Just let it be
“Well that’s not fair,” Clarke blurted out, hand still on the handle, holding the door open.
Lexa, who to Clarke’s knowledge did not wear glasses, was currently standing in front of Clarke, hair down, soccer shorts and shirt on, and green eyes peering through glasses to meet Clarke’s gaze.
“What’s not fair?” Lexa asked, clearing her throat.
“You wear glasses?” Clarke blurted out. She felt her face heat up, and she shook her head slightly—now was not the time to swoon over how cute her girlfriend is. They were supposed to be having a serious talk about their future. “I mean, never mind,” she continued. She stepped to the side, gesturing for Lexa to come into the room.
“Oh, yeah,” Lexa answered, taking a seat on the bed. “I umm…sort of dropped my contacts in the sink after my shower and it went down the drain. I didn’t want to keep you waiting while I searched through my stuff for another pair so…I just threw my glasses on.” She fiddled with the frame, readjusting the glasses on her face. “I don’t normally wear them.”
Clarke blinked, staring at her girlfriend.
“Are you kidding me?” Clarke asked abruptly, cursing the effect Lexa had on her. It seemed she was in the habit of simply blurting out whatever was on her mind when it came to her girlfriend. “How are you so freaking cute all the time?”
She watched as Lexa’s mouth gaped open, and Clarke could tell she was flustered. Chuckling slightly to herself, she plopped down on the bed next to her girlfriend.
“I don’t…I mean…” Lexa stammered. “Are we—aren’t we fighting?” she asked, scratching her head.
Clarke sighed, turning to look at her girlfriend. “You’re still cute,” she grumbled. “I can still like you even though we’re fighting.”
Lexa nodded her head slowly, as if just realizing that was a possibility. “Right, ok,” she said. “Ok.”
The two sat in silence for a few seconds, before Clarke felt Lexa’s hand cover her own.
“Clarke…I’m sorry for walking away,” Lexa said solemnly. “That was a shitty thing to do.”
“A little bit,” Clarke responded, sitting up straighter. “But I get it. The bus was leaving, duty calls.”
“It was still shitty,” Lexa replied. “And I…I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
Clarke shook her head, lacing their fingers together. “I shouldn’t have snapped back,” she said. “And…I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to keep the job offer from you. I guess I just thought it was irrelevant because I was never going to take it.” She waved her free hand in the air, gesturing towards the two of them. “I guess I’m not as great at this whole relationship thing as I thought I was.”
“No, that’s not—Clarke,” Lexa cut in, giving her girlfriend’s hand a squeeze. “What you said…about having a dream before you met me. Wanting to be a surgeon. You were right,” she said. “I don’t have a right to be mad about it, either. And I’m not,” she quickly added. “I’m not upset you’re following your dream—of course I’m not. I just…I got scared.”
Clarke put a finger under Lexa’s chin, turning her girlfriend’s head until the soccer player was looking at her. “Lexa, talk to me,” she said quietly, giving her girlfriend a soft smile.
The soccer player was silent for a beat, gathering her feelings. She wasn’t used to being vulnerable—to having these types of vulnerable conversations, and pouring her heart out to someone else.
But this was Clarke.
And if she wanted to reach that future she dreamed her and Clarke could have—well, it was time for her to start talking.
“I got scared when you said you turned down the job,” Lexa replied, quietly. “It’s…I mean, I know realistically we’re going to have to deal with a long-distance relationship. And I thought I wasn’t scared but…when I heard you had turned down the position, I felt like you were turning down a chance for us to be there, together.”
“That’s not—” Clarke cut in, but stopped abruptly when Lexa shook her head.
“No, I know. Clarke, I know,” Lexa said. “I know that’s not what you meant. But all of a sudden I was remembering the last time I had a long distance relationship…and how it fell apart.”
Lexa closed her eyes, remembering the heartbreak. And it was, at the time—it was heartbreaking. Lexa was just a sophomore in college when Costia had broken up with her. She had been 19-years-old, on the cusp of figuring out who she was and who she wanted to be. She had been staring to plan for the future—and Costia had been in it.
