The One With the Mirror
Harry stared. Dumbledore grinned. Ron gaped. Hermione blinked. Sirius, Remus, Severus, and James cackled. Lucius and Draco Malfoy smirked. Lily tried to tune everyone else out.
Harry shook his head and sat down, legs and arms crossed.
"...Let me get this strait...," Harry started slowly. "He," he pointed to Snape, "is my real father and father is not my father but my mother. My mother is really not my mother and in essence I'm not related to her at all and through that I'm not related to Petunia, or in that matter Dudley."
"So far so good," Dumbledore said genially, smiling like only the truly insane could. Harry nodded and frowned thoughtfully.
"And to further confuse things, Mum and Dad are alive, Dad and Professor Snape are married, Mum is married to Sirius, and Remus is going out with Lucius, but I already knew that because one, no one knows how to keep a secret, and two, if you had walked in on them snogging you'd have come up with that conclusion too." Remus pouted and Lucius kept on smirking.
"That's correct as well, Harry." Dumbledore nodded benignly and went on to fascinate himself with a lemon drop. "Continue on." Harry frowned thoughtfully again, this time at a really gaudy looking gold mirror.
"Now you want me look into that mirror but you won't tell me why even though I've already guessed it because of the really long and really stupid name for it, which just happens to be The Shiny Glass Thinger That Reflects More Thingers But Not the Actual Thinger in Front of it and Shows the Original Thinger Another Thinger Which is Coincidentally the First Thinger's Soulmate ... Thinger." Dumbledore smiled brilliantly.
"Exactly! Any questions?" Harry paused.
"…so WHY was I sent to the Dursley's?"
There was absolute silence.