Chapter 9
After two very long weeks, Lexa was discharged. She had managed to piss of almost everyone during that time: Abby and Jake who had tried to talk some sense into her. Raven and Octavia who had tried the same and finally Bellamy, who simply told her to fucking come to her senses. Only Anya had said nothing. She had been there the whole time watching her sister struggle and she knew that there wasn’t any sense in trying to get her to see reason right now.
She knew how stubborn Lexa could be. It had been the same when she had left after Clarke’s proposal. She remembered exactly how she had tried to talk sense into Lexa and how she had failed miserably. There seemed to be a little voice inside her sister’s head that constantly told her she needed to be self-sufficient, that everyone would leave her in the end anyway and that it was better, not to get too attached to people in the first place. Anya always wondered how she had managed to be the exception.
She picked Lexa up from the hospital, brought her to her apartment and stayed with her for two days. Two days that Lexa spent in almost complete silence. Anya just looked at her and tried to be patient. She would come around.
Only Lexa didn’t come around. She wouldn’t answer the door or her phone. The only people she saw were the food delivery guys. A full week later she sat in her wheelchair and looked out of the window when she suddenly felt pain.
It was not like she wasn’t used to pain by now, but this particular pain seemed to accumulate in her legs and the thought of that made her heart race. She had heard about people who still felt the limps they had lost to an amputation, but hers were still there. She touched her right leg and for a second she thought she felt her fingers prodding away. She tried again with the other leg. There was something. Some sort of sensation. But no matter how hard she tried to focus, her legs wouldn’t move. What did that mean? There was only one way to find out.
“You feel something. That is a good thing, Lexa!” Abby looked at her.
Lexa clenched her jaw. “I wouldn’t say excruciating pain is something good.”
“Well, if there is pain at least we know the nerves are still working.”
“Doesn’t mean I can move my legs though.”
“Jesus, Lexa, can’t you just try to be a little positive? Who knows what we can achieve with the right amount of physical therapy? Clarke is going to be so relieved when she hears that you feel your legs.”
“You won’t tell her!” Lexa’s voice was sharp like a knife. “You are my doctor and you are not going to tell her.”
“What? Why?” Abby didn’t understand.
“If you tell her she will think I’ll get better. She will think I will be okay again. But I don’t know that, Abby.”
Abby looked at her.
“Lexa, why would you think that if you can walk or not has something to do with you and Clarke? She loves you not matter what.”
Lexa didn’t want to talk about it. She tried to hold back her tears, but still felt them rolling down her cheeks.
“I know that Abby, but me in this wheelchair, reminding her that I took a bullet for her … this is not what I want for her. Can’t you understand that?”
Abby shook her head. “No, I can’t. But I will respect your wishes and not tell her.”
Before she left she took a long look at Lexa. “I really wished I could make you see that it doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Who is it?”
“It’s Clarke.”
Anya sighed and opened the door.
“Jeez, Griffin, you look like a ghost!”
“Well, thank you.” Clarke stood on Anya’s doormat and looked at her. “Can I come in?”
“Is there a way I could stop you?”
“Probably not.”
“Well, then by all means, come in.”
Anya stepped aside and closed the door behind Clarke. The girl looked awful. Considering the dark circles under her eyes she hadn’t slept in days and while Clarke usually looked like the cover girl for “In style, but not overdressed” she now seemed to opt for wearing whatever wasn’t in the laundry. Anya sighed. What the fuck was Lexa doing?
“Sit. Do you want a beer?”
“Do you have anything stronger than that?”
Anya looked at her. “I do, but before we start the part with the heavy drinking: Do you have to work tomorrow?”
“No.”
“Okay, whiskey it is.”
She got a bottle and two glasses and filled them. Clarke took one and drank it all at once.
“Damn, Griffin, this is good stuff. Take your time with it, will you?!”
Clarke placed the glass back on the table.
“I’ll take my time with the next one.”
