One step forward, two steps back
Clarke was somehow still reeling from anger over the fight that Bellamy and she had over the phone and the painting that may out in front of her was the living proof of it. The while paper has been smeared in blood red and black with the pale yellow and green playing in submissive. Anya and Clarke had been in talks about showcasing Clarke Griffin’s work again, and Anya had somehow with her silver tongue had coaxed Clarke into signing a contract, since she couldn’t let “Sky Princess” or so the art community had nicknamed her, slip from her fingers.
And Clarke couldn’t say she wasn’t happy, because she was and because this meant that she had to stay in NY quite more than she would want. But Bellamy’s life was grounded in California, his whole being was in California, shifting to NY meant uprooting his whole life and maybe that’s what ignited the flame to their discussion. Another reason, might have been the fact that she might have wanted very gently tried Bell to postpone the “wedding date” while, Clarke was pretty sure was like adding flames to the ignited flame.
Ok, so the real reason, Clarke was so angry because she was angry with herself and lately all she could think was of Lexa. Her articulately beautiful face was everywhere, her melodious, husky voice was as if the only sound she heard and that wasn’t even the worst thing that could happen to her. The worst was yet to hit her, she might still have very positive feelings towards her ex-lover. The ex-lover was yet to know about Clarke’s present lover, um , fiancé.
I hope, I can change the way you think about New York, about me, Prisa.
You already have, Lexa.
She didn’t know how she should describe it, but it was as if the winds carried her words, echoing into Clarke’s ears. The ringing of her phone busted her out of her trance, her scowl evident on her face as she greeted the caller without checking the caller id.
“What?”
“Maybe I should call back another time?”
Whatever negativity that Clarke had in her dissipated in thin air as she smiled into the mellow voice, “No, it’s just not have been such a good morning.”
“Oh.”
Clarke didn’t know how her own mouth betrayed her, as she shyly whispered a, “Hi”, in into the phone.
“Hello.”
The response was equally in hushed delicacy like herself, from the other end. The obviously flustered voice cleared her throat as she spoke out,
“I have tickets for tonight’s baseball game and Anya pretty much ditched me for some date on the nick of time, so I was wondering if you would accompany me?”
The reply was too immediate.
“So I’m your last resort? Geez, thanks, Woods.”
“Well, Anya told me you were busy with your art so I didn’t want to intrude.”
Clarke could almost feel Lexa biting her lips, in anticipation and nervousness, even if she wasn’t with her, not with; with her, but you know, anyway
“You could never intrude; you are always welcome.” Clarke might have cursed her own mouth for betraying her so blatantly.
There was some throat clearing on both sides, yet again.
“Its Red Sox v/s Yankees, Clarke. It starts at 5.30 so I’ll pick you up. Can’t be late to that.”
“Sure.”
Sure, that she was not. Baseball matches were not her scene. Yes, Clarke was well aware of the baseball teams, but she somehow never understood their rivalry over a stupid ball. No offense, and it’s not that she would ever tell this to anyone but baseball and Clarke were more like side-line strangers. And no, she didn’t ever watch a single baseball match even though Bell had persuaded her so many times. It was boring and yeah plain boring.
Apparently Clarke’s boring-ness was like flying pheromones that even Lexa could see them from miles ahead but Lexa was squealing with excitement way too much to actually point it out. She was already worn a Yankees jersey and a Yankees hat, all in all she screamed.
The door to the stadium was something close to pandemonium. No, it was avalanche, only of humans. Everywhere Clarke looked she only saw heads and heads, people from all walks of life has apparently graced her with their presence, from families to friends to even screaming supporters to quite lonely people, all where there emitting out an aura of excitement and happiness that Clarke couldn’t help but melt in.
“I don’t know a B of baseball, Lexa.” Clarke grumbled out like a 5 year old not willing to go out of the car, feeling a tad bit stupid amidst everyone.
