Chapter 17
Louis woke up the next morning rearing and ready to go. He started to run his fingers through his papa’s hair happily, Nick opening his eyes to see Louis nose to nose with him.
“Hi papa!” Louis whispered in a loud tone. Nick put a finger to his lips, climbing out of bed and offering the boy a hand. Harry had admitted that Louis had been waking up early and it left him tired, especially with the time changes. Nick promised to let him sleep, and that’s what he’d do.
“Let’s get you all dressed for the day and we can go get some yummy breakfast!” Nick exclaimed as he changed the boy’s diaper in the living area of the room.
“Pancakes?” Louis asked hopefully.
“Lots and lots of pancakes,” Nick said, tickling the boy’s cute little tummy. He was happy to see that Louis had filled out, now having a tiny belly instead of sharp hips jutting out.
“Want to wear the soft leggings, please,” Louis said as Nick rummaged through his suitcase.
“All right, love,” Nick said. He dressed the boy in a pair of black leggings and a bright blue shirt that had the cast of Bubble Guppies on it, the boy insisting that he wear it. “Let’s go brush our teeth and then head out!”
Alberto’s door was half open when they entered the hallway, Louis all bundled up in a puffy winter coat and gloves. Nick made sure to grab Louis’ diaper bag, making sure it was filled with everything he might need.
Nick knocked quietly on his door, the guard quickly opening it. “Good morning, where are we headed?” Alberto said, pulling on a jacket.
“I thought we could go to the Original Pancake House on the Magnificent Mile, it’s a bit down the road,” Nick said, Louis letting out a gasp of excitement.
“Sounds good, I’m always up for some pancakes. Let me get Phil from next door then we can head out.”
Louis was excited to have some time with his papa, especially when they were eating pancakes together. He was so happy to be holding his papa’s hand as they took the elevator to the parking garage.
“Are you going to watch me sing tonight, papa?” Louis asked curiously.
“I am, I can’t wait to watch you and daddy, darling!” Nick said. And it was true. Even when he was just with Harry, he loved watching the group perform. He’d never seen anything like it, the way that they would hold a group of 60,000+ under a spell for two hours.
They drove to the restaurant quickly, Phil pulling the car up out front. “I’ll go find a spot and then I’ll be inside.”
Nick hopped out and unbuckled Louis, Alberto heading into the restaurant to explain the situation to the hostess. It was just after 7:00, so it thankfully wasn’t too busy. As Louis and Nick walked in the woman looked rightfully flustered, quickly gathering up menus to take them to two booths at the back of restaurant.
“Do these two booths work?” She asked, shakily placing down the menus at both.
“They’re perfect, thank you,” Nick said with a smile, trying to put the woman at ease.
“Papa, sit next to me!” Louis said, sliding into the booth. The man in question sat next to Louis, leaving the other side of the booth empty.
Nick opened the menu, figuring out what he should order. Louis leaned his head on Nick’s shoulder, looking around at the restaurant. He saw a girl with her mouth wide, clearly staring at him; he smiled hugely, waving to her. She blushed bright red, looking down at her drink. Louis frowned, upset at making the girl upset.
He was shaken from his thoughts when an older woman walked up to their table with a kind smile.
“Good morning! I’m Theresa, I’ll be serving you today. What can I get you both to drink?”
“Morning, a big cup of coffee for me, and some skim milk in here for the little one, please,” Nick said, handing over a bottle.
“No problem, I’ll have that right out!”
“Chocolate chip pancakes and scrambled eggs, darling?” Nick asked, wanting to confirm.
“Yes! With lots of whipped cream, please,” Louis said, kissing his papa’s cheek sweetly.
“Of course, love.”
Theresa walked back up with the drinks for the two, Nick grabbing a sugar packet from where they were stacked up on the table.
“Are you ready to order?” She asked, grabbing her notepad at Nick’s affirmation.
“I’ll have an order of plain pancakes for me, and chocolate chip pancakes with scrambled eggs to share.”
“Whipped cream, too, papa!” Louis said, looking at the waitress with a hopeful smile.
“Of course, cutie, lots of whipped cream for you,” She said with a smile.
Louis took a big sip of his bottle, moving his papa’s free hand to his tummy. Nick let out a laugh, beginning to rub the boy’s stomach.
“Are you having a good time on tour so far?” Nick asked, not having had a chance to talk to Louis about it yet.
Louis sighed; he’d been thinking about this very topic a lot. He wanted to talk to both of his daddies about it together, especially after last night. Nick waited patiently for the boy to speak, not wanting to rush him.
