Chapter 3
Shelby seems mad but all Toni can focus on is her body against hers, pinning her against the door, and Toni wonders if maybe she’s a bottom after all. She’s pretty sure Shelby isn’t wearing a bra.
Her eyes are like flames, except they’re blue. Or maybe they’re green. “What’s your mother flippin’ problem with me?”
Toni knows she should push Shelby back but doesn’t because a part of her is really enjoying being manhandled.
“I was going to ask you the same thing,” Toni hisses back.
Shelby looks at her so earnestly, with big wet eyes that seem so vulnerable and hurt by Toni’s tone. She has to remind herself that Shelby’s a total bitch who really condescendingly explained to Toni that her necklace wasn’t a T that stood for Toni like she thought, but was some homophobic religious symbol.
Instead of checking if Shelby’s okay Toni growls out, “Fuck you Shelby. I hate you.”
“Well I hate y…” Shelby stops mid sentence as if someone physically hurt her but it’s only Toni in here and Toni has a line and apparently that line is physical violence despite Shelby’s fondness for the color pink.
Shelby just looks at Toni for a long time and opens her mouth a few times, but nothing comes out. It looks like she’s trying hard to say something but can’t. Her hand moves to grip that stupid T necklace around her neck.
Toni has half a mind to leave, but watching Shelby get so flustered is amusing. She likes seeing popular girls vulnerable and upset.
Before she can say anything Shelby grabs Toni’s face in her hands and kisses her. It’s unexpected but hot and Toni reciprocates the kiss because even though Shelby’s out of her league, Toni’s still human and, hey, who could resist?
Toni pulls back first and instinctively asks, “Are you okay?”
Shelby is so drunk her eyes are practically rolling into the back of her head but she manages to shake her head vehemently and mumble, “I want you to fuck me Toni. I only want you. I physically can’t lie about hating you and as we all know that means you’re my soulmate. Our love is written in the stars. Plus also I’m a lesbian and closeted because I’m not safe at home.”
Toni fights her urge to roll her eyes at the typical straight girl wanting to experiment with the hot basketball star before running back to her boyfriend.
Shelby doesn’t stop. “Toni Shalifoe, will you please penetrate me?”
Toni’s jeans are almost soaked by that alone but she sees the situation for what it is because she has eyes and a heart.
“Let’s go back outside, Shelby, you’re… you’re really drunk.” Shelby drops her head against Toni’s chest, almost completely limp. Toni remembers Regan exists and adds, “Also I have a girlfriend.”
Shelby stumble walks her fingers up Toni’s shoulder. Shrek-green eyes look back at her. “You been drinkin’ too though, doesn’t that cancel it out?”
Toni’s pretty sure there’s a word for if the other party becomes so intoxicated that it affects their ability to consent to sex or to resist your advances, but she can’t remember it right now.
Beside the ethical and legal perspective on how fucked up this whole situation would be, Toni could never—would never want to—do anything with anyone that they did not fully and enthusiastically want to do. Even someone as blonde as Shelby doesn’t deserve that.
For the record, nobody deserves that.
Despite her better judgment—because Shelby desires care and attention and is therefore icky—Toni pulls Shelby in for a hug and lets her whisper, “I don’t want to be like this,” against her shoulder unsexily as she cries. She even smooths Shelby’s infuriating hair and gives her reassurances until Shelby lets out her last sniffle.
Shelby pulls away and tries to wipe her smeared mascara away with a corner of her sleeve. “I’m really sorry about that.”
“Whatever,” Toni sneers, remembering not to show the smiley head cheerleader any kindness.
Despite it all, Toni still gets her a glass of water when they return to the party outside.
***
Toni starts hanging out with the others again and by late September, she’s barely avoiding anything anymore.
She still hates straight religious homophobic (three synonyms, am I right?) Shelby Goodkind more than anyone. About a week ago Shelby started dating Andrew and it’s driving Toni insane. She knows that Shelby sees how he treats Toni.
Yesterday in Math class Andrew whipped a copy of the Catcher in the Rye at Toni’s head. In gym class it was a copy of the Atlas Shrugged. Science was 12 Rules For Life. To top it all off, English class ended with an autobiography of Churchill slammed against her rocking abs.
And each time Shelby wasn’t there. But she should have been. When Toni told Shelby about it she just looked confused and asked, “Andrew can read?”
That’s the final nail in the coffin for Toni. Shelby tells Toni that she likes her whenever they’re alone, but then she turns around and dates the guy who has made Toni’s life a living hell for the past two years.
It turned out that Andrew and Shelby are another one of those couples who claim to be soulmates to everyone they talked to. They start wearing the obnoxious soulmate jewelry, talk loudly about not being able to lie to each other in the halls, and are the classic obsequious little couple all the time.
Toni’s positive that their soulmate act is bullshit because she knows that Andrew’s been cheating on Shelby with Christa Findlay—that hussy—so he’s absolutely able to lie to her.
Today at lunch, Toni’s sitting with her friends when Andrew and Shelby walk by followed by their goons on their way to the God Squad table. Shelby still sits with Toni’s friends every day and pretends to be a saint by saying and doing kind and generous things like the phony that she is. It pisses Toni off.
Shelby kisses him on the cheek and as she’s turned away from Toni (not that Toni would ever check out her ass) Andrew snakes his hand down to Toni’s lunch tray piled with Takis and orange gatorade and flips it on her. Gatorade has absolutely ruined her jeans.
She’s on her feet in a second and pushes Shelby out of the way to punch Andrew in the face. Shelby, who didn’t see any of this but who should have sensed it seeing as she’s his keeper, is aghast. “Why on God’s green earth would you punch my boyfriend, Toni?”
Toni snarls at her. “Oh so you’re just taking his side automatically?”
“N-no, I wouldn’t do that. You would always come before my boyfriend because I care deeply about you. I’d even be willing to leave my family for you. I’d just like to understand what went wrong.”
Toni ignores her because she can smell the insincerity. If Shelby really cared, would she not dump Andrew off something high?
Shelby gestures at the cafeteria door. “Here, Toni, why don’t we head to the bathroom, I'll help get you cleaned up. I have a spare shirt in my locker if you want it.”
The last thing Toni wants is Shelby Goodkind’s charity. She’s really disappointed that Shelby’s the exact kind of person she acts like. Blonde, straight, blonde, and homophobic.
Toni stands up and pushes past the whole squad to change into her gym clothes. Shelby doesn’t follow her.
***
A football game is the last place Toni wants to be, but Martha asked her to go and said it would just be the two of them. Toni demands exclusivity in all platonic relationships even though she cheats on Regan left right and center with Fatin so she’s happy.
Toni only agreed to go because Shelby would either not be there or be too busy fawning over Andrew to bother with Martha. Still, she doesn’t want to watch Andrew and his friends’ over-the-top warm-up routine where they fondle each other in the middle of the football field so she decides to show up late.
She has a good time with Martha and barely thinks about Shelby at all. She doesn’t know why that kiss keeps popping up in her head but it does worming its way into her head like a parasitic infection.
She has a good time with Martha and doesn’t think about Shelby at all. Not even once. Not even during the slow parts of the game where Andrew gets distracted by his hand down his pants. Not even when a glimpse of that blonde ponytail in the crowd makes her heart hiccup for no reason. Not when the kiss replays in her head like when only a part of a Taylor Swift song gets stuck in your head in a loop and you know it means something way deeper than the words imply. Never.
Then it hits her that maybe Shelby really meant all that stuff she said.
Just not in a way that matters.
Just not in a way that could change anything.