Chapter 4
Chapter 4
A beating heart. That was all she could seem to hear during the silence. That long, awful muffled crackling sound, you hear when someone is gone, or doesn’t know how to respond. She pondered at what Eren’s response would be. Maybe anger, or perhaps happiness.
“Uh...E-Eren?”
Still no response. Armin slowly raised his eyes back to Mikasa, who made a sad expression.
“Y-yeah, I’m here. M...Mikasa, huh? Our Mikasa?”
Our Mikasa. Her heart skipped another beat. Maybe things wouldn’t be as difficult as she first thought they would be.
“Yeah, Mikasa Ackerman.” Armin said quietly.
Another awkward pause. “I see. Where d’you meet her?”
“Uh, you know that old library I used to go to, to study for high school. There. She works there.”
“Pfft. What’s she doing working in a library?” Eren let out a scoff, Mikasa could tell through the muffled speaker.
“I didn’t ask. A jobs a job, though.”
The amount of silences made Mikasa wonder if Eren had changed in all this time. The chance was very likely, as it had been seven years. Eren never used to leave people hanging on broken sentences. He always had something to say.
“So, is that all you called me for, Ar? To reminisce about Mikasa? I thought I told you I didn’t want to ever talk about Mika- her again.”
The words he spoke were cold and felt like daggers to her chest. She felt old wounds re opening back up, and it hurt.
“No Eren, I have to tell you-“
“Arnin!” Eren snapped. “We’re done here. How can you just openly talk to her like I assume you did? She betrayed us-“
“Eren! Listen to me! She expressed an interest in...In seeing you again. Eren, she’s sorry. She’s going to try and mend what she has done. Only if you’ll let her in.”
“I refuse to. Not after what she did. We’re done here.”
Armin’s face sunk, as he pulled back his phone from his ear. He glanced at it, seeing Eren’s goofy face. He looked up, feeling like he let Mikasa down. A fresh tear fell out of her deep azure eyes, smiling sadly.
“Mikasa, I’m so sorry-“
She held up a shaky hand, stopping his speech. Mikasa stood up, her heat beat all over the place, wobbling slightly. “It’s okay, Armin. It’s okay.” She wiped tears from her cheeks.
“This is it. This is all I deserve. I understand now. I shouldn’t have ever said anything back at the library. I told you by the end of the phone call, I’d have my answer. And I do. I do. Thank you for everything you’ve done for
me, Armin. I’ll leave you alone you now.”
And with that, Mikasa left her chance of redemption, in the cafe.
She felt so dumb for crying about it. Mikasa knew deep down, that this was going to happen to her. She knew she didn’t deserve any kind of redemption, and the fact she managed to make Armin make that phone call for her, was all the proof she needed that she had to stay the hell away from them. At least she knew they were both okay, and that’s the only thing she could of hoped for, in reality.
Mikasa slowly circled around the wine in the fancy champagne glass, staring at it, and not really paying attention to anything. She sat on her windowsill, staring at out the looming grey sky, and the sulking rain. She always thought that whenever it rained, it was the most beautiful time of the day. The way it splashed onto top of roofs, or how it dripped from trees, forming puddles underneath, that maybe someone would accidentally step in.There was water inside Mikasa’s house, too. It glistened down her soft cheeks.
Pondering at her future was something Mikasa did on a daily basis, if there even was one to be had. She speculated if she would always be alone, but then scolded herself afterward. She never let anyone get in to try. The frail girl had shut so many doors, that it seemed practically impossible for anyone to get in anymore. The thoughts of meeting Armin some days ago fluttered into her head. Mikasa seemed so open to talk to him; she actually opened up to him...something she hadn’t done in a while, for anyone. Mikasa couldn’t bear to cut Armin out of her life just yet. She actually spoke better, clearly, when she was with him. That had to have meant something for her.
Feeling the urge to arise from her seat, Mikasa stood up, facing her door, which also happened to be a window. She saw her distorted reflection on a grey sky. It represented her, she thought.
Mikasa lazily grabbed the white handle, and pulled the door open slightly to let a soft breeze in. Suddenly, the friendly neighborhood black cat jumped down with a wet slap, onto her balcony outside, and ran inside with a shake, soaking Mikasa’s bare pale feet. She squealed, making the black cat, which Mikasa quickly remembered its name to be Midnight due to her encounters with her collar on, run across Mikasa’s bedroom floor. Midnight jumped on her bed, leaving quick wet paw prints across the bed sheets.
