Now there's winter in my heart
Lexa didn’t know what happened. Ok, she might have a tad bit idea but still it was very vague. All she knew or from what she deduced from Niylah’s description was that, she might have tried to kiss Clarke, which might have made Lexa run her fist down Niylah’s throat but Selene stopped her, and maybe she had been uncomfortable or something so she ran out like her ass was on fire.
Lexa was panting. The moment she found about Clarke’s disappearance, she roared her engine to live and zoomed up to the first destination that she might thought Clarke to be. And like a cherry on top of Lexa’s disaster, the elevators in Clarke’s hotel had been off so she had to run all the way to the 5th floor.
Lexa stood in front of Clarke, or vice – versa but Clarke didn’t move or say anything. She just stood there. Lexa took admission into Clarke’s room and flung her legs to sit up on the cold bed. Getting her breathing under control, Lexa spoke.
"Ever thought of running a marathon, Griffin?"
Poorly executed joke, Lexa.
Clarke seemed stoic as ever. She took Lexa before turning her back to whatever she was doing. She wasn’t doing anything in particular, anyways.
“What are you doing here, Lexa?”
“I came to find you.”
Lexa’s eyebrow scrunched in confusion. What the hell is she talking about?
“Stop being naïve. I meant, what are you doing here when you should be in Selene’s bed?” Clarke turned to face the other girl who’s face really reflected confusion. Oh my god.
“You… what.. you think I should be in Selene’s bed? You want me to be in her bed?”
“No. NO. I would never want you to be in anyone else’s bed other than….
You wanted to be in that vile girl’s bed. Not me. You. Who just let her kiss you. You.”
Clarke closed the distance between her and the risen girl emphasizing on the “You” while she poked her each finger on her chest as she pinpoint it out. Lexa might not say it aloud but the mocking pinching actually hurt her chest.
“You know, Prisa, green is such a lovely color on you.” An all too well knowing smirk escalated on Lexa’s face that Clarke would just love to kiss off.
And so she did. She pulled Lexa in by the collar of her pants and crashed their lips together. Clarke hungrily sought her lips. It took a second for Lexa to realize what was happening, but when Clarke bit her bottom lip, moaning into her mouth as she begged entrance for her tongue in. The kiss was anything but gentle, it was rough, firm, teeth-biting and tongue soothing kind of a kiss. But when they pulled back they gasped for air, not because the kiss was long but it literally took their breathes away.
Foreheads rested against each other, as Clarke ran her hands on the strong outline of Lexa’s face, facing feather kisses down the trail.
“I wanted to kiss you for a long time, Lexa and I was scared that maybe, just maybe you wanted her too. You seem to bring out the best and the worst in me.”
“Not everyone. Not anyone.” Just you.
She grasped her wrist and pulled her down upon her.
“I want to kiss you, Clarke. I want to do so much more than kiss you.”
Light one up and hand it over, rest your head upon my shoulder.
I just wanna feel your lips against my skin.
Clarke’s eyes widened at the declaration. The mere mention of Lexa’s kissing made her pulse racing.
“Are you drunk, Lexa? Please tell me you aren’t.”
Clarke was desperate to know this wasn’t just the alcohol talking. She needed to know that she wasn’t the only one here whose heart was beating 400 beats a minute, she needed to know that she wasn’t the only one who couldn’t help but devour in the sight of the other, to inhale in her air, to breathe from her lips, to touch her skin so lightly as if she had set fire on it.
“Oh, Clarke, I’m drunk, after all these years, I’m still drunk on you.”
White sheets, bright lights, crooked teeth, and the night life.
You told me this is right where it begins.
The uncertainty and restraint dissolved in a wave of lust and joy. She kissed her hard. One arm went around her as she fell beside Lexa onto the furs. Her kisses trailed down her neck, nibbling at her earlobe constantly till Clarke made a yelp. Yes, that was her pulse point. Clarke’s hands delved into her thick hair as she brought her mouth over hers. There was a mild taste of rum in her breathe as Clarke’s tongue begged for entrance which Lexa gave to her with any hesitance.