“It’s fun. The fans are always loud and have nice signs. But it’s hard. Sometimes fans say mean things or scream really loud and it scares me. I’m always really tired and I can’t sleep because we have to sing on stage late at night. It’s like… I don’t love it the way I used to. I just think about being at home with you and daddy and want to cry, I would do anything to just lay on the couch or play with my toys in the playroom. I feel ungrateful; it makes my tummy hurt thinking about how sad people would be if they knew I didn’t want to sing anymore. I’m scared daddy won’t love me anymore if he knew. The boys and daddy all love it so much, they’re good at this,” Louis finished, letting out a sad sound. He looked down, not wanting to see the disappointed look he thought his papa would have on his face.
Nick thought carefully before speaking. “Love, let me start by saying daddy loves you so much, he will always love you. All we want is for you to be happy, and if that means this is the last time you tour, then that’s okay. These past few months have been full of lots of changes, both in your life and for you in general. Accepting your classification changes everything about you, especially when it happens like it did for you. It’s natural to change, even if it is such a big part of your life. We can talk to daddy later and see what he thinks, but I want you to know that he loves you and everything will be okay. Thank you for being honest with me, my brave little cub. Papa’s here to protect you and make sure you’re happy.”
“If you don’t think daddy will be mad, then I’ll talk to him. I was just scared,” Louis admits honestly.
“He definitely won’t be mad at you, he just wants what’s best for you. Just like I do.”
“Okay, love you papa. Thank you.”
“Of course, love. That’s what I’m here for.”
“And for tummy rubs,” Louis added, giggling.
“Tummy rubs? What about tummy tickles?” Nick asked, tickling the little boy, drawing loud giggles from him.
“Papa!” Louis exclaimed, blushing. “You made me wet.”
“Let’s get you changed then, my little tickle monster,” Nick said, pressing kisses all over the boy’s face. He held up a finger to Louis, telling him to wait in the booth. He leaned down to Alberto’s booth, asking if the man would come to the bathroom to make sure no one walked in while he was changing Louis. Nick was overjoyed to see a little-sized changing table, making it easy to get Louis in a new diaper quickly.
“All better?” Nick asked, pulling the little boy’s leggings up. Louis nodded, blushing slightly. As they headed out back to the table, the fan that was staring earlier stopped them. Alberto was respectful as always, allowing the girl to speak so he could see Louis’ reaction before telling her to go away.
“Could I get a picture with you, Louis? I’m seeing you tonight and it’d mean a lot to me, please!” She said with a smile.
“Sure!” Louis said, throwing his arms around her shoulders. Nick took the girl’s phone, snapping a quick picture of them smiling.
“Thank you so much! You guys are really sweet. Can I ask a question?”
“What is it?” Louis asked, curiosity getting the better of him.
“Well, I tweeted that I saw you, not where I was, of course. And a lot of fans are asking who’s daddy and who’s papa? People saw the bracelet picture but didn’t know who was who.”
“This is my papa,” Louis said, hugging the man tightly, cheeks blushing lightly.
“Thank you so much, I’ll stop bothering you now!” The girl said, quickly walking out of the restaurant where her family was waiting for her.
Alberto walked the two back to their booth, Louis sliding in first.
“Can I post a picture to Instagram? I promised a lot of people I’d post more pictures of your cute face,” Nick said.
“People want to see me?” Louis asked with innocent shock.
“Everyone I know wants to see you, darling. I’ve promised lots of my friends that they could meet you once we’re home! And your gran and grandpa can’t wait to meet you either!”
“Your mommy and daddy?” Louis asked, Nick nodding.
“That’s right! They’ve been out of the country, but they’re back and are so excited to meet you. You’ll love them,” Nick promised.
“I’m excited! And I get to meet Harry’s daddy too!” Louis said in reference to Harry’s stepfather, Robin. Louis climbed onto Nick’s lap for the picture, smiling wide at the camera. Nick quickly Instagrammed it: Papa, his little prince, and some pancakes.
“I’m your prince, papa?” Louis asked, a small smile on his face.
“The most handsome and wonderful little prince in the entire world,” Nick said, kissing the boy’s lips.
“All right, let’s see what we have here,” Theresa said, walking back up with their tray of food.
Louis had slid off the man’s lap and was bouncing in the booth as Nick cut up his pancakes that definitely had enough whipped cream on them. Nick didn’t even have to ask Louis to open his mouth, the little already sitting there with his mouth open.
“Good?” Nick asked, taking a bit of his own food as Louis chewed.
“Yum yum yum,” Louis moaned as the food melted in his mouth.
Louis thought he was going to explode if he ate any more, but he was in heaven after such a delicious meal. He rested his head on his papa’s shoulder and drank some milk while the man finished up.
