It's Easier Than You're Making It
Clarke woke curled around a tense, fidgety body. Before she opened her eyes, she thought Lexa was having a nightmare because it had been days since she felt Lexa this stressed and uncomfortable around her. But, once she did open her eyes, she saw Lexa’s profile. Her mouth was pinched in a tight line and her eyes were wide and staring worriedly up at the ceiling. Clarke knew that a bad dream wasn’t the problem. Slowly, Clarke reached out her arm to drape across Lexa’s chest so that her hand could run along the far side of her jaw and pull her face to her. “What’s wrong?” she whispered to her.
Lexa startled slightly at the touch, having been so caught up in her concerns she hadn’t noticed Clarke stirring, but once she felt the touch she allowed herself to be pulled to face the Omega without struggle. Once facing the other girl, she could only meet those blue eyes fleetingly, for a few seconds each time, because she was too afraid to stare into them long enough to read the emotions hidden behind them, just in case those emotions were no longer of love or desire. When Clarke spoke, Lexa closed her eyes for a second, reveling in the tone of soft concern, before shaking her head slightly and asking a question of her own, “How do you feel, Clarke? Is the heat over?”
Clarke didn’t say anything for several seconds. She just scanned Lexa’s face and took in the hesitant glances the Alpha was giving her while she tried to understand what Lexa wasn’t telling her. Eventually, she said, “No more heat symptoms. I finally feel like myself. Much less out of control.”
Lexa tried to keep an impassive face, but couldn’t quite hide her flinch at the thought of Clarke not having felt like herself over the past few days. If Clarke hadn’t felt like herself, then it was very possible she hadn’t meant any of the things she had said to Lexa in that time. And that realization cut through her like the strike of a mostly dull sword – forcefully ripping through each layer of defense her heart could muster until all that was left was an intense pain and bloody trail.
Clarke noticed the flinch and frowned. She ran her last few sentences over in her head a few times trying to figure out what would have upset Lexa and why she was still avoiding her eyes or answering her question. After a few minutes, it dawned on her. Lexa actually thought Clarke was going to change her mind now that her heat was over. Clarke’s face darkened and she sat up abruptly.
Lexa watched as Clarke studied her. The blonde was clearly deep in thought and Lexa assumed that Clarke was analyzing what had happened during her heat.
So she waited.
And waited.
And several agonizing minutes of not being able to read her face later, Lexa’s heart collapsed in on itself as she watched Clarke’s face darken just before the Omega sat up on the bed as fast as she could, forcefully wrenching herself out of any physical contact with Lexa.
Lexa swallowed painfully. It felt as if the smoldering ashes of her own heart were stuck in her chest and throat, burning her alive from the inside out.
Clarke did not want her now, Lexa realized. Clarke didn’t even want to touch her now, Lexa’s mind specified. She is going to tell her that it was all a mistake and leave and never come back, her mind repeated. You’ve lost another mate, became a chant in time with the loud, thudding, remembered echoes of the beat of her no longer working heart.
Lexa did not even bother sitting up next to Clarke. She remained laying on her back, deciding that it would be easier to take whatever Clarke was going to say to let her down, while lying down. She didn’t think she really had the strength to sit up anyway. It was taking everything she had to keep her face passive and she was pretty sure she was even failing at that.
Angrily, Clarke turned to face the Alpha, only to be surprised to see nothing but empty air beside her. Shifting her body, she looked down to the brown haired girl with what she had intended to be a scolding glare, but softened immediately when she saw the vulnerable, only-holding-it-together-with-spit-and-a-roll-of-tape look on the generally strong and stoic commander’s face.
Lexa saw the change on Clarke’s face and cursed her own weakness. She had known that she wasn’t doing a very good job hiding her current emotional state, but now Clarke had obviously noticed and would think even less of her and only remember this side of her and Lexa wasn’t sure if she was going to survive this day. The Alpha was just beginning to plan in her mind how she would manage to accept Clarke’s rejection and pity with any form of grace when the other girl moved again, but it wasn’t away from her this time.
Lexa was completely taken off guard when Clarke immediately laid back down, draping her entire body across Lexa’s and pressing herself against Lexa’s rigid form until every curve, dip, and line on the two forms fir together like a puzzle.
The Omega leaned her head down until their faces were only an inch or so away from each other and then she cupped Lexa’s face between her palms. When Lexa’s slightly teary green eyes met blue, Clarke crossed the remaining space and started placing small, chaste, comforting, loving kisses on Lexa’s lips over and over again, whispering a word between each kiss, “It’s. okay. ai. hodnes. I’m here. I’m here. I’m. not. leaving. never. leaving. I love you. I love you.”
By the end, Clarke’s words had become breathless and teary with her passion, almost making it impossible to hear and understand them, but Lexa heard her. And she understood what they meant. But she didn’t believe it. She cursed her own weakness again as her head told her that Clarke must be telling her this to prevent hurting her more. She had seen the weakness it caused in Lexa and didn’t want to be the cause. Clarke was the selfless type, it was possible that she would be willing to sacrifice her own desires to spare someone pain. Especially if it were someone she needed to keep her people safe, as she needed Lexa.
That thought began to spiral into its own scenario. Clarke might even still be afraid of what she thinks Lexa might do based on her previous bad experiences with Alphas. She might fear for her own physical safety or for that of her people, worried that Lexa would be vengeful after suffering such heartbreak at the hands of the Omega leader.
