Fingers Crossed
“Griffin.” He nods in the direction of his office again. It’s strange he could just tell her what he wanted in the hall. No one really listened or cared. This must be incredibly personal to him. Though she had picked up on that when the green eyed wonder cut her off and Dr. Washington - Nyko she had called him - allowed it. Clarke was always curious as to how that was pronounced. He tried to comfort her and the walls just went up Clarke could almost see the bricks stack on top of each other to surround the woman.
Something about Ice Girl - Lexa - Alexandra - whatever- seemed more like a child with Dr. Washington, like he had seen her grow up. Especially when she complained about having to ‘gown up’ as her boss so put it. He never says that but their interaction was adorable, this girl was so cute and hurt and all Clarke wanted to do was give her a hug.
How is she going to do this? She could hardly handle the girl in a sports bra. It was all she could do to keep her jaw from the floor. These exams are pretty, um, in depth sometimes. He clears his throat and brings Clarke’s thoughts back a second time. “If you couldn’t tell, I’m close to this. I’ve known Lexa a long time.”
“Sir, you don’t have to explain.” Or threaten me.I know already.
“Good. Just be gentle. She’s been through a lot. Talk through it that usually makes it better.” I know how to do an exam, Doctor. I have better bedside manner then just about every doctor in this place, attendings included. “She’ll lie. She wants to get back so badly but listen to her body. It still betrays her. Let me know when you are done with imaging.”
“Yes sir.” How hard could this be? Not like you’ve had a massive crush on her for weeks or anything. Clarke spins on her heal and walks out of his office. She thinks she might hear a sigh but gives her boss privacy. She likes this side of him, its gentle compared to his usual hard demanding demeanor.
As she approaches Exam 1 she forces herself to take a deep breath. The backs of her knuckles tap the door twice as she enters. Lexa is sitting on the table feet dangling off the edge and hands planted at the sides of her hips. “Captain Woods.” Clarke gets some hand sanitizer from the wall and starts to move into her job.
“You can call me Lexa.” The woman’s face is void of most the girl from the gas station, the mask appearing hard instead of the usual lack of emotion, and Clarke wishes she would come back. That little crooked smile makes her day. “I guess you know what the ice is for now.”
“I was always curious.” She smiles as she slides over to her on the rolly-stool. It always makes her feel like such an official doctor. “Do they help?” There is no way in hell she should be working out hard enough to need all of those ice baths, absolutely no way.
“A little.” The corners of her mouth curve up slightly in the usual smile Clarke is slowly realizing is pretty fake and forced. She just quirks her eyebrow up at her patient, really? The girl breaks their eye contact for a moment and her chin pulls to her shoulder. “Ok, no. They don’t. But spare me the lecture, ok? I know. I just needed to feel something like who I was…” The girl doesn’t snap, her words don't bite, but are softly uttered. Clarke knows she never thought she would say them aloud. She’s surprised at the honesty, the pure vulnerability of the moment, and that is more then a little heartbreaking. She is hurting. She is hurting a lot. “Please don’t tell Nyko.”
“I won’t. You just need to take care of yourself.” She puts a hand on the girl’s bare knee and gives it a small squeeze. “You’re still the same person, injuries don’t change that.”
“It is more then just injuries.” She admits and even still Clarke has worked with enough athletes and vets to know that an injury can do all kinds of things to a person’s mind without the ways she imagines this girl’s came about. “You didn’t know me before. You hardly know me now.” Shit you’re right, but I’d love to change that. She looks down at the doctor with that same half smile that’s so tender and so sad but trying to pretend she isn’t. Clarke just wonders how something so soft can tear at her heart with such force.
“You have a point.” She concedes with a nod and allows her hand to slide off the girls knee. And moves to grab the blood pressure cuff and slides her stethoscope from around her neck. “What d’you say we get this stuff done so you can get out of here and on your way?” she smiles. A full year of invasive treatments and procedures and checkups was probably pretty rough on the woman’s ego.
“Yeah, sure.” The girl moves her arm to help with the adding of the blood pressure cuff. She is a really helpful patient even if Clarke can tell that she doesn’t tell the whole truth about what hurts or how her back is feeling when she moves behind her and presses around the injury and the incision. The tattoo on her back is intricate and beautiful and used to cover up so many scars. Clarke just wants to run her fingers over and trace the lines, press her lips to each spot she was once torn open. GRIFFIN ENOUGH!
