The Truth is in Your Eyes (And It's Hanging on Your Tongue)
When Clarke woke up, headache pounding, she remembered the events of yesterday much sooner than she would have liked to. She turned her head towards the sound of shuffling, finding Octavia seated on the floor if her tent, putting on grounder makeup . It reminded her of Lexa, but to be fair, everything reminded her of Lexa. The outlines of trees that could be seen inside her tent, her sleeping bag that matched the brunette's eyes, the pain in her neck from sleeping wrong. Anywhere she looked she saw her, and that made Clarke want to squeeze her eyes shut, block it all out, but she figured that then she'd really be able to picture her mate. So instead, she mumbled a quiet 'Morning' to O, in hopes of distracting herself.
The younger Blake turned around, face lighting up as she saw her. "Oh, hey, I was just gonna get us some breakfast. Want to come?" She asked.
Clarke very much did not want to come; in fact she hadn't planned leaving the warmth of her blankets all day, deciding to let someone else play leader for once. She knew that'd make Lexa disappointed, and that was exactly why she'd chosen to do it. Or maybe that was why it was so hard for her to go through with it, why she ended up saying yes to Octavia. (She told herself it was just because she needed painkillers from the infirmary anyway.)
(She was a liar)
The two waited in line, bright sun glaring down at them as Octavia was telling an elaborate story about how much Clarke snores that resulted in the blonde insisting that she did not, in fact, snore at all.
"So," The brunette began sarcastically, "which of the lovely options are you going to go for? I'm thinking panther intestines, you know, for protein."
Clarke looked up at the choices and sure enough, both soups were pale, unnatural, and quite frankly disgusting, shades that smelled nowhere near as good as they looked. She directed her vision back to O who merely winked. "Dont worry," she whispered, "Bell swears that they aren't half bad. Not that he has good taste." She jokes, eyes turning to Murphy at the last sentence. The implication was so rude that it pulled a chuckle out of the blonde, which quickly turned to the real kind of laugh that hurts your stomach and leaves tears in your eyes. Octavia joined in, gasping for air by the time Murphy reaches them. The rest of their friends arrive, looking only mildly terrified by the uncontrollable giggles erupting from the two.
"Glad to see you're still in good spirits." Raven's voice instantly snaps Clarke back to reality. She looks at the mechanic, who is all limp hair and under eye bags, and almost doesn't recognize her. The blonde opens her mouth, maybe to apologize or maybe just to stop this new silence, but the words catch in her throat and Raven speaks for her as she pushes to the front of the line. "Dont let me stop your fun, I never have before."
Clarke sighs and leaves the line without getting her food, sitting on a nearby log. It seemed unlikely that Raven was ever going to forgive her. She couldn't blame the mechanic, but it still hurt. Her head comes to rest on her knees as she surveys the camp. Pride wells up in her as she sees all that her people, her family, have accomplished. Their home has changed and improved so much in the short time they've been here. The people have too.
She hasn't.
She still feels like the same broken girl who fell down here in the first place; still feels like the empty teen who filled herself with someone who was never meant to be a part of her.
A hand on her shoulder startles her and she turns to see Murphy, who silently pushes a bowl greenish liquid into her grip. She notices his own empty hands, how they shake, as he sits next to her. "Not hungry?"
"Don't think I could hold it down." He whispers. Something about the answer surprises them both, maybe the honesty or the way he can't hold her gaze when he says it. She suddenly feels bad about laughing at him this morning. Of course, Octavia was only joking- she'd been fiercely protective of him since his and Bellamy's mating- but something about his expression knocks the wind out of her, replaces it with remorse.
She isn't given a chance to recover because she sees him, across the fire. Finn. He's staring at her through the flickers and she only just manages to keep herself from falling off the log. She vaguely registers Murphy talking to her, but her heartbeat is so loud she can't hear him. Finn only looks at her, eyes cold in the heat of the flames. His leg twitches and she's afraid that's he's going to come closer, but he merely disappears as someone shakes her shoulder.
Coming back to reality, she hears the commotion. The gates are screeching as people yell for her and Bellamy. She looks back to her approaching friends before running to the sounds across camp. She hears them behind her, and it isn't long before they all stand in front of the gate.
It is half closed but she can still see the troop of grounders on horses adorned with detailed skull masks, Lexa standing on foot in front of them. Clarke's blood runs cold as she figures the grounders must have found out about her and Finn. They'd found out and now they were gonna kill her, and maybe slaughter all of her people too. She's more startled by the relief that flows through her than she is by her oncoming death.
Both sides continue to argue without realizing her arrival, until the commander sighs and holds up her hand, palm outstretched towards the Sky People; showing off the name written there. "I am here to be in the company of my mate." The leader speaks, voice echoing across the tiny camp.
