So In Love
They bid their farewells half an hour later. Therese could have very well left right after Carol for she saw no point in staying a minute longer. She was used to feeling alone in the crowd, not quite fitting in no matter who were present.
With Richard it had been even worse. Apart from Dannie she could hardly stand his friends who were loud and often disrespectful, not necessarily in a misogynistic way but in a manner that oozed a sense of righteous male entitlement. And these guys were supposed to be the artists and humanists of tomorrow.
Gen had been busy talking with Abby and Georgia who'd evidently found her youthful nerve refreshing. Therese had walked across the salon floor where she had danced with Carol only a short moment ago. She had almost expected to feel a trace of their fleeting embrace which had made her cross the parquet reverently as if it were a hallowed ground.
There would never be any other memories associated with this room. Whatever would happen tomorrow or in the weeks to come, no matter how many times she would visit Abby professionally or otherwise, she would only remember Carol, the weight of her hand on her hip, the scent of her perfume mingling with her surreal blonde essence.
Even if her heart were to be broken she would love this room, adore it till the end of her days for it had already given her the happiest, most intense moment of her life. It was a weird thing to say about a mere space conceived of four walls, a floor and a ceiling, yet she knew it to be true. From this moment on this room would always be Carol as the Fifth Avenue on a blurry, rainy night was, as all canopy beds, every jocund, all small plates with tiny food on them in all the fancy restaurants everywhere. Always.
"You okay?" Gen asked after they'd left for she'd been quiet for a long time. "Spectacular", Therese replied exuding lightness and joy she'd never experienced before. "I loved it," Gen added wistfully. "What?" Gen smiled. "Seeing you so happy." Therese tugged her arm under hers. "I was, wasn't I? At least for a moment." Gen had a sly grin on her face. "You do realize that if it weren't for itty-bitty Rindy, you'd be between the sheets with the blondie this very minute? Oh my god, it just occurred to me – she’s your MILF!"
Therese sighed melodramatically. "Thanks for ruining this beautiful moment." But she couldn't help but think if Gen was right, if Carol would've otherwise taken her home with her. "You're thinkin' about it? Yes, you are! And you're blushing!" It was no use trying to stop Gen now, so she might as well enjoy it.
Seeing the crumpled sheets of her sad, miserable bed she felt suddenly very lonely. There was nothing wrong with it, really. Having invested a considerable amount of money in getting a decent sleep, she’d been quite pleased with her mattress. Hadn’t she woken up refreshed and ready to take on the world from it?
It just wasn’t what she wanted anymore. It wasn’t enough.
Next morning she got up all skittish about the night’s performance. “It’s not the piano you’re nervous about. You know your way around the keys better than anyone,” Gen had said. No, it was not that performance which worried her and made her stomach churn.
What was it about desire that made Therese so afraid all of a sudden? A part of her almost wanted to run screaming to the opposite direction. Almost. She wasn’t a virgin, for crying out loud, she’d been around the block a couple of times and there’d been nothing to it. And that was exactly the problem. She’d been quite okay with it but something told her such platitude just wouldn’t fly with Carol. She wouldn’t be okay or fine or chipper about it with Carol like with the men she’d gotten intimate with. Secretly she’d always been a bit confused about sex in general not really grasping why everyone made such a fuss about it. Well, I do now and I haven’t even kissed her yet.
She thought about a song on Carol’s repertoire and words she hadn’t really registered before made suddenly sense to her:
Even without you,
My arms fold about you,
You know darling why,
So in love with you am I.
It was scary to want something, someone, as much as she did. To replay an imaginary love scene in her mind so many times it nearly drove her mad. Actually, it had driven her mad for here she was again picturing folding arms, intertwining limbs, intensifying caresses... I really shouldn’t be thinking about this now.
Dannie and Alice picked her up at 12 to take her to brunch. “To celebrate,” Dannie had explained over the phone. Gen and Alex would be joining them. Therese thought it a bit premature to celebrate just yet but she was nevertheless happy to oblige. After all, it gave her something to do, something else to think about unless Dannie only wanted to talk about tonight.
“You look radiant today, Therese, you’re positively glowing!” Alice complimented as they had taken their seats in a busy SoHo diner. “This is nothing,” retorted Gen, “wait till you see her tomorrow morning”. Alex poked her side angrily. “Give it a rest, will ya?” Therese was grateful for Alex’s interference. Therese loved Gen to death but sometimes she just didn’t know when to shut up. “What’s this all about?” Dannie looked at them curiously. “Oh, it’s nothing. It’s just that I have the recital tomorrow, and a lot depends on how it turns out.” Therese forked her food absent-mindedly. “If it’s the piece you’ve been working on at the bar, you’ve got nothing to worry about.” He really meant it, she could tell.
