Chapter 5
The sun was starting to rise as Clarke woke up, whatever had been in the tea had certainly done what it was supposed to do. The blonde had feared sleep for a while after the fall of the Mountain, the calmness she felt when she first drifted off to sleep would soon be replaced by terror as the images of that night flashed through her mind. Her actions that night were ones that she would never be able to forget, her choice had ended the lives of hundreds. Some were not innocent, they knew what went on during their ‘treatments’, they knew where the blood came from. But some, like the small children that Clarke had to step over when she was leaving, they were innocent. As innocent as innocent gets. Clarke knew the people of Mount Weather were just doing what everyone else on the planet was doing, trying to survive. That’s all any of them were doing.
It was easier for the blonde to blame Lexa for what she’d had to do, lay the blame firmly at the feet of the Commander rather than accept that it was her doing. While they had been planning the attack it had taken Clarke a lot of time and effort to persuade Lexa that storming the mountain, and killing everyone, was not the only option they had. They agreed to let the innocent live, though Lexa had asked Clarke how many of them were truly innocent. That question had been something which had gone through Clarke’s mind as she contemplated pulling the lever. She knew the answer, of course she did, but to accept the answer would mean accepting that Lexa was right.
Deep down she knew Lexa was right, about everything That’s one thing that had really irritated her the day that Lexa had taken her to the remembrance garden in Polis, the Commander had told her that she would’ve made the same decision that night. Lexa believed that, though Clarke would have battled with the options, she would have still made the same choice that Lexa did. Outwardly, Clarke wasn’t ready to accept that, she wasn’t ready to consider the fact that she was no better than Lexa. Inwardly, she knew it. Inwardly she already knew that, yes, given the chance to save her people at the expense of Lexa’s people, she would take it. Of course she would. But accepting it, letting Lexa know that she was right, would mean that she couldn’t blame the Commander. She couldn’t hate her for doing what she herself would’ve done, and without that hate for Lexa driving her forward, Clarke wasn’t sure what she had left.
As she lay in her tent, listening to the sounds of the forest wake up around her, Clarke kept running over everything that had happened in the last few days. After that night on the mountain she had thought she would never go to Polis, never set foot in the city which the Grounder Commander called home. But to save her people she’d had to travel there. It had taken every ounce of control that Clarke had not to fly at Lexa the moment she saw her, blade in hand. She knew she wouldn’t have gotten very far; Lexa’s people would’ve cut her down before she had taken a step. She needed Lexa to send assistance to the Azgeda, she needed those warriors to march on Camp Jaha. It was part of the deal, the agreement she had with Nia.
It bothered Clarke more than she would ever admit that she had asked the Azgeda Queen for her help, she knew what Nia was capable of. She vaguely remembered the older woman telling her that she hadn’t been the one to end Costia’s life, for some reason she thought it was very important that Clarke knew that. At first it had taken Clarke a few minutes to consider why Nia thought she would care. She had been told that during her first few nights with the Azgeda, when she was fighting against the help they were trying to give her, she had called out for Lexa in her sleep. Not that she would ever tell Lexa that.
Sitting up and putting her legs over the edge of the bed, she rolled up her sleeves. She hadn’t really questioned what the Azgeda healer had told her, she knew her head was messed up, she knew she was still punishing herself for what she had done, the lives she had ended, so it made sense to her that she had hurt herself. She didn’t remember it though, if she was being honest she didn’t remember a lot of things. It was almost like she would lose time. It first started when she left Camp Jaha, at first it was minutes here and there, then it became hours when she was staring at the fire or staring at nothing. It was easier for her not to think, not to feel, so she didn’t question it when she would start walking and not remember how she got somewhere. She was broken, she was damaged and she was starting to think she would never remember what it felt like to be whole. There had been a time, before Mount Weather, that Clarke believed that Lexa could give her that feeling. The sense of belonging, of home.
