Chapter 14
It was strange, Delphine thought as she sat on the bus, the other students looking at her strangely as though she didn't belong. In truth she didn't really, but it was the best way of getting to Cosima's. It wasn't a long ride, but it gave her time to think.
How long ago had she woken up after falling in practice, feeling completely changed? It felt like way more than a week. Looking down at her arm, she traced the silly drawing Cosima had scribbled across the red cast, a name that had been the only one on there until today. Her fingers moved to the GO PANTHERS Krystal had taken care in writing, each bubble letter capped with a sparkle in the corner, and the carefully sequined Get Well Alison had done during last period. She was glad to have at least a bit of normalcy added to the insane topsy turvy ride she'd been on.
Since falling, she'd seen so many things in a different light. Paul. Her friends. Cosima. She'd had so many dreams since then. Dreams of the future… or fantasies… whatever they were. She remembered the joy she felt in her dream, loving Cosima… being loved by Cosima. It called to her like a siren, luring her in with a sense of completion.
And Paul, how a future with him had felt so desolate, leaving her hollow and broken. The nightmare she'd had last night had been the worst, a future with Cosima twisting into a future with Paul. With Cosima dead… she felt the pinch of tears in her sinuses, not wanting to even think of such a thing.
What would the world be like without Cosima? A ghost of what seemed to be a memory came to her, looking into Scott's eyes, aged by time and filled with sadness and regret. Looking at her hands, she could feel the weight of a pamphlet in them. A photo of Cosima and Scott, feeling a nostalgic yet heartbreaking pull.
With a shake of her head, she shook away the imagery. She had to stop doing that. She had to stop lingering on fallacies and she had to focus on school, get back on the track she'd slipped off of with the whole Paul and Cosima fiasco. She needed to let her arm heal so she could maybe rejoin the squad in time for basketball season.
Delphine sighed softly as she stepped down from the bus, pulling the hood of her hoodie up over her head even as the rain began to soak into the material. It was definitely getting colder as fall began to edge towards winter. It didn't take long, her destination just a few blocks from the bus stop, and she found herself looking up at the two story house tucked in the row of houses, packed in tight.
Climbing the stairs, she was glad when she was under the roof of the front stoop as she knocked quickly. Cosima hadn't been anywhere at school and when she'd tried to call, there was no answer. There was a sliver of worry hidden behind her childish glee as she remembered the press of soft lips against her own, the brush of forbidden fingers that lingered on her waist where her shirt met her jeans.
She'd never felt so alive. Not in all the time of dating Paul. With Cosima, she could feel fire on fingertips, a searing desire she looked forward to exploring more of , the feel of soft fingertips lingering against the bare flesh of her hip where her shirt met her jeans.
The door opened suddenly, revealing a disheveled looking brunette.
"Cosima!" Delphine smiled, pushing the hood of her hoodie back. "Are you alright? You weren't in school. I…" She leaned forward for a hug only to have the brunette step back.
"Don't." Cosima spoke shortly, jerking away.
Freezing, Delphine pulled back in shock. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" Cosima repeated. "You lied to me."
Delphine blinked in confusion. "What?" she tried to think back on their conversations, tried to detect any possibilities of what the problem could be. Where had she lied?
Without saying a word, Cosima lifted the book that had gone unnoticed.
Her eyes settling in the book, Delphine felt a cold chill run down her spine, all the air being sucked from her lungs as she recognized the journal. She remembered the other morning, waking up and scribbling away in it, recording a dream that was almost completely forgotten. About a future with Paul. A nightmare of a world without Cosima present. The more she thought about it, the more fragments of memories came back to her.
"Now you have nothing to say?" Cosima scoffed. "Cause you seemed to have a lot to say in here."
She had bright it to school to show Scott for some reason. She was having difficulty pinning down the reason why but she definitely didn't show it to Cosima. "Where did you get that?"
"This?" Cosima held the book up. "You left it in my room yesterday. Tell me how you're supposed to…" Flipping open the book, she let her finger trace the page before looking up, "save Cosima."
Save Cosima. Delphine took a step back. "I… I can explain." It had been a dream, hadn't it? Just a dream. The sound of applause echoed through her ears, a memory of Paul looking up at her from across the room, both of them touched by decades of hostility. Delphine Cormier-Dierden, words ghosted past her ear in memory and she shook her head.
"Oh I think it's pretty self-explanatory. This has Shay's name in it, Delphine. I just told you about her yesterday." There was anger in her eyes. Anger and despair. "There is no explanation for this except that you're fucking crazy."
"Cosima… non." Delphine stepped forward, frowning when Cosima stepped back again. "Please, Cosima. I can…"
"I want you to leave."
Delphine froze, filling with fear. "Cos…"
"Now." Cosima's nostrils flared and her eyes were narrowed behind the dark frames.
The memory of a dream turned bad came to Delphine, renewing her resolve. "I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me." Delphine stood in the doorway.
"Fine." Before Delphine could stop her, Cosima ducked around the tall form, escaping the confrontation in spite of the rain.
"Cosima!" Delphine quickly followed her, not even bothering to pull the hood back over her hair. "Where are you going?"