Clothes were getting disregarded far too fast, Lexa already jumping to get rid of her buttons, cursing mildly when she couldn’t get them undone fast enough as Clarke danced around Lexa buttoned up top, unzipping one at a time, all the while almost grinding their bodies together. She didn’t know how exactly but now Clarke lay with her with on the bed, her white blouse somewhere on the ground and she gasped at the sharp exquisite shaft of pleasure that shoot through her as Lexa’s palm covered her breasts. She became aware of the rising liquid heat between her legs and irresistible urge to press closer against her.
But your lips hang heavy underneath me.
And I promised myself I wouldn't let you complete me.
When Clarke moved her, lifted her lips to match her rhythm, Lexa tensed involuntarily and she paused, her eyes searching the forest ones.
“What’s wrong? You don’t want this?”
“Yes, oh yes, I want this”, she hesitated. Then said in a rush, “But I’m scared”
“Of what?”
Clarke, pushed back the strand of hair from her sweaty forehand as she caressed Lexa’s cheeks. Her flushed cheeks and dilated green eyes, even in the hollowness of the night, they could always take her breathe away.
“I’m not like before Clarke. I’m scared of disappointing you, of not giving you what you what.”
Clarke very well knew what she was pointing as. Her eyes, tender, she spoke, “You are enough, Lexa. You are more than enough.”, as she bent over to lock lips with her lover.
“Let me make love to you, Clarke,” she whispered as her hands moved under her tattered skirt, releasing the ribbon at her waist. Her clothing fell aside, Lexa stilled to gaze down at her naked figure. Her holy grail. In three years, her beauty has increased exponentially, it was as if time had failed to touch her. The perfection of her curves, the sweet mold of her soft breasts, her flush read skin, Lexa
didn’t know how lucky she could get. Clarke felt her stare, but it was admiring her and oddly she felt almost naked in her vision, she literally was but naked without any walls, any barriers. Just them tonight, just Clarke and Lexa.
“You are so beautiful, Clarke Griffin,” as Lexa licked her collarbone.
I'm trying not to let it show, that I don't want to let this go.
Is there somewhere you can meet me?
Clarke pulled back the covers the bed, placed her hand on her knee and painfully slowly she skimmed them higher and higher, her thumbs dipping to skim the line of Lexa’s panties, slipping under the fabric but not yet touching her where she wanted, needed her the most.
“Clarke, please,” Lexa groaned seriously.
Her nimble fingers went from caressing Lexa’s boobs as she trailed down a wet line of kisses down her toned stomach muscles. She grabbed the girl by the waist, making their bodes flush against one another as her hand purposefully slid down between her legs, feeling the brunette tight dripping wetness.
“All this because of me , huh,” Clarke teased to the flustered Lexa
Clarke’s thumb was pressed firmly against Lexa’s clitoris causing her to moan out her name and the tantalizing circles that she was drawing on her back made Lexa insane. Lexa ran her hands down Clarke’s torso as they kissed making the blonde pant in her mouth. Lexa took a hold of her fine ass and pressed her toned right thigh between Clarke’s legs giving her the friction that even Clarke didn’t realize she needed until then.
“Jesus, Lexa ,” screamed Clarke as she rolled her hips grinding on Lexa’s thigh.
'Cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings.
And you clutched my brain and eased my ailing.
Lexa hooked one finger on Clarke’s underwear, dragging them down and she could reach and massage Clarke’s vulnerable swollen area. She gasped as she inserted a finger into Lexa , shortly followed by a second one and began pumping into her.
Each thrust Clarke did fell in co-ordination with the rhythm of grating on Lexa’s hands. Lexa felt her hand being grinded upon as her fingers were now being sensually lathered in Clarke’s juices which made her stomach tie up in knots, a fire igniting in the realms of herself that ached her to break through.
