Tainted Heart

When did her life get to this point? Was the question that was in Hope's mind. Here she was on the verge of crying because of a young freckle faced girl that without any warning had come into her life. And in little time (a month and a week to be exact) had made Hope feel so much for her. Something that, with Adrian, she had not been able to feel, regardless of being with him for months. She wasn't in love but she really liked Kelley, she saw herself falling for the younger woman, how could she not. Kelley was beautiful, childish, compassionate and god knows she could go on forever about the girl. But was she really worth the pain she was feeling right now? Another question invaded Hope's mind. She felt tears go down her cheeks.

"Get it together damn it!" She yelled into her empty house. She walked over and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the top shelf and opened it and just took a swing straight from the bottle.

"Fuck!" It was gross but she took another one and then set down the bottle. She went and grabbed a beer from the fridge and walked out back to the swing set, making sure to take the bottle of whiskey with her.

Fifteen minutes later she heard the front door open and heard Carli yell from the kitchen.

"Hope whats going on?! Where are you!?" Carli yelled and walked up stairs looking for Hope.

"I'm down here!" Hope yelled back without moving.

"You couldn't have told me before I walked all the way upstairs?" Carli complained finally finding her friend. Hope just rolled her eyes. "What's going on with you? You look miserable...."

"Oh thanks Carli," she said and started to bring the bottle of whiskey to her mouth when Carli stopped her.

"Oh hell no. You are not getting hammered. I'm not taking care of you like that, talk to me. What happened?" She tried to reach the bottle from Carli's hand but she slapped her hands away.

"Kelley fucking O'Hara that's what happened!" She brought her hands to her face feeling like she was about to cry again.

"That doesn't explain anything, I need details Hope. What happened?" Carli was trying to figure out what was going on. "Weren't you gonna like ask her to be your girlfriend tonight?"

That did it for Hope, she couldn't hold it anymore. She started to cry. Carli brought her in for a hug that only made her cry even more. After a few minutes they settled into a comfortable silence. Carli knew better than to try and push her friend to talk. She would do it in her own terms.

"I...I saw her kissing someone else," Hope said so quiet that Carli almost didn't hear her, almost.

"I will end her I ...ho-what happened?" She asked feeling herself getting a little worked up at what Hope had just told her. She liked Kelley. Hope had been so happy these last few weeks and she was sure it had a lot to do with the girl. But she wasn't going to let anyone hurt Hope again, she deserved better. She had been through hell already, multiple times, and she wasn't about to let anyone hurt her closest and dearest friend.

"I went to see her at her work and when I got there she was with this girl just outside the Bean. When I was about to reach them I see them kiss. She fucking kissed her! They pulled away and then when I was closer she was about to lean in again and Kelley wasn't even doing anything to stop her!" she rambled on only pausing to catch a breath, "Why the fuck do I even care? I mean we weren't even official right?"

"Did you talk to her? Or did you just run away?" Carli asked knowing her friend was a runner when it came to this kind of stuff.

"How could I Carli? How could I stay and let her see me so heartbroken?" She was starting to cry again. She hated how weak she was being, "Why does it hurt so much when we're not even together?"

"Oh Hope," Carli said hugging Hope softly, "You deserve better than that but you need to talk to her and at least let her explain."

"I just can't right now Carli," Hope said sadly.

Eventually they made it inside and settled on the couch with Hope's head resting on Carli's lap. Carli was absentmindedly running her hands through Hope's hair, which instantly worked to calm Hope. They were watching a random movie playing on TV, more like Carli was watching it, Hope was sleeping. She felt emotionally drained. Not the way she had planned for the evening to go.

Carli heard a knock on the door. She groaned, knowing that if she didn't answer the person would probably just knock louder and it would wake Hope up. But if she were to get up it might wake up Hope too. Finally she decided to see who it was. She gently set Hope's head on a pillow praying she wouldn't wake up. She didn't.

She opened the door to find Kelley at the other side with the same look she had seen on Hope earlier.

"What do you want?" Carli said harshly glaring at the other girl.

"I..I uh can I talk to Hope, is she here?" Kelley nervously asked feeling slightly intimidated.

"She doesn't want to talk to you," Carli said still glaring at Kelley.

"Please!" Kelley begged. "I need to explain she needs to kno-"she was cut off by the door swinging open all the way. Carli didn't even hear foot steps behind her. It took her by surprise that Hope was now there standing by her side glaring just as fiercely at Kelley as she had been earlier. Only the look Hope had was sad and disappointed.

"Hope please, I nee-"

"You need to leave. Please," Hope said with a defeated voice, "I can't do this Kelley I just I can't."

"So that's it? You're not gonna even let me explain what happened?" Kelley asked, the tears already welling up in her eyes.

"I think it's clear what happened, I wasn't the one locking lips with someone in the middle of town." She was now getting angry, "But it's not like it matters, we're not even together so why should I care?"

