Letter 2
Letter 2
Good morning baby. Or afternoon. I bet you are reading this after work, which means it is probably close to midnight. You are always running on too little sleep and too much caffeine. You have never been a nine-to-five kind of girl and that work of yours is going to be the death of you one day. Still, I know you love what you do, so I will not hold it against you. Even though I am most definitely hating this distance at the moment. Every moment.
Anyway, how was your day? Don't tell me… busy, chaotic and you wanted to strangle your new assistant? I cannot believe Anya did not let Indra come with you, that woman must be getting some weird pleasure out of putting every imaginable obstacle in your path. No matter what though, I know for a fact that you are kicking some serious ass with or without any help.
However, speaking of obstacle… I could not help myself from not looking through our hard drive today, and yes I found that video of us dancing to Dancing Queen, even though I am not sure you could call it dancing. After some nostalgic reminiscing I stumbled upon one of Raven's folders, she must have forgotten to erase all of her stuff after she borrowed the hard drive when her computer crashed last year. She is going to die of laughter when she sees these pictures. And most likely frame some of them just to annoy you. Oh, do not dare to smirk. If I remember correctly, and I do, you did not like her or her camera back then, less than you do now actually…
//
It's official, Lexa misses home and it´s only the first day. Looking over her schedule for the coming weeks a grunt erupts from her throat. It´s not even that she isn't looking forward to the classes she's signed up for, they don't even sound half bad, but it´s the amount of them that bothers her. It doesn't leave much else to do and after the two years, she's spent without anything holding her down to a schedule this is a bit overwhelming. Then there's also the obvious factor - at home there´s Costia. It hasn't even been twenty-four hours and Lexa already misses her. More than that she misses the safety of having her here. Costia´s mere presence has been constant in her life up until this point and even though they made the conscious decision to apply to different colleges the distance wasn't something Lexa ever looked forward to.
She finishes her coffee and puts the cup in the sink, filling it up with hot water before leaving. With the bag hitched up on her shoulder, heavy enough to make her feel more or less grounded, she leaves the apartment building.
It´s the official first day of classes. Walking through campus she passes more faces than she has this whole time in Washington, none of them close to familiar to her. That´s what you get by spending every possible minute in your apartment. Costia sure made her aware of the stupidity of doing so, yet again she didn't complain for long after Lexa purposely made her complain about something completely different. Getting that apartment was the best diction thus far. Still, it would have been nice to not feel like a lost puppy all on her own. It´s a little dreadful, although she won't ever own up to it.
First on the agenda, sociology. It happens to be one of the few classes she has been looking forward to. The two years abroad definitely taught her to appreciate different cultures and societies, it also intrigued her to learn more and get the chance to put the things she's seen into some good use.
Entering the west wing of the main building she is once again overwhelmed by the number of people rushing back and forth. Although she has to shuffle her way through the crowd it doesn't take her long to find the right door, B14. The lecture hall is grand and intimidating. Not to mention the woman clad in a navy blue suit pacing back and forth in front of the blackboard, talking calmly into her phone while the poor guy sitting in a chair slightly behind her taking notes. By the looks of it, he must be the TA.
This is for real. It finally sinks into Lexa that this, this is it. There's not another trip, not just one more mountain or sunrise, not another day of living for the moment. To be perfectly honest, this day was predestined even though she did all she could to push it forward. Two years. That is what she got and now she'll have to live up to expectations.
A sigh escapes her and she swallows hard. She should not be ungrateful, she's not, but this is not what she wanted. She never wanted any of this.
As a group of people push past her she makes her way up the stairs and slides into one of the middle seats. It doesn't take long until the seats are filled and the woman in blue talks with a low voice to the guy still sitting in his chair, his hand still moving effortlessly almost over the notebook without his eyes straying from the woman´s face. He looks young, younger than Lexa even. He must be some kind of genius, she decides, if he´s TA for this class.