“I’m near , so near “ Clarke Lexa panted out
“I know, I’m too…” came a soft out of breathe response
Lexa moved her hand and without so much a warning she entered Clarke with a force of three fingers making the blonde beauty crumble beneath her as waves of aching pleasure and pain swept her bay, Lexa matched Clarke’s thrust into hers as she brought her into the cusp with her.
“Clarke…”
“Lexa…”
You're writing lines about me; romantic poetry.
Your girl's got red in her cheeks, 'cause we're something she can't see.
And I try to refrain but you're stuck in my brain.
And all I do is cry and complain because second's not the same.
Their respective screams reverberated through the apartment as the river broke through issuing out in all directions. Clarke cried out, arching backward to accept her, feeling their bodies fuse together in that instant like molten lead. They were one.
Clarke, blinked, her eyelids heavy.
Lexa pulled away, muttering a “I’m too heavy, Prisa” but Clarke reached out to her to keep her where she was. But still she slipped. Clarke would gladly bear her weight but had Lexa moved to make her feel comfortable but Clarke felt empty.
Clarke’s eyelids fluttered. Sleep overtook her far too quickly before she could hear a soft, “I love you” that was left hanging in the darkness of the bedroom. Lexa took one last look at Clarke, the small calmed rise and fall off her chest and placing her face onto her chest she welcomed sleep with open arms.
I'm sorry but I fell in love tonight.
I didn't mean to fall in love tonight.
You're looking like you fell in love tonight.
Could we pretend that we're in love?
Whether it was the mild shivers that slowly ran her spine or the emptiness on the other side of her bed that woke her up, Clarke couldn’t remember, but when she saw that she was alone in her hotel room, it felt a punch in her gut. She rolled out of bed and glanced at the clock on the night stand. 11. 45 Am. Really? They did return late, ok that was an understatement, they had returned very late the previous night around 3 am, so it was ok to be up this late.
Clarke while rolling up her jeans and a pulling on a tank top , she looked around for Lexa. She wasn’t indeed there. Picking up her phone, she dialed Lexa but only a minute later she noticed Lexa’s phone ringing underneath the covers of the bed sheets. If her phone was here then Lexa had to come back, so Clarke went for the bathroom. Brushing her teeth and trying her utmost to tame her unruly hair was a fight that Clarke definitely wouldn’t win today.
When the sound of the shutting of a door caught Clarke’s attention , she poked her head out of the bathroom. Lexa stood, her backside towards Clarke’s in her yesterday’s khaki pants and a totally crunched shirt, setting down a coffee on the table. Clarke finally heaved out an a breathe of relief and she almost ran to Lexa and hugged her from her behind. For a moment she could feel Lexa going stiff, then she relaxed. It wasn’t until she had turned her face towards Clarke that she noticed Lexa’s stoic expressionless face.
With eyes wet with unshed tears, Lexa turned to look at Clarke. She circled her thumbs on her soft skin, gaping at her, trying to memorize her face.
“Your coffee’s getting cold, Clarke”
Lexa moved only a few steps away from her but to Clarke it felt miles.
“Where’s yours?”, Clarke took her beverage in her hand and asked Lexa.
Lexa gave a nonchalant shrug.
“I was thinking about showering and I have heard morning sex is the shower is exhilarating. So wanna join?” Clarke put the cup down as she started stripping herself down in her bathrobe.
Lexa stood her ground, passive. She just stared out at the streets, didn’t even move to acknowledge her sentence nor the way Clarke was eyeing her.
“ I have called the reception to book me a ride back to my apartment.”
Lexa stated her statement too much as a matter of fact-ly almost making Clarke’s head spin at her.