“You guys coming tonight?” Alice aimed her words at Gen and Alex. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world”, Alex replied smiling at Therese. “I’m a sucker for old standards. Been listening to Billie Holiday a lot lately. Is she going to do any of her numbers tonight?” She. Therese flinched at the mere reference of Carol. “Yeah, a couple. I think we might even open with Easy Living.” There it was again, that word – we.
“Oh goodie! I love that one particularly even though the words are kinda silly, don’t you think? “It’s easy to live when you’re in love, and I’m so in love, there’s nothing in life but you blah blah blah" and the whole business of ruling the lover with just “one wave of your hand”... makes you think what kind of relationship good ole Billie’s singing about, right?” Alex was just getting started. “Chrissakes, Alex”, Gen snapped, “it’s about falling in love, not gender politics.”
Oh-oh, trouble in paradise, Therese thought amused by the sight of them getting into a heated argument. Would she and Carol one day be fighting over mundane things as well, she wondered. Would they disagree on some frivolous matter and be vocal about it? She couldn’t quite picture Carol mad or worked up over nothing but Therese knew she had it in her. She’d seen the cool, evasive side of Carol as well as her irritation when things didn’t go her way. The poor man behind the reception desk suffering under Carol’s glare. The memory made Therese smile.
“What’s so damn funny?” Gen was looking at her gloomily. “You guys are. I can’t think of any two people other than you who can make an argument out of an innocent song.” Embarrassed, Alex took a sip of her coffee. “Alice and Dannie here have to listen to your half ass speculations of whatever it is you’re really miffed about.” Dannie did indeed look a bit bewildered. “Sorry…” Gen squeezed his arm ruefully. “She’s a blockhead but she’s my blockhead.” Smiling, Therese averted her eyes from seeing the much too long kiss that followed.
Afterwards Therese headed over to Dannie’s to give her recital piece one more polish. There wasn’t really anything more she could do, she’d done her homework and as far as she was concerned she was ready. Walking over to the bar to get a soda she noticed a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne with her name on it. “Break a leg! Love, Abby” was written on the card. She grinned at the Birds of Paradise which peaked out of their wrappings like fabulous rainbow arrows.
The hours passed, slowly. They were to have a quick sound check at 9.30, an hour and a half before the show time. At ten people would be let into the stage area, seated, waiters taking their drink and food orders. They were a thirsty crowd, Therese knew it by her own experience. She’d been waiting and blocking tables many a night but not tonight. Tonight there would be other young girls carrying trays and wiping away spilled drinks, young girls with stars in their eyes. And she would bid farewell to the wide-eyed girl she once was and be with Carol. At Dannie’s, in New York, in Manhattan, in thousand cities – if Carol only wanted it so.
Finally leaving, Therese still had plenty of time to get to Dannie’s. She’d been trying on several outfits eventually settling on a simple black pants suit which complemented her petite figure. Carol hadn’t said a word about what she was going to wear for the spotlight so Therese thought it better to go with the understated look herself. After all, it was Carol everyone was coming to see and she would be more or less sitting in her shadow.
Standing in the doorway, she took one more look at her tiny flat and felt a tinge of nostalgia. She’d been perfectly content living here, happier than ever in her life so far, but if she were to return here alone tonight, this room would surely crush her spirit for good.
The crisp evening air soothed her skin as she walked across the street. Her mood was quiet and shy, humbled by ever growing anticipation and excitement. She had with her a single white, long stemmed rose she had picked for Carol. Passing parked cars, cabs in waiting, people walking by, Therese was smiling, seeing everything and nothing at the same time. She was alive, she was in love.
There was a long line in front of Dannie's when she finally reached her destination. She slipped in through the back door and bumped into Richard who was sorting empty beer bottles. "Hi..." Her greeting was met with an uneasy silence.
"Honey, can you bring out the beer keg as well..." A young woman appeared at the door. She fell silent upon seeing Therese. Richard picked up the keg and turned his back at Therese. "I'll take this in." The girl lingered at the doorway as if wanting to say something. Sensing her discomfort, Therese passed her by avoiding eye contact. Well, that was awkward.
"Richard's here." Gen greeted her nervously when she finally made it to the backstage area. "I noticed. Just bumped into him." She smiled at her friend soothingly. "It's okay. I'm glad he's got company. Right now he needs adoration." Dannie poked his head around the corner. "Terry, I'm sorry but I had to ask Richard..." He looked so worried it made Therese smile. "Give it a rest, both of you. I'm fine. It's not like I'm the jilted party, now am I?" Dannie was visibly relieved.
"Is she here?" Therese tried to sound nonchalant. Noticing the rose, Gen grinned approvingly. "Yeah, she got in a moment ago. Go see her." Therese glanced at the dressing room door. It seemed to glow in the dimly lit corridor. She took a deep breath and approached the room as if in a dream. This is the gateway to heaven or hell, she thought dragging her feet along. They felt heavy, like lead. She knocked on the door.