Until the heartbreak.
Costia’s words echoed in Lexa’s head.
I’m sorry, Lexa. I’m…exhausted. I’m so tired of trying to make it work. To make us work. It’s just not worth it.
Lexa closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “And I can remember how it felt…Clarke, I was devastated. And when you turned down that job, all of a sudden I was back in that place, when she said that it was too much…that it wasn’t worth it.” Clarke felt her heart drop to her stomach at the broken look on her girlfriend’s face as Lexa’s voice wavered. “That I wasn’t worth it.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Clarke said softly, pulling Lexa into a hug. She felt the other girl burrow her head into Clarke’s neck, and the doctor brought her hand up to tangle in her girlfriend’s hair.
Now Lexa’s sudden reaction made much more sense to Clarke.
But Clarke also felt she was just as much to blame as Lexa for their fight.
They were equals in this relationship—they were their own people, yes. But they were also part of a unit—they were partners—and partners talk to one another.
“Lexa, this isn’t all on you,” Clarke said. “It takes two to argue. We both could have done things differently. But I want you to know something.” She pulled away, placing one hand on Lexa’s thigh and the other on the side of the soccer player’s face, gently brushing her girlfriend’s cheek with her thumb. “You’re worth it, babe.”
Lexa opened her mouth to respond, but paused when Clarke shook her head gently. “Lexa, I’m not going to lie to you. It’s going to be a little bit tough,” she said, dropping her hand and grabbing Lexa’s. “I’m heading back to DC at the end of the month, and you’re going to Kansas City. And you’ve got friendlies from now until the Olympics…and then you actually go to the Olympics. Not to mention the camps you’re gonna be gone for in between. And even after that you’ll have all the media obligations, and you’ll be back in KC for the rest of the regular season…”
“Not really making me feel a lot better, Clarke,” Lexa cut in, and Clarke smiled at the small smirk the soccer player had on her face.
“Hush,” Clarke said, nudging Lexa’s shoulder with her own. “Let me finish.”
Lexa nodded, adopting a serious expression but couldn’t help the tug at the corner of her lips. Clarke simply shook her head, but leaned in and gave Lexa a quick kiss on the cheek.
“You’re going to be busy,” Clarke continued. “And I’m going to be busy, too. I’m finishing my final year of residency and taking my boards soon, and then I’ll have to wait and see what my post-residency plans are going to be based on which hospitals offer me a position.”
“Sounds like we’re just going to be a whole lot of busy…” Lexa murmured, serious once more as she thought about how feasible a long-distance relationship between a professional international soccer player and a surgeon was.
“But Lexa, I so want to try,” Clarke said. Lexa’s head shot up, green connecting with blue as Clarke continued. “Because I’m falling for you. I am absolutely falling for you.” She chuckled lightly, shaking her head. “I think I was already falling for you the moment you high fived my handshake.”
“It was an honest mistake,” Lexa grumbled, smiling when Clarke laughed again. “I’m falling for you too, Clarke,” she said softly, once her girlfriend’s laughter died down. “ I want to try too. Because I am in this, Clarke,” she said, giving the other girl’s hand a squeeze. “I am all in.”
“Good,” Clarke replied, leaning closer until she captured Lexa’s lips with her own. The kiss was soft and gentle, reminiscent of the first one they had shared on the beach what seemed like ages ago but in reality had only happened a few months prior.
Lexa broke apart gently, leaning her forehead against Clarke’s.
“What are we going to do about this long-distance thing?” Lexa asked softly, eyes still closed as she felt Clarke’s breath on her, lips only inches away.
Clarke sighed, opening her eyes and leaning back to look at her girlfriend. “I think we just…be,” Clarke said. “Does that make sense? Maybe it’s not so much as solving the long distance thing, but more like living with it.” She leaned forward and nudged Lexa’s nose with her own before speaking again. “I don’t have any specific answers for this, Lexa. I think we just work at it, and do what we can. We’ll make it work,” she said, nodding her head decisively. The conviction in Clarke’s voice made Lexa smile as her girlfriend continued. “But I don’t think there’s necessarily finding a solution to the long-distance thing. It’s just something we do…just let it be.”
