Fleetwood Mac
TAYLOR
Calvin tells me to get in the car and so I do. It's been five days since it happened, and this morning he left while I was asleep and came home with a bouquet of soft pink roses, my favorite. I put them in a vase and put it in the center of the dining table, even though we're leaving to go to someone's holiday house today and the flowers will be dead by the time we return. It made him happy, and so I did it.
Every time I look at Calvin I think of Travis. About how different my life would be if he was the one who bought me pretty pink roses and drove me to holiday houses. I think about the way he looked at me when he asked me about the mark on my face. Was it innocent confusion, or was it something more? How much does he know?
Calvin lets me DJ and so I put on some old songs. Fleetwood Mac and stuff like that. I let myself get lost in the music as we drive. I wonder if Travis will be there. I hope he is. I miss the sound of his voice.
"So," Calvin starts, "you excited?" He turns the music down so I can barely hear it. I nod and tell him I am. I want to reach over and turn the music back up, because now I don't have anything to distract me. I don't, though. Calvin won't like that and he seems like he's in such a good mood for this trip. I hope I can keep it that way.
We continue the drive in silence and I poke at bruises that he left on my thighs. My ribs still hurt from where he kicked me, but that bruise has faded into a greeny-yellow mark. The ones on my thighs are still there, though. They weren't from an incident, but at some point he must have grabbed my thigh a little to tight. Or maybe I left those bruises in an attempt to distract myself. I don't even know at this point. I've worn a pale cardigan with a baby blue sundress that goes down to just above my ankles, so that will cover most of the marks. Calvin smiled when he saw me this morning. He likes it when I dress modest.
I feel a bit sick, so I look out the window until I see Nico's holiday house, and I know we have arrived. Gigi runs outside to greet me and I smile. A genuine smile. Calvin told me that we were allowed to bring a couple of our choice and since all his friends were already coming I chose Gigi and her boyfriend. Sometimes only knowing Calvin in a room full of people can be exhausting, so it's nice to have a friend I know I can trust.
When Calvin parks I fling the door open and run to Gigi. We hug and smile and laugh and compliment each other and then he walks out and I freeze.
Travis is right there. He's wearing a plaid shirt with a singlet underneath and his hair is all messy and I think I might die. He smiles at me and I do my best to smile back without looking like an idiot. I think Gigi notices my change in demeanor because her eyebrows furrow and she says "are you okay?"
"Yeah, just feel a bit sick from the car." That wasn't entirely a lie.
She accepts this excuse and I greet everybody else. There are far more guys than there are girls. It's just me, Gigi, Nico's girlfriend and this one brunette who keeps drooling over Travis. I instantly dislike her but I don't know why. I overhear someone say her name is Shanelle. She has gorgeous curly hair and dark skin that looks smooth and soft.
Fuck you, Shanelle.
Once we're all inside again some of the guys help Calvin take up all our luggage while Gigi introduces me to everyone. Nico's girlfriend, Jessica, tells me she loves my new album. That makes my whole body go warm and so I decide I like Jessica. She has green eyes that remind me of gemstones and long blonde hair. I sort of miss my long hair but having short hair makes me feel cool. Like I'm older than I actually am, or something.
When the guys come downstairs, Travis makes a beeline towards me and I look around for an escape. I make some excuse to Gigi about needing fresh air and speed walk outside. Of course, that didn't work, and in seconds Travis is behind me, saying my name in that milky voice of his.
"Taylor, where are you going?" I debate whether or not I should pretend like I didn't hear him, but eventually turn around.
"I don't know. I needed some air. Car rides make me feel sick."
"Oh, okay." He nods and puts his hands in his pockets. "Um, I just wanted to see how you were, and all that."
See how I am? What?
"Oh. I'm good. What about you?"
He smiles and his eyes crinkle. "Yeah, I'm great. I'm sorry you feel sick, that sucks."
"Yeah."
"Well, um, if you need anything, I'm here. I can help." He smiles and I smile too.
