Chapter 9
Carli stayed with me after everyone left to help clean up. We were just finishing up when she finally broke the silence. “What did Kelley want to talk to you about.” I glance up at her from my place at the sink, doing dishes. “Nothing. She wants me to give her another chance.”
“And..?” She looks at me expectantly. I furrow my eye brows. “And what?” I hear her sigh. “Do you want to be with her?” I hesitate. “Do I want to be with her? Yes. Can I be with her? No.” I look at her, drying my hands. “Why not?” I sit on one of the stools near the island and sigh. “I want to trust her. I want to be able to be with her without feeling insecure. I just don’t think I can do that. I don’t think I’ll be able to trust enough to be with her again.” I try to explain.
She nods, understandingly. “How do you know though? You haven’t tried.” I shrug. “I just know how I am. I’ll get into the relationship with good intentions, then I won’t be able to trust her. It’ll be toxic.” She walks to the fridge to grab a bottled water. “I think you’re scared.” She says.
I furrow my eye brows. “What do you mean?” She sits down across from me. “I think you still have strong feelings for her, even after all this time. Even with everything she put you through, you still love her and that scares you. You want to give her another chance, but you’re afraid that you’ll get hurt again.” I shake my head. “I’m not.” I say, unconvincingly.
She looks at me with soft eyes. “Hope, it’s okay to be scared, you know? Kelley hurt you. I get it. But you need to make a decision. It’s either you let her go and wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of your life or you try again. You try again and trust that she won’t hurt you for a second time.” I look down. “I won’t be able to handle it if she hurt me again.”
She nods. “Yes, you will. Last time, you were alone. That’s my fault. This time, whether it works or not, I have your back. I’m here for you. So is Ali. But honestly? I don’t think that girl would ever even think about hurting you again.” I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Just think about it. But whatever you do, don’t torture yourself over it. If you don’t think you can have a happy, healthy relationship with her then don’t force yourself. If you do, then that’s great. Either way, I support you.” I give her a soft smile. “Thanks, Car.” She gives me a small smile and a nod in return.
I go to the game on Sunday to watch the girls beat France 2-0. Alex placed a hard shot just out of the keeper’s reach in the bottom right corner. Carli scored the other goal, heading in a perfect cross that Tobin sent her.
I don’t want to say goodbye to them yet. They’re idiots, all of them. But I’ve missed them. They’re taking a two-week long break before meeting again for another friendly in Florida. I stay back and wait for the girls to come out of the locker rooms. I talk to Ali for a while, filling her in on everything that happened with Kelley at the party.
She thinks I should go for it. It’s not as simple as she makes it out to be, though. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to put myself out there again only to be hurt for a second time. I say my goodbyes to Ali and Carli, knowing I’ll talk to them soon. Kelley doesn’t make an effort to speak to me. She gives me a drawn out glance and a short wave before walking up the stairs and onto the bus.
I say quick goodbyes to the rest of the girls as they leave. Syd promises revenge for the incident at the party. Not gonna happen. Pinoe won’t do anything either if she wants to survive this season with the Reign.
I drive home, thinking of everything that happened this weekend. I’m so glad that everything went well with the team. I was nervous. I thought it might be awkward since we hadn’t seen each other in so long, but honestly? It was the best day I’ve had in a long time.
I spend the next two weeks thinking about what I want to do. I’ve missed two calls from Kelley so far. She left me one voicemail, letting me know she broke up with her girlfriend. I can’t talk to her until I figure out what I’m doing. I talk to both Carli and Ali a few times. They try and give me advice, try and help me with my decision. Ultimately, I have to make the decision by myself. I can’t allow them to influence me one way or the other.
I think about what Carli said. I think about how I feel. I think about how hard this is going to be if I decide to allow her back into my life. She will have to earn my trust back. She probably won’t want to go through all that trouble anyway.
Carli was right. I do want to try again. I do want to be with her. I just can’t trust her. I can’t let her back in. She was the first person to ever break down my walls, but she was also the first person to break me. Do I think Kelley will hurt me again? No. But it’s complicated. I can’t trust her. Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
I go to my basement and pull out the bin. The bin that I put all of her stuff in. Our pictures, her slippers, the blanket that still smells like her. What’s left of our relationship is in that bin. I grab what I was looking for and get in my car, driving to a nearby lake. I sit on the bench and look at the small box in my hands. The box that haunted me for so long after Kelley hurt me.
I open it, looking at the ring inside. I’m going to make my decision before I leave here. I’m either going to keep it and give her a chance to prove herself to me or I’m throwing this ring as hard and as far as I can into this lake and walking away. I sigh to myself and watch as a man and woman walk hand in hand down the path along the lake.
I sit there for longer than I planned. I only notice it’s getting dark when I hear a dog’s bark in the distance, breaking my train of thought. It’s been a long road with Kelley. A long, painful road. I either have to move on and try to forget my feelings or I give in to them and swallow my pride. I look down at the ring in my hands. I shiver. The chill of the breeze coming off of the water, reminding me that the cold of night is soon to come.
I stand up and approach the lake, looking out into the water. Looking out at the skyline, the orange glow of the sunset. I look down at the ring. This is it. I’ve made my decision and I’m committing to it. This is the beginning of what’s going to be a tough road, but I’m ready to move forward. I’m finally ready to start the rest of my life.