Fifth Year
Jasmine tugged on the collar of her dress robes. It a little tight and she was hot, nearly sweating. Her date, Tybolt Macmillan, didn't notice her discomfort. He was too busy talking about each pup in his grandmother’s French bulldog litter. Jasmine didn't mind that he paid her no unique attention as he chattered on about subjects Jasmine had no interest in, and as he talked, he clanked his spoon loudly around the bottom of his bowl trying to get the last spoonfuls of his meal.
Though he had obnoxious eating habits and talked too much, Macmillan was a boring sort of fellow. He was mostly harmless Jasmine realized early on into their date, but truly and non-earth shatteringly boring. The only conversation—though hardly a conversation as Jasmine remained mostly silent—so far had been about his dogs and Jasmine was growing sleepier with each puppy: There was Wuvsies—the youngest—and Sir Caddlewag who was grumpy and apparently knighted, and then a few others with equally ridiculous names. If his stories about his dogs just lying about and being spoiled by his family weren't bad enough, his voice had a certain drone quality that made her ears itch.
Jasmine had insisted that they have their 'date' at Madame Puddifoot's tea shop. She had discovered after the first few attempts by her mother to find her a husband, that the pink wall paper and over-the-top decorations were suitably off putting to her suitors and often they made excuses to never contact her again. She liked to pair Madame Puddifoot's with a frilly pink robe she found in her mother's closet. Let them think she was high maintenance with a scary personality. She had met an intern at the ministry who worked in her father's office that had tastes that ran similar to Madame Puddifoot’s that Jasmine took for inspiration. Jasmine couldn't remember her name: Darcy, Dolores? It was something like that. This tactic was successful in running her suitors to the mountains. The quicker they ran, the faster she could change out if this ridiculous outfit.
But Macmillan was just not getting it. He hadn't even blinked at the pink wallpaper and the gaudy decorations. He just ordered his rice putting and proceeded to take forever in finishing it. In the meantime, she had already swallowed a large slice of chocolate cake and two scones—on his wallet, of course. She was also finishing her second tea.
She slouched in her chair and held the mostly empty tea cup loosely in her fingers. Some of her tea spilled onto the doily table cloth but she didn't care.
She glanced at Macmillan as he lowered his spoon. "I have to say, this is delicious treat. I should consider some tea next. What do you recommend?"
Jasmine's eyes widened at the thought of spending any more of her afternoon with him as she waited for him to finish his drink. "Er, nothing. The tea here is horrible. Tastes like broom grease,” she said quickly.
"Fascinating," he said coyly as if she was teasing him. "And what does broom grease taste like? I would rather like to try it. Waiter!"
Jasmine just stared at him and slumped back in her seat. She could do some spell work to speed this up. After her mother's howler for what she did to Diggory, she supposed she could aim for something less colorful. She grabbed her wand from her pocket and thought through a couple of spells: she could charm him to spit up his drink every time he took a sip? Maybe charm blemishes on to his face? That one was simple and she had done it before. She could always transform him into a newt and be done with it? She smirked. That would be sure to get her a detention, a howler, and a strongly worded letter from the ‘Witch's Society of Finery and Decorum’. They hated when she cursed her dates.
She was about to pull her wand from her pocket but something outside the window caught her eye. She turned back to Macmillan and dropped her teacup on the table and left her wand in her pocket.
"I have to use the loo," she explained quickly—no longer interested in pranking Macmillan—and stood up.
"Alright. I should maybe like to order another snack as well. What do you recommend?" He didn't seem to notice that Jasmine didn't bother responding and that she only continued to walk away. "Ah, the tiramisu looks delicious."
She walked out of the tea shop and followed her friend who she had spotted outside the window into the quidditch supply store.
"He looks like a winner," a brown haired girl said knowingly as Jasmine approached her from behind. The girl, Mary, turned her head to smirk at Jasmine. She turned back to a pair of expensive dragon hide gloves and pretended not to be excited to see her friend.
Jasmine laughed and leaned against a shelf. "You have no idea. He is really lucky you walked by when you did. I was about to turn him into a potion ingredient," she said and then followed as Mary dropped the gloves and moved towards another part of the store. "What was wrong with that pair? I thought you needed quidditch gloves?"
Mary just shrugged and pretended to admire the quidditch sweaters. "Dragon-hide is really expensive." Jasmine could tell by how Mary's attention seemed to flicker from item to item, that she was just window shopping now, the prices here a little too high for her comfort.
"It's no problem, I'll buy them for you," Jasmine said. She turned around and grabbed the gloves that Mary had been considering.