"Thanks, Travis. I'll be fine in a second, though. I just need some fresh air."
"Good." He nods awkwardly before telling me he should go unpack and heading back inside. His words keep replaying in my head.
If you need anything, I'm here. I can help.
There's a part of me that thinks he wasn't talking about my car sickness.
***
We have a late dinner. The guys get on the barbeque and cook some steaks for us. Jessica bakes some frozen chips and I make salad. Shanelle keeps talking to me and I wish she'd stop because she's saying nice things and it's hard to hate someone when they're being so damn nice.
The smell of steak overtakes the room as the guys walk in. Travis is holding the tray and he's got this giant, proud smile. Calvin walks in with tongs and kisses my cheek on the way to wash them off at the sink. Travis watches this and narrows his eyes at Calvin.
"Dinner is served!" Nico says and places everything down on the table. We all practically run to our seats (it's 8:30 and we're starving). The steaks look so good and I instantly take one from the platter. I grab lots and lots of chips and squirt some sauce on my plate. The salad looks DELICIOUS (yay me) so I take a big scoop and-
"Are you really gonna eat all that?" Calvin looks at me with a furrowed brow and a smile that I know is only there because everybody else is in the room. My chest tightens as I look down at my plate.
It is a lot of food. But everybody's plates look exactly the same. I don't understand. I bite my lip and scoop some of the chips back onto the tray.
"Probably not."
Everybody else on the table has gone silent. My eyes sting and I scoop some of the salad back too. Calvin is still looking at me, but his smile has gone.
I swap my steak for a smaller one.
Nobody says a thing. Calvin laughs and says something about my eyes being bigger than my stomach. Travis stares at me and Calvin with a look of empathy and anger. I can't tell which one is directed at me. He probably can't believe I served myself such a big plate. I can't believe it either, so I wouldn't blame him. I feel ashamed. It was a lot of fucking food. Calvin was right. Nobody wants a fat pop star.
The conversation resumes and every digs into their food. I notice that everybody's plate is much bigger than mine. Calvin has almost double the amount of food. I eat everything slowly, but still feel hungry once it's gone.
I help to clear the table and Gigi announces she brought dessert. She takes two big punnets of ice cream out of the fridge, and a cheesecake. I cringe as we all sit down. This time Travis has moved next to me, and I'm sitting in between him and Calvin. Everyone scoops ice cream into their bowls except for me. My bowl stays empty.
"You don't want any dessert, Tay?" Gigi asks, and I notice she's been staring at me.
"Nah, I'm full."
"Ok." Everyone goes back to eating, and I decide to get a head start on some of those dishes. I fill up a sink with soapy water, and am just about to dunk the first plate when Travis appears right behind me.
"Woah, you scared me."
He raises his eyebrows the tiniest bit, "sorry, I'm not hungry either so I thought I would help."
"Oh, okay."
He starts drying the dishes that I've washed and I try my hardest not to stare at him.
"Why didn't you want any dessert?" He asks, and something drops in my stomach.
"I already said, I'm full." He doesn't look convinced so I add, "just like you are."
"Your plate had like, no food on it."
I search my head for something to say. Because he's right. I'm not full.
"I'm watching my weight."
He sighs, "are you watching your weight or is Calvin watching your weight."
This makes me angry but I don't know why.
"Calvin- Calvin's only trying to help. What he said at dinner was his way of helping. He didn't mean anything bad by it."
"Right. You do realize you don't need to watch your weight, right? You don't have an ounce of fat anywhere on your body."
I can't tell if this is a compliment or an insult. I take it as both. I look down at my arms as I wash and they look thin, and boney. I've lost a lot of weight. This makes me swell with pride.
"It's not a bad thing to want to eat healthy."
"Oh, I know. I'm an athlete, remember?"
I remember. I remember everything about him. He doesn't have to know that, though.
"Then you'll understand."
He doesn't seem to have a response to that and I smile in my victory. We continue washing the dishes until they're all gone. I'm not sure how I feel right now. A mixture. A mixture of every single feeling in the entire world.