"Come on in!" Displeased, she picked up Abby's voice immediately. She could hardly recognize the room the moment she laid her eyes upon it. Plush white roses covered the entire space from floor to the ceiling. She hid hers by the door hoping no one would notice it. Abby did since she was facing her. "And here's our lovely pianist - and right on time. If there's one thing I appreciate in an artist, it's punctuality." It reminded Therese of Professor Robichek.
Carol turned around and smiled at her somewhat weakly. She seemed agitated. "Quite a display in here..." Therese managed to say. "It is, isn't it. I was just telling Abby I want every single one taken out immediately. For all I care, I don't want to see another white rose as long as I live!" Carol didn't like white roses? Therese cast a quick desperate glance at Abby.
"The flowers are from Harge," Abby explained and squeezed Carol's hand sympathetically. "Darling, don't let him get to you. He's just trying to psych you out..." Disgusted, Carol stood up and paced the room. "Well, he's doing a pretty good job at it..." She sounded heartbroken.
Therese wanted desperately to go to her and take Carol's hands into hers. Instead she started to clear out the roses with Abby. From the corner of her eye she saw her pick up each and every one of them and then discard the whole lot into empty cardboard boxes on the floor. All of them, except the one Therese had brought along. Don't, Therese wanted to say afraid of what Abby might do with it. She did nothing.
"Bloody Airds..." Carol fumed, "I don't think I can take this anymore. The constant meddling with my life... he's never going to leave me in peace, now is he?" Abby stared at her intently. "Calm down, Carol. You have to get your shit together, you hear? Harge may be an asshole but he's not your husband anymore." Therese hated Hargess Foster Aird with every fibre of her being. "He can't hurt you. Not now, not ever. And Rindy's a bright girl who knows better than to listen to the Aird clan badmouth you in front of her." All of a sudden, Carol looked scared, so fragile Therese was afraid she would hit the floor. I'llcatchyou. She could feel her muscles tensing, adrenaline flowing.
"You don't think he could come here tonight?" Carol's voice was no louder than a whisper. Abby shook her head decisively. "Don't worry, I'm way ahead of you. I told Mac to look for him if he had the nerve to show up. She's not gonna let him in no matter what." Mac was Abby's on/off bodyguard, a gorgeous African American woman who according to Gen who had chatted her up at the party could "give Foxy Brown a run for her money".
"I need a cigarette", Carol pleaded sinking back to her chair. "You're not going to smoke before the show and that's final." Abby could be ruthless. Therese felt helpless and what was even worse, useless, listening in to Carol's troubles, sensing her palpable agony.
Suddenly there was a loud commotion behind the door. "Sir, you're not allowed in this area, I'm going to have to ask you to leave..." Muffled sounds and then "like hell I'm going to leave!" The door was ripped open and there he was, the man of the hour, the biggest prick of them all staring at Carol, staring at the crumpled flowers flowing out of the boxes.
"Can't I see my wife on her big night?" he shouted angrily. "Your EX wife, Harge, the bias being on the first part!" Abby was getting seriously mad shooting disappointed glances at embarrassed Mac who was standing in the back.
"Harge..." Carol started hesitantly but was cut midsentence. "I have a perfect right to be here just like anybody else, and I've paid good money for it too!" Fuming, he turned his attention to Therese. "And who the fuck are you? The coat check girl?" The last words were aimed at Carol.
"I play the piano", Therese volunteered not recognizing her own voice, feeling stupid and worthless. "You sure know how to pick 'em..." he scoffed turning his back on Therese. Pianoplayers? Whatthehellishetalkingabout?
Something in Carol was switching gears and gaining speed. Slowly she rose from her seat as if she were a prize fighter who's been dealt a few punches but now goes for the kill. The temperature in the room dropped considerably, and Therese felt a shiver go down her spine. Enraged, Carol flung away a table that happened to stand in her way. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Blonde rage... How is it even possible to be this turned on, flashed through Therese's brain. She was dizzy, light-headed.
The man backed off visibly shaken by Carol's outburst. "I'm not finished with you yet!" he yelled trying to catch his breath. "OH YES YOU ARE AND SO AM I." She paused for a while. "It's so over - it's been over for such a long time and if you don't get it, you're a bigger fool than I pegged you for..." Mac made a move towards Harge who took a step back. "I'm going. No need to get any closer." He shrugged his shoulders and left.
"When's the sound check? We need to go over the song list, there are some changes I definitely want to make." All of a sudden Carol looked perfectly cool and composed. The incident had evidently pumped new blood into her veins. "In about ten", Abby informed, "but you'll have plenty of time afterwards."
