Chapter 8
It’s been three years since that fateful night. Three years since I watched Carli Lloyd score a hat trick in the world cup final. Three years since she ran back to celebrate with me. Three years since we stood on the top of that podium as word champions.
I announced my retirement following the first victory tour game. The last game that I ever played for the national team was our second victory tour game against Costa Rica. That was also the last time I saw her. One final glance before I left the hotel to get on my flight back to Seattle and that was it. Other than a few quick glances when Sky Blue played Seattle, I haven’t seen her since.
After I got home I dated a couple women, but none of them stuck around. They were either too controlling or they couldn’t handle my baggage. I still talk to Ali all the time. She’s still on the team, trying to make it one more cycle before throwing in the towel. She and Ash have become two of my best friends. After Ash finally got the nerve to apologize, she slowly, but surely earned my trust back. She left the national team after she lead them to a gold medal in Rio.
Carli and I are almost back to how we used to be. She kept in touch after I left the team and she earned my trust back pretty quickly. She made a mistake, but I know she has my back now. I talk to her every couple days. She’s still very dedicated to the game of soccer and, like Ali, plans to stay on the team for at least one more cycle.
Kelley has been with her current girlfriend for six months, according to Carli. At first, it hurt to know that she had found someone, but then I realized that she’s doing exactly what I should be. Moving on.
The team has a friendly this Sunday in Seattle, which means I’m going to see a lot of my old teammates. I planned a barbeque at my house for the them on Friday.
Currently, I’m cleaning the house in preparation for the party, which is tomorrow afternoon. My hair is thrown in a messy bun and I have no makeup on, wearing sweats. I’m mopping the floors when I hear my doorbell sound. Weird. I wasn’t expecting anyone until morning. I look out the window to see Ash and Ali standing on my doorstep.
I crack open the door and peek through. “Prepare yourselves. I look like shit.” I open the door, slowly. “Shut up.” Ali says, pushing the door open and pulling me into a hug. “I missed you” She says. I smile. “Me too.” I pull away and hug Ash briefly. “Why are you here? I thought you were coming to help me set up in the morning?”
“We figured you could use the extra help. Plus, I wanted to see how you were doing. With Kelley coming tomorrow and everything.” I roll my eyes. “I’ll be fine. I mean, I don’t even have to talk to her.” I say, motioning for them to come sit in the living room. I sit on my recliner and they sit on the couch. “Her girlfriend is nice.” Her girlfriend. “Is she?” Ash nods. “Kelley doesn’t love her though.” I furrow my eye brows. “I thought they were inseparable?”
“No. Well, I mean she follows Kelley everywhere. She’s like her shadow. But I know Kelley. She doesn’t love her. She doesn’t look at her like she looked at you.” Ash says, looking at me. I shrug. “That’s too bad.” I say, casually.
Ali rolls her eyes. “Listen, Solo. All three of us know you still have feelings for her.” I shake my head. “I don’t. Even if I did, it doesn’t matter.” I still don’t trust her. “Why?” Ali looks at me, expectantly. “Do you just expect me to forget what happened? Just snap my fingers and trust her again? She broke my heart once. I can’t let it happen again. I couldn’t handle it if it happened again.” I stand up and walk to the kitchen, bringing back three waters.
“You’re both older now. In different places than you were. You really don’t think you could make it work?” I hesitate before shrugging. “I’m sure if we really wanted to we could make it work. But I don’t think that’s what I want.” Ash shrugs. “How many dates have you been on since Kelley?” I roll my eyes and shake my head. “What does that have to do with anything?” She shoots me a light glare. “Fine. Three, okay? Three dates.”
Ali looks surprised. “Seriously? You’re off your game.” I roll my eyes. “You’ve never thought that maybe it’s because you still aren’t over her?” Ash asks. I shake my head. “No.” I’m done with this conversation. They aren’t my matchmakers. Especially when they’re trying to match me with my cheating ex-girlfriend.
I stand up. “Come set up these tables while I finish mopping?” We might as well start setting up now considering they’re here. We set up tables and chairs, along with the fire pit. We make small talk, but neither of them says anything else about Kelley. Once we were finished I thanked them for helping before they left to go back to the team hotel for the night.
Sometimes I miss it. Being with the team, playing under the pressure of a big game. I still play for Seattle, but it doesn’t compare to the intensity of international tournament play. Regardless, retiring when I did was what was best for me. I’ve grown as a person and I’ve finally put everything that happened with the team, with Kelley, behind me.
I wake up early on Friday morning and go for my daily run. When I get back, I shower and make myself coffee. Ali, Ashlyn, and Carli should be here soon to help set up the food and fill the coolers. I take a deep breath and mentally prepare myself for the day ahead.
I put on some music and start skimming the pool of the fallen leaves that are floating in it. “Hope?” I snap my head up to see my three friends walking outside. “How’d you get in?” I ask, skeptically. I know I locked the door last night. “Leaving your key under the mat isn’t really the best way to keep out criminals.” I roll my eyes.
“Hey, Car.” I say as she gets closer. I give her a quick hug. “What do you need us to do?” I lead them into the kitchen and have Ash and Ali start setting up a cheese and cracker tray. “Will you put the drinks in the cooler with ice?” Carli nods.
I’m back to cleaning the pool when Carli comes out and sits on a patio chair. “You excited to see everyone?” I glance at her and nod. “Yea, should be fun. Will you put wood in the fire pit?” She rolls her eyes, but does as I asked her to.
