take a walk."
"A walk?"
"Yes a walk."
"I'm not fifty, Delphine. I'm not taking a walk."
She did take a walk.
20 minutes later Sarah clutched a cardboard cup and walked along the shore of the lake. The skyscrapers of the downtown area were glistening in the sunlight and she noticed that she hadn't been in this part of the city in a long while.
"Well, we're walking now," Sarah squinted because of the sunlight," what did you want to talk about?"
Delphine smiled. "Actually, I'm not sure."
"This is great, you don't know what you want to say, and yet you drag me along this bloody stroll."
"You're a little cute when you're all grumpy like that."
"Okay, you need to stop," Sarah pushed her shoulder with her free hand. They continued to walk in silence and Sarah let her eyes wander over the water. After a while she noticed an empty bench on a boardwalk right by the water. "Do you wanna sit down for a second?" Delphine nodded.
Sarah was toying with her now empty cup when suddenly, Delphine began to speak.
"It's funny how everything turned upside down in only two days."
"Yeah…"
"I mean, two days ago all I had to worry about was illegal cloning experiments and fatal auto-immune diseases."
"You forgot Rachel."
Delphine chuckled, "Yes, and Rachel."
"But right now, I… I don't know what to think."
"I think I know what you mean."
"We can't continue this, Sarah."
Sarah looked out on the calm lake and swallowed to stop her throat from closing up. "I know."
"If it weren't for Cosima, trust me…"
"You don't have to find excuses. And for the record, I imagine you were never supposed to shag any of your subjects in the first place, so even if it weren't for Cosima it would still be problematic."
"Yes.. all of the monitors kind of messed that part up."
"What?"
"I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?"
"How do you know that?"
"Know what?"
"That ALL of them messed up. Who told you about Paul and me?"
"Oh," she smirked. "Well, technically we're colleagues so…"
"Wow. That is just messed up. I don't even wanna know how those meetings go down. Do you exchange tips on what turns us on?"
"Sarah, come on."
"This is so stupid," she shook her head in disbelief. "Anyways, we were talking about something else," she paused. "We can't do this, I know but…," the lump in her throat was growing again.
"…but you don't want to stop," Delphine finished her sentence.
"Yeah." Sarah turned her head away from her and ran her finger through her hair. "I'm sorry, Delphine. I can't do this right now," she got up and started walking away.
"I don't want it to stop either." She said it quietly. For a split second Sarah was wondering if her ears had betrayed her. She jerked to a halt and turned around.
"How, Delphine? Tell me, how is this going to work out?"
"I don't know but we'll figure it out," she started walking towards Sarah. "I will take time but we'll manage."
"I can't…," she felt the tears stinging in her eyes.
Delphine had closed up to her. "I don't what this to end," she breathed.
"This? What is this even? What are we? Fuckbuddies? Certainly not girlfriends! God, this is just bullshit," Sarah voice rose in hysteria. A jogger passed by them and looked curiously. "Take a picture, pal. It'll last longer," Sarah yelled after him and he quickly went on. Her eyes found Delphine's again who brushed Sarah's fingers with hers.
"Don't," Sarah closed her eyes. Suddenly, she felt Delphine's body against hers, she held her tight, resting her chin on her shoulder. "Please, Sarah." The familiar scent was comforting her. Almost automatically Sarah softly pushed her away at arms length.
"I don't regret anything that has happened between us. But Cosima is my sister. I can't to that to her. We both love her in our own way. Maybe we would have worked out under different circumstances. I won't ever forget this," and with that she placed one last lingering kiss on Delphine's lips and walked away not looking back.