Letter 4
Letter 4
Dear Lexa.
I miss you. You are here, walking around the house with your tight sweatpants on that allows me to follow every curve of your hips with my eyes and I know that I miss you. Not in this moment as I am writing this, but when you are reading it I will be missing you. It probably sounds cliché, but it is true. I miss you. All the time. When you are not here with me it feels like a part of me is missing. You are walking around the house with your earphones on, your hair is up in a messy bun and with every other step, you take you to dance a little to the music. It is the child in you who has decided to dance around our apartment in those tight pants this morning and I miss you.
For a long time I did not believe that I would get this. That I would be this infinitely happy. You and your silliness make me happy. Not to mention the looks you give me, those knowing glances. I know for a fact that you swing your hips just a little lower to tease me because you know that my eyes are fixed on you. Some say that love should not be this good, that it needs to be hard for it to last in the long run, and I think they are right. We have not had it easy, not now or before it was us either. You are dancing in our apartment and I cannot help but think of how happy you used to be when you were someone else´s. When I was someone else´s…
--
“What's that sound?”.
“The rain. It´s pouring outside.” She walks off-screen, merely her shadow still visible for the green-eyed girl. The sound is a loud, pattering one, that has been going on and on during their conversation. It´s not bothering her per say, but when Costia tells her it´s because of the rain Lexa´s gaze immediately shifts to her own window. It´s a calm day. The sun is shining, with no rain or clouds for as long as her eye can see. The sting in her chest hurts, more than she´d like to recognize. It´s sun, but it´s rain where Costia is. “It looks like the heaven has opened and all the angels are crying”, Costia says from a distance.
Lexa shakes her head, a tender smile lingering on her lips and the hurt in her chest. “You have always been one for the dramatics.”
Costia reappears, now wearing a smug smile on her face. “What would life be without a bit of drama,” she answers sarcastically.
Lexa watches as the brown-eyed girl takes her seat again and her sweet face fills up the screen. The rain is loud and the sunshine has fallen through the window to warm her hand, and she misses her. By god, she misses everything about Costia and their life.
“Easy,” Lexa says and the smile on her lips quickly vanishes because her thoughts are already blackened by the mere inkling of thought towards something far more dramatic than Costia and her sayings.
“Hey,” Costia calls for her attention, proudly showing of a gentler smile. “I could come visit you.”
“Cos-”
“Before you say anything, I'm not sure I can yet, I still got to figure out when and how and all of that so…”
“So I shouldn´t get my hopes up”, Lexa interrupts and Costia sighs nodding.
“Right.”
She shakes her head slowly with a frown. “They won´t allow it,” Lexa states and leans back in her chair, her arms already crossed over her chest because of the subject of their conversation.
“Who? My mom? If I ace this semester she'll probably buy me the plane ticket herself,” Costia tells her, but Lexa is still frowning. The green eyes girl watches as her girlfriends bite her lip and then sighs. “He doesn't have to know.”
“Yet, somehow, he always does.”
“It´s your life, Lexa.”
“You keep saying that. I keep telling myself that, but I'm here am I not? Just like he set out for me to be.” The look on Costia’s face says it all - she knows that what Lexa´s saying has more truth than either of them would like. “He'll know,” Lexa claims and truly, she believes that somehow he'll know. For all, she knows he could already be aware of their discussion on the matter because he of all people have the awful ability to be one step ahead of her most of the time.
Costia runs her hands through her long brown hair, once, then twice and by the third time her fingers touch her head the frustration has stained the skin of her neck red. “I don't give two fucks whether Titus knows or not,” she says and Lexa believes her, she´d be foolish not to. The gods know, she wouldn't care either if she had a choice in the matter. “I just want to see you,” Costia continues and it's more of a plea than anything else like she's asking for permission to miss her.
Lexa looks at her, at the screen. Costia is there, but at the same time she´s not and that's what hurts Lexa the most. She wants to say yes. Scream it even, loud and clear so even the rain quiets in comparison. She won´t, because the reality isn't that simple. When it comes down to it she understands that she made a choice, to honour her father´s wishes and the expectations that he held for her.
Her phone suddenly buzzes, drawing her attention away from the computer screen. She picks up the phone to find a new message. When she´s read it she scoffs and locks the phone once again.
“Who is it?”
“Clarke. She wants to work on the assignment,” she tells her girlfriend with her gaze returning to the screen and Costia´s face.
“Right this minute?” Lexa nods and Costia smiles. A moment passes with that smile still on her lips and her brown eyes locked on Lexa, then Costia exhales deeply. “You should go.”
“What? No. We can meet up tomorrow,” Lexa replies.
“Lex.” Not only is her nickname said with a serious tone, but the face Costia makes is serious as well. “You need to go,” the green-eyed girl´s girlfriend tells her, followed by a gentle smile.
Lexa has never been able to say no to that face
--
The library has become their place. Neutral ground one could say. Which was nice - to not have to invade each other's life all that much. Even their seats had become their special ones. Lexa always sits facing the door, casually aware of every single person who enters and leaves, while Clarke´s crawled into the corner so that she can balance her chair back against the shelves. Between them on display are the many drafts they've written and commented on throughout the project.