Lexa thought about what Clarke just said, and realized the truth in her girlfriend’s words.
Long-distance was something that they were going to have to live with.
There wasn’t any solution because that would imply that it was a problem—and it wasn’t, it was just the reality of the situation. And if Lexa had to make phone calls, or send text messages, or spend more time on social media than normal—whatever it took to stay in communication with Clarke as much as she could—then she would do it.
“This relationship is worth the effort, Lexa,” Clarke said. “You’re worth it. And I will tell you that everyday until you believe it too.”
Lexa smiled softly, before letting go of Clarke’s hand and scooting back until she was resting against the headboard of the bed. She patted the spot in between her legs, grinning when her girlfriend scooted back as well. Clarke leaned back against Lexa’s chest, the soccer player’s arms coming up to wrap around Clarke’s waist.
“So we’re going to do this, then?” Lexa asked softly, resting her chin on Clarke’s shoulder, her lips brushing against her girlfriend’s ear.
“We’re going to do this,” Clarke said, smiling. She turned to rest her forehead against the side of Lexa’s head. “Say geronimo, babe,” she said softly.
Lexa, despite not being completely sure what Clarke meant by that, somehow knew it was more than just words—that it held a deeper meaning.
She turned her head to meet Clarke’s lips with her own, and couldn’t help but grin as she felt Clarke smile into the kiss. They broke apart with a chuckle, and Lexa nuzzled her face into Clarke’s neck, dropping a kiss onto the flesh there. She kissed up Clarke’s neck and along her jaw, before placing a kiss on the corner of Clarke’s lips.
“Geronimo,” Lexa said softly, before connecting their lips again.
She brought her hand up, cupping Clarke’s cheek as her girlfriend opened her mouth slightly, deepening the kiss. Lexa felt Clarke turn her body until she was facing the soccer player, the doctor straddling her legs. Clarke’s fingers threaded through Lexa’s hair, attempting to pull the other girl closer. Lexa moved her hands from Clarke’s waist to her back, her hands finding their way under the other girl’s shirt. Lexa was just about to move her hands lower when Clarke pulled back slightly to switch sides, her nose suddenly bumping Lexa’s glasses, causing the other girl to pull back fully, chuckling.
“Claaarke,” Lexa whined, bringing her hand up to readjust her glasses as her girlfriend laughed. “Don’t laugh at me,” she pouted. “I’m trying to get our first make up sex on.”
“I’m sorry,” Clarke laughed. “You’re so cute. It’s adorable.”
Lexa wiggled her eyebrows, wrapping her arms tighter around the girl in her lap and pulling her closer. “I’ll show you adorable,” she growled, grinning as Clarke let out a shriek when Lexa flipped them, now hovering over the other girl.
Clarke’s laughter was abruptly cut off.
Make up sex, indeed.
* *
“Why are you wearing a neck warmer?”
“What? Why not? I’m cold. Why? What’s with the inquisition, sheesh,” Lexa rambled, pulling on her neck warmer and clearing her throat.
Anya eyed her cousin, dropping her bag onto the seat next to Lexa. The tournament was officially over and everyone was going their separate ways, and Lexa and Anya were currently waiting at the gate, both headed back to Seattle to pack up their stuff before going to Kansas City and Portland, respectively.
Anya continued to stare before her hand shot out and yanked the neck warmer down, bursting into laughter when she saw why her cousin was wearing the article of clothing in an airport.
“More hickeys?” Anya asked through her laughter. “What are you guys, teenagers?”
“Shut up,” Lexa hissed, pulled her neck warmer back up. “It’s not my fault. Clarke is the one who did it,” she grumbled, crossing her arms.
Anya opened her mouth to respond but was cut off by the arrival of Octavia, Raven and Clarke, arms laden with snacks and drinks. The three were going back to Seattle too, spending a last few days at home before going back to DC so Octavia could start preseason training with the Spirit and Clarke could check back in with the hospital before she started there again at the end of the month.
