Chapter 8
Lexa looked small in her hospital bed. Her face was pale and there were machines everywhere, monitoring her heartbeat, helping her breath, controlling the amount of pain medication. For the longest time Clarke stood inside the door frame just staring at her. She could have died. Lexa could have died, because she was willing to take a bullet for her. The whole concept seemed so strange to Clarke.
“You can go in, Clarke. She will be out of it for quite a while. Don’t worry about waking her.” Abby almost pushed her inside. There was a chair right next to the bed. Somehow Clarke made it there and sat down.
Lexa could have been dead.
She carefully took Lexa’s hand and held it in hers. It was warm and she could feel her pulse. Clarke didn’t trust the machines. She needed to feel Lexa’s heartbeat for herself. All of a sudden the exhaustion that she had pushed aside set in. She leaned forward and placed her head on the mattress. She closed her eyes. Just for a minute … Five seconds later she was asleep.
When Clarke woke she still held Lexa’s hand in hers. She yawned and looked up to check the heart rate monitor. Everything was fine. Clarke had been sleeping for five hours and her neck hurt. She briefly considered getting up to stretch, but that would mean to let go of Lexa’s hand and she wasn’t going to do that. She needed the physical contact. She needed to make sure that this was not a dream and Lexa was here, alive and breathing. She put the chair a little closer to the bed and leaned back. She’d rather tear a muscle than leave.
The beeping was probably the most annoying sound she had ever heard. She wanted to sleep, she needed to sleep, but the beeping wouldn’t stop. Why didn’t it stop? In fact it seemed to pick up speed.
Everything was foggy. Lexa tried to open her eyes to see where the sound was coming from, but her eyelids were heavier than usual.
“Doctor, I think she’s waking up!”
Who was waking up? Definitely not her. She was way too tired for that.
“Lexa? Can you hear me?”
Abby? What was Abby doing in her bedroom? Lexa was confused. She tried to open her eyes again, this time she made more of an effort.
“That’s good! Look at me!”
“Abby?” Her voice was coarse and her throat felt dry.
“It’s good to have you back, Lexa!” Abby’s eyes were beaming at her. She was checking something, a chart. She was in a hospital bed. Lexa tried to remember. The gun. She reached for Abby’s arm.
“Clarke?”
“Clarke is fine, Lexa. She’s been here the whole time. She’s just getting a cup of coffee. Everybody is fine. We have you to thank you for that.”
Lexa didn’t think Abby had ever smiled at her that much. So that was the secret? She just had to get herself shot? She was so tired.
Abby checked her vitals and looked at her. “It’s okay, Lexa. You can close your eyes again. You need to rest. Clarke will be here when you wake up.”
Lexa did as she was told.
The next 24 hours Lexa slipped in an out of consciousness. Clarke knew that it was mainly due to the pain medication and spent every minute at her side, so when Lexa finally woke up, she wouldn’t be alone. She ate in the chair, slept in the chair, the chair and her were one.
“You look awful.”
Clarke jumped and looked up only to find Lexa watching her.
She smiled. “That’s what not sleeping or showering for almost two days will do to you.”
Lexa was tired, but she kept her eyes fixed on Clarke.
“Are you okay?”
“You are asking me that?”
“Yes.”
Clarke got up and gave her a light kiss on the lips.
“Now I am.” She sat back down and took her hand. “You had me worried though.”
“I am sorry, Clarke.”
The sound of her name on Lexa’s lips made Clarke shiver. The way she said it was unique. She thought of how close she had come to never hearing that voice again …
“What on earth would you be sorry about?”
“I don’t know … everything.” Lexa felt like sleeping. Her eyelids were so heavy.
“Hey Lex?”
Lexa opened her eyes again.
“Mmh?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
When Lexa woke up the next time, Abby was there.
“So, Doc, how am I doing?”
“Your vitals are strong. Given the fact that you almost died on my operating table that’s a stellar improvement.”
Lexa stared at her.
“I did?”
“Yes. Your heart stopped twice that day. The first time you were lucky, Clarke was there.”
Lexa was speechless. She had been so close to dying.
“Lexa, I know you’re tired, but there is a small test that I’d like to do.”
Lexa looked at her and nodded.
Abby took out something that looked like a knitting needle and started to test her legs for reactions. At least Lexa thought that was what she was doing, because she didn’t feel anything. She felt the panic rise.
“Lexa, do you feel any of this?”
“No.”
“Tell me when you do, okay?”
The needle went higher, but Lexa didn’t feel it. She closed her eyes.
Abby took her hand.
“Hey, that doesn’t mean anything. It was a tough call. The bullet grazed your spine. We operated on you for hours. We’ll just have to wait.”
Lexa opened her eyes again to look at her.
“Abby, I know you’re trying to comfort me, but what I really need right now is your professional opinion.” Her voice was not much more than a whisper.
Abby looked at her for a long while, then she nodded.
“As I said, the bullet grazed your spine and there were a few bone fragments I had to remove. There is still a lot of swelling. It could go either way. If you really want my professional opinion, I’d have to say that no feeling at all is not a good sign.”
Lexa was awake when Clarke entered the room.
“Hey, you’re up.”
Lexa didn’t answer. For a moment she tried to will her legs to move like some kind of miracle could have happened within the last hours. When they didn’t she closed her eyes.
“Lex, please look at me.”
Lexa didn’t want to, but she opened her eyes anyway.
“It’s going to be okay. The swelling can cause your symptoms. You are going to be fine.”
Clarke made the best effort to sound confident, but Lexa couldn’t deal with it.
“I am not, Clarke!” She was surprised how angry she sounded. “I am not going to be fine and I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Lexa …”
“Please Clarke, can you just leave me alone? I want to be alone.”
“But …”
“I can’t deal with this right now. With you, with this ...” She pointed to her legs. “Please, go!”
Clarke stared at her not knowing what to do. She knew Lexa was devastated and she wanted to be there for her. She wanted to hold her hand and just be there. She felt tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Lexa, please …”
But Lexa couldn’t … She knew how much hurt she caused in Clarke right now and she hated herself for it, but she needed to be alone. She couldn’t deal with it, with her, with everything. She had taken a bullet for Clarke and that was why she would probably never walk again. She knew Clarke would stay with her, but that was not what she wanted or at least not how she wanted it. She’d always feel like there was the tiniest possibility that Clarke stayed with her because she felt indebted to her and even the thought of that made her hurt even more. It made her feel weak. So Lexa steeled her gaze and repeated:
“Please, go.”
And Clarke left.