Phil peeked over the booth, seeing that they were almost done eating. “The car is a few blocks up, do you want me to go get it?”
“Can we walk, papa? I want to see the stores.”
“As long as you pinky swear you’ll stay by me,” Nick said, Louis immediately holding up his pinky.
Once their meal was paid for, the group got up from their tables. Louis immediately grabbed his papa’s hand after the man put his winter gear on, excited to walk outside. He never used to go outside in cities, terrified of crowds and being hounded by fans. His daddies made him feel safe; he was happy he could go out now and see how cool all of the places they went were.
The three adults were endeared by the way that Louis was looking around at everything like he’d never been outside before. They passed a homeless man sitting against a building with a little dog, and Louis stopped, eyes welling up with tears.
“Papa, why’s he sitting outside? It’s yucky out,” Louis asked.
Quietly, Nick answered gently, “He’s just trying to get some money from nice people who walk by, and then he’ll go home with his doggie in a few hours.” Nick hated lying to the boy, but if he told him that he lived outside with his dog he knew Louis would be devastated.
“Can we give him some money, pretty please?” Louis asked, a tear moving down his cheek.
“Of course, love,” Nick said, pulling out his wallet. He gave Louis an $100 dollar bill, knowing that it was getting cold and it could hopefully help the man get a motel room for a few nights. “Go hand it to him, then come right back.”
Louis shyly walked up to the man, bending down. “Hi, Mister. Can I pet your doggie?”
“Of course you can, little one. Her name is Cinderella, she’s a good girl.” The man smiled at him, letting go of his hold on his dog. The chihuahua jumped off his lap, running up to where Louis was bending down.
“Hi Cinderella, I’m Louis,” The boy said, carefully putting a hand down near the dog’s head. He’d never had a pet, but he loved dogs a lot. They were always licking him, and he loved that so much.
“Look at that, she likes you,” The man said with a smile.
“Thank you for letting me pet her, she’s very nice. I have a dollar for you, if you want it. My papa said I could bring it to you!”
“That’s very kind of you,” The man said, reaching for the money Louis was reaching out. He gasped when he saw that it was a $100, not the dollar bill Louis thought it was. Oh, to be a child again, he thought. “Thank you, little one, this means a lot. Your papa raised you very well.”
“He’s a good papa! Thank you Mister!” Louis said, standing up and waving before skipping away.
“His dog’s name is Cinderella, papa! She let me pet her,” Louis said, grabbing Nick’s hand once again.
Nick took pictures of the interaction, sending them off to Harry who had just texted him back saying that he’s awake.
“I saw that! She looked very sweet,” Nick said.
They kept walking, Phil telling Nick they were about a half block from the car park when Louis gasped and stopped walking.
Nick knew that they’d be taking a detour once he saw Louis’ wide eyes staring at the Disney Store.
“Want to go in?” Nick asked teasingly, Louis not even verbally replying, just tugging the man inside.
The store was organized by movie and show, each little section having sizes for both true children and littles. It was difficult to size general stores for littles, as they could be of all shapes and sizes. Nick was happy that Louis was quite small, because it wouldn’t be a problem finding him anything he wanted.
“Papa, look! They have Doc!” Louis said as he walked in the store, moving over to the Doc McStuffins display. It was some show about a kid doctor who took care of her magical toys… don’t ask Nick, it kept Louis occupied and happy, that’s all that matters.
“Look at that! Maybe she can play with the guppies,” Nick suggested as Louis was looking at the plastic figurines set.
“Can I please get them?” Louis asked as if Nick would say no. The boy was always waiting for Nick or Harry to say no, but the word honestly didn’t come often. In Nick and Harry’s eyes, the boy could buy whatever he wanted with his own money anyways, so saying no wasn’t really something they had the power to do. If they even wanted to say no in the first place.
“Of course, love, you can get anything you want.”
Whatever Louis wanted ended up being the plastic figurines, Pocahantas, Toy Story, Finding Nemo, and Inside Out pajamas, and a few bottles and pacifiers. It was a successful shopping trip, if Louis had anything to say about it. The boy thanked Nick about a thousand times, overjoyed to have new stuff to show his daddy.
Once they were back at the hotel, Louis was ridiculously anxious to see his daddy. This was the longest time he’d gone without him in weeks, and he couldn’t wait to hug him again. He asked Nick a few times on the car ride back if his daddy was at the hotel, and Nick soothed him every time. Nick could tell the boy was getting emotional, and texted Harry to give him a heads up.
