The One With the Love Letters
Tentative
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Dear Professor Snape,
I know you must be shocked to be hearing from me. I'm surprised I'm writing to you myself. I hope you're actually reading this, however I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if you had looked at the signature and thrown this letter into the fire.
At any rate, I hope you're sitting down as you read this next part so you don't keel over from shock. I'll get it out quickly so you can recover and have a proper gloat.
I need your help. That's right, I, Harry Potter, bane of your existence, need your help. I'd tell you not to laugh, but frankly, Sir, I've never heard you do so.
You probably know that I'm currently situated in St. Mungo's Mystery Ailments Ward. About a week ago we admitted a man with unusual symptoms. It wasn't anything we'd seen before and we couldn't find anything in the texts here at the hospital.
I did some outside research and found something that may be the cause. There's a list of symptoms on the second parchment and I was hoping you could give me a second opinion. I want to be absolutely certain about it before I brought out the bezoars, but it's the closest any of us have come to figuring it out.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Cordially,
Harry Potter
MW. H. Potter,
I don't know what in the seven hells made you think I was anything close to a trained Medi-Wizard. Fortunately for you, you had a moment of intelligence. A rarity indeed. To assume that I had any knowledge of your activities after and outside of Hogwarts is entirely bigheaded of you. I applaud your redundancy.
I do recognize the symptoms. It seems as though your patient is as much a fool as you are, perhaps even more so to have ingested such a potion. How he or someone else got their hands on it, much less the recipe is astounding in and of itself.
It is a little known poison called Aegri Somnia that fell out of favor little more than a century ago. It induces Dementor-like dreams that slowly steal the strength of the imbiber until they loose all strength to do much more than starve to death. Whoever gave it to him either held a nasty grudge, was very patient, or both.
The Dark forces found it too slow to use often, others felt it too easily cured. Although a highly potent and dangerous potion due to unfamiliar and general symptoms, its cure is inanely easy. A tablespoon of powdered bezoar in two cups carbonated water is all your patient needs to recover. He'll suffer from stomach cramps and mild nausea for the next week, however he should find himself better rested.
Do remember to warn him of the side effects, although I find it entirely possible that you would screw up even the simplest of tasks.
Severus Snape
Deputy Headmaster, Head of Slytherin House, Potions Master
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Professor S. Snape,
Need I remind you that I am a fully trained and certified Medi-Wizard and have been such for the past eight years. I know very much the side effects of the cures and medicines I give my patients and have not yet failed to warn any of them due to neglect. That one time was due entirely to vindictiveness and I've apologized already. Several times, in fact.
Nevertheless, I appreciate your assistance in this matter. I, and my patient, thank you. Should I need your assistance again (Merlin forbid) I hope I can call upon your expertise again.
Harry Potter
Senior Medi-Wizard, Healer First Class
Mystery Ailments Ward, St. Mungo's
Potter,
Your humor astounds me, truly. That you could think for even a moment that I would deign to help you set aside your pitiful concerns says little for your intelligence. That you managed to secure a position as Senior Medi-Wizard needing any such regular assistance from an uncertified Healer is astonishing in the very least. Rest assured this is a one time occurrence.
Although I should not be so surprised, I suppose. Your mental cognizance is minimal at best. It is only natural that you would require my assistance and need to utilize my superior intellect.
However, should you require my assistance again, I ask that you refrain and go somewhere else.
Severus Snape
(P.S.: Your wit is astonishing, or rather your incredible lack of it.)
Professor Snape,
The sheer size of your ego is what is astonishing. This is the first I've needed assistance from a source outside my circle of peers and colleagues. I would be very much grateful should this never happen again. Knowing my luck, however, this is doubtful.
I managed to secure my position in much the way you have likely secured yours: through dedication and endless hours of hard work. Do not assume that I have "flaunted my fame" to get where I am today. That's not why I became a Healer, and would go against all the vows I have sworn as such. The fact that you automatically lump me into the same category as when I was a child proves to me that you carry nothing but stubborn bitterness and a refusal to get over the past. As a professional Healer, that is highly unhealthy.
The fact that you've managed to insult my intelligence in nearly every paragraph of your letters is actually something I find rather amusing. I distinctly remember you being able to do so every sentence in my younger years. Have you found yourself running out of petrol, Professor? Please say it isn't so, I would so hate to see the day Severus Snape ran out of insults.
Harry Potter
(P.S.: And may it astonish forever.)
Epilogue: Letters Home
Dear Hermione,
Barcelona is absolutely gorgeous this time of year. Severus won't admit it, but he agrees with me. He keeps saying how relieved he is to finally be away from Hogwarts and I quote, "all of the snot-nosed pests running around attempting to make each of my days more horrible than the last." I can tell he doesn't really mean it, though. He's adorable when he frets, but don't tell him I said that.
I'm sending along a few trinkets I found in a Muggle-Wizard tourist shop. I know what you're thinking, "But Harry, it's your honeymoon! You should be enjoying it with Severus!" Trust me, Hermione, I'm enjoying myself very much, or should I say I'm enjoying him very much. Don't blush, you know you like the details. That's all you're getting from me though, lucky you. Anyway, I hope you like the things I've sent. Could you pass them around for me?
It's amazing how open the Muggles and Wizards are here. There are so many mixed stores and restaurants that I could barely get over my shock when we finally decided to leave the hotel room. (Oh, all right, I'll stop. Prude.) I guess the Statute of Secrecy doesn't apply all that much here. Severus scoffs at me whenever I tell him this, as though I should have known all along. Right. Sure, Sev, whatever you say.
One of these days I'm going to drag you and Ron out here and show you all of the things I've found. I've found a lovely little bookshop I know you'll just adore and a Quidditch Supply shop Ron will go nuts over. Apparently Barcelona is a huge Cannons supporter. Let him stew over that for a while.
I've got to wrap this up now. Severus is taking me out, but he won't tell me where. He says it's a surprise. Give my love to the kids and let me know how they like their gifts.
Speaking of kids, Hermione, I've got to talk to you when we get back.
Love From Barcelona,
Harry
(P.S.: It's a boy!)