Anya filled her glass again.
“So why are you here?”
Clarke grabbed the glass and stared at it.
“I don’t know. I just … How is she?”
Anya sighed again. She took a sip from her glass and felt the liquid run down throat leaving a burning feeling in its path.
“She’s being stupid. That’s how she is.”
Clarke smiled just a little bit.
They both drank their whiskey in silence.
“Is there anything that I can do?”
Anya looked at the girl and shook her head. She wished there was anything she could say to make Clarke feel better. This was new to her. She wasn’t the type of person who got attached to people, but somehow Clarke Griffin had maneuvered her way into Anya’s heart. Maybe it was, because she could see how much she loved her little sister.
She filled Clarke’s glass for a third time and knew exactly how this would end, with Clarke passing out on her couch. She made a decision. Tomorrow she would call Abby and after that she would talk some sense into Lexa.
„Get up!“
„What?“ Lexa looked up and found Anya standing in the doorway, looking at her with utter disgust.
“Get the fuck up! And take a shower. You look disgusting!”
Lexa’s gaze fell to her sweat pants that were stained with various food samples.
“What the hell, Anya?”
Anya came marching towards her. “This moping of yours, it’s going to stop right now. You have been injured, I get it. Your legs hurt, which is a good thing, by the way. You have been feeling sorry for yourself for almost three weeks now. And it will stop today. You will get up and take a shower or I’ll kick your sorry ass.”
“Anya ...”
“Don’t you dare Anya me.” She looked really mad and Lexa didn’t know how to respond.
“You will make yourself presentable and then you will talk to Clarke. This is the second time you’re acting like a complete asshole and somehow she still won’t give up on you. Instead she stands on my doorstep crying her eyes out because of you, drinking herself into a stupor. I told her to kick you to the curb already, but she just won’t listen.”
Lexa’s eyes widened by the mention of Clarke’s name and she felt her heartbeat take it up a notch.
“She talked to you?”
“She talks to me all the bloody time. She is worried. She is scared that you'll give yourself up and she is utterly heartbroken. Not to mention that she is bloody annoying. And she’s not the only one, you know? I got calls from Octavia, who has never called me before in my life. I got calls from Raven, telling me that my stupid sister is my responsibility, and I even got calls from Bell and his wife, separately I might add. All of these stupid friends of yours and Clarke’s are making my life a living hell, because they won’t give up on you. And what about you? My sister, the independent woman, the one who always has to be bloody strong and noble is sitting on this stupid couch looking like a hobo. What now, Detective? You got shot. Shit happens! It could have happened at any time and in any place, but just because it was Clarke you took the bullet for you shut her out? You love her! You told me so! What the hell is going on in this messed up head of yours?”
Lexa stared at her. She was speechless for once.
She really hadn’t thought all of this through, had she? Anya was right. She loved Clarke. The one regret she had when she thought she was about to die was not to be able to tell Clarke that she loved her. She really needed her sister yelling at her to realize what a complete idiot she was? What the hell had she been doing?
She looked at Anya who still seemed to be ready to assault her should she nod comply with her demands so she sat up and reached for the wheelchair, but Anya stopped her.
“Oh no, not with that.” Anya sported a malicious grin. She handed her a pair of crutches.
“Abby tells you to try these.”
Lexa looked up at her. “You talked to Abby?”
Anya laughed. “It feels like in the last few days I’ve been talking to almost every living soul on the planet.”
Lexa took the crutches and tried to get up. It took her four tries.
“Fall down three times, get up four, little sis.” Anya grinned at her, but all Lexa could think of was that she was standing. She was shaking like a leaf, but she was standing. She almost laughed, but then she realized that even in her small apartment the distance between the living room and the bathroom was enormous. She would also need to get fresh clothes from the bedroom. She looked at Anya.
“You are right.”
“Sorry?”
“Don’t make me say it again.”
“But I like the sound of it.”