Clarke taps on her knees checking the reflexes, the injured one reacts a little slower but that’s expected. She checks another scar on the side of her calf, a compound fracture. She slides her hand up the girls thigh pushing the paper shorts up just enough to check the bullet still beneath the girls skin. Lexa’s leg flexes at the touch tensing in the proximity of Clarke’s hand who has to tell her to relax so she can feel the bullet. When she does the blonde’s mind shifts from it’s medical position for a moment - she is only human and this girls skin…Her skin is so smooth, and warm, and tan… CLARKE! God damn it. Keep it together. She has the girl stand and do all the touching her toes business among other things.
She gives the brunette a gentle smile and pats the bed. “Ok, Lexa, go ahead and lay back.” The girl hops up and spins sideways rustling the paper beneath her and puts her head on the pillow. She is so stiff and part of Clarke knows that it’s not just because she is here. Lexa doesn’t seem like the type that is fond of the doctor but she doesn't seem like to the kind to be afraid of them, or anything really, either. Why would she be? Most of the last year has been them telling her she can’t do things. Them poking and prodding and checking over and over just to give her the same news. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
She lets Clarke check her knee and hip again and her shoulder. This girl has so many holes in her. She gulps knowing the last two are just above a rather intimate place and the third is on her thigh which she has to check again in a different position. She leaves Lexa’s side a moment to roll over the ultrasound machine. She turns on the sink with warm water and places the jell in a small bath so it can warm up. Her mother showed her the trick.
“I’m going to check your abdomen.” She says as she returns to the bed where Lexa lays with her hands stiffly at her side. She only offers a nod as she pulls up the gown to expose her stomach. Clarke can’t tell if the silence is nice or not but the air is tense and seems to be trapped in the brunette’s lungs. She presses her hands into Lexa’s firm torso and taps her fingers on the back of it. The upper three regions are fine but as she works lower the girl stiffens and begins to quiver, but only a little - Clarke almost hadn’t caught it.
Clarke steels a glance up at the patient who is staring wide eyed at the sealing. Her chest rising and falling slowly with a tiny shake as her jaw clenches and releases as she grinds her teeth down. No. This is most defiantly not about me. She removes her hands and replaces the front part of the gown to cover her belly back up.
“Hey,” she rolls up so she is closer to the girls head who turns to look at her. “are you ok?”
Her jaw flexes again as her gaze returns to the sealing hard and stubborn in attempt to push past her fear. “Lets just get this over with.” A lot of young women don’t like even superficial exams but this is different and that’s not happening today. Something is very off.
“No, hey, look at me.” She does her eyes lock to Clarke's as she softly speaks to her. “I’m just going to use the ultrasound to check your injury. You’ll be covered and I won’t go any lower then I need to. Then I’ll check your heart with the ultrasound but I can do that under the gown. I don’t really need to check your thigh. Seemed fine. Then I’ll take some blood and we will be done with this part and I’ll get you up to imaging, ok?”
She nods again swallowing past what Clarke guesses is a very dry mouth. A woman of few words this one. “Thank you.” The words done even come out though she just moves her mouth. Clarke puts he hand on her upper arm and gives it a slight squeeze. Any time. She gets the now warm jell and squirts it on the newly exposed stomach.
“Ok, Lexa, I need to pull your shorts down a little so I can see your GSW’s.” She moves her hands and the girl fights off tremors. She wiggles the waistband down and stops just short of exposure. She grabs the ultrasound and starts to move it in the jell. “Just making sure everything’s healed up. I know you know, but we want to make sure the round we had to leave in hasn’t moved or anything.”
She sees another nod further up the table. Its a few minutes before Clarke is done. “Ok. Everything is looking good.” She moves the shorts back up and replaces the gown on the girls exposed abdomen after wiping it with a towel. She can visibly see Lexa relax. The quivering subsides. What did they do to her? No, Clarke. That’s none of your business.
The next ultrasound is easier even if she is hindered by the cloth above it. She wants to allow Lexa all the privacy and comfort she needs. Her heart looks like it’s all healed up as well, its beating strong, minimal scar tissue in the pericardium. Lexa doesn’t even seem to care about her blood being drawn. Clarke is good at it, she’s been giving I.V’s since high school, but its almost like this girl is too far in her own mind to even notice. “Alright. We’re finished here. Imaging is down this way.” She stands and holds the door open.
“Thanks.” She says as she walks past and waits on Clarke to clear the door to catch up.
“I never got a chance but.. Thank you, for what it’s worth. Thank you for serving and thank you for putting your life on the line to keep us safe over here.”