Octavia and Raven plopped down on the seats across from the two cousins while Clarke sat down next to Lexa, handing her a bag of Doritos.
“Here ya go, babe,” Clarke said happily. “What?” she asked, registering Lexa’s glare and Anya’s smirk.
“The hickeys, Clarke,” Lexa whispered, scowling. “The reason why I’m wearing this dumb neck warmer and sweating while sitting in an airport is because of you.”
Clarke snorted, covering her mouth as she tried to hold back her laughter.
It didn’t work.
“I’m sorry, babe,” Clarke said, chuckling and lacing their fingers together. “I’ll make it up to you later. Promise.”
“Isn’t that what led to the hickeys in the first place?” Raven piped up from across the aisle, shoving skittles into her mouth.
Anya and Octavia just laughed, while Clarke tried not to as Lexa scowled at her friends.
“You guys suck,” Lexa said, glaring at them.
“Well we know Clarke certainly does,” Octavia quipped, starting another round of laughter from her, Anya and Raven.
“Don’t listen to them, babe,” Clarke said, waving their connected hands together in the air as Lexa’s cheeks turned red. “Aww. You’re blushing. Like I said,” Clarke whispered, leaning closer to Lexa. “So cute.”
“Is it your mission in life to embarrass me?” Lexa grumbled, crossing her arms. Though she was struggling to keep a smile off of her face as she felt Clarke place a kiss on her cheek.
Her phone buzzed, and she took it out of her pocket. Seeing the new notification from Octavia’s instagram handle, she tapped on the app and saw a picture of her and Clarke, Lexa smiling at the other girl as their connected hands waved in the air as Clarke gestured while she was talking.
“Dammit, O,” she sighed, reading the caption. “Again with the Commander Heart Eyes thing?”
Octavia just smirked, shrugging as Anya and Raven continued to laugh.
Sighing, Lexa just put her phone back into her pocket (after she liked the picture, of course) before turning her attention back to her girlfriend. Clarke smiled at her, lifting the soccer players’ arm and snuggling up under it.
Octavia Blake: Heading home with my crew! Spotted: Griff and Commander Heart Eyes cuddling up to each other. WE GET IT, YOU’RE CUTE. #lovebirds #clexa #itsathing #ravenmademeusethathashtag #itsnotactuallyathing
* *
“I’m home! You can all stop moping around now!” Raven yelled, swinging the door open.
“Raven, stop yelling,” Clarke grumbled, pushing past her friend. “Nobody is even home.”
“Mom and Mama G are at work, dummy,” Octavia added, also stepping around Raven who was still standing in the doorway, her arms held up after her declaration.
“What’s the point of coming home if nobody is actually home?” Raven grumbled, dropping her bag next to the couch and following the other two into the kitchen.
“We’re having family dinner tonight,” Octavia pointed out. “Did you invite Lexa?” she asked Clarke, hopping onto the kitchen counter and swinging her legs back and forth. “Thanks,” she said, taking the offered cup of water Clarke had gotten her.
“She’s having dinner with her grandparents tonight,” Clarke answered, leaning against the island in the middle of the kitchen. “Since she’s leaving in a few days to head back to KC. I’ll see her tomorrow.”
“Is she leaving for KC the same time we’re leaving for DC?” Raven asked, taking Octavia’s offered hand and hopping up onto the counter next to the soccer player.
“The day before,” Clarke replied.
Raven nodded, the three of them silent for a beat, just relishing in the feeling of being at home. It was nice coming home after a long trip—Clarke always found she was a little more at ease, being in her childhood home. The place where she met Octavia and Raven, and gained a second family in the Blakes, and where she had met Kane for the first time who had managed to bring a different kind of happiness back into Abby’s life after her father’s passing.
It was true, what they said—there’s no place like home.
“So are you gonna visit her in KC?” Raven asked, breaking the silence.