“Then you’ll watch and learn. And even if, which I think you won’t, for some very absurd reason you still happen to find it boring then that’s all right too Clarke.”
Lexa took off her Yankees hat and placed it tenderly on the blonde’s head, who wore it with grace.
“You already look like Yankees fan, Griffin. “
No sooner they bypassed the doors to the stadium, the spectators separated like the Red Sea, a clear line of demarcation between the reds and the blues, the people scowling and growling at each other as if they had just entered the World War zone.
Sometimes there were cheers so hard, that it was ear deafening and sometimes the silence was too long that it was heart-shattering. In a lapse of 3 hours and 17 mins , Clarke felt herself swaying to the rhythm of the play, questioning Lexa time and again about this and that, and cheering as loudly as she could whenever she got the chance. The game had been a total roller-coaster, surging of emotions of sorts and the last two minutes were undoubtedly the hardest, Clarke and Lexa holding on to one another. A home-run was needed by the Yankees to seal the deal but doing it so under the wrath of the Sox pitcher hasn’t been a cake on the walk.
The whole stadium lay in a graveyard silence, and it was only when the ball had been hit so far that it disappeared into the thousand heads of the Yankee stadium, that the commentor had started to sing praises of the batsmen, a roar broke all hell down. The Yankees had sealed the deal with a kiss. Or at least Lexa and Clarke did. It wasn’t too passionate, it was more like a brush of two pairs of lips in the heat of the moment but it was there. And for a few seconds, earth stood still for the pair.
“I have to say Clarke, you make a good cheerleader.”
And just like that, all the awkwardness whammed as if it was never there. At least for the time being.
The quietude in the car persisted as both of them had been adrift to their own Neverlands. Clarke would time and again try her best not to glance up to her much stoic companion who’s eyes sought out the road in front. Calm and bereft of emotions, yes, that was what Clarke saw on her face. A blank slate much unlike hers. Clarke couldn’t get own that feeling of her ghost lips, it had been barely a touch, yet her lips burnt. Clarke didn’t know what was going on in Lexa’s head, what if she just did it in the heat of the moment, what if it didn’t mean anything, what if it meant something, what would this mean for her ,for Lexa for Bellamy. Oh God, Bellamy, oh my god, shit. Clarke needed a drink, no, she wanted to drown herself in a carton of whiskey.
Lexa might have feared that the circulation in her hands would stop anytime soon since she had been gripping the wheel to tight for her liking. She didn’t know how could she be this stupid, Clarke and she, they had been trading on thin ice, their renewed friendship has been good to her and now she has probably put a ten feet deep hole in that because of her stupid feelings. Clarke had said she fell for Lexa, that she had loved her. Past. Loved. Not anymore. But Lexa was going to get whatever Clarke would give her, no ifs or buts, she would wait for Clarke to make the move first. Ok, wait it out. Yes, Lexa would kill for bourbon now.
Le Bain.
A penthouse discotheque and rooftop bar on the top floor of The Standard, High Line in the Meatpacking District featured a state-of-the-art sound system and exclamation-inspiring views.
The crowd that was outside the nothing compared to the ones inside. According to Lexa, there had been tight policy door that ensured that the people inside were privileged, and once you get past that velvet rope that dance floor was all yours.
“How do you have a card then? A member?”
Curiosity was an untamed trait in Clarke that always got the better of her, but she knew for sure that there was a story behind this too. With Lexa, there was always a story.
On the sunken dance floor, hip to hip crowds gyrated to deep beats from top DJs, energetic explorers conceivably had apparently skipped the daytime completely indulging themselves in the lavishing cocktails.
“Costia introduced me and the owner and I became acquaintances of sorts. Perks of being a NYT official. Soon enough you are going to be a hot favorite, Griffin.”
There was a slight hitch in her voice upon mentioning Costia’s name didn’t go unnoticed by Clarke though.
“No, no. Just positive thoughts today, Lex. Just you and me, today like old times.”
Like old times, huh?