Lexa felt as if all of the blood had drained out of her body. It would make sense that Clarke would feel this way. Lexa had betrayed her before. She had shown that she was cruel and willing to do whatever it takes to make something she wanted happen. And worst of all, over the past few days Lexa had shown Clarke that she was highly unstable when it came to matters of the heart. As she remembered the incident with the Alpha warrior who had entered the tent that first morning, as well as the way she had almost ripped out her mother’s throat right in front of her, Lexa convinced herself more and more that she would be an idiot to believe that Clarke’s current declarations were real.
The thought of allowing Clarke to do something she didn’t want to do, especially mate with someone as cold and heartless as herself when Clarke was so warm, full of love, and deserving of so much love, gave Lexa all of the strength she needed to do what was necessary. Slowly, she reached her arms up from where they had been resting by her sides and cradled Clarke’s head. She felt every strand of that soft, silky hair beneath her callused fingers, shuddered at the brush of skin on skin as her hard palm curved over a delicate cheekbone, and relished the last brush of Clarke’s lips against her own – the Omega had never ceased giving her those small kisses – before Lexa pulled the girl’s head back slightly so that they had enough distance between them that she could see into Clarke’s eyes and Clarke could no longer kiss her.
Clarke had thought her reassurances had been successful when Lexa’s fingers threaded themselves though her hair. She was preparing herself for the inevitable deepening of the kiss. She assumed that her Alpha would want to take advantage of the fact that Clarke had a completely clear head now. Clarke hoped that her Alpha would finally accept one of Clarke’s many attempts at seduction.
Although, now that she’s out of heat, she wasn’t quite sure she was really ready to have sex with Lexa, let alone mate with her. Sex with Finn had been different because he was a Beta and there was never much threat from him. Sex with Lexa would be a completely different level full of emotions and pheromones that sometimes trigger scary memories and reactions in Clarke. It would be a big, tricky step that she wasn’t quite prepared to take. But she would be willing to do anything to get that heartbroken look off of Lexa’s face.
However, when Lexa pulled her head backwards and Clarke caught sight of the Alpha’s steely, sad gaze, she knew she had failed. Before she could speak again and try a different approach, Lexa said, “It is okay, Klark.”
Despite the fact that Lexa was clearly doing everything in her power to appear strong, calm, and confident, the slip in her pronunciation was enough to tell Clarke just how emotional Lexa was. Like before when Lexa had been threatening her mother, it was as if Lexa was so emotional her brain was forgetting how to translate properly.
Her eyes searched Lexa’s frantically for any sign of what was going on inside the Alpha’s head as Lexa kept speaking, “You do not have to pretend. There is no need for your sacrifice. I will not be vengeful in my heartbreak. I will let you go and respect your decision without a fight. I swear it.”
Clarke furrowed her brows. What the hell was she talking about? She wasn’t pretending. There was no need for Lexa to be heartbroken. Clarke wasn’t going anywhere ever again. Why the hell couldn’t Lexa get it through her thick Alpha skull that Clarke knew what she was doing? That she wanted her. For an Alpha who claims to respect an Omega’s right to choose, she wasn’t paying much attention to Clarke’s choices.
Growling, Clarke moved to straddle the Alpha fully and used the grip she still had on the other girl’s face to push her head down into the pillow so that she could loom over her and insure that she had Lexa’s full attention.
Lexa’s eyes widened when Clarke turned aggressive and she was ashamed to note that her cock strained against the confines of her pants in response to the return of Clarke’s growl. It was still the sexiest and most terrifying thing she had ever witnessed, and Clarke was barely even growling this time. When Clarke pushed her head into the pillow she didn’t fight it. The growl and display of aggression from Clarke had turned her into putty in the Omega’s hands.
As soon as Clarke got comfortably situated over the Alpha, she said through her growl, “Listen to me, Lexa, because I don’t want to have to go over this again. I want you. I don’t know how you got it into your head that I don’t, but I do. My heat is over, Lexa. It’s over. And I still choose you as my mate because I love you.”
Lexa opened her mouth to dispute that claim based on the fact that Lexa did not feel she deserved Clarke’s love, but the words never made it out after Clarke’s growl intensified in response to the action.
Clarke kept going, “You claim to listen to and respect Omega decisions and desires, but I am starting to feel like everything I say is ignored. I realize that while I was in heat you had reason to doubt. But you don’t anymore. So unless this is your way of telling me that you’ve changed your mind, I think you should kiss me for a while and then get out of this bed with me so that we can check on our peoples and start the traditions and rituals that will allow us to mate and lead together.”
Lexa’s mouth opened and closed for several seconds without any sound coming out. She had no idea what to say. The intensity of Clarke’s gaze, the passion in her words, the conviction laced in Clarke’s pheromones, it all filled Lexa with the warmest sensation she had ever felt. Suddenly, all of her fears seemed ridiculous. All of the worrying she had done the night before had obviously allowed her to work herself into an idiotic frenzy. Clarke loved her. Of course Clarke loved her. And she loved Clarke. And they were to mate and lead together, as Clarke had said. They had talked about it. Discussed it in length several times. How could she have been so stupid?
Suddenly feeling very foolish, Lexa just gave Clarke one firm, decisive nod and whispered, “Ai hod yu in, Klark.”
Clarke smiled, nodded back, and muttered, “And don’t you forget it,” as she leaned in for a deep kiss. But, as Clarke had warned her it would, the kiss only lasted a few minutes, just enough time to get Lexa even more worked up, before Clarke was breaking herself free from the Alpha’s lips and rolling off the side of the bed. “You have ten minutes to do what you need to do to get ready. I’ll be waiting in the main tent,” Clarke shot over her shoulder as she walked out of the sleeping area.
Lexa let out a loud groan, highly frustrated, but rushed to get ready anyway. She didn’t want to anger her Omega again…at least not when they had things to take care of and no time to be alone together for a while.