“Oh? You have work? I don’t mind, we could always ---- “
“No.” Just one word. A No. And it made Clarke stop all her activities. She knew something was wrong the minute Lexa had rejected almost downright her shower opinion but that no was too harsh to ignore. Panicked wormed inside Clarke. She almost ran towards Lexa, holding her by her arms.
“Then what? What’s wrong?”
Clarke’s angry demeanor collapsed under Lexa’s glassy stare.
Lexa took her time as she looked at Clarke. Was she deliberately being this obtuse? How could she not know? How did she forget to tell me or was it a payback, a sick joke to her all this while?
“How could you forget to tell me?”, displeasure and resentment was lashed in Lexa’s tone.
“Tell you what?,” Clarke couldn’t pinpoint to exactly what Lexa was pointing at.
Lexa pushed Clarke’s back towards into the cupboard, pulled up Clarke’s left hand and grabbed her as firm as she could as she circled out the region where her ring should have been, “This. You forgot to tell me you were already someone else’s.”
Despite the pain, the guilt shot up Clarke’s body faster than a bullet, her blue eyes watered in an instant. She knew what she had done. But she didn’t know how Lexa knew? It didn’t matter anyways, she knew now. Clarke had thought so many times that this time maybe she would tell Lexa but that time, that right moment never came and somehow in the warmth of Lexa, she forgot all about Bellamy. She felt like a hypocrite, a back-stabber.
Lexa immediately let go off Clarke when she saw her falling from the sky. She hated Clarke at that moment but she also knew Clarke. She knew her well enough to know that maybe this was how things were supposed to turn out. Clarke should have told her, she should have told her a million times but would it have changed anything for Lexa? No. She would still crave for her, like she was that northern star in Lexa’s sky that was within her reach yet out of it. Even if Clarke couldn’t be hers, Lexa had one solace this was hers for a night. Lexa sat back on the bed, her mien screamed defeat.
“I couldn’t find my phone and I thought that it might be in your hand bag and as I was going through it, you know what I found? I mean you can probably guess it by now, a princess cut diamond ring.”
The way, Lexa spit the word “princess” made Clarke nauseous.
“I have no excuses but I did try, Lexa, I did try to tell you but somewhere along the lines lost it.”
Clarke slumped on her bed beside Lexa, holding her tightly by the waist and placed her head on her shoulders. Inaudible tears raced down their cheeks and a silent prayer that Clarke chanted, “I’m sorry”
It was the ringing of Lexa’s phone that alerted her that she had to go. She slowly pulled herself out of Clarke’s grip but she held her close.
“Why aren’t you angry with me?”
Lexa didn’t push her away but she didn’t even look up at her, it was too hard. Instead she cradled closer to her bode, as if seeking shelter from the raging storm.
“I’m angry with you”
“Why don’t you hate me?”
Clarke’s voice was so small. She was sniffing her nose, trying to halt her dam when it rains, it pours.
“Oh, I’m trying not to, because”
Lexa didn’t know how else to answer. It had so many reasons to hate her, to demean her but what can you do when despite how grave the mistake was, Clarke was sorry. She was truly sorry. And Lexa couldn’t hate Clarke even if she tried, you can’t hate the person, you love so much but no, she wouldn’t tell her that. Things were already a mess; she couldn’t just make it messier.
“Because? Because what Lexa, look at me? Look at me please.”
Clarke pushed Lexa, holding up her up her chin but Lexa didn’t look at her. Because? Because wasn’t a good enough reason.
“I can’t. I can’t look you in your eyes and not hate you.”
We knew where we were headed right from the start, but it doesn’t hurt any less and now there’s winter in my heart.
The velvety touch of Clarke’s lips ignited a desire in Lexa’s body as she kissed her on Lexa’s closed eyelids. Clarke’s lips moved onto in light symphony upon hers, tentative, patient and almost as if searching for reassurance but Lexa pushed her away.
“We didn’t promise each other anything, so you don’t owe me an explanation, neither do I seek one, but at least have that minimum decency to not toy with me anymore. I’m only human, Clarke.”