She rolled her neck as she left the tent, closing her eyes as it let out a small satisfying click. If she was being honest she was expecting everyone to still be asleep when she woke up, it was still really early. Part of her wanted everyone to be asleep. But as she looked towards the small fire, she saw that wasn’t the case.
“What are you doing awake, Clarke?” Lexa asked without even turning to look at her.
“Couldn’t sleep,” the blonde girl replied with a shrug, even though she knew Lexa couldn’t see her, “what about you?”
“I needed time to think,” Lexa replied, furrowing her brow a little as she looked into the flames of the fire, “and this is my favourite time of the day.”
“Why?” Clarke asked, walking over to the fire and sitting down, holding her hands towards the flames before she rubbed them together, “it’s freezing.”
“It isn’t that cold, Clarke.” Lexa said, fighting to keep the small smile off her face.
“Not that cold for a polar bear maybe…” The blonde muttered, moving closer to the fire, “so tell me, why is this your favourite time of the day?”
“It’s that time between night and morning,” Lexa said, looking at the trees around the clearing, “everything is starting to wake up, the sun is starting to rise. This time of day holds the most promise… the promise of a new day. If you try hard enough you can forget the choices that you made yesterday, just for a moment…”
Clarke stole a glance over at the girl who was sitting near her. She had yet to put on her armor, there wasn’t a hint of war-paint in sight. The light from the fire danced across her face, reflecting in her eyes. It was times like this that Clarke could easily forget what Lexa was capable of, what she had done. It was hard for the blonde to remember sometimes that Lexa wasn’t that much older than she was, a couple of years, three at most. Everything that Lexa had done, every war she had fought, every life she had taken, made her seem so much older than she was. Clarke thought that she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, but she knew that what she felt was nothing compared to the weight Lexa carried.
“What’s going to happen when we get to Tondc?” Clarke asked, shaking her head a little to clear her mind of the thoughts she was having.
“We should arrive after nightfall,” Lexa replied, “I’m expecting either Indra or her messenger to be there to give me an update, as they should arrive before we do. Then we wait.”
“Wait for what?” the blonde said.
“The inevitable,” Lexa said with a small shrug, “the fighting to start, the fighting to end…”
There was something about the way Lexa’s body tensed slightly as she spoke which worried Clarke. It wasn’t something that most people would’ve noticed, but Clarke knew the small signs to look for when it came to Lexa, those tiny little things which told her that something was off.
“You’re still not comfortable with this…” she said.
“In what way should I be comfortable with this Clarke?” Lexa asked, snapping her eyes to the blonde girl, “I have sent 500 of my warriors to fight, and likely die, and I am not there. I should be there.”
“What happens afterwards?” Clarke asked, not meeting Lexa’s eyes, instead keeping her eyes fixed on the fire.
“I have requested that the clan leaders meet in Polis,” the brunette replied, turning her own eyes back to the fire, “most of them should already be on their way. Luna will meet them, if I have not returned by the time they arrive. Before I return to Polis I will require a meeting with the leader or leaders of your people, we will need to talk about the future of your people amongst the coalition.”
“And if they don’t want to join the coalition?” Clarke asked in reply, honestly not sure what reaction Lexa’s suggestion would get from her people.
“I understand that they neither like nor trust me, Clarke,” Lexa said, “that is honestly not my concern right now. If they choose not to join the coalition, I imagine life will get very difficult for them. With the technology they recovered from the mountain they are a target for attack, as Indra said when you requested my help, we have no alliance with you, which means that I have no duty to protect your people. That will change if they choose to join the alliance.”
“An alliance didn’t force you to protect them before,” Clarke said as she looked over at Lexa, “you know, when you left us on the mountain to die.”
“An alliance is different to a coalition, a coalition works together for the betterment of all members,” Lexa replied with a sigh, “An alliance is only strong as long as it remains beneficial to both parties. It does not matter how many times you bring it up, Clarke, I cannot go back and change the past.”
