Letter 3
Letter 3
Dear Lexa.
You are sleeping next to me as I am writing this, snoring quietly, pressed to my side with my waist in a death grip. Your face is calm. There are no traces of stress over your forehead, nor any tension in your jaw. I rarely see you as peaceful as you are in your sleep, you carry so much stress around all day every day. Even on those days when we have nothing else to do other than to be with each other I still see the heaviness in your eyes. For as long as I have known you I have seen that in you. At the beginning of our relationship, I feared it, feared that the worry you carried with you would stand in the way of us. With time I realized that your ambition was a part of who you were, a fundamental part of you….
--
It's been three weeks. Three weeks of studying until her head hangs heavy on her neck. Three weeks of falling asleep with the bitter taste of longing on the tip of her tongue. Well, the taste of longing, bitterness and paper from wetting her thumb to flip the next page for hours. Three weeks and she's counting the days, one after another but they don't seem to get any fewer. Costia is just as frustrated, perhaps out of sympathy. The other woman has always been better with distance and pouring herself into whatever needs to be done in the absence of being able to do what she wants to do. Lexa admires that about her, her ability to focus, not that Lexa is incapable of doing just that, it's just easier for Costia.
It's been three weeks and Lexa is ready to explode.
Although, that wouldn't make anything easier.
She's not one to give in. Not one to five up a good fight. Every decision she's made up until this point has been made in the shadow of struggle. Her mind has never been emptied of thoughts of upholding the legacy that comes with the name her father gave her. That same name that she fled, if only momentarily. Lexa knew that she'd return at one point or another. She might never have asked to be who she is, what she is, but running away from that would not change anything. Being a ‘Woods’ meant more than blood, it was an honour, just like her father taught her and his father before him. For more than eight generations have those words been passed down, alongside the ancient saying that gave life to the first Woods who claimed ownership of his own life in a time when people owned people.
Blood must have blood.
That saying echoes through Lexa’s bones. Like a constant reminder of her heritage. Of all the things expected by her. She's in never-ending debt to her name, much like her family would want her to remember. The name she was given at birth was chosen to ground her, keep her contact to her ancestors, to ancestor - Alexander Woods.
It's in her blood. Engraved in her bones.
She won't give up.
Her day to day life has turned into arranging Skype calls, studying until her eyes hurt and arguing with Clarke Griffin. Well, arguing isn't the right word. It's more like passive-aggressive bickering. Lexa must have done something awful in her previous life to deserve this. She would have been fine with the blonde girl and the fascination she developed with her, from a distance.
This however, is not something she wants to have to deal with.
For their first assignment in their sociology class their professor split the class up into pairs and assigned them all individual topics. Maybe she has a taste for revenge, it could also just have been a coincidence but neither of them sure didn't think so, because it so happened that they were paired with each other. Much to neither of their liking.
Somehow they managed to agree to meet and get started with the assignment just two days later. Not that Lexa was particularly busy and was unable to fit their meeting into her day, the matter of the fact is that the blonde´s infuriating behaviour takes at least 48 hours to prepare for. Well, no not really. Although Lexa didn't disagree when Clarke suggested that they would meet at the library that Friday.
This Friday.
Lexa´s green eyes glance over at the clock hanging on her bedroom wall. Twenty minutes. A sigh fills up the room and she rubs at her temples. All she asks for is that it goes smoothly so that she can get back to finishing up the rest of the work for the week before eight o'clock when she's supposed to Skype with Costia. It's date night and that's bad enough as it is, add additional time spent in the same room as the blonde and Lexa´s day is getting worse by the minute.
--
She still hasn't figured out what it´s with the blonde, blue-eyed woman that infuriates and interests her at the same time. Perhaps just that: the fact that she makes Lexa want to know more, understand more.
Lexa meets up with Clarke in the library
“A sophomore gave me a reference that looked really good”. Lexa looks up from her laptop, eyes quickly noticing the frown on the other girl´s face as she drags her finger over her notepad. “This one”, she continues and underlines the row she's paused at, then she shoves the notepad over to Lexa´s side of the table.