She busies herself with doodling on in the margin of the open page in front of her, she's never been good at anything creative. It's not in her blood. Archery and fencing, that however is something she could do blindfolded at the age of thirteen, which she did once after her brother had dared her. Still, something was captivating in the art that made her heart tremble. Sports never did that for her, all it gave her was adrenaline and bruises. It must have been one of the reasons why she fell for Costia, that woman couldn't keep her hands or mind still for longer than short moments before both started creating. The first time Lexa heard her play those messy chords on her beat-up guitar and simply mumbled along, it wasn't even the right lyrics, she fell deadpan.
When her green eyes clear from the fog of the momentary haze of memories they fix at the doodle. It resembles the family crest after a few strokes and she quickly buries it with more than enough ink. Even if she has made it her mission not to think of it, it´s always there. You can't escape your faith, her father had told her when she worked for him that summer after senior year and since that day she was determined to try. She tried for two years. She got two years, then reality caught up to her and now here she is, doodling circles and lines until they all look the same. Until her unconscious thoughts have spilt onto paper for her to see. She'll never escape.
She is tossed back to reality by a slight cough by her side and her head jerks up, eyes landing on blonde hair and ocean blue eyes.
“Is this seat taken?”.
It´s the girl from the bar, Lexa remembers her. Or, she remembers those blue penetrating eyes. Her own scan through the rows below them, they are all filled up, before she looks back up at the blonde.
“It is now”, she answers and scoots over a few inches to give the girl some more room.
Her eyes find their way back to the doodle, or more the now black spot on her otherwise empty page, her stomach turns slowly as the thought settles somewhere within her. Although, she can feel those blue eyes on her. It´s a creeping feeling moving up her spine, leaving her to once again look over to her right and surely, blue meets her green.
Once Lexa looks fully at her, she notices the light behind that blue, it's dimmed but clearly there. The blonde licks her lips, her tongue barely gracing those pink lips, fingers moving to open her own notebook. “I don't know if you remember me-”, she starts and Lexa interrupts her.
“I do”.
It is now those blue eyes look away from her, the creeping feeling leaving Lexa´s body almost immediately. “I´m sorry for what happened. Finn can get a bit aggressive. He has a problem with people talking back at him, it´s not of his best traits”
Lexa drags for a short breath, with lips quirking up in a smirk. “He has more than one problem”, she replies and focuses her gaze on the empty lines of her paper. The word leave her tongue with ease and without her thinking twice about it, why should she, she's always been told to be blunter. Perhaps not like this, but hey she's working on it.
It's quiet. Not really. But it is. Because the blonde doesn't answer. Lexa feels pleased with herself, even though she knows it was unnecessary of her to say it. It´s the complete opposite of what Costia would have done and Lexa imagines the brunette shaking her head at her, causing that smile to grow even bigger.
“It's not hard to see why it went as it did”, comes the answer from the blonde and Lexa is actually surprised by it, her eyes shooting up to find a tense jaw and anger spilling out of the corners of those blue eyes.
Lexa leans back, arms crossing over her chest. The wood behind her is chilling and her hands rub absentmindedly over her arms as a reflex. “And why is that?”.
“You're a jerk”. The blonde shrugs her shoulders, eyes wandering down to Lexa´s arms for a moment before they fixate on her eyes. “No offence”.
“None taken, I'm not the one dating that man-child”.
Fury sparks in that blue and Lexa can't help but smirk once again. The blonde one opens her mouth to answer, but for a second time, she is interrupted. This time not by Lexa.
“Ladies! Got something you´d like to share with the rest of the class or may I begin this lecture”, the voice demands attention and Lexa almost jumps out of her own skin at the tone. Too familiar.
It is only now that Lexa realizes that they've interrupted the class, completely missing what the professor have said.
She quickly straightens up and grabs a hold of the pen again. “Apologies”.
The woman eyes them both, with a particularly irritating furrow between her eyes and her lips a stiff line on her face, before letting her gaze wander off as she turns back towards the blackboard. “Welcome to…”.
Lexa tries her hardest to listen, she really does, but most of her concentration is focused on the girl next to her and that slowly fading blush of anger on her neck. The creeping feeling crawls under her skin, causing the hair on her arms to stand.