All eyes turn to Clarke and she wishes the Earth would swallow her up. She wishes that they had been here to kill her after all or that she'd never gotten out of bed in the first place.
There was silence, as they all processed the information. The Arkers were not as strict on soul mates as the grounders were, but they still took fate seriously and so the gate began to open. Lexa strolled in gracefully, nodding to the Sky People and sending all of her troops but Indra back home.
The latter woman quickly grabs Octavia to train, all of Clarke's friends following after them. This leaves Clarke and Lexa alone, and Clarke silently promises herself to put dirt in their food at dinner.
"Clarke." Lexa nods in acknowledgement. Her arms are crossed behind her back, her body rigid, and the blonde can't help but wonder if she ever relaxes.
"I- Why, I mean...Hello." She murmurs, surprisingly shy. She had already planned to ignore her soul mate, maybe even spit at her again, so it made zero sense to be this awkward.
Lexa's facial expression doesn't change much, but her eyebrow raises a little at the blush that makes it's way to her mate's cheeks. "I see you are in a better mood. I may not get struck today after all."
It takes a second for Clarke to realize that Heda, of all people, is teasing her. Her face is so hot she genuinely considers asking her mother for an ice pack, but instead only responds with "Did it hurt at least a little?"
The brunette, never one to sugarcoat things, says "No, it didn't. I'd assume that the leader of Sky People would be better in combat." She pauses and then hesitantly adds, "I could teach you, if you would like to learn."
Embarrassment spreads through Clarke for what seems like the millionth time. Part of her wants to refuse the offer, but she knows that it'd be smarter to put her pride aside in order to protect her people. "That'd be nice, thank you."
Lexa nods, stands up taller and braces herself. "Hit me."
"What? Now?" Clarke blanches, looking around at everyone in the camp who all seem to be interested in the exchange. "What if they think I'm beating you up and we're, like, actually fighting."
Another slim eyebrow raises. "I am certain that they will notice that I am giving you pointers. Now stop stalling, Clarke."
Said person blushed again as she caught herself staring at her mate's lips as they curved to say her name. She wanted to see the masterpiece again, but she threw a punch at the brunette instead to distract.
"That was sloppy, Clarke. Try again with focus this time." Lexa said, looking annoyingly put together for someone who just got punched.
"Well, that was pathetic." Murphy laughed as he walked towards them, the rest of the group on his heels.
"Like you could do any better." The blonde mumbled. "I don't remember calling for an audience."
"Please, you couldn't get rid of us if you tried." Octavia grinned, settling down on Lincoln. Clarke watches them for a little too long, feels the loneliness squeeze her once more.
When she looks back to her mate, she can tell that Lexa noticed the change in her attitude but she doesn't ask about it, only reminds Clarke to punch her.
So she does, and is surprised when Lexa's hand reaches up to grasp hers before it makes contact. "What was that for?"
"Had I let you hit me, you would have broken at least part of your hand. Were you never taught to keep your thumb on the outside?" She doesn't say it in a mean way, just as if she was genuinely confused.
"You have much work to do with this one, Heda." Indra sighs, earning a chuckle from the group.
They practiced until it was dusk, and even then they only stopped because Lexa thought her hands were too bruised. Indra and the others left hours ago, and there had been more than a few times since then where Lexa's grip had stayed on her body too long, or where she almost gave into the urge to kiss the brunette.
(She realizes halfway through that she could've had Octavia teach her, but she pushes the thought out of her head.)
"Will you stay with me tonight? It would make my people less suspicious." Lexa asks, hands moving as if to help brush the dirt off Clarke's clothes, but they end up wrapping themselves behind her own back again. The blonde thinks that is probably a really stupid idea, since she can barely control her urges out in the open, never mind inside her mate's tent. But it would definitely help prove their love to the grounders, and so Clarke says yes. Only for her people, of course.
After a goodbye to Clarke's friends and a short walk to the grounder settlement, they reach Lexa's tent. She walks inside, holding the flap open for her mate. Clarke stays near the entry, feeling like an intruder. Her mate pays her no mind, opening a large bag and starts packing it with some of her clothes, furs, silk pillows and even containers of food. Clarke makes a confused noise and Lexa elaborates "For when we go back to your tent."
"I'm sorry if my tent doesn't meet your standards." Clarke mutters bitterly before she could stop herself, doing her best to ignore the joy she feels at the word 'we'.
Lexa raises an eyebrow, Clarke thinks that she must really like doing that, before speaking. "These are gifts for you. It will snow soon and I am sure your people are not prepared for winter, so I though it would be wise to bring warmer materials. Does this not please you?" She says the words teasingly, but Clarke can tell that she really does want to please her.