With that Lexa stood up and walked towards her tent.
“You forgot to add the ‘nor would I’ to the end of that sentence, Commander.” Clarke said, her eyes still focused on the fire.
Lexa shook her head a little and walked into her tent, leaving Clarke alone by the fire.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
The ride to Tondc had been uneventful, Lexa hadn’t spoken another word to Clarke the whole way there, she had barely even looked at the blonde. That hadn’t stopped Clarke from looking at Lexa. The Commander had been tense during the whole ride, like she was listening out for something.
As they arrived at the village, Clarke noticed movement in the trees, when she looked up she saw Grounders with bows and arrows. They had been told in expect Lexa’s arrival and from the looks of it they were ready for any and every eventuality.
While Clarke was standing in the doorway of the small hut which Lexa had told her she could stay in with her, Clarke only agreeing after she made sure there were two beds, the blonde watched closely as Lexa talked quietly yet intensely with Ryder and another guy that she vaguely recognized from the last time she had been in Tondc. Indra had been nowhere to be seen when they arrived, Clarke assumed she would be with the warriors. The blonde had no idea if Lexa’s warriors had met with Nia’s, nor did she know what her people were doing at that moment, the not knowing was playing on her mind.
She walked over to Lexa, who immediately stopped whatever conversation she was in the middle of.
“Is there something you need?” Lexa asked as she looked at Clarke.
“A horse.” Clarke replied.
“For what reason?” Lexa asked curiously, “if you are planning to take a late night ride I would advise against it as we do not yet know what is happening in the surrounding area.”
“I need to go and find out what my people are doing,” Clarke said, “I need to find my mother…”
“Will she not be at Camp Jaha?” Lexa asked, folding her arms across her chest.
“No,” Clarke replied, shaking her head a little, “the plan was for them to leave the other group, it had already started, little by little. Those that can’t fight, the ones that are too young, or sick or simply cannot fire a weapon have been moved to the Mountain…”
“Your people are using the Mountain?” The Commander asked, to which Clarke nodded a little, “That is one piece of information that you should have provided before.”
“I didn’t see that it was relevant…” Clarke started to say.
“Not relevant?” Lexa asked, her anger starting to bubble up inside her, “first you do not tell me that the Azgeda were already marching on Camp Jaha and now this? Clarke, I asked you if there was anything else that you weren’t telling me, this is something that would fall into that category.”
“It’s the only way we have of keeping our people who cannot fight, safe,” Clarke replied, “I really didn’t think it would this much of a big deal.”
“Anyone inside that Mountain has access to weapons we cannot defend against,” Lexa said, stepping a little closer to Clarke, “or are you forgetting what happened in this very village when a missile was fired?”
“Bellamy said that Raven has put the missiles out of service, they can’t be used.” Clarke said, “that was actually one of the first things that they did, so you don’t have to worry about that. Now, can I take a horse or do I have to walk.”
“Go.” Lexa said, her jaw clenched.
Clarke shook her head a little and walked away from Lexa and towards the horses. Lexa watched her walk away before she looked to Ryder.
“Follow her,” she said, “I want eyes on her at all times, is that understood?”
“Sha, Heda.” Ryder said with a small nod before he walked over to one of the other warriors Lexa had brought with her.
Lexa looked at the messenger Indra had sent to meet her.
“Go to Indra,” Lexa said, “inform her of the new… development. Tell her that the plan has not changed, but to be ready to withdraw if I give the order.”
He nodded his head once before running off back into the forest.
