Two
“I kissed her!” Sasha exclaims with frustration mixed in with anguish and reluctant regret. “And she can’t forgive me, she’s hated me since!”
It takes Jan a moment to allow Sasha’s almost screaming interruption to sink in. When it does, her mouth hangs open momentarily, shocked.
“I...that’s...totally not what I expected. I’m sorry...do you want to talk about it, Sash?” Jan gets up, walks around her desk and sits on the chair in front of the blonde actress. She takes the Sasha’s hands in hers, squeezing comfortingly. “I have a bit of experience in this matter, you know,” Jan says, trying to lighten up the highly emotional situation. “You can talk to me and expect nothing more than absolute honesty and objectivity. Even if I consider Angie a close friend. I value your friendship just as much so I’m talking to you with that in mind, not our professional relationship.”
Sasha continues to look down, close to tears. “I don’t even know what to tell you. It’s just...I don’t think there’s anything that can make things better except if I,” she pauses painfully, “except if I quit so she won’t have to keep seeing me and pretending we’re ok.”
“Why not start from the beginning? When did you…” Jan is unsure how to proceed, sure only that she has to do so with much sensitivity, “When did you kiss her?”
Sasha sighs loudly and with much torment evident. “When we were shooting Lee’s memorial episode. We were both just...grieving and I just...I care for her so much and she was so distraught and I just wanted to comfort her and she was accepting of my comfort and I had my arms around her and we were both crying and and before I knew what I was doing I was...I was kissing her.” It all rushes out of Sasha, words tumbling out as if freed from captivity. “I was kissing her Jan and she…she was kissing me back,” she cries out, almost pleading for the other woman to understand her, to withhold judgment. “And then we stopped and she...I clearly remember the look of shock on her face, of just...plain and utter regret. And then she pushed me away.”
“Oh, Sasha…” Jan says, reaching out to hug the blonde comfortingly. “It was an emotional time for all you. You both needed comfort and it just happened. You were carried away by your grief. Surely you could have talked about it? Didn’t you?”
“I tried to. I really did...several times. For a while, she didn’t want to but eventually, she gave up and talked to me about it and we agreed to forget it had happened and to chalk it up to friends grieving and comforting each other.” Sasha pulls away, leaning back tiredly against the chair.
Jan watches her, confused. “If that’s so then...then aren’t you two ok?”
Sasha stares back at her. Stares through her, more like it, shaking her head. “We are and...we’re not.”
“What do you mean?”
“I feel it, Jan. We’ve never been able to get back to how we were before I did that stupid thing and kissed her. She’s been distant, almost aloof. She can barely hug me when she greeted me on my birthday. And the only time she seems willing to look at me is when we’re Jane and Maura.” The blonde’s eyes begin to water again, evidently unhappy and frustrated. “It’s like she can barely stand being in the same room with me and I...I just know she hasn’t forgiven me. I know how much she regrets what happened and I know she can’t stand me and I just...I can’t do it anymore, Jan. You have to understand, it’s so fucking hard and painful for me.”
The cuss word throws Jan off. “Can I ask you something, Sash? And please don’t be mad, I’m asking as a friend and only to get a better understanding of your...situation.” Sasha nods, not even fully cognizant of what she is agreeing to. Jan leans in, taking Sasha’s hands in each of hers and looking the blonde directly in her eyes. “Do you regret it? Do you regret kissing her?”
Jan watches the blonde’s head drop, hears her heartbroken sigh. Even as she waits for Sasha to reply, she feels like she has her answer.
“Oh, honey,” she wraps an arm around the blonde again, feeling her shoulders shaking as she finally gives in to tears. “Oh, Sasha...I didn’t know. Do you have feelings for her?”
After another lengthy moment of not getting a reply except for the sound of quiet crying, she finally hears Sasha’s distraught voice. “I don’t know, Jan. I’m so confused. I just know how I felt when I was kissing her and how I felt when she started distancing herself from me. It’s…I just don’t know.”