“I’m going to get myself a drink. Can I get you something?”
“Surprise me, Lexa Woods.”
There was a cutting tone underlining Clarke’s voice, that playful smirk already in play against her lips. Lexa took a few steps forward until she was inches away from her, she bends over to Clarke, her lips almost brushing Clarke’s ears, her voice coming out like a purr, “You do know, Griffin, I’m a woman of many talents, am I not?”
Clarke was quite some distance away when she saw Lexa shaking her head vehemently to a brunette. As she speaks, Clarke could almost feel Lexa’s turmoil talking to the still face guarded brunette, her face transforming from excitement to worry, tipping in between sorrow and guilt. Clarke almost ran half the way up, bitter thoughts crossing her mind, what if it’s her health, what if Lexa’s going to run out on her, what if she wasn’t all right….
But all the worry and concern became inked in green jealousy as the brunette … Costia? Bend over and kissed Lexa on the cheek and almost giving back a sad smile to Clarke before she disappeared out through the exit. Was Lexa backed with Costia or something? How, when, why? But then what about Costia’s partner? Did Lexa even know about him? No matter what her thought it always ended with Lexa and somehow Lexa being with someone else, anyone else felt like a bullet in her heart.
in between the thoughts that wrecked her soul, Clarke almost lost sight of Lexa who was moving fast past the people towards the parking lot, towards her car. No matter how hard, she called, Lexa seemed to have tuned her out so Clarke had no choice but chase her down. When she was within arm’s reach, she pulled Lexa by her shoulders, ready to rant out her speech of leaving her behind when she came face to face with a tear stricken Lexa.
Sometime during her stay in NY, Clarke had asked Lexa the question that had always been haunting her in some minute form or another, so one fine day, Clarke blurted it out, “Who was Costia to you, Lexa?”
Who was she? How important was she to you?
“Costia was a little bit of everything to me, Clarke. She has been a friend I could ever wish for, a lover who somehow I couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings towards, a second daughter that Indra was proud of, a well-wisher of my health and a confidante of my struggle. She’s family to me, Clarke.”
She’s family to me.
Those four words, the way Lexa said them has been cemented in her soul for eternity.
She was already running late but Lexa couldn’t leave find her pills. Almost whole of her apartment was shuffled, she tried to leave no corner untouched but that burning anxiety in her chest was making her head too heavy and she couldn’t think straight. She was cursing out and no matter what she did, from her bathroom to her kitchen, to even her most hidden of places, she couldn’t find them. Her breathing was getting more frantic, her movements got slackened and before she knew it, blackness engulfed her like twirling thick smoke.
She tried her best to open her eyelids but they weighed like a ton each, and whatever peek she got they were mostly a blur but two familiar voices caught her ear along with a rather rough voice. She tried to voice out but her throat was all of a sudden dry and too itchy. The bed underneath was soft, much unlike the cold hardwood, she fell on. She didn’t know if anyone saw her gaining that glimpse of consciousness because in a moment’s wink of an eye, she dozed off into a land with dreams.
Ok, so I’m in a hospital. That was Lexa’s first thought presumably. Shit, I’m in a hospital. That was her second thought for sure. She took in the same old room setup yet again, different hospital but the same old same rooms. Lexa often thought that the hospitals should brighten up their wards, it would certainly spike some interest in people even if they dislike it. What was that saying, every bad publicity is still publicity. Lexa started fidgeting with her IV tubes that were connected to her hand and when she held out her hand to touch that slight hinge on her forehead, she led out a little yelp.
“Doctor said that it’ll hurt for a while.”
Costia entered and sat at the end of her bed, all the while looking at Lexa, who quite noticeably did her best to avoid those piercing doe eyes. Yes, Lexa had apparently lied, or rather withheld the truth about her condition (that’s still lying though) because she wanted to be normal. Just normal for once. And since Costia was aspiring to be a doctor, that added more reason more Lexa to avoid the topic but somehow Lexa knew that Costia doubted her, well a sick person like her couldn’t be very slick at hiding.