"Hope," Carli said carefully looking at Kelley. She was on the verge of crying, Carli could see the unshed tears in her eyes. She needed to stop her friend from unleashing on the other girl, or else she would regret it later, "look you're drunk Hope, go inside."

"You're not my mother," Hope said breaking eye contact with Kelley. Carli glared at her and for a weird reason (at least Carli thought it was weird) she listened and went inside.

"Look it's not a good time. She drank a little, or a lot, I'm not sure how much but right now she's not herself. Come back tomorrow and then you can talk to her." Carli could see Kelley was holding back tears.

"Ok," was all Kelley said before she turned around and left.

Hope's words had hurt. Hearing her say that they weren't even together, that why would she care, she knew Hope was probably just hurt and trying to hide her feelings. But it still hurt to hear her say that. She decided she needed to talk to her best friends so she drove home and called Alex.

"Kelley, hey!" Alex happily answered.

"Hey"

"Hey what's up Kell you soun-" she heard her sniffle, "are you crying?! Babe what's wrong, why are you crying? " Alex asked.

"Why do I always fuck up everything in my life Alex?" She let her tears fall, "she's probably done with me now and Sarah fucking -Sarah ruined my life once again!"

"I'm not following babe, what does Sarah have to do with any of this? I swear if she's the reason you're crying I will kill her." Alex was furious now, why was Kelley talking about Sarah?

"She showed up at my job, and she kissed me. Then Hope saw and now she won't answers my calls or texts. I tried to go see her but her friend told me to pretty much get the hell out, and now I think I lost her!" Alex could hear her friend crying and it killed her to know Kelley was again going through some shit thanks to Sarah.

"How fucking dare she just show up like , what did she think? You were gonna just be there waiting for her?" Alex said, "I have the weekend off, I'll drive there tomorrow morning and I'll see you in the afternoon or so ok babe?"

"No, Alex you don't have to do that I'll be fine," she had stopped crying, "I need to talk to Hope and you need to stay in Portland and spend the weekend with Tobs ok, I will keep you updated I promise."

After a good ten minutes of fighting about Alex coming to Seattle, and Kelley promising she would text or call every 2-3 hours to check in, she convinced her not to make the drive. They said their goodbyes and hung up.

Kelley found herself thinking about Hope. She decided to try and call her. It rang a few times then went to voice mail again. Of course it had, Kelley thought.

She then made up her mind, she was going to do whatever it took to get Hope to forgive her. She was worth it, Hope was worth fighting for.

Hope woke up to a pounding in her head. She was in her bed, but she didn't remember how she got here. She was about to move to get up when she felt someone bring her back down. She panicked for a second, thinking of what she could have done. The last thing she remebered was seeing Kelley's face at her door.

"Go back to sleep," Carli mumbled into the pillow, still holding Hope down with her arm.

"I need water and pills," she went to try and get up again and felt Carli hold her in place again.

"There's pills and a water bottle in the side table," Carli said letting go of Hope to turn on the light. "I'm gonna go pee and then we're gonna go back to sleep. I have to work tomorrow, I called Abby and told her you're sick so you don't have to show up at work this weekend at all."

"Thank you," Hope grabbed Carli's hand, "for this, for everything. I owe you so much."

"Don't mention it, I meant it when I said I would never leave your side." She smiled at Hope, "You're stuck with me Hope, just like I'm stuck with you. I love you."

"I love you too," she smiled back at her friend.

Hope was grateful to have Carli in her life. She wouldn't have been able to get through all that she has without her. God knows she could be a pain in the ass sometimes but Carli had a big heart when it came to Hope, regardless of what people thought of her. Hope knew Carli was a great person to have in her life. Just like she used to feel about Kelley. Or still feel. She had no idea what was going to happen after this but she needed to talk to her. She at least needed closure, or something that would put her at ease. She needed Kelley, as much as she wanted not to, she couldn't help it. The thought of loosing her, of not having her in her life anymore, it made her heart hurt.

"Hey you ok?" She was startled by Carli.

"Yeah I uh I'm ok" Hope forced a smile at her friend.

"You want my honest opinion," Carli got under the blankets, "I think you should let her talk before you make any decisions to cut her off completely. I know how you build these walls around you when you feel betrayed by people that are close to you, but I think you should give her a chance to talk."

Hope didn't say anything. She took the pills, drank some water, and got under the blankets. Maybe Carli was right, she had not given Kelley a chance to talk at all. She had just ran away as fast as she could.

"Thank you," Hope said again scooting over to put her head on her friend's shoulder.

"Thank me by never telling people we cuddle," Carli said jokingly, "I have an image to uphold, imagine if this got out to the world."

"Oh god no I wouldn't dare," Hope chuckled, Carli smiled at finally getting a little laugh out of Hope.

"Good then come on, snuggle me up good girl!" They layed there quietly until they both fell back asleep.

Hope had made up her mind. She was going to take Carli's advice and talk to Kelley. What's the worst that could happen, the worst had already happened. They could at least end things in a better place. And maybe, just maybe be friends.