Realization.
Vera stood at the door breathlessly. Door still creaked open, she looked through the slit in the door. There Joan stood, beautiful, tall, and those damn lips of hers. She could tell that Joan was freezing.
Her heart started to pound against her chest. Pain filling her stomach. She physically couldn't take anymore. Looking upon the woman she cared so deeply for, that shunned her. She wanted to reach out to her, yet the pain of knowing what would come slowly killed her inside.
“I don't think that is a good idea, Miss Ferguson.” She spoke sternly, Cold.
She tried to keep all emotions from revealing themselves on her face. But Joan could always read her like a book. Joan could see the pain in her eyes, the tear stains on those delicate cheeks.
“May I come in?” It was said as a question, but Vera new better. She knew that it wasn't. It was a demand. She wanted to fight against it, tell her to just go the hell away, but she couldn't. Everything in her wanted to just scream at her, yet she felt as though she was forced to comply, wanting to comply.
Vera took a sharp breath, and opened the door fully, allowing the Governor to enter her home. Joan grinned with delight. Pleased her deputy did as she was told.
As the tall woman walked herself in, Vera listened to the sound of her heels clanking against the hard floor. She couldn't help but to close her eyes as a small wiff of Joans hair filled her nose. How beautiful she smelled. And for a slight moment, she was taken away, amazed at the gracefulness, and the beauty of Joan. In awe of her scent that beckoned the younger woman.
Then the pain started to creep up again. It was all in her head and she was only torturing herself. She needed to let those feelings for Ferguson go. But she couldn't. She was attached, she was created and molded for her.
Vera closed the door behind Joan, as she slid off her own shoes by the door.
“Why are you here?” Vera said coldly.
She couldn't forget what Joan did to her, how it hurt her. She wasn't going to let her emotions cloud her judgment. That is what she was taught. Emotions are weakness. The Governor taught her everything she knew, made her who she was today, yet it was Joan who made her weak.
Joan turned on her heel, looking in the direction of the kitchen. “May I?” She gestured.
Vera simply nodded.
Joan walked to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of wine Vera had stashed in the fridge.
The Fridge was empty, Vera didn't do much shopping. The house was empty and quiet now that Rita was gone. There was something different in the air.
Joan poured to glasses of red wine, walking over to the couch, handing one to Vera.
Vera was in shock. First, Joan rejects her, then she shows up at her house, pouring wine. Acting as though everything was okay? She couldn't handle the rollorcoaster emotions. Either she had Joan or she didn't. She couldn't handle this. If she caved in, sat with her and it ended as though it did hours earlier, it would kill the brunette inside.
Yet she couldn't help herself. She felt powerless and lost without the tall, black haired woman. She felt like she needed her to breath, to stay a float. She was beckoned to her, a force stronger then herself, pulled her towards the woman. But her heart couldn't handle the back and forth.
“Joan, answer me.” She coughed, squeaked a little. “Why are you here?” Joan could hear the pain in her voice, see the anguish in her eyes.
Joan shifted on the sofa to comfort herself in silence before taking a sip of wine. She could just outright say, she needed her, that she needed to be near her. That she wanted her more then a friend, more then to mentor her. Yet, all she did was hurt her deputy. Without thought, without trying, she severely hurt the one thing that meant the most to her. She didn't know what to say.
“Dinner took an unexpected turn...for the worst tonight, Vera.”
“You don't say.” Vere shot back.
“It shouldn't have ended the way it did.” Joan took another sip of her wine, before patting the seat next to her. “Please sit with me.”
Shock struck Veras face, lips slightly parted. Pain in her gut made her want to fall to her knees, but she didn't.
“I can't go back and forth with you Joan. You humiliated me, You rejected me.” She said, her lips curling into a frown, trying to withhold her burning eyes. “You casted me out, after you manipulated and molded me into what you wanted.”
Joan just nodded, knowing it was the truth.
Vera finally complied and sat down, taking a generous gulp of the wine.
“How could you?” She said, referencing to more then one occasion. “It is me, Joan!” She said as her tears curved out of her eyes. “You couldn't open the doors for me? Then you reject me because of something that happened, due to you neglecting me when I needed you the most?” She spat with anger.
Vera sat up straight, wiping her tears, looking at Joan. “Nothing to say?” She said coldly, trying to wipe the emotions from her face.
Joan moved one hand forward, putting her right palm on Veras face, wine in her left. The feeling of the warmth under her palm made Joan ache inside for Vera. She had no words for her transgressions and the problems that she caused. She was lost when it came to comforting, or saying sorry. She had no idea how to express her feelings.
Vera closed her eyes, letting her face fall into the palm of her mentors hand, needing her touch, the feel of her cold fingers against her face. A small gasp escaped through the small slit of her parted lips.
Then the Brunette came to reality, moved her face up, lips trembling. Joan glided her hand down to Veras, running her fingers over the petite womans warm fingers that lay on her lap. She trailed her fingers over the top of Veras hand before moving her own hand under her deputys, bringing into her own. Holding it tightly.
“Aren't you afraid you might be contaminated?” Vera spoke condescendingly. Yet she loved the feeling of the womans hands on hers. Oh, god. The things Joan did to her, the feelings that ached within her. She let the tip of her fingers fold around the palm of Joans hands.
“Vera,” Joan cleared her throat, trying to find the right words. “I'm not good at saying sorry, or showing emotions. I'm not good at comforting, and i'm sorry for that. But I do.....I do regret what happened tonight.”
Vera gripped Joans hand tightly, conflicted on what to do. Her emotions were backwards. She felt hate, anger, love all at the same time. She looked into Joans eyes, making sure this was understood, as her hand gripped tightly, nails digging into Joans hand.
“I despise you." She paused, letting the words linger for a moment. " What you did to me, it was unforgivable. You abandoned me, neglected me, then rejected me. You acted as though it was my fault I have...” She trailed off, not even wanting to say it. “I wouldn't have this if you would have just opened the bloody door, yet you have the nerve to out cast me because of it?” She leaned in closer, her words were venum. “I hate you, Joan Ferguson. I fucking hate you.”