Lexa watched as Clarke mounted one of the horses and rode from Tondc. She exited the village in the way one normally would if they were going to Camp Jaha, but Lexa had a niggling feeling that Clarke wasn’t heading to the camp. The Azgeda were near, Lexa didn’t know exactly where, she had been told they were closer to Camp Jaha than they were to Tondc, which didn’t exactly calm her thoughts. She put extra people on the village perimeter as she didn’t know what to expect from Nia.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Clarke rode away from Tondc, following the trail for a few moments before pulling off into the trees. The horse she was on had no trouble riding through the forest, which she was thankful for. She followed the line of the trail from the trees, careful to check behind her to find out if she was being followed, though deep down she knew if she was being followed she probably wouldn’t know about it. Once she hit the river she rode along the banks instead of crossing over, as she would do if she was going to Camp Jaha. There was a cave system not far from the camp, that’s where she was headed.
“Wanheda.” She heard someone say from the covering of the trees, “We thought you had forgotten about us.”
“There’s been a change of plans.” Clarke said as she dropped down from the horse, handing the Azgeda warrior the reins, “that better be still alive when I get back.”
Clarke continued the short walk along the river bank before she reached the cave system. She walked up the small embankment and into the first of the caves.
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Ryder watched from the cover of the trees as Clarke disappeared into the caves. He looked at the warrior next to him and indicated that he was returning to Tondc, Lexa needed to know about this. He left the warrior to wait for Clarke to conclude whatever business she had and turned his horse back into the forest.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
“Look who decided to show up.” Ontari said from where she was sitting on a large piece of fur on the cave floor, resting up against the side of the structure, “we were worried that you’d had a change of heart.”
“Shut up.” Clarke said to her as she walked past.
Ontari laughed a little as she watched Clarke pass her, before her eyes narrowed slightly. Something had changed, she just wasn’t sure what.
She stood up and followed Clarke through the narrow passage in the rock into another larger cave, she waited in the entrance to the cave as Clarke walked over to talk to Nia.
“You were supposed to travel with the warriors.” Nia said, not looking up from the map she was looking at as Clarke walked over to her.
“I really didn’t want to spend two days with Indra,” Clarke said, “that woman really hates me. She would probably have seen that I had some kind of ‘accident’ along the way.”
“Is she here?” Nia asked, ignoring what Clarke had said about Indra.
“She was talking about the Sky People joining the coalition when all this is over.” Clarke said, her hand coming up to rub the scars on her arm, an action that Nia didn’t miss.
“That was something we had discussed already, is it not?” Nia asked, finally looking up at Clarke, “Is your trust wavering, Clarke?”
“I wouldn’t exactly say that I trusted you to start with,” Clarke replied, which caused Nia to laugh a little, “you were just the lesser of two evils, so to speak.”
“Oh yes,” Nia said, as she stood up, causing Clarke to take a step back, “it was trust me, or trust Lexa, someone who already betrayed you once.”
Clarke didn’t say anything, she just clenched her jaw a little as she waited for the older woman to continue.
“You didn’t answer my question, is she here?” Nia asked.
“No,” Clarke answered, “she stayed in Polis, I rode in with Ryder and the others to Tondc.”
“What good is she to me in Polis?” Nia asked, stepping into Clarke’s personal space.
“She’s the Commander of the 12 clans,” Clarke said, “I can’t exactly force her to do something she doesn’t want to do, it’s not like she listens to me.”
“I nearly forgot,” Nia said, motioning to Roan who was standing near another entrance to the cave, “as we were leaving, we came across someone you might be interested in seeing again.”
Clarke watched as Roan walked into another smaller cave, coming back a few minutes later with Niylah. Her hands were tied and she had been beaten, Clarke’s eyes widened at the sight. She couldn’t top her feet moving over to the girl as Roan threw her to the floor.
“I’m sorry…” Niylah said to Clarke.
“For what?” Clarke asked as she crouched down in front of her.
“That night…” Niylah said with a cough, “when we were trying to escape… I… I’m sorry, Clarke.”
Clarke looked at Nia, standing up slowly as she walked towards the woman.
“Why?” she asked her.
“Niylah failed to do as she had been instructed to do,” Nia said with a smile, “attempting to help you to escape was not what she was there to do. She was there as a… distraction.”