"Excuse me... I'll be back in a flash." Therese needed to take a breather or rather breath into a paper bag. She walked out of the room her legs barely functioning and headed straight to the bar. "Everything okay?" Gen ran after her like a nervous puppy. Therese was too rattled to reply.
"A shot. Give me a shot. Now." Bemused, Dannie looked at her. "Of what?" Therese closed her eyes for a second. "Vodka, whiskey, gin. Anything." She was getting impatient. All these bloody questions, what's wrong with you people?!? Dannie poured her a rye exchanging puzzled looks with Gen. "Are you alright?" Gen asked her voice laced with genuine concern. "I will be once I down this one."
After the quick sound check and rethinking the song order she spent the last hour with her friends while Carol was getting into her costume for the night's performance. She could feel Richard's cold stare at the back of her head. She couldn't have cared less.
Most singers would never open their set with a slow number but then again Carol wasn't like most singers. Looking absolutely breathtaking in her red sleeveless evening gown she made damn sure there wasn't a single soul who wouldn't afterwards remember her exquisite rendition of I'll Close My Eyes.
Heaven sends
A song through its doors
Just as if it seems to know I'm exclusively yours
The audience sat in silent rapture. Raised glasses stayed midair, waiters forgot what they were doing.
Knowing this
I feel but one way
You will understand it too
In these words that I say
Her voice had an intimacy unparallelled by just about anyone, Therese thought.
I'll close my eyes
To everyone but you
And when I do
I'll see you standing there
Therese felt happy, ecstatic watching her deliver each word in front of her. Carol was also wearing a backless dress.
I'll lock my heart
To any other caress
I'll never say yes
To a new love affair
Still no movement any where. She could see people staring dewy-eyed at Carol.
Then I'll close my eyes
To everything that's gay
Carol winked at her oh so fleetingly.
If you're not there
To share each lovely day
Her smile was radiance itself.
And through the years
Those moments
When we're far apart
I close my eyes
And see you with my heart...
The crowd went wild, absolutely bonkers. Therese was grinning so hard her cheeks hurt. From then on it was smooth sailing all the way through. Carol could've sung the phone book and everyone would still have adored the ground she walked on. A star was reborn.
Afterwards there were people cramming into the small dressing room, everyone eager to shake Carol's hand, exchange a few words with her. She was gracious enough to comply, to answer all the questions thrown her way.
Therese was happy for her. This was after all what Carol had hoped for, what they both had been working so hard for. Yet she couldn't help but feel a little bit left out, abandoned and lost. She knew she was being selfish in her stubborn wish to have Carol all to herself.
Two men Therese hadn't noticed until just now seemed to be occupying most of her time. Abby joined in their conversation. She could see Carol being escorted out of the room, handed her fur coat, whisked away from her reach...
Her heart throbbing excessively, not believing what her eyes had just witnessed, she backed away from the dressing room all the way to the bar's back door. Therese could feel bitterness surging through, bitterness and anger which had no limit, no moderation. "What the fuck..." she heard someone faintly say and that someone was Gen finally coming into her focus, materializing in front of her on the street. Gen's face was a blur and it took time for Therese to realize that it was so because of the tears in her eyes. She touched Gen's hand in passing and turned away to leave.
"THERESE!" A single, sharp shout broke through, made it all the way to her eardrums. The voice was commanding, it left her no choice but to turn around and face its source. Breathless, Abby made her way across the street. "Are you okay?" Therese knew that even if she wanted to there was no way of hiding her tears. "NO!" It was all she could say not to fall apart in front of her eyes.
Abby took a firm hold of her shoulders. "Look, you're being silly now." She let out a heavy sigh. "You have to give the industry its share, and when something's hot, it wants it right away. If you want to be on the cover of Billboard magazine, you really have no other choice." She searched Therese's eyes closely. "It's a magnificent bore, I know, but it's a bore that either makes you or breaks you, do you understand?" Therese didn't want to understand.
"We made history tonight. That means you too. Did you really expect that no one would want to claim a share on it?" Therese didn't like the idea of sharing Carol. "If so, you're more naive than I thought. Don't disappoint me by hiding behind some silly pride when the truth is really much simpler than that." Abby's expression was serious, reprimanding.
"I feel like I'm a fucking Western Union here... You two have to get your communication working a lot better than this." Abby was cracking a sly smile, yet Therese had no clue what she was talking about. "One hour she was willing to give the journalists. ONE measly hour because she really wants to see you." Therese stared at her incredulously. "So stop bawling and get your ass over there at two. And that would be an hour from now, not tomorrow afternoon, you nitwit."
Therese could hear Gen wohooing, high fiving Alex. "Young people..." Amused, Abby rolled her eyes at them and left.