It had just been 52 hours and 23 minutes since she had last seen or spoken to her. And it was killing her. Lexa didn’t know such pain existed, to bleed so profusely yet to one’s superficial view you were perfectly alright.
Lexa never liked to talk about her parents. At 2, she lost them but what most people didn’t know or what she didn’t bother telling them was that maybe she was that unholy reason. The car or what Indra had told her, had been pretty much t-boned by some drunk driver and it had been almost a miracle that she had survived. Yes, but at what cost? At the death of your parents. But she had told Clarke about them, during their summertime in California.
I’m unlucky, Clarke.
Clarke hugged her from behind, But I’m lucky to have you.
Huh. Irony,
It was all too good to be true anyway.
Her chief editor has unofficially congratulated her for being only one of the handful few who would be travelling with an illustrious TV show, circumnavigating the eastern world, portraying from their culture to their best touring places, everything in a nut-shell would be held up to the viewers via the small screen and Lexa would be their new travelling and hosting mate.
Word was that she might even be missing New Year’s in New York, something about which didn’t quite settle nicely with Lexa but this would sky-rocket her career and no way in hell was she letting it go. Not that, there was anything else holding back in NY, anyway.
Lexa didn’t know what had gotten into her, but she dialed Costia who was just as shocked to hear from Lexa, just as Lexa was shocked to have been actually calling her. In hopes to mend some broken bridges, that was all Lexa said through her phone and Costia agreed wordlessly.
“Our usual place?”
“Monarch’s Court at 7? I’ll make the reservations.”
“It’s a date, Cos.”
That was another thing they both had missed, their harmless flirting. That was one of the many things, they had missed, the first being each other’s friends, but maybe this was a start and for once things looked promising.
“It’s a date, Lexa.”
It had just been 52 hours and 35 mins since she last heard from her. It had been only 21 unanswered calls, 12 voicemails and about 28 unvoiced messages since Lexa had talked to her and Clarke hadn’t felt this hollowness in herself. It was almost as if someone has punctured a hole in her and to add salt to it, Bellamy had decided to apparently surprise her with his visit, only 15 hours ago and she could hear the going-away bells ringing in her head .
She couldn’t get over the sorrow look on Bellamy’s face when she declined almost all offers of him to go out with him. She almost flinched when he had come over to touch her and the shock that waved over his features wasn’t too hard to over-look. Lexa’s touch was scarred all over her and for some reason letting another touch you, someone not her felt fake.
She could feel Bellamy pulling away from her, she ended up suggesting going out for dinner and knowing this was her last day in New York, she thought might as well go all out.
Monarch’s Court, that had been the suggestion of Anya. Which was Lexa’s go-to place as well. Plaining up the front of her black cocktail dress she drummed her fingers on the wooden plank of the bar, waiting for Bellamy who had been gone now of 25 mins.
With the much-awaited knock on her shoulder she didn’t get much look on the other person, words on her tongue which she immediately held back on seeing Costia?
“Hello, Clarke. Waiting for a table?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you should definitely join us then. Lexa is sort of a kicked puppy/sullen koala mood and you…”
“I don’t think….”
“Hey, babe, the line’s like epic and ….”
“Hello?”
Costia politely intruded but nonetheless questioned the other man’s sudden appearance to the blonde’s side and the questionable endearment. Her eyes shoot up to Clarke, almost in accusation.
Clarke felt a lump in her throat but she overcame it, “This is Bellamy Blake, my fiancé.”
The jovial Blake flanked out his hand, a smile already playing out on its own but Costia took a long, lasting look at Clarke before giving out a small smile, “Costia Frost, Clarke’s friend, if I may say so. We should head to the table.”
Clarke had immediately fallen short, nodding her head in a big no but Bellamy almost took her within his wings, “The more the merrier.” But it was in total contrast to the grave look that Costia directed to her before leading the way.