“You knew where I was…” the blonde said, as she glanced back at Niylah.
“Of course I knew where you were.” Nia replied, “I know everything that happens in my territory, Clarke. Now, I’ll ask you again, is Lexa here?”
“No.” Clarke said.
Nia nodded a little to Roan, Clarke didn’t need to turn around to know what was happening as she heard Niylah bite back a scream, even Ontari turned away. Clarke closed her eyes and swallowed the sick feeling that was rising in her stomach.
“Why would the great Commander Lexa, ruler of the coalition of the 12 clans, remain in Polis?” Nia asked as she walked around Clarke in a small circle, “And why would she allow you to leave?”
Clarke didn’t reply, she looked over at Ontari who just lowered her head and looked at the floor.
“Ontari can’t help you answer the question, Clarke,” Nia said as she stood in front of the blonde, “how many did she send to Tondc?”
“Another unit.” Clarke replied honestly.
“Which makes the total number of warriors from Polis, 750?” she asked, to which Clarke nodded, “How many warriors are already in Tondc?”
“I have no idea.” Clarke said.
Nia nodded to Roan again, and again Niylah muffled a scream.
“I’m telling you the truth!” Clarke yelled, turning to look at the other girl who was bleeding from two fresh, deep cuts to her upper arms.
She rushed over to her, pushing Roan out of the way as she went, causing him to laugh. She crouched down in front of Niylah.
“I am so sorry…” she said quietly.
“Do not apologise…” Niylah said, shaking her head a little, “simply do the right thing…”
“I don’t know what the right thing is anymore…” Clarke said, tears burning in her eyes.
“You need to remember, Clarke…” Niylah said with a small smile, “you must remember…”
“Remember what?” Clarke asked her.
“That’s enough of that I think.” Roan said, pulling Clarke up from the floor.
“Get her cleaned up,” Nia said to Roan, “She’s no good to me dead.”
Clarke furrowed her brow a little.
“What did you just say?” Clarke asked.
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Lexa was sitting in the small planning room which Indra had set up for her to use when Ryder walked into the room, causing her to jump a little.
“Your suspicions were right, Heda,” he said, “she was not meeting her people, she was meeting the Azgeda.”
“Where are they?” Lexa asked as she stood up.
“In the caves, near the river.” He replied.
“Do you believe that she intends to betray me, Ryder?” Lexa asked, when Ryder hesitated to answer Lexa sighed, “speak true, Ryder.”
“I believe that was her original intention, yes,” he said with a nod, “but now I am not so sure… she has… changed, Heda.”
“Send word to Indra,” Lexa said, clasping her hands behind her back, “inform her of the Azgeda location, and ensure that she strengthens the right flank of the forces against attack from that side.”
“You’re still going through with this?” he asked.
“I agree with you, Ryder,” she replied, “I believe that her original intention was to betray me, I believe that the cost of Nia’s assistance to save her people was my death. That indicates to me that Nia is aware of my feelings for Clarke, which puts her in danger now…”
Ryder nodded and turned to leave the room.
“Ensure she gets back safely.” Lexa said as he was leaving.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Clarke lay in the bed in the small hut she was sharing with Lexa, the Commander was asleep, Clarke herself wasn’t so lucky in finding sleep. She sat up on the bed, using the light from the moon which spilled in through the window, she watched Lexa sleep. She had no idea why she had lied to Nia, it would have been easier to tell her the truth about Lexa being in Tondc. But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t do it. Ever since they had left the temporary camp that morning, Clarke had been getting flashes in her mind of her time on the ground before they attacked Mount Weather. With those flashes came feelings. Feelings that she had long since thought buried.
“Apparently hate is not the strongest emotion we have…” Clarke said quietly to herself.
Clarke jumped off the bed as calls of ‘Heda’ came from outside the hut. She hadn’t got changed to go to sleep, so she was already dressed and rushing to the door as Lexa put her coat on and picked up her sword.