“Anya!”
“Okay.”
“So, if I try to do this. Are you going to help me?”
Anya looked at her. She understood completely, what it was Lexa was asking, but she couldn’t help teasing her just a little more.
“Help to clean you up? Sure.” She gave Lexa a clap on the butt and went ahead. “I’ve always liked to see you naked.”
Lexa just growled.
It was past midnight. Clarke sat on her bed when the phone rang. She didn’t really want to talk to anyone, but she took the phone anyway. The caller ID showed a new number. She stared at it for a while, then she answered.
“Yes?”
“Clarke?”
For a second her heart stopped. She would recognize this voice anywhere. She had been waiting to hear it for three weeks.
“Clarke?”
“Lexa.”
There was short period of silence and she wasn’t sure if they had been disconnected, but then Lexa started to speak.
“Clarke, I’ve been an idiot. I wanted to call you and tell you that I am sorry … for so many things, but mainly for pushing you away … again. I don’t know if you want to talk to me or if you want me to leave you alone, but I couldn’t just leave it at that.”
Silence again.
“Listen, you can tell me not to call you, to leave you alone. I would understand.”
Clarke laughed a little.
“Clarke?”
Lexa’s voice was one big question mark.
“You are so stupid sometimes.”
“Yes, I am.” Clarke could hear how relieved Lexa was when she finally answered, even if she was insulting her.
“Do you want me to come over? To talk?”
“No.” The answer was straight.
“No?” Clarke was dumbfounded.
“Please, don’t get me wrong, Clarke. It’s not that I don’t want to see you. I just need a little more time to sort things out.” Lexa’s voice was soft.
“Can you give me that? Just a little more time? Maybe talk to me on the phone instead?”
Clark thought about it, then she nodded.
“Clarke?”
Clarke laughed.
“I’m sorry, I just nodded, but you can’t see that.”
“No, I can’t.” Lexa’s voice was so fucking soft.
“Okay, if this is what you want, we will talk on the phone for a while. I will give you your space.”
“Thank you, Clarke.”
“You’re welcome, Lexa.”
“And Clarke?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t give up on me yet?”
“I won’t.”
“So, why did you break up? You never told me and Clarke won’t spill the beans either.”
“She asked me to marry her.”
“She what?” Raven stopped what she was doing and stared at Lexa.
“She asked me to marry her, but I wasn’t ready. I needed to become someone first. Be my own person, you know?”
“So instead of telling her that you broke it off?”
“Yes.”
Raven looked at her, completely fascinated.
“Wow, just how stupid are you?!”
Lexa clenched her teeth. A little because of Raven, but mostly because the exercise was extremely painful.
“In hindsight it may have been just a little stupid.”
“Ya think?”
Raven shook her head. “Do you have any idea how many nights I had to endure the ‘What could I have done differently’ breakdowns? Come to think of it: You owe me, Lexa. Big time.”
Lexa nodded.
“I know. But please Raven, you have to promise me, you won’t tell her anything about this. Please?”
Raven looked at her.
“I promise. I have no idea why you wouldn’t tell her that the feeling in your legs is back, but I won’t tell her. I have no yearning whatsoever to get in the middle of this weird thing that is you and Clarke.”
She saw the pain on Lexa’s face when she tried to do the exercise one more time.
“Hey, Detective, you should stop now. It’s been enough for today. You need to rest.”
Lexa tried it one more time anyway before she sat down on the floor panting.
Lexa went to physical therapy every day. Usually Bellamy, Raven, Octavia or Lincoln drove her and waited until she was finished. It was hard for Lexa to except help at first, but now she was grateful. She also started to have sessions with a therapist that Gustus recommended. She needed to find out why it was so hard for her to rely on people.
Every evening she would call Clarke and they would talk until one of them fell asleep. Usually it was Lexa, because she was simply exhausted.
Two weeks into this little routine she could tell that Clarke was getting restless, so Lexa made a decision.