Louis didn’t know why he was feeling like this, a mixture of missing his daddy and thinking about what him and papa talked about making him a bit nervous and sad. He just wanted to hug his daddy. As soon as they were in their hotel room, Louis felt his stomach in knots.
“Daddy?” Louis cried out, not seeing the man in the bedroom, so he started walking towards the living area.
“In here, angel,” Harry said, swallowing the last of his quinoa. He suddenly had a lap full of heavily breathing Louis, the boy shaking a bit.
“What’s wrong, pumpkin?” Harry asked, resituating the boy so he was in a more comfortable position. At Harry’s question he started to cry. Nick silently moved in the room to sit on the couch beside Harry, communicating with his boyfriend silently. He knew it’d be emotional, but it was a conversation that needed to be had. Nick sat quietly while Harry held Louis, whispering sweet words in the boy’s ear. He knew this wasn’t his battle to fight, but he’d be there to help in any way he could.
“I m-missed you, daddy,” Louis whimpered, letting the man know a tiny bit of the reason why he was crying.
Harry’s heart simultaneously melted and broke at the boy’s admission. “I missed you too, my little ducky. But you had fun with papa, didn’t you?”
Louis nodded at the man’s question. “Don’t w-want you to leave me.”
“Oh, angel, I’m never going to leave you! I was right here waiting for you and papa to come back and tell me all about your time together!”
“No, daddy. Leave me forever,” Louis sobbed, frustrated that his daddy couldn’t just read hs mind and know everything that was on his mind.
“Baby, why would you think that?” Harry asked, knowing he was getting to the root of why his boy was so upset.
“I c-can’t,” Louis moaned before putting his thumb in his mouth. Louis was not feeling good. His tummy and head hurt, and he just couldn’t stop crying. It was like word vomit, he was planning on not telling his daddy what he was thinking, but here he was. He couldn’t stop thinking of his daddies’ most important rules, to tell them when he was feeling sad so they could help him. But he let it build up inside of him, the way he’d want to scream and cry when he was woken up in the morning, the way he never felt like he slept enough with the time changes, the way the fans’ shrieks would pierce into his brain. And they’d only done three shows so far.
“It’s okay, just take your time. Papa and I will be right here,” Harry said.
Louis tried to calm his breathing, attempting to focus on sucking his thumb. He closed his eyes, breathing slowly. The little couldn’t be embarrassed as he felt his bladder release, he’d drank all his milk and hadn’t gone in a while.
Harry felt Louis going to the bathroom, the diaper warming where the little was sat on his lap. He waited a moment before saying anything, not wanting the boy to get a rash.
“Love, can daddy change you and get you into some comfy pajamas? Then we can cuddle in bed,” Harry said softly. Louis nodded, not removing his thumb from his mouth. Harry picked the boy up in his arms, hooking his left arm under his knees. Nick moved ahead of them, placing the plastic changing table on the bed. They worked together to get the boy out of his clothes, Louis laying down in only his wet diaper.
“Such a good boy,” Nick murmured, running his fingers through Louis’ hair. The little blushed, smiling diminutively behind his thumb. Harry changed him quickly, putting him into a thick, soft diaper that he knew Louis loved but would never admit to. Going to Louis’ suitcase, Harry washed his hands, then grabbed Louis’ beloved Bubble Guppies onesie, knowing the boy would want to wear it. He quickly pulled it over the boy’s head and snapped up the crotch before lying down on the bed. Louis crawled next to him, placing his head on his daddy’s chest. Nick folded up the plastic changing mat, placing it away before positioning himself right behind Louis. He laughed quietly as Louis reached back for his hand, placing it on his stomach. Nick immediately began giving him a belly rub.
“Take your time, love, we’ll be here when you want to talk,” Harry said, Louis calming down at the sound of his daddy’s heartbeat. He was here, Louis thought. Maybe he’d leave him, but papa said he wouldn’t. He should trust his papa, shouldn’t he? It was now or never. His mind was in a weird place; he was in more of an adult headspace than he’d been in over a month, but he was feeling so little at the same time. His emotions were running wild, and he couldn’t get a hold on them.
“Papa asked me about tour, and it made me sad and nervous and scared. Being put in the band was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I… I don’t know where I’d be without this. Without you. It’s just… ever since I started figuring out who I really am, it isn’t the same. I’m always tired, and scared of the fans, and just wanting to be at home with you and papa. It makes me sick to my tummy to think about it, to think of how ungrateful I’m being. I just don’t want to do this anymore, but I don’t want to let anyone down. I don’t want to let you down, daddy.” Louis said in a shaky voice, tears falling down his face. He tensed as he waited for his daddy to reply, scared he’d tell him to get out. Deep down, he knew his Harry; the Harry who’d known him for five years now, would never kick him out. Fear was feeding on him, though, making it so that it seemed obvious that Harry would want nothing to do with him.