“Stay here.” Lexa said to Clarke.
“Not a chance.” The blonde replied as she reached the door.
“Clarke…” Lexa said, a warning tone in her voice.
“My people are not yet part of your coalition, Lexa,” Clarke said as she turned to look at the girl, “so you can’t order me around.”
Clarke opened the door and walked out followed closely by Lexa, what she found stopped her in her tracks. Ryder was holding Ontari’s arms behind her back as she struggled.
“Do you want to tell this idiot to let me go?” she asked, looking at Clarke.
“I can’t do that…” Clarke replied, looking to Lexa.
“What are you doing here?” Lexa asked as she walked closer to Ontari, Clarke hung back, allowing Lexa the space she needed.
“She killed Niylah,” Ontari said, ignoring Lexa and looking at Clarke, “while you were talking to her she had one of her warriors scouting out this place, she knew you were lying, Clarke.”
Lexa looked back at Clarke, the blonde had her head dropped, Lexa could see the pain on her face.
“Explain.” She said.
“When I left here,” Clarke said, looking back at Lexa as she fought to keep the tears from her eyes, “I didn’t go to my people, I went to talk to Nia… which, from the look on your face you already knew…”
“I suspected,” Lexa replied with a nod, “as I have suspected that I cannot trust you from the moment you arrived in Polis.”
“Good instincts…” Clarke said with a small nod, “she asked me if you were here, I said no, I told her that you had stayed in Polis.”
“Why?” Lexa asked.
“Because…” Clarke replied, swallowing hard, “because I’m not ready to watch you die…”
“Didn’t see that one coming…” Ontari said, causing Lexa to look back at her.
“If you wish to keep your tongue, I suggest you remain quiet.” Lexa said before she looked at Clarke, “Niylah, she’s the girl who tried to help you escape the trading post, yes?”
“Yes,” Clarke replied with a sigh, “though she was apparently there as a distraction, to keep me… occupied, until the Azgeda arrived to take me to Nia. While I was talking to Nia earlier, she had Roan bring her out of one of the caves… she’d been beaten and…”
“Roan is here?” Lexa asked, her face betraying her feelings for the first time in a long time.
“He’s with Nia…” Clarke said, “why?”
Lexa took a deep breath, in an effort to steady her racing heart. She had been searching for Roan for almost 4 years. Nia claimed to have cast him out of the Azgeda, though Lexa suspected she was lying she could never prove it.
“He’s the one who killed Costia.” Ontari said, when it became clear that Lexa wasn’t going to answer.
What Ontari didn’t expect was Lexa to snap around to face her, sword now to her throat.
“What do you know of Costia?” Lexa asked.
Ontari moved her head back further, in an attempt to back away from Lexa’s blade.
“Speak, or die, those are your options.” Lexa said.
“I was there…” Ontari replied, “I’m the one who tended to her wounds at the end of each day…”
Clarke could see that Lexa was about to strike out at Ontari, she moved over to Lexa and placed her hand on the Commander’s sword arm.
“That won’t bring her back, Lexa…” Clarke said softly.
At first, Clarke thought that Lexa either hadn’t heard her, or had chosen to ignore her. But then she saw Lexa’s arm start to waver a little before she lowered it and looked at Ryder.
“Lock her up.” She said.
Ryder nodded and lead Ontari away to one of the secure huts.
“Lexa…” Clarke said, putting her hand on the brunette’s shoulder.
Lexa shrugged off Clarke’s hand and walked back into the hut that they shared and closed the door. The blonde decided to give Lexa some space and went for a walk around Tondc. She could feel people watching her as she walked, she ignored them. She saw Ryder coming out of one of the huts and walked over to him.
“What’s the story with Roan?” she asked, partly expecting him to ignore her.
“Come.” He said, motioning for her to follow him, which she did.