“I want to,” Clarke said. “I’m planning on a trip next week, actually. The last week of the month. I want to visit before I start back up at the hospital and I won’t be able to leave again for awhile.”
“Maybe she could visit you?” Octavia suggested.
Clarke crossed her arms, nodding her head. “We discussed it,” she replied. “FCKC is on the schedule to play you guys in about a month. Hopefully I can get Wells to cover for me that night. We’re just going to play it by ear,” she continued. “I can’t make any definitive plans past the end of this month until I know my schedule better. And Lexa has her whole training schedule…but we’ll figure it out.”
“I’m sure you two will,” Octavia answered. “Lexa is great for you. You’ve been so happy, Clarke.”
“And less stressed,” Raven added. “Plus Lexa is a cool chick.”
Clarke grinned at her two friends, cooing. “Aww, is this your guys’ official seal of approval?” she teased. She walked closer, pulling them both into a hug. “You two are the best. I love you so much.”
“Love you too, Griff,” Octavia’s muffled voice said.
“I can’t breath,” Raven said, head buried in Clarke’s shoulder.
Clarke just squeezed her friends tighter, laughing as the two pretending to groan and shirk away from the doctor.
“Griff, you’re smothering us with all this love!”
“Seriously, can’t breath!”
* *
“Hello Clarke,” Indra said solemnly, nodding at the girl.
“Hi Indra,” Clarke greeted, smiling as Indra offered her arm to her. She took it, grasping the other lady’s forearm. “How are you?”
“Good,” Indra answered, ushering Clarke inside. “I signed up for karate classes and already earned my green belt.”
“That’s great!” Clarke said, smiling at the stoic old lady.
Indra nodded, face remaining impassive. “I will demonstrate for you after dinner,” she said. “You will stay for dinner tonight.”
Clarke just grinned, nodding her head. “Yes ma’am,” she said.
Indra gave her one more nod before gesturing down the hall. “Alexandria is in her room packing,” she said. “You can go and see her.”
“Thanks Indra,” Clarke said, waving at the older woman before making her way to her girlfriend’s room.
Clarke made her way down the hall, pushing open Lexa’s door and smiling at the sight. Her girlfriend was lying on the bed, passed out with clothes around her. It was clear she had, in fact, started to pack but seemed to fall asleep halfway through it, if the folded clothes on one side of Lexa and the unfolded clothes on the other side was any indication.
Moving as quietly as she could, Clarke went about folding the rest of Lexa’s clothes, placing them in her girlfriend’s suitcase that was on the floor. She hummed lightly to herself as she worked until she was done, before sitting down softly on Lexa’s bed next to the other girl.
She stared at her girlfriend, who had a slight smile on her face as she slept. Clarke swept a piece of hair away from Lexa’s face before lying down next to the soccer player, smiling as Lexa’s arms immediately sought her out, even in sleep. Clarke placed a soft kiss on Lexa’s cheek, before moving closer to the other girl’s mouth, dropping kisses along the way. She felt Lexa smile against her mouth, and giggled as the arms around her tightened before letting out a yelp as she was suddenly on her back, Lexa hovering over her, green eyes staring into blue.
“Well, this seems familiar,” Clarke mused, rubbing her hands up Lexa’s arms.
“Hi,” Lexa said, smiling.
She dipped her head, connecting their lips.
“Hi,” Clarke said back as Lexa pulled away.
Lexa grinned at her girlfriend before dropping a few more kisses on Clarke’s mouth before sitting up, straddling Clarke’s legs. She looked around the room, spotting her full suitcase.
“You packed for me?” Lexa asked, raising an eyebrow at Clarke. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Clarke hummed, smiling up at her girlfriend.
“You trying to get rid of me faster or something?” Lexa teased, leaning down again.
Clarke shook her head, grinning before pulling Lexa all the way back down.
“Stay here with me forever,” Clarke said exaggeratedly, putting a pout on her face.
Lexa let out a chuckle before it was swallowed as Clarke connected their lips once more.
“Ok,” Lexa mumbled against Clarke’s mouth, nodding her head slightly before losing herself in her girlfriend.