Lexa sat in her long summer dress awaiting for Costia and their food. She had finally spoken and listened to her about well, sort of everything just not about Clarke and her engagement to another. Her mind was dwindling on whether or not she should tell her. But Cos was her best friend and in a friendship there was no space nor a need to hide. So she was going to tell her.
Lexa got up from her seat to greet Costia but she was cut short of by a hush “We have company.” She turned around to the intruders and there was Clarke Griffin in flesh and skin, accompanying a fair skinned boy with her.
Clarke looked up to Lexa who looked sinfully ravishing in her dress, hiding her long legs underneath the clothing. She could feel green eyes burning her skull in a death glare but she tried her best not to look in her eyes because she knew one she looked there would be no turning back. She felt warm eyes encircle her waist and a flush of skin on her right side. Bellamy, naively, unaware of the heated stares held out his hand in recognition, “ Bellamy Blake, I’m …
“Clarke’s fiancé.”
The two words made two pairs of eyes look up to Lexa, one almost demanding an explanation for not mentioning this chunk of a detail , a harsh whisper, “You knew?” and the other pair in clothed hurt and guilt, “I’m so very sorry.”
“Lexa Woods, Clarke’s interviewer and friend, if I may say so.”
Lexa didn’t bother shaking the hand as she kept hers folded on her lap, her appetite gone and now all she wanted was to be left alone. For a brief moment, Clarke and Lexa wondered what would happen if Bellamy put the 2 and 2 together, that this Lexa was that Lexa, the 3 years ago and both waited for the other shoe to drop but nothing happened.
If Lexa had been in an unbiased situation, but she was not, she would have said that Bellamy Blake was polar opposite of Clarke, from likes to dislikes, from lifestyles to even their view of life but yes, he appeared to be a good for nothing man, with a dry sense of jokes which she was sure he had mugged up from the net, a boring next door boy persona with that obnoxious boyish charm and that vile need to be in the center stage. For a moment, Lexa even questioned herself that maybe if it was because if these “boys” that she preferred women.
But it didn’t escape her sight as how Clarke appeared in a light mood around him, the easy smiles that came to her with those stupid jokes and the way Bellamy cared for her. It shone in his eyes. That warmth, that happiness, that love. Lexa had travelled far and wide, she had seen enough people to know that look. Yes, Bellamy Blake is in love with Clarke.
Lexa had to turn away from him so that she couldn’t see it. It hurt. And it didn’t help when he had brushed off any of their offer of paying from the dinner. Nor when he roughed up some passerby for not watching his step as he had toppled over to Lexa’s left leg. It didn’t help, because he was a good man and he loved Clarke. And she would be happy with him.
Lexa stood watching her own reflection on the mirror, in the restaurant’s bathroom. The way she gripped the edge of the white tiled basin, it was a miracle that her fingers hadn’t yet stopped its circulation. She looked back up into the mirror and for such weird reason, she felt as if it was mocking her.
Are you where you always dreamt to be? Yes.
But are you where you always wanted to be? Yes. She stammered in her own thoughts. No.
A selfish person, is what you are. A chaser of dreams running after them so far that you have lost your way back home. So far, you have run that you have left behind those people who wanted you, you ran with vengeance with an urge to prove yourself to the world, that you had turned cold, your empty promises they ring in your ears. You fought so hard for your life that you have survived and almost never lived, not fully. Not when you were absent emotionally. A cripple not only physically but also interiorly. Lexa didn’t know what came over her, but with full vigor she punched the glass in front of her.
The force with which she had hit it, hit her back maybe in thrice the strength as she felt not only the glass crack and even felt the bones in her fingers crack. She had succumbed to more pain but just a few misplaced bones did make her curse a few times, even though she tried her best not to.