Cosima snorted. "Anywhere but here." She followed the brick path that cut across the small lawn and would eventually lead to the garage. "Anywhere you're not."
Delphine growled in frustration as she pulled Cosima to a halt. "Cosima, stop. Talk to me, please. Let me explain."
"What's the point? So you can feed me your bullshit?" She shook her head, the rain soaking through her dreads, dripping down her face and clouding her glasses. "I don't need this shit, Delphine." She tilted her head back, letting the rain swallow her. She could feel her anger washing away, leaving just the emptiness of betrayal. With a heavy sigh, she turned away, intent on heading back to the house. "I wanted to trust you." Her voice was almost a whisper. "I did trust you and you just…" She turned away. She didn't want Delphine to see her cry, didn't want her to know how much it hurt as she walked away.
Watching Cosima walk away, seeing the defeat in her shoulders, it was the worst thing she had ever felt in her life. "Cosima, please. I love you!" The words slipped from Delphine's mouth on instinct, not thought out like they should have been. They were premature yet could never have been said soon enough.
Cosima froze, her shoulders rigid.
Delphine felt like her heart was attempting to burst through her chest as she stepped closer. "Please, Cosima. Look at me." Resting her hand on Cosima's shoulder, she felt her flinch. There was a silence that descended on them, nothing but the sound of rain hitting pavement and the beat of her heart. Delphine could hear her own heartbeat over the drops, pounding against her eardrums, at her desperation.
"I don't even know who you are." Cosima's voice was hoarse and strained as she shook her head. Turning, her eyes were bright red, no doubt tears mingling with the rain streaking down her face. Her whole body trembled as she rose the journal. "This is insane!"
"I know!" Delphine stepped into her space. Instead of reaching for the book again, she capture Cosima's cheek in her hand, her thumb wiping away a tear. "I wish I could explain it to you, but I can't. I swear I never meant to hurt you… whatever I wrote in the book... I don't even remember the details…" When Cosima gave her a disbelieving look, she felt like she wanted to scream. "It's fucking insane and I don't even know who I am anymore." Delphine took a shuddering breath, realizing how true it was. Was she a teenager? Was she some shadow of a person in the future, bound to Paul? Or to Cosima? "I don't know anything anymore, but I know that I love you."
"Stop saying that!" Cosima pulled away. "You don't get to lie to me and then suddenly tell me you love me." Her voice cracked as she took a step back, lifting the book. "How do I know anything you're saying isn't just some stupid plot to try to save my life? What the hell does that even mean?"
"Fuck the book, Cosima." Delphine snatched the book away from her, the pages turning a muddled blue as ink mixed with rain that continued to fall on them. Looking down, she could feel the emotional exhaustion as she watched as letters turned into clouds of ink, her memories seeping and spreading thin. With a confused look, she let the book fall from her fingers, looking up to see Cosima looking down at it. It was just a dream. Her mind told her. How foolish had she been to worry about something like the future when faced with the present. "It's nothing, Cosima. Just a dream…," as she spoke, her words were filled with doubt… uncertainty, "just…" She shook her head, an emptiness growing inside her.
She needed to fix this. She couldn't stand the distance between them. "Cosima…" Delphine stepped closer to her, feeling a spark of hope growing in the emptiness when she didn't move away. "Mon amour." Delphine spoke the words as she reached up, wiping away another tear. The words felt strange on her tongue, having never said them to anyone before, not even to Paul. "Je t'aime à la folie." She could see the confusion and she couldn't stop the small smile from touching her lips. "I love you so much, you drive me crazy."
Cosima blinked away the rain. "What about all that shit about saving me?"
"Save you?" Delphine scoffed. "You saved me." She felt tears burning her own eyes. "You have become the cornerstone of my life, the turning point. You are the root of all that is good in my life." Even as she said it, she could feel the truth in the words.
Cosima's brows furrowed, but she didn't resist when Delphine pressed their lips together. She didn't care that they were outside, that anyone could see them. She didn't care about the mess of paper and ink that lay at their feet. All she cared about was the soft lips that responded to the kiss and the hands that settled on her lips, feeling Cosima push herself up to her toes to deepen the kiss.
Delphine felt the tears stinging her own eyes as she wrapped her good arm around Cosima's waist, breaking off the kiss with a gasp. She pressed her forehead against's Cosima's, her breath ragged with emotion. "I'm sorry, Cosima. Please forgive me."
Cosima swallowed before nodding. "I don't know what's going on with you, but…"
"What the shit!" A voice called from the house.
Cosima and Delphine both jumped, pulling apart quickly. It was Cosima who yelled back, "Sarah! Go fuck yourself!"
"Can you two not do that in the bloody front lawn like it's a god damn romcom?" Sarah called out, looking around to see if anyone on the street was paying attention. "Get your gay asses in here." She called out a little more discreetly.
Cosima couldn't help but laugh as she slipped her hand into Delphine's, intertwining their fingers as she pulled her towards the house.
Delphine couldn't stop herself from casting one last look at the notebook that was face down in a small puddle.