"Don't," Mary pleaded. "I can find a cheaper pair."
"It's no problem, really," Jasmine insisted. "Dragon-hide has some of the best grip. I have a pair myself and I can say it's kept me from falling off a broom a few times in a game."
She went to the front of the shop and had the gift rung up. When the gift had been boxed as most stores in Hogsmeade tended to do, she held it out to Mary.
"Take it," she said.
Mary smiled and took the offering, her fingers briefly touching Jasmine's.
"Thanks," she said quietly.
The two left the store and decided to leave Hogsmeade all together. Jasmine didn't want to come across Macmillan again, considering she just ditched him. But honestly she figured it would take him a while to realize that she wasn't even coming back, let alone finish his dessert. She also didn't want to come across her fellow marauders just yet. Sometimes, she just liked having a quiet moment or two with Mary without them butting in. They made it back to the castle and Jasmine followed Mary up to the younger girl's dorm. Her year had five girls all together but luckily they were all at Hogsmeade at the moment.
When they were safely alone, Mary turned around and kissed Jasmine. She tossed her gloves onto her bed and wrapped her arms around Jasmine's shoulders. Jasmine melted into the kiss and let her hands rest in Mary's waist. "You're the best."
"I know," she smirked.
Mary giggled. She pulled away from Jasmine and took off her heavy cloak draped it over her trunk. "Thank you for the gloves, really," she said as she picked them up. "You really don't have to buy me gifts."
"I don't mind," Jasmine said. "And plus you needed those."
"I just wish I could buy you something, too," Mary's family were heavily budgeted with their money and Mary had the smallest allowance out of her muggle sisters because Hogwarts afforded her free board and food. Jasmine didn't mind though and wished that Mary could just accept the gloves as just a nice gesture.
"I don't need anything," she said.
Mary nodded. "My youngest sister will love this. She really wants to see a dragon now that she knows they're real," she tried the gloves on and squeezed her palms a few times. "These really do feel nice."
"See, I told you they were worth it," Jasmine said. "Want to try them out. I'm sure the pitch is empty and if I ask Madame—"
"Actually, I just want stay here," Mary cut in. Jasmine blinked and then smiled softly. She sat down beside Mary and the girl leaned onto her shoulder. They went from cuddling to kissing lightly. They hadn't gone further in the time that they had begun dating, which frustrated Mary sometimes. She was young and curious and thought Jasmine would be more experienced and willing to teach her, but she was surprised by how shy Jasmine actually was with intimacy. Jasmine didn't particularly like being touched in certain parts of her body when they kissed. So Mary kept her hands around the other girl's shoulders and back. Once they had ventured lower and Jasmine had ended their snoggimg session very quickly.
"We shouldn't be doing this," Jasmine said half heartedly and then returned to kissing her.
"You say this every time," Mary mumbled between breaths.
The two paused as their ears picked up the sounds of footfalls. They broke away afraid the person might enter and catch them. They slid away from each other to opposite sides of the bed, but the person continued by and Jasmine figured it must have been a dorm mate of hers or an upperclassman back from Hogsmeade early rather than one of Mary’s dorm mates. She relaxed when she realized how tense she was.
"Heh," Jasmine let out a breath and ran a hand through her hair. She collapsed backwards on Mary's bed and frowned at the canopy, feeling terrible and boxed in. She wished she could come out gay like Mary wanted to do, but there was a feeling in Jasmine that she hadn't figured something out quite yet. It bothered her that she didn't feel as straight-forward as Mary about her feelings, but Jasmine felt it was important to wait.
"I know it's dangerous but I really just want to say 'Who cares if someone walks in?'" Mary said trending into rehashed territory. She scooted back next to Jasmine and lay beside her. "I mean, this is who we are. We’re lesbians. We shouldn't be ashamed. There are a lot of other people who are like us."
"And getting hurt because of it," Jasmine muttered. There were a few names on her mother's maiden family tree that had been blasted off due to 'deviant' behavior. A little digging told her that her mother had a third cousin Achilles Black who had an affair with another man. He eventually married a pureblood girl but that was only after his lover had disappeared.
"My family would kill me," Jasmine said, though she thought that maybe they might kill Mary first. "And it would break my mother's heart."
"No offense, but your family sounds terrible," Mary said. “And what about your heart?”
“As my mother would say, ‘there's no room for hearts in marriage’,”Jasmine said. She didn't doubt her parents loved each other, but she also knew that their marriage was an arranged one and that Jasmine’s mother was essentially a list of characteristics written down on a piece of parchment that her father signed off on. She had no doubt for much of their marriage that they were strangers and maybe partners, but love, that came much later. "Purebloods are a small pool of people already as it is. They just don't see a point in relationships like ours. They expect me to breed heirs."