“You literally gave a heart attack, Lexa.
I read your charts. And I guess, I can relate as to why you didn’t tell me but I somehow can’t put away this feeling that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me, even as a friend.”
Yes, that was how Lexa came to talking to Costia for the first time during the summer classes of photography at NYU. Costia’s mother had been suffering from leukemia for quite some time and often he tried to push away her family, because somehow she wanted them to evade seeing her pain, the pain that was in a sick way mocking him. She heard that he injected himself with some sort of medicine for she couldn’t put her family through hell. It wasn’t a few weeks after, that Lexa found Costia crying in her arms. Her fight is over. That day Lexa decided that somehow she would not let her friend go through that away.
“I should have told you.”
“Damn, right you should have. I should have noticed it before even so.”
“Well, I do live to fight another day, so no biggie.” Lexa gave her a half smirk.
“Don’t your dare laugh about this.”, that tone was one Lexa knew too well.
“Come here.”
And Costia threw her hands around Lexa who accepted her in whatever form her weak hands could do.
“Its treatable Lexa. Its treatable.”, Costia was nearly on the verge of her outburst.
Lexa might have trembled just a bit, hope was never her was it, but Costia held her, “Don’t you dare give up. You don’t have to do this alone, Indra doesn’t have to do this alone anymore. You have me too.”
“Yeah, where is she anyway?”
“Cafeteria food sucks so she went out to get some food.”
After a beat, Costia asked, “Want a cheeseburger?”
“You just had to ask, didn’t you?”
Lexa had a no-relationship policy, maybe because she didn’t have anymore to give to anyone. Because just maybe she have her remaining bits to a certain Prisa. Lexa often grew nostalgic and somehow after living California, and her behind that had only intensified. Lexa would often justify herself in the mirror that her said clinic and college were all in New York, that she did the right decision of letting her go before it fossilized them both but the heart wanted what it wanted. She had grown paler often the year, physically weak even though mentally she stood astute, her eyes might have lost that glistening freshness maybe because she lacked that blue sky to illuminate her path. Lexa thought a lot, her parents would sometimes occupy her mind more than she could give credit for, the ones whom she had lost at a very tender age of 2. Honestly, she didn’t remember them that much, they seemed to be alive only in the picture framed memories anyway. From that age of 2, her world revolved around Indra, the woman who took her under her wings and made her what she was today. But that didn’t stop Lexa from discriminating herself, she wanted Indra to be proud of her, of her stature, her accomplishments and maybe that had been what had put her through all these years along with the unquenching thirst of seeing the world.
Weeks turned to months and in that time she often found Costia catching stolen glances at her, the ones if Lexa wasn’t mistaken, one would share with their crush or lover? Costia and Lexa, they were been through a lot together and often there were times when they even crossed that line of friendship but so Lexa is was more of an improvisation of sorts but maybe to Costia it was more.
“We shouldn’t continue this.”
“What?”
Costia might have been a bit half dazed from the last orgasm so she didn’t hear her correctly or even if she did she maybe didn’t want it to be what she heard.
“We shouldn’t continue this.”
After a beat, Lexa added, “I don’t do relationships.”
“I know.”
“I thought we set rules, some boundaries.”
“We all have them, but we often fail to follow them. Don’t we, Lex?”
Yes. True. Costia for Lexa. Lexa forClarke.
“I can’t give you what you want Costia.”
“I know that too, Lex.”
Sometimes during their night-outs together, Lexa’s mind often flooded with images of that night with Clarke. A single night with infinite flame that could have light up the entire town. A night when she was just her Lexa and she was just her Clarke. Costia didn’t miss that faraway and longing look on Lexa and sometimes she rigged of jealousy, of who might be that woman to steal away that heart and sometimes Costia would smile to herself that whoever she was, she had Lexa forever.