Clarke was waiting for Lexa’s call, but heard the sound of her doorbell instead. She looked at her watch. It was eight p.m. and she would have rather stayed next to the phone. She sighed. That was what her life had come to. She got up and walked to the door. When she opened it she couldn’t believe her eyes.
Lexa wore a suit, including a tie. Her long hair was braided in a weird old-fashioned, but beautiful way and she was leaning on crutches. Clarke stared at her.
“Lexa!”
She stared at her some more.
“How did you get up here?”
Her stare got more inquisitive. She saw the sweat on Lexa’s forehead and the white knuckles holding on to the crutches. Lexa had taken the stairs. All of them.
“Oh god, Lex! Come in! Sit down. You’re in pain …”
That’s when it hit her.
“Lexa, you’re walking.”
Lexa smiled at her.
“Lexa, you are walking!” Clarke put her hands on her mouth to contain the scream of joy that was bubbling up her throat.
Lexa looked at her. “I am.”
“God, please, come in.”
She held the door for Lexa and watched her as she made her way inside. Slow, but steady.
Inside Lexa turned to face her.
“Lexa, don’t you want to sit down?” Clarke was worried.
“Later, Clarke. There is something I have to say and I really want to be standing for this.”
She inhaled deeply.
“Clarke, I have been a complete and utter moron. I have pushed you away when I needed you the most, because I was too afraid to be regarded as weak. And I was afraid that you might only stay with me, because you felt responsible. I have pushed you away when you told me you loved me and wanted to marry me, because I was afraid that it would make me nothing more than your other half and I had yet to figure out who I was. It never crossed my mind that I could do both. I was so stupid that Raven asked me to tell you to kick my ass in the not so distant future.”
She made a small pause and looked at Clarke who seemed speechless. Lexa continued.
“In the last few weeks I found out what it means to depend on people. I found out that I have friends who – for some reason beyond my understanding – like me and aren’t going to give up on me. And I realized that there is only one thing I cannot stop, ignore or fight. One thing that even if it makes me feel weak also feels right and makes me strong at the same time and that is loving you. I have loved you from the first second I laid my eyes on you and I will keep on loving you until my last breath.”
With that last sentence Lexa did something very stupid. She let go of her crutches and willed her legs into kneeling down. It hurt like hell, but it sure was worth it. Clarke stared at her, her eyes already wet with tears.
Lexa took the ring from her pocket and looked up.
“Clarke Griffin, do you find it in your heart to forgive me? I love you and I swear to you that I will not walk away from you ever again. Will you marry me?”
Clarke looked at her solemnly and nodded. “Yes! You beautiful idiot, I will marry you!”
She kneeled down in front of Lexa and kissed her. Lexa felt her own tears mixing with Clarke’s. She laughed and wiped them away to be able to put the ring on Clarke’s finger. It fit perfectly.
Clarke looked at it.
“It’s beautiful, Lex. I love it.” She kissed her again “I love you.”
After a few more moments of kissing, hugging and a bit of squealing on Clarke’s part, Clarke looked at Lexa. “By the way, what would you have done if I hadn’t been so forgiving?”
Lexa grinned. “Look out of the window.”
“What?”
“Just look out of the window.”
Clarke got up and walked over to her window. Downstairs there were people. She took a closer look. She saw her parents, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven, Bellamy, Gina and the kids as well as Anya. All of them were staring up at her and when they saw her they started to cheer and held up signs. Clarke read “Forgive her!”, “She’s an idiot, but you love her.” and “Please, take my sister. I am not her damn keeper!”
She started to laugh and turned to Lexa who was still kneeling on the floor.
“That probably would have done it! Should we let them come up?”
Lexa nodded. “Probably. Mostly, because Raven has the champagne. … There is just one thing you should take care of first.”
“And what’s that.”
Lexa gave her an apologetic smile.
“Help me up, please?”