Mary scoffed and Jasmine silently agreed. She felt more than a bit disgusted and resentful with her life. She hated how her life was already written out for her, and that what she wanted interested no one who claimed to care about her.
"Then let's tell people about us," Mary urged. "You hate these dates, you hate their rules, you hate their clothes you don't even like men. You shouldn't have to entertain the idea of marrying one. Your family wouldn't really turn you away if you didn't, would they? We don't live in the dark ages and you’re their only daughter."
Jasmine wondered what would happen if she were to tell her parents that she was attracted to women. Her mother would probably be disappointed but then again, she might just ignore it. She's been fighting with Jasmine on everything her whole life, Jasmine's attraction to women and not men might provide her mother answers to all of her headaches, but in the end it truthfully didn't matter what Jasmine felt. Her mother would see to it that she married a pureblood man at the end of the day. Her father, on the other hand, she couldn't predict. She wasn't that close to him and in some ways, he was pretty hands off for a father. Because she was his daughter and not his son, she was left to the mechanisms and rearing of her mother. Sometimes she felt like a disappointment to him by not being his son and some nights, when she was alone, she felt safe in admitting that even she would prefer it if she had been a son.
Even now in the company of her girlfriend, the thought still nagged at her. She closed her eyes and thought that everything would be better if she was born a boy. Everything. And after a while of thinking this, Jasmine realized what she felt wasn’t some kind of ‘the grass is always greener…’ type of deal, she truly began to consider her thoughts on being a boy and was amazed at how the idea did make sense with her feelings.
Mary didn't like that Jasmine felt that way so Jasmine stopped telling her that she did, but it didn’t stop her from feeling it. Mary thought Jasmine was being weak and wanted an easy way out. Jasmine didn't think her feelings were easy, she just wished that Mary would understand that.
"You're just trying to fit in with everyone else. How is that any better than pretending to be attracted to men?" Mary had snarled. That had been one of their biggest fights.
Jasmine had always felt more comfortable hanging with the boys then other girls. She hated the clothes she was forced to wear and the makeup her mother would insist on painting on her. She even hated her body. She hadn't told Mary this, but Jasmine hated looking in the mirror. She hated going to the bathroom and she hated showering. She even hated Mary's hands exploring her body and playing with her breasts. She'd never let the hands explore further down below her skirt any more. It made her too uncomfortable.
"Hey."
Jasmine felt a hand touch the side of her face. "You zoned out on me there."
"Sorry," Jasmine mumbled.
They stayed that way for a bit, before Mary spoke again.
"Jasmine?"
Jasmine turned her head and stared at Mary.
"I really like you." She said. "You like me too, right?"
"Of course," she said surprised. She thought her feelings for the other girl were obvious, even if their situation was complicated.
"But you're ashamed of us?"
"No, Mary!" She said. She sat up and a bit. "I'm not ashamed of you, of us, I'm just..."
"You're afraid," Mary said, "That’s okay. I’m afraid too, but we're not alone. We have each other."
Jasmine just nodded despondently and Mary grabbed her hand.
"We don't have to do it now. I even understand waiting till we're both out of school. But I want to be in an honest relationship with you one day. I don't want you marrying some man that your mother picked out. I want you to be proud of us."
Jasmine nodded again. "I know and I want that too."
"When we're both ready," Mary encouraged. "…We'll do it all together."
* * *
Present time
7th year
"Jasmine?"
James was sitting in the middle of the pitch with his knees pulled up and the broom rotating in his hands. He couldn't seem to escape the dark thoughts that filled his head all week. The fight he had with Lily had taken a lot out of him and he couldn't deal with his teammates’ behavior in the locker room. The only bright spot had been practice earlier where he had the chance to fill in for one of their chasers who was sick. He was pleased that he was an even more stellar chaser than he was a seeker. He only wished that he could take that role on permanently but that wouldn't be fair for his teammates.
Practice ended a half hour ago and reality was setting in. He was not a chaser and he was currently feeling the most miserable he ever had since before his sixth year. He felt like a fool, letting his guard down to how ugly the world was and now everything was falling to pieces as if to remind him he wasn't meant to feel happy.
Nothing was explicitly said, but he felt it was imperative to wait for everyone to leave the locker rooms before taking his turn for a shower. He didn't think they would turn violent like others in this school had but the vibes they gave off were unsettling at times. They stared at him sometimes like he was an insect to be figured out. Normally he could deal with it—he was almost done with school—but not today not after his fight with Lily, not with the aurors hanging about asking questions.