“Midnight!” Mikasa hissed.
Midnight flew smack into Mikasa’s wardrobe. Midnight being a rather large, yet fast cat, managed to make the whole wardrobe shake. Situated at the top, were some shelves, with piles of junk that was never sorted. A box, along with a few books Mikasa had probably read about a thousand times, came crashing down, which led to a terrified Midnight bounding out of the door, back onto the balcony.
Before Mikasa could scold Midnight, she was gone. Mikasa cursed, and wondered if black cats were lucky or unlucky creatures to tango with. She shut the door with a slight slam, wanting to cause no more trouble. She shook off her feet that were still slightly damp, and trudged over to her wardrobe, to pick up the mess Midnight had made.
She bent down, and picked the 3 books that fell. Three fairly familiar titles. Pride and Prejudice, To Kill a Mockingbird, Of Mice and Men. Her three most favourite books. Mikasa had read these countless times, letting herself get lost in a world of fiction. She was a quick reader, so could easily beat one on a lazy Sunday afternoon. The raven stood on her tip toes, tucking the precious books beside each other. Her eyes glossed back down to what was left on the floor. An upside down box. Thinking the contents of the little cardboard box was empty, she picked it up, letting everything fall out, or flutter down, making a light thump sound.
She cursed again, bending down, knees up to her chest. She picked up the few bits of card. Turning them over, she was greeted with a picture she must have taken back in High School. A sixteen year old Mikasa was making a piece sign with eyes closed. Her fingers were close to her cheek. Eren was next to her, two fingers in either end of his mouth, sticking his tongue out. Armin next to Eren, in mid laugh when the photo was taken. Mikasa couldn’t recall why the photo was being taken, but it reformed tears in her eyes.
She picked up the next photo. And the next. They were all photos of her, Eren and Armin, together, looking-being happy. Mikasa gathered them all up and tossed them to the side. Why had she kept them?
After wiping a few tears from her moist eyes, she reached a shaky hand for a scruffy looking brown book. It had fallen onto an open page. Mikasa soon recalled the book, as her old teen diary. She braced herself for what entry was soon to find its way into her memories.
12th September, 2016 @10:20
Dear Diary,
Sorry my hand writing is a little messy; I’m currently on a coach trip to some museum with my class. I actually really don’t want to be here. I feel kind of ill, and so many little things are pissing me off. I’ve had my seat down because Eren and Armin are sitting behind me together. I’m not sitting next to anyone, but its okay, more room for my bag I guess.
I’ve just put my seat up because I wanted to write today, and I didn’t know when I’d have the chance to, so I figure I might as well write now. Eren doesn’t get why I write in this thing, but it’s not just me, Armin has one too! It’s a good way to let all your thoughts out.
One thing that has been annoying constantly me is Hitch Dryse. Ugh, she’s so frustrating. She is sitting behind Eren with Petra accompanying her, and she has been flirting with him THE ENTIRE RIDE. What’s worse is, I think she knows that I like Eren, so every ten seconds she’d make evil eye contact with me. Bitch. I’ve never liked her. I think she’s spreading it, too. I’ll get her back. I will.
Every little thing someone does is pissing me off. I can’t take it; I’m really not in the mood right now. Why are we even going, how is this trip going to help my learning? Most people in my class probably think of this as a doss. I guess it is for them, but I actually want to pass, unlike some people. If only I could stop this trip somehow. Maybe if the coach broke down, we’d have no choice but to go home! Oh, I could just go home, and catch up on The Walking Dead!
I could do it, couldn’t I? Maybe if I messed around with the engine, or the tires? Maybe the coach would break down! It’s worth a shot. I just remembered Hitch is in my assigned group, along with Eren and Armin, and I AM NOT putting up with her longer than I have to. Alright, I’ll try. Hopefully we’ll stop for a gas break or something soon. I’ll report back if mission was successful!
Suddenly, a swooping hand came down on Mikasa’s mind, and snatched the diary right out of her hands. She glanced up, anger in her eyes, seeking for whoever the asshole was.
“Eh-hum,” Of course. Connie Springer. “Dear Diary,” He read out, in an incredibly high pitched ‘girly’ voice.