“Has it ever happened to you, Cos, that you meet that someone who just leaves their footprints in you and somehow you’ll never be the same again?”
I have. Lexa’s thoughts beamed so loudly that Costia almost shuddered underneath them.
curled her friend underneath her arms, as they both got seated in the cramped up back seat of her car.
“Did Costia hurt you?”
The sheer vexation in Clarke’s voice made Lexa feel that slight amber of heat somewhere in her gut.
“No.”
“Then what ----“
“I deserved it, Clarke. I do.”
Lexa pulled her face away from Clarke to face the other side, the blackness of the outside wall. The tears, thought they have dried up, the streak of stream that had run down her cheeks were quite evident. When she let herself relive her talk with Costia that evening, Lexa could feel the dam inside herself was about to break anytime soon.
“Tell me what happened? Did Costia say something? Please, tell me what got you so broken? Let me be there for you, Lexa.”
“When I said, Costia was like a daughter to Indra, she truly was. When I said she’s family to me, she truly is and when I say that it’s my fault, it truly is.”
There was a momentary pause,
“I didn’t attend the funeral. Her funeral. I was away, you know.”
Her voice broke with unshed tears.
“I was in Alaska that time and Indra’s health had been fluctuating for quite some time then. I was on the verge of my promotion and that article would have sealed the deal. It did but and add to my luck that perhaps the biggest snowfall had hit Alaska this decade. Costia, Anya … they left me countless messages, voicemails, you name it.
Messages got in but I couldn’t send one out. No private planes were willing to fly to the south, they couldn’t risk it, no matter the emergency. A week passed and by the time I was home, she had already been buried. I didn’t even get to see her one last time, the woman who took care of me, I didn’t even get to tell her how much I respected her, needed her, how much I loved her, how much I was sorry. The weight of these words unsaid, they are too heavy, Clarke and I just can’t ---“
She thought that Lexa would move away from her, unearth those walls around her to barricade her but Lexa snuggled closer to her, as she lay her head on her neck, gripping her tightly by her waist. Clarke could feel the tunic of her dress slowly getting wet but she couldn’t find any words of what to say. Sometimes it was better to be silent, anyways. So instead she took Lexa’s hands in her own, may Lexa will know that she isn’t alone. Not anymore.
It was just 2.20 am in the morning and Lexa and Clarke had never felt for awake. They had somehow promised that they would revive their Yankees spirit and ended up “awing” and “owing” and constantly giggling the barren streets of Little Italy, usually in an urban neighborhood. ethnic enclave populated primarily by Italians or people of Italian ancestry.
Lexa was almost on the brim of eating up her own fingers as she ogled the remnants of the Italian pizza. Clarke and she had been walking for quite some time now, their fingers brushing now and then and Lexa might have started to limp just a bit in her prosthetic leg but when Clarke tried to stop her, she mumbled about a “169 Bar” and “needing a good drink”
For the second time, today in the span of 8 hours they entered another bar but the atmosphere here was a contrast to that of Le Bain. The 169 seemed an obscure place to get a beer on the cheap and its inhabitants choosing whatever poison they wanted and yes, drinks were flying around as if it was just 11pm. Lexa and Clarke decided to go total hardcore as Lexa thrusted a whiskey in Clarke hands, no sooner than she herself downed her contents in a single gulp.
“Slow down there, Commander.”
Lexa quirked an eyebrow at that nickname as she hushed out a, “Then you better gear up faster, Prisa.”
Almost in a challenge, Clarke inhaled in her drink. Ok, so Clarke wasn’t a straight up whiskey patron but damn, it felt good.
“I’m running out of stories to tell. Share me yours?”
Share me, yours? Golden opportunities like this doesn’t come knocking at your door often and yet this was the right time to tell Lexa about Bellamy. Lexa deserved to know. She did. Often Clarke felt like she was cheating on Lexa by carrying out a very entangled affair with Bellamy Blake in the background even though it should have felt the other way round, but hear hear, it didn’t. And yeah, she might also ask or show hints about that chaste kiss too.