Harry felt a bit relieved at Louis’ words, honestly. The others had asked him whether or not Louis knew they were most likely done after this tour, and he had answered no. It was a tough conversation that he wasn’t ready to have, but now… here he was.
“Love, I want to start by saying daddy will never leave you. I’ve been your daddy for a little bit now, but you’ve been my Louis for five years. There’s nothing you could do to make me leave you, ever. I promise. And your happiness and health comes before anything, that’s the most important thing to both papa and myself. I was waiting to talk to you about it until it was a sure thing, but there’s been talk of there being a break after this tour. As you know, Zayn wants to do his own thing, Liam wants to get married, and Niall wants to… do Niall things. It’s too much for all of us at this point, and we were thinking of not renewing our contract again. We only have 12 tour dates left until we’re done, then you never have to work a day in your life again, unless you decide you want to. Papa and I would be more than happy to just cuddle you all day every day, that sounds perfect to me. I would never be upset because you don’t like touring, I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you, baby. I’m trying to make it as easy as possible for you, but I know it’s still hard. If there’s anything I can do that I’m not doing, please please let me know.”
Louis breathed a sigh of relief, “To hear that this could be over in 12 shows makes me so happy. I can’t even feel bad about it. It’s like… everyone thinks I’m different and able to be my little self, but I’m not. I wake up from my naps and that’s when I feel like I’m actually being myself. Then I have to go sing and talk to people and be screamed at and I feel so old. Older than I want to be. Like talking to you so properly right now? It makes my skin crawl, it goes against everything my brain is telling me to do. Everything I want to do. I just want to get through these shows and be done for a little bit.”
“Only twelve more shows to go, Loulou. We’re almost there. And if you decide you want to sing still, we can arrange that. We have all of the time in the world to figure this out. Like I said, I’ll always love you, no matter what. Papa and I will never leave you, ever ever ever,” Harry sat up, pressing a kiss to Louis’ lips. The little immediately wrapped his arms around his daddy, pulling him into a tight hug.
“Love you, daddy,” Louis said, letting out a yawn.
“I think it’s naptime for a certain someone,” Nick said lightly, hugging Harry so that Louis was engulfed in the embrace of the bigger men.
“Yes, please,” Louis said giggling, wriggling in between the two men playfully. The little was out like a light a few minutes later, Harry looking at Nick mischievously. He turned on the baby monitor and left it on the bedside table before grabbing its counterpart and the room key that Alberto had given him yesterday. Raising his eyebrows at Nick, the man sauntered out of the room. It was definitely time to release some pent up stress, if Harry had anything to say about it.
Louis, much to his chagrin, did not wake up feeling as little as he would like to. Instead, he woke up feeling extremely antsy, his mind racing. Harry’s words were echoing in his mind, “Papa and I will never leave you, ever ever ever.” No matter how much Louis wanted to believe that, he couldn’t. Everything in his life leading up to Harry and Nick had told him otherwise. He remembered the time he’d wet the bed when he was 15, his mum telling him the night prior that if he did it again he’d regret it immensely.
He didn’t even have time to fully think about how relaxing it was to sleep through the night before he felt the wet material pressed against his legs. Trying not to cry, Louis banged his fist into his head repeatedly. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. He needed to fix this before his mum found out.
It was Saturday, so he knew she’d be at work until at least lunchtime. His grand idea was to quickly wash and dry his sheets and comforter, even though he knew it’d take a couple loads to finish all of it. He had 3 hours, he’d be cutting it close.
Trying not to panic, Louis quickly got up and gathered his sheets and duvet together. In hindsight, he realized he probably should’ve changed his clothes before going downstairs, but he didn’t know if he even had time to do that. So he didn’t.
Louis was well-versed in washing his own clothes, but sheets? He had absolutely no idea. Common sense says that sheets take up more room than a shirt or pair of trousers, so they probably require a lot more laundry detergent. So he dumped a ton in, thinking it would help make them clean. And he waited somewhat impatiently in the kitchen, pacing back and forth, wet boxers rubbing uncomfortably against his inner thigh.
He heard a noise and panicked, wondering who could be home early. But the door never opened, so what was it? He rushed to the laundry room to check on how much longer his sheets would take and saw bubbles escaping the washer and falling onto the floor, a thick layer of liquid already on the ground. And that’s where his mum found him, trying to scoop up the endless pile of soap off of the tile with his bare, wrinkly hands and put it into the sink.