“Hey, give that back, asshole!” Mikasa raised her voice, reaching over her bag to snatch it back from Connie when he wasn’t looking.
“Agh, dangit! We could have gotten into the deepest darkest thoughts of Mikasa’s mind!” Sasha said, giggling. She, of course, sat next to Connie. They were nicknamed the Terrible Two, and gladly always lived up to their status, causing havoc wherever they went, sometimes on purpose, other times not. Mikasa gave them a glare, and put away her diary, sealing it up in her bag. She turned to push her chair down, but as she did, the teacher, Mr Smith announced the coach was taking a small stop.
It was a selfish thought, but as the rest of the class groaned, Mikasa gave a small grin. This was her chance.
Once the 104th class had loaded off the bus, they were asked to stand at the front of the coach. Hitch practically latched herself onto Eren, and Eren being Eren, didn’t do anything about it. All Mikasa could do was watch, clenching her hand into a fist. She knew she was being selfish, but she couldn’t help it. She gave herself the benefit of the doubt, as naturally anyone would be jealous.
Armin had noticed Mikasa’s silent rage, and decided to confront her about it. He lightly tugged on the sleeve of her top, not knowing if he was going to receive a punch in the face or not.
She turned to him and her expression softened. “Yeah, Ar?”
Armin joined Mikasa in watching an almost cringe worthy sight of Hitch clinging onto Eren’s arm. “I know it’s hard for you to watch,” Mikasa looked at him with wide eyes, and a fail looked of confusion was soon plastered across her face. “Mika, come on, you can’t fool me with that. I know you like him.”
Mikasa looked off awkwardly to the side, folding her arms. “Yeah, well, with the why this is going, I think the whole school is going to know, thanks to Miss Gossip Queen over there.” She angrily glanced in her direction.
“Come on Mika, you know I’m no love doctor, but there’s no need to get jealous over a little harmless flirting.” Armin said reassuringly.
“It’s not about that! I’m not jealous,” Mikasa snapped, raising her voice.
Armin raised his eyebrows, looking away. “Doesn’t look like it at all.”
Mikasa scoffed, and refused to look at the sight her eyes laid any longer. Now was her chance. She was quite near the back of the group, so she could slip away to the back of the bus without anyone noticing. When Armin was finally distracted, laughing at Marco and Eren’s antics, Mikasa slipped away from the rowdy bunch of teenagers.
She half jogged to the back of the bus, round to the engine area. Mikasa quickly looked around for something to break; anything she could do to stop this journey. Her eyes drifted toward the tire of the right hand side of the coach. She walked over and put her hands over it, trying to figure out a way to break it or pop it. She found the valve and pulled it out. Air squirted out into her face, and Mikasa recoiled in disgust. This was good, she thought, but not good enough. She crawled slightly under to reach around the back of the wheel, and recoiled her hand immediately, and saw it was covered in oil. Mikasa shook her head, and gingerly put her hand back it, trying to find something, anything to latch onto and screw out of place. She finally found something and twirled it until something dropped onto the floor. She gave a small smile, grabbing it and tossing it into the bushes at the side. She did the exact same thing for the front tire, on the same side.
She stood up slowly, wiping her mucky hand on her bag. She heard the call back for getting on the coach, and Mikasa couldn’t wait for this day to finally be over soon. Hopefully, it’d break down soon enough on the road, and they’d have no choice but to call it day until help arrived. She could barely wait.
Tears splashed onto the old wrinkled page. The diary shook in her hand, her other hand over her mouth. Her eyes were wide. How could she have ever written this shit? It was...Damn right horrible...disgusting. Mikasa felt like throwing up. She felt like such a sick and twisted person. She couldn’t use the excuse of being sixteen, as things clearly stated here that she knew what she was doing.
So she howled. She sobbed her heart out, crying, screaming. She screamed for all the people that lost their lives that day. It should have been her; she was the one who deserved to die. Only her. Mikasa threw the diary at the wall, and continued howling. She clutched her chest, and felt herself burning up. She couldn’t breathe. This was it.
Bing.
Mikasa slowly raised her head, and saw her phone sitting on the table a short away from her. The message was from Armin. Her eyes shook with more tears.
Armin Alert: I changed his mind. He’ll meet you, Mikasa. Eren will hear you out.