“Oh, hon...I get you, I do. It couldn’t have been easy, all this time, holding this in. Does anyone else know?”
Sasha shakes her head. “You’re the first one I’ve told. I don’t know about her, if she’s...if she’s told anyone about it.”
“Have you tried talking to her about it again? Tried reaching out and asking her if you could get back to being friends if you’ve both agreed to move on and forget the kiss happened anyway?”
“I have, a couple of times.” Sasha quickly wipes her eyes, almost violently, when she hears footsteps approaching. “She dismisses it...me. She says there’s nothing left to talk about because to her, it never happened and that we’re, we’re ok anyway so there’s no need to talk.” She reaches for the box of tissues on Jan’s desk, dabbing at her smeared mascara. “But we’re not ok, Jan. We’re far from ok,” she adds with much resignation, finally having gathered herself.
Their heads both turn toward the door before Jan could reply. When the producer turns back toward the blonde, she has her sunglasses on, halfway up from her chair.
Just as Sasha gives her a hasty hug, Jan spies the subject of their conversation enter her office, watching her entrance with slightly panicked eyes from over the blonde’s shoulder.
“H-hey Ang, what brought you over?” She asks, wanting to clue Sasha in and give her fair warning. She feels the blonde immediately stiffen.
“Just wanted to pop in bef- “ Angie stops, noticing the other person in the room. “Just wanted to pop in before leaving but hey, I didn’t know you had a visi- I didn’t know S-Sasha’s here, I’ll come back later.”
Jan’s left tongue tied, unsure of how to reply. To her surprise, Sasha turns around and saves her from having to. “It’s ok, I was just leaving,” she announces, only the barest hint of shakiness in her voice. “See you Monday, Jan.” She pauses in front of the taller brunette standing by the doorway, clearly weighing her next move. She reaches a hand out to Angie’s elbow, lightly and oh so quickly patting. “Have a safe flight home, Ang. I’ll uh..I’ll see you Monday.”
Jan swallows nervously, now fully clued in to the situation and aware of the tension hanging in the air.
“What time’s your flight?” she asks the first question that pops to mind.
It takes Angie a moment to answer, appearing distracted, brows furrowed. “Oh, uh…” she hesitates when she realizes Jan had asked her a question. “Flight’s at 9:30. I just wanted to say bye. I uh...I have to go shower and pack.”
“Oh, you better get outta here then. Traffic’s terrible now.” She moves in for a hug, giving the tall brunette a friendly shove when they pull apart.
“I am, I am. I’m leaving now, jeez.”
“I just don’t want you to miss your flight and miss out on more time with the kiddos.” Jan smiles fondly at her other star, internally distracted by her previous visitor.
“I know, I can’t wait to see them.” Angie leans in for another hug before quickly saying another goodbye and heading out the door. Before she fully steps out, the brunette hesitates at the door, appearing uncertain about something. Finally she turns back toward Jan, feigning indifference. “Hey so uh, any reason Sasha dropped by?”
The question throws Jan off completely, her instinct to reply with some made up mundane reason. But something stops her. An urge to play devil’s advocate and, at the same time, maybe give the brunette in front of her something to think about. Maybe give her reason to use the weekend away from work to think about her relationship with her co-star, who also seemed to be a good friend not too long ago.
Jan sighs, unsure about the wisdom of what she wants to do. What finally pushes her off the cliff is the look of fear and concern Angie can no longer hide.
She must care. She can’t be as apathetic as she’s pretending to be.
“I’m not sure I’m at liberty to say anything, Angie…” Jan begins, still unsure, willing to let it go if Angie would.
“Come on, Jan, you can’t say that and not expect me to get it out of you,” Angie complains, pretending to make light of the conversation but unable to hide her anxiety and uneasiness.
“It’s uh...Sasha’s…” Jan rakes her fingers through her curls, nervous and apprehensive.
“Come ooooon, it’s mean to hold me in suspense like this. Just spit it out, Jan!” Angie groans, taking a couple of steps back toward the producer.
“Sasha’s quitting the show.”