“Oh, it’s nothing.” The girl rubs the back of her neck as they walk together. "It's worth it." It must be a nervous habit because she did that in the gas station too when her cheeks turned pink. “Just doing my job.” And Clarke knows that she means it. Some guys say that to seem all cool or whatever but not her. The humility is sincere and real and maybe a little too big but it looks good on her.
“I know. I just wanted to say.. Welcome back.” She wants to give the girl a hug so badly as her eyes open slightly in shock growing slightly wetter for a second. No one ever says that, Clarke knows, thank you’s are normal enough but that… She sees the girl swallow a lump in her throat and she goes to say thank you but the words just don’t come out. They don’t have too.
She gets her set up in the machine and waits as the pictures of her back are slowly taken. Clarke really hopes that this girl has made more progress then they expect. She seems to have at least. She deserves better, so much better. Whoah, where is that coming from?
//
Lexa lays still in the loud machine thinking of Dr. Griffin’s tenderness with her. She really was good. Nyko was right. She was thankful for that. Most doctors didn’t even pay enough attention to notice what was going on. She did and she didn’t make her feel bad about it she just accepted it without asking any questions.
Then she had said thank you with such a genuine understand understanding and true meaning and Lexa was grateful for that. Sometimes when people thank her it just seems wrong or forced or for a show. Like a thank you for being tortured. Sometimes even it feels like she doesn't deserve it. Like she hasn't done enough. She knows it’s not meant like that at all and she appreciates the gesture but it still seems wrong in her head. But not from Clarke. Then the she said welcome back and Lexa almost broke down right then and there. Sure Nyko and Anya had welcomed her back but they were practically family and it was more from her long stent of unconsciousness then from her tour. This women didn’t know her at all, she wasn’t some news person trying to get a story out of her or someone in awe of her “heroism”, she was just a girl offering comfort she didn’t know was needed.
The final loud buzz rattles in her ear before Dr. Griffin comes on over the intercom. “Ok. Lexa. All set.” the table she is on slides slowly from the opening from the machines and the pillows and stuff holding her in place are removed. The doctor helps her up to her feet with soft, soft, hands and an even gentler smile. A gorgeous smile framed by golden waves falling from her bun.
“So, you’re a doctor and a gas station attendant?” She asks regaining her lost composure from earlier. It earns a chuckle from the blonde as they walk back to the exam room. Her eyes light up and her bright white teeth peak from under her pink lips. Damn that’s cute.
“Yeah and sometimes an EMT. Gotta pay off med school. Its just part time. When I’m not here I’m sleeping or there. Sometimes sleeping there and trying not to sleep here.” She laughs again Lexa finds herself laughing slightly with her. The deep circles below the blonde’s eyes disappear for a moment.
“Yeah, I’ve been there.” She remembers all the late nights and early mornings when she was at West Point or on one of her tours. Even in high school. Most her life really if she thought about it. “Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.” You seem too special not too. Running on 4 hours of sleep a night - sometimes less- isn’t sustainable. She knows that as well as anyone.
“What about you? Those ice baths, I know you don’t want a lecture but you’re working out harder then you should. Light activity is walking at incline on a treadmill or biking easily.”
“I’m fine. They do help a little. With the muscles. Not with the other. Which honestly is fine. Lifting doesn’t hurt bad or when I play against the girls some or in other workouts.” She assures her doctor who just raises an eyebrow at her fairly accurately calling bull shit. Quick, change the subject. “I’m helping coach basketball at SU and working the range at the base until I get cleared. I’m hoping I do today.”
“Well, Captain, I hope you do too. Your tests today all looked good but those waivers are hard to get sometimes as I’m sure you know.” She smiles again. Lexa wants to see that smile more often instead of the half one she gets the nights at the gas station behind way too tired eyes.
“Yeah. Fingers crossed and all that.” She finds herself genuinely smiling at the blonde as they walk back into the exam room. Nyko is already waiting. “Dr. Griffin says I’m looking good.” That may have come out wrong. She feels her cheeks redden, good thing Clarke is at her back.
He grabs the images from the girl and takes a look for himself. “Lex, I know you're hopeful but try not to get them up too high.” She just nods to him as he studies the images against a light. “Wow. You are further along then I thought. These do look good, kiddo.”
Her chest loosens up and she feels like she can breathe for the first time in awhile. “How good are we talking?” She looks at Clarke and smiles, hope exploding in her chest that felt so empty this morning. Those bright blue eyes are so soft and welcoming her throbbing heart melts a little under the bright blue gaze.