Clarke ordered another refill from the bartender, and Lexa gave her a raised eyebrow in return.
“Liquid courage.” Clarke thought aloud.
Lexa was all ears but like always, or so it appeared to Clarke, they were interrupted by two girls, one of them who even had the audacity, ok notch it down a level, Griffin, had the ability to pull in Lexa for a much too tight hug for Clarke’s liking, who even returned the hug enthusiastically.
The bubbling blonde girl seemed too excited to have spotted Lexa, “Heda, finally gracing us with her presence after you disappeared out on us,” pointing to that raven haired giraffe legs on her right and herself.
Heda? Maybe I need to carry a translator too.
Lexa nervously glanced to Clarke, who raised eyebrows, dared her to make the move, almost questioning her. Finding her voice, Lexa introduced the people about,
“I had some other assignments. And yes, Clarke meet Niylah and the Miss Grumpy here, Selene.”
The blonde one winked at Clarke but she stopped whatever she was going to do upon receiving the death glare from Lexa.
The black haired one however or the so called Selene feigned innocence as she playfully hit Lexa by her arm, purring out a “I distinctly remember “Grumpy” to be not amongst those words you said to me the last time you were in my bed, Heda,” which was loud enough for even Clarke to hear despite the ear barring music.
Clarke faced felt like turning to stone and Lexa violently coughed of her drink, muttering a “Jesus” under her breathe. Lexa immediately turned to look up at Clarke who had found the disco lights to be quite suddenly more intriguing.
Niylah, on the other hand, was in a way narrating a long-short version of how the whole “gang” had met Lexa during her stay in Ukraine or so that was the part that Clarke had listened to before she tuned out the blonde completely.
“Lexa, the whole gang is here and just join us, why don’t you, I’m pretty sure, we all have a lot of catching up to do. ” Yet again, purred Selene. Enough with the purring, bitch.
A lot of catching up to do? Really? Can she sound anymore obvious? Couldn’t she see that Lexa already had company? Clarke eyes might have been shot up like saucers and she was afraid the whiskey glass on her would crack any second. Her eyes darted to Lexa would seemed be contemplating it. Really?
Lexa looked up to Clarke, as if she waited for her to say something, anything. But she sat there like a statue craved in marble. She might have glanced up at her for a moment or two before looking back to the dance floor. Lexa had seen how Niylah’s eyes were drifting to the blue-eyed girl time and again and it didn’t help her when Clarke was so intently listening whatever Niylah was babbling on.
“I’ll go and say hi to the gang, ok?”
Lexa waited for her to say something, don’t go or at least take me with you but Clarke nodded her head in acknowledgement. As if she almost didn’t care.
“I’ll keep her company, Lexa.” The much oblivious Niylah chirped in.
So that was what Clarke saw – Selene pulling Lexa by the arm, dragging her to meet the gang, Lexa head falling behind as she laughed to something that long-haired guy babbled, the crashing of beer bottles and Selene moving in and kissing Lexa. Not her. Never her. That was it before, Clarke pushed the nearing Niylah and her nearing lips, and ran out of the exit. She heard the concerned wails of Niylah, not Lexa, but she didn’t stop. She ran.
They were in Manhattan, just a few or 10 blocks away from her hotel. So Clarke ran, as if her whole body was on fire. She ran as she felt so stupid for wearing her heart on her sleeve yet again for Lexa. She ran out of jealousy, on seeing Lexa laugh so openly with strangers and not herself. She ran because she knew she had no claim on Lexa, because unlike Clarke who had lied to her, Lexa never did, she was free to be with anyone who she liked, anyone who accepted her. She ran ignoring the glances of people who cast her worried looks. She ran because she felt her heart break again.
Her blouse and the skirt seemed drenched in sweats and tears. She jumped slightly on the slight opening of her room door, which she sure she had locked up. And her breath hitched on seeing the intruder.