The Waiting Game
Elliot fidgeted uncomfortably on the bench, slowly exhaling the tobacco smoke that was inhabiting his lungs. He stared into the night sky, fingering the small white pill enclosed in the plastic that seemed to be burning a hole in his pocket. At this moment, Elliot wanted to give into his strong temptations and addiction driven thoughts because everything as of late was pointing in one direction and one solution. Take the drug. Every being in his body vibrated at the idea of finally giving in; finally allowing himself to take what he was depriving his body of. His cells longed for just a taste of morphine again, convincing a part of his brain that it would be worth it. Just one taste and that would be it. He had already built up a tolerance so it wouldn't matter. He would be fine. Everything would turn in his favor again if he just did one line. No matter what the voices in his head were saying, no matter what his urges dictated, he knew that morphine wouldn't help him.
Right now, the only thing holding him back was thinking about the repercussions of his actions. There were too many endless possibilities that could happen if he took the pill that nearly ruined his life several months earlier again. There was no way to predict an exact course of action that ended with him being healthy and happy. There was no algorithm that could help him with his human considerations. He had to figure it out himself but he knew he was too ill-willed and vulnerable to come up with something to even begin to help. He took another drag from his cigarette, looking at all of the people walking by. They were normal. They didn't have to worry about anything like this. Elliot wanted the illusion of normalcy, yearning to be like the rest of the herd. He just wasn't built for it; he wasn't installed with the software required to be normal. Was this how everyone reacted to being asked out? Jesus fucking Christ, he thought.
Angela sat down on the bench beside her friend, handing him an aluminum wrapped burrito. "I got your favorite."
"Thanks," he said barely above a whisper. Elliot had called Angela in his initial shock and hour of panic, displaying a literal cry for help that convinced her to drop her finance textbook and come over. Now that she was here she was trying to be the best friend that she could be considering the circumstances. He wasn't clear on the phone and she knew he would only be more cryptic in real life but it was worth a shot.
"You sounded really upset on the phone. What's been going on with you?" She wanted to sound less confrontational but there was no getting around being straight-forward when Elliot liked to deflect questions.
He looked at his burrito marked with the letter ‘C’ for chicken. Elliot wasn’t open for talking about feelings but Angela had come all this way just to make sure he was ok. Besides, he didn’t have a support system other than her so he had to talk to her. She was the only one. “I feel like I’m fucking suffocating, Angela. I just can’t do it anymore. Between the work load and the people…I can’t do it.”
She put her burrito down, lightly touching his shoulder for comfort. “Listen to me, Elliot, you can do this. You’re one of the smartest people I know and you’re going to be the best computer engineer ever. Don’t let the stress get to you because this is something you’re really good at. No matter what you may think or what your mom may tell you, you deserve to be happy and I’m here to support you 100% of the way.”
Elliot could sense the sincerity in her voice but as much as he wanted to believe Angela, his mind said otherwise. He could never imagine himself being happy but at least morphine helped with that momentary delusion. He threw his cigarette on the ground, stamping it out. He could feel himself wanting to go into another fit of crying but he had to resist it for now; that was reserved for home and his isolation from the rest of the world. He cleared his throat, hoping that would hold his tears back. “So how have you and Ollie been? I haven’t heard about him in a while.”
“We’re on a break.” She said, taking a bite out of her burrito. She didn’t like the sudden change in topic but she knew that it was for the best. They would talk about it later; it was too public here.
“You have awful taste in men.”
She scoffed. “It’s a part of dating until you find your soul mate, Elliot. You wouldn’t know because you never date anyone.”
“It’s not like people are trying to approach me either.” He said, unwrapping his burrito. In his own way, he tried to explain his feelings toward dating and sex without explicitly using the words ‘asexual’ and ‘aromantic’; regardless, Angela never fully understood that it meant he would close to never refer to someone as his partner.
“What about that one guy? What was his name…Tyrell?”
A tight knot formed in Elliot's stomach. The slightest mention of his name made him feel uneasy. It seemed like he could never get away from him, even in an offhanded comment by his best friend. He wished that he could go one night without speaking that fucker's name. He was the main source of his emotional anguish, though he didn't want to admit it; Elliot still felt like it was his fault for even entertaining the very idea of them being together-- friends or regardless. Suddenly his burrito didn't look all that appetizing. He recovered it. "What about him?"
"You haven't mentioned him in a while." she said, chewing her food, "actually, you haven't talked about him since I met him weeks ago. Has your plan been working?"
He briefly glanced down at his pocket. "It's been alright."
Angela frowned, sensing his obvious lie. "You know I hate when you lie, Elliot. So just tell me the truth."
A lump was forming in his throat. As much as he didn't want to lie to her, he didn't want to tell her any specific details about Tyrell Wellick. It was bad enough that he had gotten himself involved, he didn't want to bring Angela into the messy situation. There was a reason he stopped telling her about him after they met "coincidentally" that fatal night weeks ago. There was no telling what he was capable of, especially since Joanna neglected to tell him about his plan. He was running in blindly at this point. "Nothing's been happening." he sighed, "Except he....he asked me out."
She raised her eyebrows. "Woah. Woah. Woah. This is major information, Elliot. Why didn't you tell me?!"
He got up from his position on the bench, taking a sharp breath in. "It's not a big deal."
"Uh, Elliot, I think it a huge deal. This is the first time anyone has asked you out on a date. What did you say?" Angela was excited. This was the first time anything like this had happened. Though she knows he doesn't like Tyrell, she still wanted to know what his exact reaction was.
The excitement that Angela was displaying made his stomach flip. The very thought of being in a relationship with him want to throw up. He knew that she couldn't help herself because this was a first for him but that didn't make him any less queasy. "I said that I'd think about it." he put his hand in his pocket, gripping the sealed package.
"Why did you say you'd think about it?"
"I don't like him, Angela." he said bluntly.
"I know, but isn't this apart of your plan?"
He was silent, pulling out his pack of cigarettes, letting go of his small pill. She was right, but how far was he willing to go with his plan? What if there was nothing--absolutely nothing to blackmail him with? He would be stuck in a position that he couldn't get out of. He couldn't act like he would be complacent with being Tyrell's. There was no way in hell that he would go that far. He would never escape.
"Elliot, are you ok?" she didn't like the look he had on his face; it was unsettling at to say the least.
He put his lighter up to the cigarette with shaky hands. "I think I need help."