"Yes, of course it does. Thank you. But I'd rather my people have them, they need them mor-"
"My warriors already have plans to bring more to your camp tomorrow."
"Oh, thank you." She says. She feels stupid to thank Lexa so much in one day, especially considering the fact that she still has unresolved hatred towards her but she doesn't know what else to say.
It is quiet until Lexa finishes, standing up and stating. "It is late, Clarke. You should rest." She hands the blonde some of her clothes and turns around to give her privacy. Clarke pulls the long shirt over her head, and it ends mid thigh. She's embarrassed about the hair that sprouts from her legs, even though it's a truly dumb thing to think about when she's trying to prevent a war. She turns around and sees the brunette in a silk nightgown with a slit in the side. She thanks every God she knows that her mate is still turned around and can't see the drool that almost leaves her mouth. She stares, rather creepily, for a full minute before she finally tells Lexa that she's done.
She watches as the powerful Heda sets up blankets on her bed, forming a sort of nest and then lays down on the floor near the opening of the tent. The blonde's heart clinches at the sight of her mate on the dirt, blanket-less but she tells herself to ignore it. She plays memories of her people crying, reminds herself who caused it.
The thoughts work for a while, even if she does keep sneaking glances at her mate. She has no idea how someone could have as much strength as Lexa does. She's never seen her mate complaining, or tired. She doubts the woman's ever cried in her life. But then again, she supposes she doesn't really know her much.
Lexa shivers slightly as the cold wind makes its way into the tent, and Clarke's resolve disappears. "Are you comfortable?"
Lexa turns her head to meet the blonde's gaze. "I am a warrior, Clarke, I am certain I will survive tonight." Clarke isn't sure if the small smile that appears after the words was a trick of the moonlight or not.
"I know that. I just meant- like, you can sleep with me if you want." Blush makes it's way back to her pale cheeks and she hopes it isn't visible in the dim light.
"No, thank you. I will only sleep next to you when you desire me to, not when you feel guilty."
"Youre acting a lot different than yesterday. Doesn't this count as one of my 'duties'," The blonde asked.
"I only said that because I was worried that you were going to anger my people. If you show blatant disrespect like that again, then even I cannot stop them from demanding your death," Lexa continued, "But you may always speak free when we are alone."
Clarke sighed, trying to ignore how annoyed the idea of needing Lexa's 'permission' to do anything made her. She wasn't sure if the commander genuinely believed she did or not, so she opened her mouth to ask. The words stick in her throat and when she does speak, she ends up whispering "Do you?" so low that her mate wasn't sure she heard it. She gives the blonde a questioning look, never one to waste words. "What I meant was, do you want to sleep next to me?"
"When you are ready, yes, Clarke."
At the commander's words she lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She wants her mate to say more, but only silence greets her. "At least take a blanket." She mutters as she throws a few at her.
The blonde turns to face the fabric of the tent, waiting for sleep to claim her mate. It felt weird to be on Lexa's bed; to be apart of such a personal part of an impersonal person's life. The distance between them helps clear her mind, enough for anger to begin clouding it again. She couldn't believe that she let hormones and loneliness dictate how quickly she forgave the brunette. Well, she could actually. That was who she was. Quick to fight, quick to forgive. But this was different. That woman had killed Finn, worse, she'd made Clarke herself kill him. She caused Raven and Anya pain. She killed her people. She expected Clarke to kneel before her, or at least be prepared to. She lead her people too well to be innocent, good.
Clarke hated her.
She turns around to check on said person, and almost receives a heart attack when she sees Finn by her bedside. Like before, he only stares at her but she can still feel his judgement, his pain.
"Dont worry," she mumbles, "I hate her too."
She'd already known that she did, but saying it out loud made it real. She hated her soul mate. Not a regular teenage hate, but the real kind that gnaws at the soul and demands revenge. Upcoming sobs threaten the silence in the tent, so she holds her hand over her mouth so tight that she wonders if she'll have bruises in the morning. Her free hand claws at the arm, leaving bloody trails and raw half crescents on the pale skin.
It wasn't fair. She'd tried so hard and ended up with the one person that made everything so difficult to begin with. She sighed, remembering Raven's words to her yesterday, only mere hours ago really.
"Kill her."
She'd ignored her suggestion at the time- it was suicide after all- but now that she'd lived through the other option, this one didn't seem so bad. She was going crazy, grief twisting inside her, hallucinations blending with reality. This wasn't living, so even if Raven's idea was suicidal then at least she didn't have much to loose.
Maybe Raven would even forgive her. (Maybe she'd even forgive herself.)