Louis didn’t even realize she was there until his head was kicked into the hard metal of the laundry machine, the little too stunned to even move. So she just continued kicking and punching him, screaming angry words at him. He didn’t even have to admit what he did, the sight of his duvet sitting on the washer enough to confirm that he wet the bed once again.
It was the hatred of his own mother that showed him no one would ever truly be there for him. Sure, people would be there for a little, but they’d realize he was useless. They’d always realize he was useless. The words of his mum stuck in his mind, and they always would.
“I don’t know what you’re going to do for the rest of your life, no one will ever want you for keeps. Remember that, you useless little rat. You will always be a let down, even if people don’t realize it at first. You’ll never be good enough for anyone.”
He couldn’t stop thinking about his mum’s words, but what about what his daddies said? They always told him they wouldn’t leave him, but maybe his mum was right. His problem was figuring out how he’d know? Maybe he could test it out. If he acted as naughty as he could be, then his daddies would leave him. Or they wouldn’t; he really hoped they wouldn’t. He had no idea what he could do to act like a bad boy, but he’d figure it out. His mum always told him how bad he was even when he thought he was doing things right, so maybe this would be easier than he thought.
Letting out a loud whimper to signal his daddies that he was awake, he knew he needed to set his plan in motion. That’s the only reason he was calling them in, it wasn’t because he messed his diaper or anything. On the bright side, the band was over in 12 shows, so if his daddy didn’t want him anymore he’d never have to see him again. This would be good, it’d answer his questions once and for all. He needed to do this.
“Hi angel, did you sleep well?” Harry asked in a gentle voice, walking into the bedroom from the living room.
“Messy,” Louis mumbled into Dusty’s fur. It was never fun soiling his diaper, but maybe it would make his daddies leave him. His plan was working out great already.
“It’s okay, baby, daddy will get you all nice and clean, then we can take a nice bubble bath,” Harry cooed, bending down at the end of the bed to pick up the changing supplies. He told Nick to start up the bath, peppering kisses all over Louis’ face in between each word. That was something that Louis would never understand, the way that his daddy and papa were so okay with changing his diapers. Why would they do that for him?
Once Louis was all cleaned up, diaper change including Harry singing to him softly and ticking his belly, he was left naked and walked to the bathroom. Nick was sitting by the big Jacuzzi tub, meticulously pouring in Louis’ favorite bubbles.
“Ready to hop in, darling?” Nick asked, feeling the water one last time before standing up. He pressed a kiss to Louis’ forehead, unfazed by the boy’s nudity. Louis tried not to giggle as his papa picked him up under his armpits and placed him in the tub.
Louis chastised himself; he needed to get it together. No laughing, he was trying to see if he could push his daddies away.
“Toys,” Louis asked, making sure not to tack the please on as he would usually do.
“Of course, angel!” Harry said excitedly, placing Louis’ favorite spray boats in the tub. Louis couldn’t help but let out a happy sound and clap excitedly at the sight of the colorful little boats.
He played with the toys for a bit, his daddies nonchalantly taking pictures and sending them out to their respective parents. Louis decided he would spray his daddies with the water and maybe that would make them mad… It didn’t.
“You want to play with your daddy and papa, silly boy?” Harry cooed, reaching his hand into the tub and tickling Louis’ bare belly, granting him a loud laugh. So, the bath didn’t go as planned. No angry eyes, no stern words. Onto the next.
Louis was laying down on the changing pad, sucking his fingers as he waited for his daddy and papa to come back in the room and put his diaper on. He didn’t know what it was about his fingers, but they felt so good in his mouth. For some reason, his daddy and papa didn’t like it when he sucked on his fingers, always putting a paci into his mouth instead.
“Here we are, let’s get you dressed,” Nick said in Louis’ favorite voice, the little having to work hard not to smile.
“Ah ah ah, let’s get those yucky fingers out of your mouth,” Harry said as he walked in, coming to sit by Louis’ head and gently pry his fingers out and put a pacifier in. Louis let out a whine, tears starting to fill his eyes.
“No!” Louis protested, his word muffled because of his hands.
“Come on, love, daddy has a paci right here,” Harry said, holding the pacifier over Louis’ eyes.
“No no no no,” Louis argued, drool escaping the side of his mouth. He kicked his foot out in anger, accidentally hitting his papa in between his legs. Nick let out a pained noise, getting off the bed to walk it off, leaving Louis’ diaper half taped up.
The little started crying in earnest at the thought of hurting his papa, it wasn’t even intentional, now they would definitely leave him.
Louis removed his fingers from his mouth, reaching his spit covered fingers out for the man who’d just walked out of the bedroom, not wanting to cuss in front of Louis at the pain he was in.