Ryder lead Clarke to the planning room, he knew it would be empty as Lexa was in her hut. He poured himself a drink, offering Clarke one, which she accepted. He then sat down and motioned for Clarke to do the same.
“When the Azgeda joined the coalition, it was not because they agreed with Heda’s ideas or her plans for the future of our people,” he said, “it was simply a matter of survival for them. Many clan leaders were present in Polis when Heda received a box from Nia.”
“Costia…” Clarke said quietly.
“Not all of her,” Ryder replied with a small nod, “to this day we do not know what they did with her body, they simply returned her head. It was meant as a warning. Nia did not like that the Commander was forming the coalition. Her people thrived in the North, sending out raiding parties to the surrounding clans, attacking their towns and villages. Nia controlled the area through fear, the Commander, though many feared her, offered them something more…”
“Safety…” Clarke said, “Lexa offered them safety…”
“The coalition is about more than that, but yes,” he said, “safety was a part of it. As I am sure you’re probably aware, the Commander is not the leader of the coalition due to her… softer side. She can be ruthless, when she needs to be. After Costia’s death she sent her armies North, not to fight the Azgeda, but to protect the clans which had agreed to be part of the coalition. She did not declare war on the Azgeda, she was simply… protecting her interests, protecting her people. Hundreds of Azgeda warriors died in a matter of months…”
“If Nia retaliated by encroaching on coalition territory, Lexa could view that as an act of war and wipe them out…” Clarke said, a small smile playing on her lips, “that’s pretty smart.”
“Indeed,” Ryder said with a small smile of his own and a nod, “The Commanders warriors cut off the raiding parties, which cut off the Azgeda, Nia’s people were suffering, winter was coming and they did not have enough food to last. Heda was starving them, slowly. It was one of the harshest winters the North had seen, Nia sent a representative to Polis requesting a meeting with the Commander. She agreed, for the good of her people. Nia claimed that it had been Roan who ended Costia’s life, she assured Heda that she had cast him out from her clan. Though the Commander always suspected that Nia was lying, she could never prove it.”
“So the Azgeda joined the coalition and Roan got to keep his head.” Clarke said.
“He is one of her most prized assets,” Ryder replied, “she would not want to give him up easily and Heda could not go to war over one man. She always knew if she waited long enough he would surface again. Roan is… deranged, he and Nia appear to take pleasure from watching others suffer. Like your friend…”
“Niylah…” Clarke said quietly, “the only thing she did wrong was try to help me…”
“She went against her Queen,” Ryder said, “that in itself is a crime punishable by death.”
“What’s going to happen to Ontari?” Clarke asked.
“That is up to the Commander,” he said, “She is lucky you were here, or she would be already dead. Though she did not admit to harming Costia, the act of tending to her wounds prolonged her suffering. If she can be of use, for information or Azgeda tactics, Heda may keep her alive, if not…”
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When Clarke made her way back to Lexa’s hut she found that the door was now open slightly, she slowly pushed it the rest of the way open with her foot to find Lexa sitting on her bed.
“Can I come in?” Clarke asked.
“Are you going to be honest with me?” Lexa asked in reply as she looked at Clarke.
The blonde could see the redness in Lexa’s eyes, she had been crying. Clarke thought better than to bring that up though, and she couldn’t really hold it against her.
“As honest as I can be.” She said, causing Lexa to motion with her hand to the bed opposite her.
Clarke walked into the hut and closed the door behind her, she walked to the bed and sat down.
“I really don’t remember that much…” she said, fresh tears stinging her eyes, “I have flashes of memories, some brought back earlier tonight. I was talking to Niylah, I told her I was sorry. If I’d have told Nia you were here, maybe it would’ve been quick, but I couldn’t. I… I tried to hate you…”
Clarke looked up from the floor to find Lexa looking at her, the Commanders eyes betrayed more than she would probably want, but it also let Clarke know that she was in no danger from her. Not that she ever really thought she was. Part of her knew that it would take something Earth shattering for Lexa to hurt her, physically at least.
