In Which Our Heroes Attempt A Drunken Rescue Mission
AN: I suck pretty bad at typing and I’m the world’s worst proof-reader, because of this I have misspelled ‘immortal’ as ‘immoral’ a million times. So if you see me describe someone as immoral then that’s totally not what I meant and I just cannot write. Apologies for my frequent typos and shit I’m sorry.
Also this chapter jumps about a fuck tonne to save me writing screeds and screeds of stuff that isn’t actually plot so sorry about that but it’ll only be this chapter that that happens in.
Anyways on with the story.
Me started questioning Jack about Ianto’s death while they tried to make a plan to rescue him. While they were doing this, Clara, who was beyond any doubt the drunkest of the three, kept interrupting with various ridiculous suggestions, ranging from ‘LETS LOOK IN THE MINISRY OF MAGIC’ to ‘Maybe he went to T in the Park. You know The Doctor ended up there at one point. He was looking for some alien.’
‘Right so. Um. Eh,’ Me said scrunching up her face trying to get her drunken brain to work for her, ‘Wait, like, if we go back to the day of his death then we can like totally talk to him. You know like we explain to him what’s happening and then give him this,’ Me explained, gesturing to an immortality charge which was sitting on the control panel, ‘and then that will do some super awesome magical stuff and that will stop him from dying!’
‘Wait what the fuck is that and how will it work?’ Jack asked sceptically.
‘It’s a mire repair kit, or an immortality charge. It’s the reason that I didn’t die when I should have, and why I can’t die. I haven’t the faintst idea of how the fuck it works but they are in the helmets of the Mire and they heal them when they get injured or whatever,’ Me attempted to explain, which would have probably been a much easier feat had she been completely sober, ‘The Doctor used one on me to bring me back to life and he gave me one to use on someone I couldn’t live without. What he doesn’t know however is that I may have stolen a couple more of them. I can’t remember the exact reason I had to use the first one, I used the second one on Clara to make her properly alive again, and I have one left. So today is your lucky day.’
Jack’s eyes filled with tears for the second time that evening, ‘Me you have no idea how much this means to me. Oh god I love you.’ He said before throwing his arms around her and kissing her forehead.
‘I know what it’s like to find someone you can’t live without,’ she said quietly, ‘I’d hate to lose her. And you feel the same way about Ianto so lets go get him back for you’
‘Um speaking of Clara, where is she?’ Jack asked looking around for the drunk girl.
Ten minutes later they had managed to locate her, with an armful of odd parts, claiming that she was going to make a ‘Ianto detector’. They led her back to the control panel and told her to sit on the floor and make her machine and not move.
‘Okay now that we have everyone lets go get him.’ Me said as she began hitting buttons on the control panel ‘I’m getting a bit better at flying this thing.’
‘I don’t care if we fall out of the sky, as long as we save Ianto I’m happy.’ Jack responded.
-
It had been a very stressful, very strange few days for Ianto Jones, and that is really saying something when you work for Torchwood. He had become a fugitive from the law, nicked a forklift and used that to drop a massive fuck off cement block containing his naked boyfriend into a quarry, and he was now genuinely considering attempting to negotiate with aliens who wanted to abduct weans so they could use them to get mad wae it. Suddenly, the eccy brigade seemed like lovely law abiding citizens.
Just when he thought it was impossible for his week to get any weirder, he was pulled into a broom closet by Jack Harkness.
‘Didn’t you literally just walk off?’ Ianto asked, very confused, ‘And have you got taller in the last five minutes!?’
‘No he’s still wearing his heels,’ said a short attractive girl who was standing in the corner of the very squashed cupboard, ‘he’s also only wearing that jacket and his underwear. And we’re both a bit drunk so please bear with us.’
Ianto had no words to express his confusion and instead, opted to raise a single eyebrow and purse his lips.
‘Long story, I can explain it later if you want. But basically I’m not Jack, well I am Jack, but not Jack that just walked off. I’m from the future!’ Jack slurred slightly, trying to explain before Me but in.