It's official, Lexa misses home.
--
Class ends with a heavy sigh.
The syllabus promised a few too many nights of reading than Lexa would have wanted and she wasn't the only one that squirmed in her seat when their professor presented it to them. On the other hand, it did keep her mind preoccupied. She didn't look over to her side to see the reaction of the blonde one. In fact, Lexa didn´t spare the girl a second thought after the syllabus landed in front of her.
Now, when the professor who introduced herself as Mrs Tally, declares the class to be finished everyone scrambles onto their feet. It´s only the first class of the day and Lexa already feels like throwing in the towel and return to hiding in her apartment. She won't though. A promise is a promise and she has never been one to back out. As the rest of the students in her row line up to exit she finally looks over to her right, the blonde is gone. It's almost disappointing. Apart from Lexa´s coffee this morning, the blonde girl with ocean blue eyes was quite enjoyable. At least winding her up that is.
Lexa follows the line down the rows towards the exit absentmindedly, busy shoving her things back down her bag. In the back of her head, she has already made up a list of pages she needs to finish for tomorrow, alongside that Skype conference with her parents that she insisted on having. The fact that he called it a conference set the tone and Lexa has been preparing herself for it since the day she got to Washington. She can already hear his voice, telling her that this is it and this is life.
It is in your blood. That is what he would have said, over and over again if she even attempted at rolling her eyes. She can't help it, it has become a habit. Just thinking of those words makes her do it. Sometimes she wonders what would have happened if she would have had a brother, an older brother that is, the age difference wouldn't have mattered to her father, all he wanted and still want is a successor. Still, if she would have had an older sibling, how would that have changed things. Maybe she'd still be sitting on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean or walked through Rome for the hundredth time. Maybe she would have had it easier to simply live, and harder to connect to the rest of her extended family. God knows, she isn't the only one being dragged into this.
She jumps back, her heart thumping heart against her ribcage, knocking her elbow against the doorframe sending pain up her arm and through her shoulder. That is going to bruise. She hisses at the numbing sensation in her arm and the pain travelling back down her shoulder blade. Her eyes clench shut for a split second, while she breathes in through her nose, pushing back the tears that conveniently enough rushes to the surface. It´s the chock. She should've been more aware of her surroundings.
Or, maybe the girl standing in front her could have been a little less in the way.
When she opens her eyes, her green finds a pair of brown. The owner of those brown eyes has almost hair dark as a raven and in her hands, she holds a camera. “You okay?”.
Lexa breathes out slowly, the pain subsiding somewhere along her spine. As she takes another look at the girl, her eyes are drawn to her left, almost like magnets, they pass another girl with even darker hair and then they fixate at those blue eyes again. Of course. The blonde wears an amused look on her face.
“Excuse me”, Lexa snarls as she turns her full attention to the girl with the camera, the camera that flashed bright just a moment ago and made her jump in the first place. The girl raises her eyebrows in response but takes a step to the side. Lexa brushed past her, careful to keep her eyes forward but in the corner of her eye, she sees the blonde pull a smirk.
“What´s up with her?”, Lexa hears someone ask behind her and there's no doubt in her mind that the person in question isn't asking about her.
“She's got a stick up her ass. I can see it sticking out her backside”, another answers and laughter spill from more than one mouth in return.
//
… it is quite unbelievable that we managed to not kill each other in the beginning. Although your harsh exterior, I saw something in you, something I had not seen before and perhaps that is why I was so drawn to you. God knows it was not your charm that drew me in. Even though that was the reason I stayed. One of the reasons anyway. I think it is funny looking back at all of that now, it might be because I have seen all the other sides of you and I love every single one of them, no matter how great or annoying they are.
Not a single day goes by without me wondering what would have happened if we would have chosen differently, even right there in the beginning. Every imaginable version of reality lacks that one thing. Passion. For life. For love. For every single new day to come spent longing for more. I understand that this distance keeps us apart, but nothing can keep me from your side.
You never stray from my thoughts, love.
With all my heart
your Clarke