“Kelley bringing her girlfriend?” I look at her. She shakes her head. “No. That’d make things way too awkward.” I nod. “Good. I mean I’m over her, but I still don’t need to see her with someone else.” She looks at me skeptically, but doesn’t say anything about it. “Everyone should be here soon. Probably within like 20 minutes. Alex texted me.” I nod at her in response.
It’s a gorgeous outside. 85 degrees and sunny. The perfect pool day. I’m in the kitchen, grabbing more drinks for some of the girls when she walks in. I glance up at her but don’t say anything. We haven’t talked since she’s gotten here. I’ll admit that I’ve been avoiding her. I haven’t talked to her in 3 years. I don’t know what to say.
“Hey.” She says quietly, leaning on the island. I look at her briefly. “Hey, Kell.” I use the nickname out of habit. I start to pour the drinks, busying myself. Hoping she’ll get the point. I don’t want to talk. If we talk, the feelings I still have for her will become stronger. I can’t.
“How have you been?” I internally groan. She isn’t going to make this easy. “Good. Really good. You?” I lie. My life has become an ongoing cycle. I do the same things every day. “I’ve been really great.” She says, softly. I nod in response.
“I hear you have a girlfriend? That’s great, Kelley.” I get it out of the way. She nods, slowly. “I do. She’s nice.” I smile. “Nice? That’s all you have to say?” I push, seeing if she’ll give me more information about her. “Yes. She’s nice. I mean we haven’t been together for very long.” I furrow my eye brows. “I thought you’ve been with her for like 6 months?”
She shakes her head, quickly. “No, no, no. I mean, we were friends for a while but we’ve only been official for like a month and a half.” I raise my eye brows and start picking up the drinks to bring outside. “Well as long as you’re happy.” I say as I walk past her.
I have a lot more fun than I thought I would. There’s no awkwardness, just laughter and Pinoe’s stupid jokes. The sun is beginning to set and I’m sitting near the fire laughing at Moe, who had just fallen backwards in her chair when Kelley comes over. She grabs my arm, softly. “Can we talk?” She’s nervous. I can hear it in her voice.
I hesitate, but nod and follow her. Ali gives me a smirk as I walk past, I glare at her in return. She leads me into the living room, sitting down on the couch. I look at her skeptically, but sit down on the chair. She wipes her face and takes a breath. “I miss you.” She blurts. I tilt my head, questioningly. What does she mean by that?
“I miss you too. I’ve missed everyone. I’m glad you guys came.” She looks at me and shakes her head. “No. I mean I miss you.” She emphasizes. I raise my eye brows, but don’t respond. “I know. I know you probably still hate me. You probably don’t trust me. But I know what I lost. I didn’t appreciate you when I had you. Now I know what I lost.” I look down.
“Kell, you have a girlfriend.” I say, lamely. She nods. “Yes, but I can’t see myself falling in love with her. She doesn’t make my knees weak with just one glance. You do. I don’t think about her when I’m lying in bed at night. I think about you. I don’t love her. I love y-“ I cut her off. “Stop. Just stop. Did you think you could just come here and make this speech and I’d fall back into your arms just because a little bit of time has passed?” I say, exasperatedly, shaking my head. She looks away.
“You don’t think I still love you? I do. I fucking love you. But I can’t be with you. I can’t do it to myself. I can’t put myself in a position to be hurt again.” She takes a deep breath. “Hope, this is going to sound stupid, I know. But I know for a fact that I would never, ever hurt you again.” I roll my eyes.
“You don’t know anything, Kelley. You say that now, sure. But what happens when you’re at a bar with your friends and some girl comes and flirts with you? Are you gonna take her home? You gonna fuck her?” I’m angry and she knows it. She shakes her head, calmly. “No. No I wouldn’t. I get it, Hope. I do. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried.” I stand up and start walking away. “I’m breaking up with her. Once I get back to New Jersey I’m ending it. It’s not fair for me to string her along when I know I don’t have feelings for her.” I turn to look at her. “Okay?” I look at her expectantly. “I just want you to know.” I shrug and look at her for a second before walking away.
I’m seething at this point. Did she think she was going to come in here and have me in the palm of her hand, ready to be with her again? Does she expect me to forget everything that happened? All the pain? She fucked me up. I thought I had trust issues before? No. Now I have trust issues. Now I know what it feels like to think there’s no one in the world who wants me and only me. I’m not good enough. I roll my eyes at myself. I know I’m being overdramatic.
I walk back out to the fire and sit down. Carli gives me a look. I shake my head at her. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to forget about Kelley and have fun with my friends. My teammates? My former teammates? I look around at everyone. They’re laughing, talking to each other. I see Pinoe walk over and stop front of me. She looks behind me, giving someone a nod. She grabs the front of my chair and before I can register what’s happening, my whole chair is being lifted off the ground. I’m screaming, struggling to get down. Pinoe blocks me in. Next thing I know, I’m in the pool, fully clothed, glaring at the culprits. Pinoe and Syd.
Friends. They’re my friends. My annoying, obnoxious friends. “You’re fucking done.” I say to them, calmly before making my way out of the pool and chasing them. Carli catches Syd and throws her in the pool while I corner Megan and pick her up, easily throwing her in. Carli fist bumps me. “Fucking Harli.” Syd says, making her way out of the pool. I smirk. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed them.