‘My name is Me and we are from the future like how crazy is that!? Oh um we’re here because if you go follow Jack and see that alien thingy then you’re gonna die and that probably won’t be too great.’ She said, far more bluntly than she would have had she been sober. Noting the look of shock and sadness that flashed across Ianto’s face she hastily added, ‘but don’t worry we know how to fix it.’
‘We have this weird alien tech and it brought her and another girl we know back from the dead and we are pretty sure that it’ll work on you.’ Jack blurted out.
‘But because your death is a fixed point in time or whatever the doctor babbles on about we still need you to ‘die’’ Me added, making finger quotations at the word die, ‘If other Jack and Gwen believe that you are dead then the events of our past will not be altered however we can then pick you up and you obviously won’t be dead. Savvy?’
‘Okay. That was a lot to take in at once. But okay. How does the tech work?’
‘It’s this little thingymabob here,’ Me explained pulling the mire repair kit out of her pocket, ‘and if I place it on your forehead then your head sort of sucks it in and then it like magics you better when you get hurt. Even if you die isn’t that just so cool. But you’ll obviously have to be fake dead so other Jack and Gwen think you are.’
‘Alright. Go ahead.’ He said, praying that this would work.
-
Pretending to die in his lovers arms was the hardest thing that Ianto had ever done, closely followed by having to lie there and pretend to be dead in front of Gwen and Jack. As he was lying there he wondered just why exactly he was agreeing to go off with two drunks and not just telling his Jack that he had survived and going away with him. But an annoying part of his brain somehow trusted the drunk girl and the drunk future Jack, I mean they stopped him dying so they must have known what they were talking about. After he heard Gwen and Jack leave Ianto sat up and got out from under the sheet that was covering his ‘dead’ body and looked around the room for the other Jack and the girl he was with. After a couple of minutes of him wondering if this was some elaborate, morbid prank, they stumbled through the door.
‘Sorry we took a whi-woops,’ Jack began before falling onto his arse and laughing, ‘we couldn’t let me bump into me. That would have been very not good’
‘Yeah because he would have totally wanted to shag himself.’ Me laughed.
‘So where are we going to go now?’ Ianto asked looking between his so called saviours
‘We go to the tardis silly,’ Jack said as if it was completely obvious, ‘We actually have our own tardis isn’t that just wicked cool!?’
‘Um yes. It is wicked cool,’ said Ianto dryly, whilst picking up his trainwreck of a boyfriend off the floor, ‘So can we maybe go there now?’
After taking three wrong turns and going to the end of a corridor before realising they were going the wrong way and having to U turn back the way, they finally managed to locate the diner.
Upon stepping into the diner Ianto was greeted by yet another short drunk girl, however this one was hyperactively jumping about the tardis with a huge contraption that look like some kitchen utensils and wires duct taped to a large chunk of metal.
‘My Ianto detector worked everyone look I found him,’ she yelled before trying to walk towards him, tripping over her foot and falling down the stairs. Clearly the stairs in the diner have some sort of vendetta against drunkards. Me, Jack and Ianto rushed over to see if she was okay only to find that she was completely fine and was in fits of hysterical laugher because of her clumsiness.
At this point Jack decided that he was too tired for this nonsense, pulled his coat off and went to sleep on the floor.
Both girls decided that this was a great course of action and piled themselves on top of the now unconscious Captain Jack Harkness, before Clara pulled his coat over herself and they too fell asleep.
Leaving poor Ianto on his own, extremely baffled by the recent turn of events, to find a bed or suitably comfortable couch to sleep on.
AN: WOO FINALLY AN UPDATE! Man I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to upload this I have had no time to write because I’ve been at an interview for university and two doctors appointments and three concerts and I made the responsible and mature decision to sit on the ground round the back of The Garage until one am in the freezing Scottish weather so I could meet band members… Why am I allowed to make my own decisions again? No one cares. Anyways I’ve actually had chapter eleven written for almost a fortnight now but I couldn’t upload it because writing this chapter was so hard. As usual I hope you liked this so please like and comment and all that jazz.