"Jasmine?" The voice came again from behind.
He turned around at his old name being called and saw Mary MacDonald. He gave her a bewildered look, wondering what she could possibly want from him after all this time she spent between ignoring him and glaring at him.
“I saw you guys practicing,” She said by way of explanation to her presence as she came closer. James took in her appearance and noticed that her hair was shorter. It no longer fell over her shoulders but instead was cut in a stylish short chin-length bob. She looked a bit taller than the last time they had truly talked to each other but it was hard to judge as James' own perspective had changed greatly alongside his body.
He nodded at her and dropped his broom and let it roll away from his feet. He crossed his ankles and gazed at the clouds instead of Mary's hair. She stood beside him, gazing out at the pitch and they fell into an uncomfortable silence.
“Are you still planning on trying out next year?” he asked conversationally as if he was asking about the weather. They use to talk about that all the time, but that was a long time ago. The team was full coming into this year and tryouts weren't necessary, but half the team was graduating in a few months and soon a new captain would be announced. Mary was practically guaranteed a position.
She nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure I’ll have a chance. I was considering chaser. I always preferred that position.”
He nodded. She finally took a seat on the ground beside him and sat cross legged. She was being nice and he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. They hadn’t spoken to each other in almost a year despite being in the same house. He remembered they didn’t have a pleasant break up.
“So you’re really doing this?” She asked and gestured to his body.
There it was. Her voice wasn’t malicious, not like the dirty looks she had been sending his way last year when he began attending classes as James Potter. She sounded more resigned and maybe a little bitter.
“I am,” He said and nodded his head. “I already did.”
She just shook her head. They lapsed into silence and James debated leaving for his shower. He didn’t really want to talk to Mary. They had hurt each other too much by this point.
"When I look at you, I still see Jasmine," she said.
James hadn't wanted to turn himself into a completely different person all together, so of course he still had resemblances to his old appearance. He gave Mary a look hoping she'd get to the point already.
"It always made me mad when you talked about wishing you were a boy," she said. "But I never thought it was possible…or that you would actually do it."
He shrugged, angry. He pulled his legs up and leaned over to grab his broom. He made a move to get up completely but she grabbed his sleeve.
"Jasmine, wait," she said.
"I go by James now," he said.
She snorted. "Right, James."
James bristled.
“Why are you talking to me?” He asked.
She glared at him, already defensive. “I really wanted to talk to you," she said and James couldn't imagine why now? They had broken up at the end of his fifth year and with that, their friendship shriveled up. That had been nearly two years ago. She had never been a big supporter of his gender dysphoria and she had called him weak on more than one occasion. Maybe she would finally understand him now.
"So I guess you've got everything you've ever wanted, huh?" Her voice cut through his thoughts.
"Not everything," he said keeping the conversation light and thinking of that chaser position and not a certain redhead who he frustratingly pushed away.
"Of course you do," Mary snapped. "Now that you fit into a nice little box, your mother can marry you off to a nice girl and the two of you can have magical babies. Just like everyone wanted."
"Mary," he said unsure of how could explain everything to her. Just the other month he nearly bled to death because of some transphobic prick. He felt nothing was sure and he certainly didn't think he fit nicely into a box. People still gave him looks when he used the bathroom. He had lost friends over this. Some people even cringed away from him at the slightest touch as if he was diseased. He hadn't chosen an easy path. He was just incredibly lucky to have the good people he did in his life when he chose to take it. "You wouldn't understand."
"I think I do," she said. "I remember how you use to be—"
"No you don't," he snapped. He turned back to her angry. "You didn't know me. You hated when I talked about how I felt so I stopped talking to you about it at all. You think I'm weak because I'm transgender? This was the scariest thing I've ever done and you know what? I did it."
Mary only shook her head.
"I don't know what to say to you that will make you accept me," he continued helplessly feeling his frustration as everything hit him hard. "And I don't really care anymore. I'm tired of all this shit. You think I'm trying to be like everyone else but it's you who hates me for not being like you."
Her face scrunched up and she shook it fiercely. "I hate you because you abandoned me. I just—" she broke out. James heard her voice thicken. "How could you do this to me? We made a promise to each other and you left me. I'm all alone now."
James squeezed his broom and truly looked at the girl.
“I had to do it for me,” He said. “I was really unhappy before. I’m sorry that this ‘ruins’ your plans.” He was being sarcastic and was prepared for a fight, but she didn’t rise to the bait.