They don't talk much, usually, they get through the pleasantries the first half hour and then it´s all work. Lexa has learned though to spot the signs, those little things the blonde those before she makes the choice not to speak. Like when she´s read one of the drafts, particularly those with Lexa´s notes on, then she smiles a little and a second later her jaw tenses up. The green-eyed woman doesn't know what to do with that, what to read that smile as, but the silence that follows is clear.
So, when it´s not quiet, for whatever reason, she's very much aware of it. For the last two hours they've been at the library she´s listened to the blonde twist and turn in her seat and sigh. Which has drawn the attention of that green gaze to herself and more times than not has Lexa caught her staring at her phone, or unlocking it only to lock it again. When Clarke slumps forward, the chair once again standing steady on the ground, to however over her phone Lexa´s eyes are already on her. Lexa watches how she bites her lip, unlocks her phone and swipes at random directions without much focus to then lock it again. As Clarke put the phone down again on the table next to her computer, her blue gaze flicked up to the computer screen but as if drawn by Lexa´s awaiting gaze blue meets green. Clarke bats her eyes and leans forward to focus on the computer.
“Something's bothering you,” Lexa finds herself claiming.
“I´m fine. What do you think of this paragraph?” the blonde replies and angels the laptop so Lexa can see which one she´s talking about.
“It´s alright. It´s good.” She can appreciate Clarke´s attempt to keep their relationship strictly professional, but her current mood has got Lexa intrigued. “What's wrong?” she asks, closing her own laptop as she does so to emphasize that the blonde now has her full attention.
Clarke laughs, hollowly almost, and raises her brow in doubt. “You're not really interested so can we just drop it,” she tells Lexa. Yet, Lexa keeps her gaze steady and fast on the blonde. Unwavering. With every so small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth as encouragement. A beat passes by and with it, the green-eyed woman can see it change, how the blonde makes the decision to let her guard down. “It´s Finn,” she says and Lexa immediately rolls her eyes. She doesn't necessarily mean to, but it happens and Clarke laughs. This time her laughter isn´t hollow, but joyful, for whatever reason. Which makes it hard for Lexa not to let that smile fill up her lips. “Don´t.”
She shrugs her shoulders and leans back with her arms crossed over her chest. “I didn't say anything.”
“You thought it.” Lexa scoffs. She's right of course - she did think and none of those thoughts that spurred to her mind was far from pleasant. “It's hard sometimes,” Clarke then continues. It's the most honest and open she has been and it resonates deep within the green-eyed woman.
“I know.”
Lexa doesn't even recognize that she's said anything before Clarke closes her laptop.
“How long have you two been together?” the blonde asks.
“Officially? Three years.”
“And unofficially?”
The warmth that spreads through her body has undeniably coloured her cheeks red. A warm and bright red. Lexa smiles, a goofy and childish one as the memories of Costia and herself plays before her eyes. Of them as young kids, much too young to understand what love was or meant. Yet, somehow they felt it. Perhaps you don’t need to understand emotion to feel it, even at a young age.
“We grew up together,” she tells the blonde. “I don't remember a time when I didn't love her. One day we were friends and the next we were a couple.”
“That sounds nice.”
“It is,” she answers, but as the memories from all that time ago fade so does the warmth and before she can stop herself she catches herself thinking that it was. That it was nice when all they had to do was be and love. When the world hadn´t become that big just yet. It was nice and that scares her.
“You’re lucky. Some don't have a best friend to fall in love with,” Clarke tells her and there´s something to the way she says it that makes Lexa frown. “I’m serious.”
They look at each other, perhaps a moment longer than necessary. The blonde is elusive, still, Lexa believes her. Believes that the blonde wouldn't ask questions unless she was interested in the answers. She´d like to ask her why, why she decided to expand their relationship to something more than what it´s been. Honestly, she´d like to ask many questions so that she may understand the woman before her.
Before she has time to formulate thoughts into words Clarke yawns, long and hidden behind the palm of her hand.
“Let´s call it a night, yeah?” Lexa says and rises from the table. She collects her things and shuffles them into her bag, but as she turns to leave a hand falls upon her shoulder.
“Hey wait,” Clarke tells her and when Lexa turns quickly realizes how close they are. Close enough for her to spot the signs of far from enough sleep under the thin layer of makeup around the blonde's eyes. “Do you have any plans for tomorrow?”
Lexa shakes her head. She rarely has plans, other than those that involve Costia, but she works most Fridays. “What do you have in mind?”
Clarke leads her towards the exit, walking close enough for their arms to brush against each other now and then. “We're going out, Rae, O and I. Have you met Octavia's brother? Anyways he´s in a fraternity and they're throwing a party,” she explains.
“Okay.”
“You should come with us,” Clarke then says.
The green-eyed woman stops as they reach the doors. She can hear Costia´s voice in her head, telling her to say yes. When she looks over at the blonde she´s met by a small genuine smile. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to get to know the blonde, now when the opportunity has presented itself and all.
So she nods and replies, “text me the details,” before she opens the door and they say their goodbyes.
--
… I knew back then that that conversation was a stepping stone to something bigger. Over the years I have learned that the walls you put up are there because you believe that they protect the things you love. The people you love. I want you to know that you do not need any walls no more. No one and nothing could take me away from you. I am in this. I will fight for us. For you. We have come too far to not last forever. You are it for me, today, tomorrow and for as long as you will have me.
Alexandria, I am yours.
With all my heart
your Clarke