“We’re talking clearance to start training. Though you have been doing some of that apparently.” He smiles at her, really smiles. He isn’t comforting his broken ‘little sister’ anymore. He gets to give her something she wants instead of just more bad news. “It’ll be another month or so before I can review this again and see if your ready for active duty but it’s a start. It’s a start.”
She is beaming from ear to ear and she can’t help it. The no emotion thing has been a little hard today and last night. “I can’t promise you will get cleared even then but there is a chance now. Lexa, you have a chance.” She jumps into his arms and they surround her slight frame so easily she almost disappears. He presses a kiss to the top of her head. To hell with professionalism. “Congrats, Kiddo. I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you, Nyko.” He lets her go and she steps back regaining her composure.
“Don’t thank me. You're the one doing all the hard work.” He laughs. “I just tried to keep you in one piece and make sure you didn’t ruin any of my handy work.” His beeper goes off at his hip and he checks it in annoyance. “I’m sorry but I’ve got to go. Let’s celebrate tonight. Go tell Anya and we’ll set something up for dinner or something.”
“Yeah, it’s been too long.” She just nods the last time the three of them had gotten together was in a hospital or when the two of them were trying to talk some sense into her or get her talking. Her body may be on the mend but her mind is lagging some days.. and most nights. She always caught the looks Anya and Nyko shared around her, hopefully those will stop finally. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“Sounds like a plan. Griffin get her set then come find me.”
The blonde just nods, her smile vaguely on her lips. “Yes, sir.” She turns to Lexa now that her boss is out of the room. “I’m so happy for you.” You hardly know me but man I’d love if you did. “Get changed then I’ll get you taken care of so you can get out of here. I bet you don’t like hospitals much, huh?”
“Nah, I don’t mind them. I was basically raised in them.” Clarke's eyes flicker in sympathy. Oh, oh. She thinks I was a sick kid or something. “No, not like that. My dad was a Navy Doc. We moved around a lot but the hospitals were all basically the same. They feel a little like home when I’m not being being bothered by doctors.” She sees the woman’s shoulders drop. “I mean it’s not so bad when the doctor happens to be a cute blonde.” Oh my god that did not just come out of my mouth. What the fuck is wrong with me!?
The girls cheeks grow pink and Lexa’s own are burning, the tips of her earls feel like they have been set on fire. “I’m sorry. That just kind of slipped out.”
“No it’s ok. My days are easier when I have ice bath enthusiasts for patients.”
“Does that happen often?” She quips with a smile. What, no way is this girl into her. Well maybe.
“Sometimes. I work this other gig where we get them all the time.” She waves her hand through the air. Oh. Lexa drops her head in disappointment. She must help out with the sports medicine. The hospital dose take care of the pro-teams and a lot of the local Colleges… “Especially this one really good looking brunette with the softest crooked little smile. I get to see her like three times a week.” The doctor takes a step closer putting her hands in the pockets of her white coat and tilting her head to the side amused at the brunette’s initial disappointment. She means you. You idiot. The blush spreads to her ears again and her palms start getting clammy.
“Yeah?” Could today get any better?
“Yeah. I wouldn’t even mind making house calls. We have a pretty good ice machine here. Hate to see it go unused.” She steps out the door leaving Lexa to change and think about what the hell just happened. Did she just..?
Lexa changes in a hurry and tosses the gown and shorts into the trash bin before she steps out of the exam room. Her watch says its already 10:45. The blonde has her back to her bent over the nurses station talking to a slender man with darker skin.
“Hey” She hates to interrupt. It sounded like she was helping him with something.
“Oh, hey.” She stands and turns to face her with another bright smile. Her hair has fallen a bit from her messy bun and more golden curls frame her face. “You’re all set to go. I checked you out and everything. Dr. Washington said he would set up your next appointment.”
“A-are you Captain Woods?” The man asks excitedly and Lexa only nods. “Wow. It’s an honor to meet you.” He extends his hand and she meets it with a hand shake. “You were a real hero, you know that? Taking out an entire camp and saving all our guys.” She feels herself put the walls back up. Not all of them, not enough. The fake smile comes out as she just stands there and takes the praises. She hates this.The real heroes died, I just got lucky. “I’m Jackson by the way.”
“Nice to meet you Sir.” She looks to the blonde quickly who is just watching her as if she can see through the concrete bunker she always retreats too. She has to get out of there. “Dr. Griffin.” She nods a good bye and turns on her heel walking to leave the hospital back to the privacy of her car.