The pain had maybe numbed her senses so much that she almost didn’t feel long slender fingers touch her now swollen hand. Lexa flinched automatically on the contact and any remark or comment that was on the tip of her tongue vaporized as she caught the teary and almost begging eyes of Clarke Griffin.
“Ouch.”
“Sorry. I don’t think it’s broken but you should have it checked just to be on the safe side.”
Clarke waited of the girl to say something but she didn’t. She stood, facing the washroom mirror nudging about the thin layer of the cloth that had been wrapped around her wound.
“Lexa, I… I don’t know what to say.”
“How very eloquent of you.” Lexa snarled out. But her voice became timid, as if tired. “He seems good.”
“Yes, he is.”
Upon hearing Clarke’s reply, Lexa looked up to see Clarke’s reflection in the mirror and even there she could see that still stint of joy, care and love? for “Bellamy”. That night when Lexa had confessed her love for, she felt a bit hurt when she had seen that Clarke hadn’t heard it but now she almost thanked that she didn’t hear it. She would have appeared such a fool in front of Clarke. A fool for wishing for her lost love. A love she could let go off.
“You care for him.” Clarke perked at Lexa’s blunt statement. “He’s good for you, Clarke. He’s what you need, who you should be with.”
“Lexa, what are you… “ Lexa wasn’t even going to let Clarke explain, what was there to explain anyway? She left, Clarke found someone else, it’s not like she told her to wait. Let go. Let go.
“He’s everything I’m not or I’ll be. He’ll keep you happy.”
Clarke wasn’t even getting to voice her thoughts. It was more like Lexa was doing a monologue, repeating lines like she had already prepared them, and the more Clarke tried to stop her, the more she was shunned out.
“I called a cab to pick me up. I’m leaving for Melbourne for an assignment soon enough Clarke, so it doesn’t matter.”
Yes, in other small words, Lexa was running. It was always easier to her, to run than face her problems. So she decided to hide her fear in the false shroud of her dreams.
“How doesn’t it matter? It matters to me, why doesn’t it matter to you?”
“I can’t stay.”
Lexa couldn’t stay. She just couldn’t stay and watch her go away. She knew that her words were enraging her companion but she was simply stated the truth, the ugly truth that she wont be here to watch her happy ending.
“So after all we have been through , you won’t stay?”
“Are you asking me to?”
“I can’t make you do something you don’t want to. I can’t fight alone for us , Lexa. Do you even care?”
“I do care, I do care for you so much but you care about him as well” , Lexa insisted again.
The phone rang again. Her cab was waiting. She had to go.
“What are you… Are you even listening to me or are you just taking in voice and running them out through another? I need more than words Lexa, tell me to break it off with him and I will. I would do it because I would choose you over him., because I care for you.”
Yes, she would. Yes, being with Bellamy was safer, he was his safe world but how could one simply disregard other’s feelings. It wouldn’t be fair to neither Bellamy nor Clarke but Clarke needed a reason to fight, she wanted that reason with her when she fought and not thousand miles away.
“I can’t and you shouldn’t”, Lexa stated simply. Head over heart. She knew that she had to lose Clarke anyway and her dreams were still there with her. Her only solace.
“ I don’t understand you. Do you regret that last night didn’t happen? Because I’m someone else’s is that it? That’s why you feel so disgusted?”
Clarke paced around the room and finally pulled Lexa by the collar. She was getting tired, of fighting for everything, for every single thing to work.
“I don’t regret last night. I could never. But we deserve a proper goodbye and it couldn’t get any better than last night.”
There was that pause again, that weird awkwardness in the air, that unbearable tension.
Clarke looked up to the broken mirror, blinking her eyes to hold back the salt tears, “So that’s it then. I’m … we are leaving for California tomorrow. I guess you won’t be coming to… one last time?”
Lexa steps trembled as Clarke spoke out, but it was only she much she could take.
She put a chaste kiss on her cheek and then picking her stuff she was out of the door. And perhaps, out of Clarke’s life too.