Confessions.
The words spoken stung deep into Joans gut, a well deserved pain that hurt more then words could express. She felt the grip on her hand, nails digging in deep. She could see the anguish in Veras face, as the petite woman grew closer, spitting venom in her words. Those little hands were shaking in her own, nails digging deeper.
“I know.” A simple recognition. There was no reason to protest, to fight against it, when it was the truth.
Joan looked down from the deep blue eyes staring before her, pain in her eyes. It was burning a hole in Joans soul. She wanted to heal that pain, but didn't know how. God, if only she was good at showing her emotion, but she wasn't.
The Russian gripped Veras hand firmly back, trying to find the right words. Her mouth just moving with out a sound, lips slightly parted. Her one talent was wordplay, yet she found herself dumbfounded.
“I-I-I'm sorry. I know that isn't enough, and it can't change what I have done, but I am sorry.” She looked back up, those blue eyes still piercing through her.
“Sorry?” Vera spat mockingly. “You're sorry? You? I didn't know you knew what that was, or how it felt. Do you feel sorry?” Veras head tilted, lips trembling. “Or, are you just saying it because you think it is the right thing to say? Are you just mimicking because you honestly feel nothing, and you think that is what you are supposed to say? As if it would make everything better?”
Joan tilted her head to the other side, again, trying to find the right words. This was a delicate moment, and she couldn't lose this.
“I do feel something, I feel a lot, Vera.” The Governor spoke, looking back into the blue sea hues that begged before her, needing some kind answers.
“As I tried to tell you before, I do care for you. I have always wanted to be more then a mentor to you. I have cared deeply for you, for some time. You are more then just a coworker, or my deputy. You are more then just one who studies me.”
This is what Vera wanted to hear, to hear that Joan cared for her. She ached for it, pleaded for it. Yet, when she heard her Governor say it, she didn't get those butterflies in her stomach. They were suppressed by pain and confusion.
“You have cared for me for some time now? You cared about me when you refused to open the door when they had a needle to my throat?” Vera demanded.
“Yes.”
“Did you care for me when you quickly moved your hand for mine...in fear that you might be contaminated?”
“Yes.”
Vera couldn't wrap her head around it. If she was cared for so much, they why was she neglected, rejected, and cast out? The brunette moved her right hand slightly and loosened the hand, bringing it up slowly. Contemplating her next move, she swiftly moved it up, curling her fingers into a fist. Closing her eyes, she released her fingers, stretching them out, feeling the blood flow to her finger tips.
The deputys arm extended, fingers stretched out, slapping Joan across the face. Hard. Feeling the sting that her Governors skin left upon hers. She heard the marvelous sound of the slap, in a daze, she brought her hand down.
Joans face was forcefully pushed to the side, feeling the pain of her deputy slapping her across the face. Her right cheek burned, flushed red. Anger burned inside of her, but she controlled it.
Vera released her left hand, removing her digging nails, as she she stood. She began to pace, right hand on her hip, left on her mouth. Not able to withstand the burning tears that dripped from her eyes, onto her delicate cheeks.
“If you cared so much about me, then why the hell did you refuse to open the damn door? If you cared for me more then just a coworker, then why the fuck did you move your hand off mine as if my mere skin would hurt you?”
Vera spoke in a heated rage, voice raised.
“Do you know what you have done to me? I'm forever branded. I'm forever tainted. A danger to everyone.” She turned, wiping the tears form her eyes. “I'll never be loved. No one will ever love me, knowing this. I'm a danger to everyone, I'm a danger to you!”
Joan kept her composure, shoulders stood tall, black hair fell over her shoulders. She was a beauty.
“I couldn't open the door, Vera. I couldn't give into the demands of prisoners. There is no negotiating with them, you know that!”
She stood up, straightening her red shirt, brushing her hair behind her ears. Standing tall, she placed her hand upon her own hips.
“If they smell weakness, they go for it. The pack will pick us off one by one. If they knew that you were my weakness, you would forever have a target on your back when you walked the halls of Wentworth. Anyone who would want to hurt me, would hurt you to get to me.”
Joans arms formed across her chest, crossing them. She took a sharp breath in, walking closer to the younger woman, desperately wanting to heal her pain, to heal her.
“If I would have given in because you were on the line, then they would know.”
“Know what?” Vera backed away, but not far enough.
“Know that I have intimate feelings towards you.”
Vera put one hand over her mouth, trying to stop the sobs as tears forcefully fell again. Crossing her arm over her stomach, she felt a jolt of pain that fell through her. She wasn't able to catch her breath, it hurt so much. Yet, she felt so much love for the woman before her.
There was a moment of silence, as Vera took what was said to her in, trying to process it. Joan felt romantic feelings towards her? How could this be? She let the words of the one she loved bounce around in her head, finding logic in it, yet hating that it made since.
Vera started to fall to her knees as Joan moved swiftly, slightly gripping her deputys shoulders. Holding her as she fell to the ground.
“You would never be safe, Vera.”