//
“Jaxon you idiot!” She slaps him with the back of her hand in his shoulder. Pretty hard too.
“Ouch. That hurt.” Good. Jack ass. “What? Don’t you know who that is? She is like a legend. First female Green Beret. She saved like 50 guys from a POW camp after being tortured herself. She even carried some out on her back and kept going back for more after breaking her leg. Rumor has it she-”
“She is a human-being and my patient. AND” She glares at him “she still is a hero, the fact that she got injured doesn’t change that.” She pokes him hard in the chest and his hand reaches up to cover what’s probably going to bruise. “You need to mind your own god damed business.” She starts to walk away but decides to teach her friend a lesson. Wheeling around with a fury that’s incapable of being contained. “Oh, and the thing about real heroes, Jackson? They never think they are. So use your fucking head next time and try not to talk to someone about the literal hell they went through to keep us safe like it’s a made for TV movie. Show some respect for Christ’s sake.”
She storms off after Lexa. She isn’t alright and something in Clarke has to make that better. Today was supposed to be a good day and her friend had just ruined that for her. She had really really needed today, Clarke could just tell. Or at least she thought she could. She didn’t know Lexa or anything about her really, but for some reason she was sure she knew this.
A tall brunette turns a corner and Clarke just catches it out of the corner of her eye. She’s heading to the parking lot quickly. She can’t help but speed her walk to a jog so she makes sure she catches the fleeing soldier. She reaches the girl just as she starts to open the door. Reaching out Clarke puts a hand on her arm. “Hey.” Lexa immediately stiffens at the contact and pulls her arm away. Clarke releases her light grip and takes a step back to give her some space. “Hey, I’m sorry about him. He is a real ass sometimes and you didn’t deserve it - you don’t deserve that.”
Those green eyes just stare back at her her mouth hanging open for a moment in surprise before she catches herself and slides back behind the mask. “It’s fine. I get that a lot.”
“No. It’s not fine. People are inconsiderate, disrespectful.”
“Dr. Griffin, I appreciate your concern but I am perfectly capable of handling myself. That wasn’t the first time and it certainly won’t be the last.”
“I’m sure. I just wanted to make sure that jack ass didn’t ruin your day. And it’s Clarke. You can call me Clarke.”
“Well, Clarke.” God the way the k rolls off her tongue.. Clarke wants to hear nothing else, except maybe her laugh. She smiles finally for a moment as if considering the way her name felt on her tongue before the mask goes right back up. “Thank you but it’ll take a lot more then that to ruin my day. I don’t break so easy.” Liar. She’s fully retreated and that wide bright smile has disappeared already behind her mask. Sure she hadn’t broken but that wasn’t what this was about. Not at all.
“I never -“ meant it like that. I didn’t say you were weak. You have to be the farthest thing from it, don’t you see that? Clarke knew she didn’t. God you vets are fucking difficult. “I’m sorry.” She takes another step back from the girl who she was still standing rather close to. “Now would probably be a bad time to ask you if you wanted to get coffee sometime then…” Shit, Griffin. What you say that for? Not cool.
“No. You can ask. I just can’t guarantee the answer.” The girl smirks back -this one is a smart ass- and that makes Clarke’s stomach do funny things all over again.
“So, do you want to get coffee sometime?” The girl just shrugs and winks before turing away. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!? Seriously!? What a dick move. Clarke turns back and is pushing the heavy door with a huff when she hears footsteps behind her.
“Clarke! I’m sorry.” The girl is blushing again and her eyes seem so light. Clarke can’t help but instantly forgive her. “I don’t know why I did that. I’d love to get coffee with you sometime.” She takes out her phone, quickly unlocks it and hands it to Clarke. “Send yourself a text. I really don’t want to have to ask Nyko for your number.”
“Yeah, lets avoid that.” Clarke chuckles as she puts her number in and sends the text. She is more then sure her boss would not be pleased but she can’t make herself care -a at all- because finally Gas Station Hottie wouldn’t be a mystery anymore.
“Text me later. I’m free tomorrow if you are.” Something about the forwardness is endearing. “I have to go, but I’ll be looking forward to your text. Ball’s in your court, Doc.” She winks and Clarke thinks her heart is going to jump right out of her chest. Most people play the aloof game or the it happens when it happens stuff and it usually never does. This girl is different in a lot more ways then one and so far Clarke lov- likes - likes every single one. Shit.