“Papa,” Louis bawled, wanting the man to come back and just hold him. He didn’t mean to hurt him! This wasn’t part of his plan; he didn’t mean to hurt the man.
Harry quickly finished taping the diaper before pulling Louis into his arms, wanting to comfort the little as best he could until Nick was ready to come back in the room. His heart was breaking at how distraught Louis looked.
“Papa, don’t leave,” Louis choked out through his tears. He knew the man was going to leave, he was so upset over how his mother hurt him and now here he was kicking his papa. He was no better than her.
Nick’s inner monologue of fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck was abruptly ended at Louis’ words, the only thing now on his mind was reassuring the little boy that he wasn’t going to leave. If anyone else had kicked him like that he would’ve killed them, but this was Louis, his sweet little boy.
“Darling, I’m not leaving, it’s okay,” Nick cooed, quickly walking back into the room. Nick felt awful as he sat down next to Harry, scooping Louis off of his boyfriend’s lap and placing him onto his own. Louis quickly turned his head, wrapping his arms around the man and choking out apologies. Nick couldn’t reassure him enough that he wasn’t mad, thinking to himself that he honestly couldn’t feel pain anymore as soon as the boy started crying.
Louis held his papa tight while he cried, not wanting the man to leave him. Not like this. He couldn’t help but be emotional when he thought about it, he didn’t want to hurt someone he loved this much, not the way that his mum hurt him.
Nick cradled Louis closely in his lap, pressing kisses into the boy’s hair while he cried. He shared a concerned look with Harry, both men unsure of why this had Louis so upset. It was an obvious accident, so Louis’ reaction was a bit worrisome. Nick put it off as the emotions of the grownup conversation he had with both him and Harry before his nap, and knew that the little boy was just a bit overwhelmed.
Louis’ crying stopped eventually, the boy suddenly stiffening in Nick’s lap and crawling out of it. He spent the few hours before they had to leave curled up alone on the bed, eyes glued to the television. He didn’t want his daddies to be around him, he was feeling upset and annoyed. He just wanted to be home in London. He missed his crib and his nana, his highchair, his craft time. He missed everything. He missed just having quiet time with his daddies; it was always so loud on tour. It was too much for him.
Harry couldn’t think of anything he wanted to do less than tell Louis it was time to head to Soldier Field, but he had to.
He walked into the bedroom, sitting on the bed next to where Louis was curled up with Dusty and Lacy.
“Loulou, it’s time to go to the stadium, baby. Can you get up for daddy?” Harry asked hesitantly, feeling a bit anxious at the way Louis’ face quickly crumpled. Louis pulled himself together quickly, nodding silently. Harry didn’t know whether or not that was a good thing or a bad thing. All he knew was that there was inevitable breakdown coming, and he wasn’t ready for it. He selfishly hoped that Nick would be there when it happened, not wanting to have to tackle it himself. The throwing off of Louis’ routine that was caused by tour was seemingly too much for the boy. It was the exact reason that Victoria Beckham quit touring with the Spice Girls, and she was a ten-year-old little, way older than Louis. Their minds couldn’t bear it, even though they tried to. His fingers were crossed that Louis could make it through the next 12 shows.
Louis was silent on the way to the stadium, hands mindlessly stroking the soft fur of his two stuffed friends. Alberto pulled the car inside the stadium’s underground tunnel, heeding Harry’s plea for the boy to be able to be without fan interaction. Once in their private dressing room, Louis gave in, lying on top of his papa on the leather couch. The older man couldn’t help but smile at the action, wrapping his arms around the little.
All Louis wanted was for the bad thoughts in his head to go away, but that would require a conversation where his daddies would just lie to him like they had been for a while now. They always told him that they wouldn’t leave him, but why would they say anything different? They’re too nice for that, they’ll probably wait until the last show and then tell him to leave their house. That sounded about right. He didn’t want to wait for that, though. He’d provide a catalyst, speed up the process. If his heart was going to be broken, he would do it on his terms. It’s not that he wanted to leave his daddies, he honestly couldn’t think of anything that would hurt worse. It’s just… they wouldn’t want him for that long, no one did. Everyone who told him they wouldn’t leave him did. His mum, his sisters, the only people he ever had. Gone. Louis couldn’t help the quiet tears that soaked Nick’s shirt where his face was pressed into it, it was like he couldn’t stop crying.
Once he felt the tears, Nick started to hum softly, patting the little boy’s boy in a soothing, rhythmic manner. The little boy was clearly going through a rough patch with the tour, and Nick couldn’t be happier to have joined them on tour. He wanted to be there through all of the pivotal moments in Louis’ life, whether they’re happy, sad, angry, anxious, or devastating. That was his job as a papa.