The green-eyed girl takes notice of the reference; one she hasn't stumbled upon herself when she prepared for this meeting. “I will check if it's reliable”, she answers, eyes already returning to the laptop screen.
“I already did. It's the real deal”, the blonde says and snags her notepad back.
Those green eyes snap up, a blue pair doesn´t meet them. “Alright”, she says. “I´ve outlined the structure, I´ll email it to you, and I took the liberty to start the analysis”, she continues which causes the blonde to look up.
“With what?”, the other girl questions. “We've only just found a handful of references, we don't have enough material”.
“I found some of my own. They're listed on the last page. We've got enough”, Lexa explains without looking up, eyes fixed at the screen and the sentence she´s working on.
Clarke huffs. Audibly so. Enough for the green-eyed woman to watch her from out of the corner of her eye. The blonde has an unreadable expression on her face, but that quickly changes into a smile as those blue eyes wander to the side.
“So this is where you're hiding”, comes a voice before Lexa catches two women come walking towards the table. She recognizes them, the ones that waited outside the lecture hall on her first day. She remembers the way they laughed over her.
Lovely, she thinks for herself and sighs.
“Hiding isn't the word I´d use”, the blonde replies.
A silence presents itself. The only sound is coming from Lexa´s computer as she taps away on the keyboard. The silence doesn't last long, but during its time the green-eyed woman catches the way the three other women exchange looks.
“Anyway, let us know when you're done, we're going out tonight”, the third woman says and drags her companion with her away from the table.
“What a surprise”, Clarke replies with a mouthful of laughter. “I´ll text you”.
--
They call it after another three hours. Or more like Lexa asks for a break, because her vision is blurry from staring so closely at her screen, and Clarke votes for quitting while they're still on the same page. How they manage to not go at each other's throats during that time is a wonder. Lexa pulls out her phone as she gets her stuff ready to go, the digital clock informs her that it´s 8.30 pm. On the dot. She also has a notification of two new text messages waiting for her in her inbox, probably from Costia since she´s missed their date. She doesn´t open them, too tired to deal with it when she could just get home and do it face to face instead. Well, screen to screen since that is her life nowadays.
The fact that she's late to their date night and still hasn't finished the work she planned on causes her mind to run wild.
She might just have to disappoint Costia tonight and deal with herself.
The green-eyed woman´s steps are heavy as they leave their table in the library and she tries her best to crack the tension out of her limbs while walking. The sound her neck does when she cracks it sends shivers down her spine.
“So… should we do this again on Monday?”, Clarke asks as she types something on her phone, not looking up until she´s done. Lexa opens her mouth to answer when her eyes turn to the blonde, the frown in between those blue orbs shuts her mouth closed. Instead, she walks ahead and opens the door for the other woman. It´s something in that frown, or rather the emotion in her eyes, something that resonates in herself. Once Clarke does look up they have stepped outside the entrance and are standing in the approaching nightfall.
“I believe we should make use of the momentum”, then answers and Clarke nods.
Those blue eyes flicker down to the phone in her hand, she huffs and shakes her head before shoving the device down the pocket of her brown leather jacket without replying.
“I agree”, the blonde says, her hands now occupied with adjusting the strap of her shoulder bag. “Same time? Same place?”.
“It´s a date”, the phrase falls of Lexa´s tongue without a thought and she catches the way the blonde's eyebrows shoot up, confused or perhaps even shocked before she offers Lexa the smallest of smiles.
“You bet”.
--
…. you should know that I did not see it coming. You. Or us. All of it hit me with such a surprise I had to look back at days like that one we planned that first assignment we were handed. I tried to see the signs, signs that I should have noticed but did not. Only I did not find any. Not even when you strayed from your normal behaviour. I did not suspect a thing. Perhaps that is how it was supposed to be. Unsuspected. You are snoring, just so you know. I am struggling to not immortalize it, like you would say, with my phone so that you can no longer argue that I am lying. I probably will not do it. Just know that I could and I will not. I love you.
Remember that. Always.
With all my heart
your Clarke