“It was easier, for me, to blame you,” she said, her eyes now focused back on the floor, “lay it all on you. I felt like I was suffocating, every time I closed my eyes I could see them. Sitting at the tables where they had been eating, lying on the floor from where they tried to run when they realized what was happening… toys, scattered around where the kids had dropped them. The skin just… burning off…”
She jumped a little as the bed dropped down slightly as Lexa sat near her. She hadn’t even heard her move.
“But I did that,” Clarke continued, “I’m the one who did that. Not you. I killed every person in that place, me…”
She angrily wiped the tears which were now falling from her eyes.
“The really sick part is, I would do it again,” she said, glancing up at Lexa, who was looking at her with sympathetic understanding eyes, “though I tried to hate you and I really wanted to… I couldn’t, because… because I understand. I know…”
“I never intended to hurt you, Clarke.” Lexa said quietly.
“I know,” the blonde said with a small nod, “I know. But you did. You walked away and left me. When I left Camp Jaha I had no idea where I was going to go, part of me wanted to find you, to tell you what I’d done… but I couldn’t, so I went the one direction I knew you wouldn’t go, I went North. I didn’t want to find the Azgeda, I certainly didn’t want to find Nia. I just wanted to disappear. Be someone else. Not be the person who killed an entire group of people…”
“So what you told me about the small outpost and the woman who helped you…” Lexa said.
“All true,” Clarke said with a nod, “everything I told you up until the Azgeda finding me is true. And I really don’t remember everything. Bits have been coming back over time. I asked Ontari about it, she told me I was pretty out of it, so I figured I couldn’t believe what my head was telling me was true. I remember bleeding, a lot… I remember my arms felt like they were burning… the more I fought it the worse it got. I remember the healer coming in, I begged him to make the pain stop…”
“It’s okay…” Lexa said, placing her hand softly on Clarke’s arm, “you don’t have to tell me everything right now.”
“The biggest part clicked back in place earlier,” Clarke replied, looking over at Lexa, “when I was talking to Niylah… she told me to do the right thing, and I told her that I didn’t know what the right thing was anymore… Nia told Roan to get her cleaned up, because she wasn’t any use to her dead. I had heard those exact words from her mouth before… only then, when I heard them, it was about me.”
Lexa brought her right hand up and placed it in front of her mouth, her fist tightening as she thought about what had happened to Clarke. What Nia had done to her.
“What happens now?” Clarke asked.
“It is too late to call off the attack against Camp Jaha,” Lexa said, her eyes narrowed a little, “we go ahead with that as planned. If I am correct in my assumption that Nia will contest your people joining the coalition, then she may make a mistake. I cannot simply declare was against her for this… I…”
“If she contests it, what will happen?” the blonde asked in reply.
“She may be foolish to also contest my leadership of the coalition as well.” the Commander said with a small smile.
“Why are you smiling about that?” Clarke said, “She does that, you’ll have to fight.”
“She does not have a warrior in her ranks who can beat me,” Lexa said confidently, “and she is aware of that.”
“She’ll make you fight Roan…” Clarke said.
“It is possible.” Lexa said with a nod, “the anger I have against him may work in her favour. He is very skilled and I would need a clear head to defeat him, I would have to put aside everything that he has done, which would be a challenge… it would certainly be one of the most difficult fights that I have ever had.”
“I’m guessing the winner isn’t decided in a points system.” Clarke said with a small smile as she looked at Lexa.
“The winner is the one left standing at the end of the fight.” Lexa replied.
“That’s what I figured…” Clarke said with a nod.
“Do not worry, Clarke,” Lexa said with a small smile of her own, “I am faster than he is, smarter than he is. If he is the one she chooses, I will defeat him.”
“Good,” Clarke replied, placing her hand over Lexa’s which was still on her arm, “because I meant it when I said I’m not ready to watch you die…”