She looked tired and unhappy and not just from this conversation. She had a heaviness on her shoulders and there was something in her eyes pleading with him even if her words spoke otherwise. It was strange to see Mary broken down like this. She was always fierce and stubborn, often times overbearing as James felt obligated to do things to keep her happy with his silence. She was pushy and knew how to get what she wanted and this was a weakness in her he imagined she had never felt before.
The way they had gotten together wasn't particularly romantic or special. Jasmine had just noticed the girl seemed blush and stare at other girls more than she did with boys. Jasmine had been coming to terms with that privately as well and thought they could be kindred spirits. She had been too scared to tell the Marauders and because she thought Mary was like her, she had seemed like an only option.
The two had just sort of fallen together. There weren't any other girls or boys to their knowledge at the time that shared attractions to their own sex. For the two of them, it all just began as friendship that led to experimentation only to settle as a 'relationship'. Jasmine realized that they were both cheated in that way. Settling and mistaking limited options for soul mates.
James made the changes he had to make or he would have lost his mind trying to live a life he couldn’t stand. He couldn’t worry about how Mary would take it, because this decision was for him and not for anyone else. But Mary was all alone now that she felt that James abandoned her, though, to be fair, the world outside of Hogwarts was bigger than they ever did give credit.
But as far as she knew, she was alone and scared.
Her only ally had walked down a different path and Mary had no friends in her corner to support her in her fear of a backlash.
"I'm sorry, Mary," he said. The girl rubbed her face. "It wasn't my intention to abandon you or make you feel alone. It wasn't, but I had to do this. For myself."
"I know it wasn't your intention to abandon me," Mary said. "But I’m alone now."
"You won't always be alone," he said. "You'll find people who will accept you; you’ll find people who feel as you do."
"Yeah, I wish they came to school here," she said.
"Maybe they do," he said.
"Hm," she pondered. "People who will accept me or feel like I do?"
"Both," he said. "Seriously, they are probably just as scared as you are. I think we need to find ourselves first before we can open up to someone else."
She suddenly turned to James and frowned at him. "Is that why we broke up? You knew you would do this to yourself?"
James hadn't. Not then at least. It took a few weeks into the summer for him to finally gain the courage and motivation to even imagine the spell that would change his life.
Truth was they fought a lot. The first big fight was when Jasmine had let slip that she believed she might be happier as a boy. Mary had chewed her head off and stormed away. The words were still fresh on his mind. He hadn't irrefutably confirmed his feelings to her, it was still a half understood feeling deep in the pit of his stomach, but all the same, the anger that been thrown around shook him and kept him quiet and it really hurt to be denied like that. They had fought over which food was better, quidditch teams, athletes, when to come out as a couple, who to tell, why one preferred to do homework than spend time with the other, and preferring friends' company to each other.
"I think it just happened," he said. "We annoyed the hell out of each other."
She nodded. "You made me so angry. You still do. I want to throw my broom at you most of the time."
"I'm sorry," he smiled.
"I really don't even like you that much."
"Ah," James said. "And that explains why you wanted to talk to me?"
"I just keep thinking back to then and how we came apart. I felt better because we were both alone," she said. "But you're not anymore and I hate you the most because I'm jealous. I want that. I want my friends to accept me and my parents to accept me and I want someone who loves me. But it's not real."
She looked at him.
"It's not fair."
He thought back to his friends. Sirius who had taken his news hard but eventually came around. He thought of Remus who had supported him always, and Lily who loved him despite the fight they had. He thought of his parents who supported him and how scared he had been to tell them. He wondered how truly alone Mary would be.
He shook his head. They sat their silently for a bit, neither one looking at each other. But after a time, Mary spoke up with a small voice. The heat lost and instead she just seemed unsure.
"James, when I'm ready to tell," she looked at him, "Will you still be there for me? Like we promised? I don't want to be alone when I do it."
He reached out and rested his hand atop of hers. He nodded.
"Thanks," she gave a weak smile. She was still for a moment before climbing to her feet. "I should go." She began to turn away but paused as a thought struck her. She turned back to James and he watched her curiously. "And for the record, I always thought you were cute, but as a boy, you're not," here she scrunched her face up as if in pain at her admission, "…Unattractive."
He barked out a laugh, feeling a bit lighter. "Thanks, Mary. I know how difficult for you that must be to admit," he joked. She smiled bashfully and lowered her head as her cheeks blushed.
When Mary was gone, James grabbed his broom and headed to the locker rooms to shower. Teammates be damned.