The crowd was great that night, their screams and smiles made Louis almost forget his anxious thoughts and just live. Almost. The energy that an audience brought was infectious; if they were more hyped up than the boys were, then the boys knew that had to bring it to the next level. It was only fair for the fans who had waited so long to see them, they wanted the people in attendance to have the best memories possible.
During the encore, Louis was ridiculously thirsty, but he didn’t want water. Or maybe he did, but there was a possibility his daddy would be upset with him if he drank juice. So, obviously, he did. They were singing Best Song Ever, the last song of the encore, and Louis bent down to pick up some red powerade, wanting a sip before they headed down to the bstage to say their goodbyes. Alberto, from where he was standing on the floor of the stadium, quickly unscrewed the tight lid for him, handing up the bright red drink with a warning look that said “are you sure you should be drinking that?”. Louis carefully took a sip anyways, his wretched, defective hand shaking so much that he spilled the drink down his chin and on his shirt. In front of an American stadium full of 55,000 people. He hoped no one saw, a silly thought that was dashed when he saw Liam laughing hysterically a few feet from him. The dom looked at him, still laughing, and mimed to his chin and his shirt as if Louis didn’t know he just spilled a ridiculously colored drink down his face. It made Louis angry. Really, really angry. So he took what was left of the drink, and spilled it all over Liam before throwing the plastic bottle into the audience and following Niall down to the bstage.
If he were to look back, he would’ve seen Harry’s terribly concealed look of shock and disappointment, and Liam’s confused, upset face. Knowing they had to shake it off, Liam and Harry quickly walked down the catwalk, waving goodbye to fans as they went. Spying looks of concern on many fans’ faces, Liam thought quickly before grabbing another bottle of powerade, blue this time, and carrying it down the bstage. He crept up behind Louis who was waving goodbye to the fans and poured the sticky drink all over the little’s head.
Louis stood in shock for a moment; not quite realizing what the heck was being spilled on him before quickly swiveling around. Even in his state of dismay, he knew that the fans would freak out if they thought the boys were actually upset with each other. So he slowly bent down, grabbing an already open bottle of water, and poured it all over Liam before skipping off stage right next to Zayn.
As soon as he was off stage, he started breathing heavily, angrier than he’d been in years. He stood in the hallways that was empty except for Paddy and Leo who’d remained backstage for the show, Zayn already heading back to his dressing room to shower. They’d be showering at the venue before catching a plane to Toronto, the boys wanting to be comfortable for the flight.
When Liam came off stage, Louis gave him the meanest look he could muster up (which was equivalent to an adorable little kid trying to look upset, which… was essentially what he was).
“Why are you so mean to me? You hurt my feelings.” Louis said to Liam, arms crossed and a scowl on his face.
Liam looked hesitantly at the boy, wishing for Harry to hurry the hell up and get off stage. He knew what a pending temper tantrum looked like, and this was bound to be a nasty one.
“Lou, babe, I wasn’t trying to be mean to you. I just thought you looked cute and didn’t know if you knew you were spilling, it wasn’t a big deal,” Liam said with his hands up, trying to placate the boy.
Liam was thankful to see Harry walking off stage, breathing heavily. He had no idea what he was walking into.
“But you were mean to me! You didn’t make me feel good. I thought you were my friend,” Louis accused, his hurt showing more than his anger.
Harry walked up next to Liam as the dom began to speak.
“Like I said, Lou, I didn’t try to hurt your feelings. I’m really sorry that I did that, but that wasn’t my intention. Can you accept my apology?” Liam asked patiently, just wanting this to end. Sophia and Nick hurriedly walked up, having seen the whole thing from the floor they knew that it was bound to be an interesting conversation.
Louis couldn’t help it. He burst. “No! You’re a- you’re a stupid meanie! I hate you! Don’t talk to me ever again, we aren’t friends anymore,” Louis shouted, pushing Liam’s chest before stomping away.
Obviously, Liam wasn’t hurt by the shove physically, but emotionally? That really hurt.
“Let’s go get you showered, love,” Sophia said quietly, hooking her elbow with her dom’s.
Nick and Harry were still standing there, mouths parted in shock. They definitely did not expect that from their little boy.
“Well, the inevitable is here,” Harry said slowly, starting to walk back to his and Louis’ dressing room.
“Fuck,” Nick muttered, “I was hoping we’d never have to punish him. Don’t think I can do it, honestly.”
The men dreaded the conversation they had to have with their little boy, but hopefully it would help clear the thoughts that were so obviously dancing around in his head. Hopefully.