The Douche and the Douche-ier
Rain fell to the earth in heavy droplets, cascading across greenery and dousing the forest. Lightning illuminated the trees as thundered rolled on above the canopy. Creatures scurried about, trying to find shelter from the storm.
“This is bullshit,” Karkat muttered, drawing his knees closer to his chest as he continued to glare out from under his tree. “Of course it just had to storm today of all days. Fuck.”
“No need to be so grumpy, Kitkat,” Dave cooed, enjoying the way that Karkat’s face scrunched up at the sound of his voice. “Rain makes life, yo, and that shit is tight. The almighty epic in the sky blessed our union by giving us the gift o’ life.”
“Why did I leave home without something metal?” Karkat asked no one in particular. “I could have climbed the tree and ended my misery in one quick burst.”
“Suicide is never the way out.” Dave smirked. “Though taking Thor’s Hammer to the face does seems like a pretty sweet way to go.”
“And here I thought that there was no one that I would want to have a conversation with less than with Kankri,” Karkat scoffed, glancing away from the other as he flipped the hood of his cloak up. “Way to prove me wrong in all the worst ways, fucktard.” Not waiting for the other boy to say another word, Karkat held his basket tightly to his body, trying to block it from the rain as best as he could, and stepped out into the rain. He ignored the sensation of the rain pelting his hood as he forced his legs to continue moving from Dave.
It took him only a few seconds to realize that Dave was trailing just behind him, riding his shadow and keeping up easily with his longer legs.
“Why are you still following me!?”
“Is it making you upset?”
“Yes.”
Dave smirked. “Then that is why.”
Karkat glanced over his shoulder and opened his mouth to retort to the other, but was cut off as his body collided with another, sending the both of them tumbling to the ground as Dave just stood by and watched. The Little Red growled as Dave’s low chuckle reached his ears, glaring at him first before moving his dark eyes to the figure on the ground with him.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Karkat scowled deeper. “First I have to deal with this douche and now I have to deal with the ‘Prince’ of douches? Fuck you, God.”
Dave hummed behind him. “Yep. I am starting to see why he hasn’t granted you any miracles lately.”
“Shut it!” Karkat hissed. “And watch where you are going, fucktard. I wasn’t trying to avoid the rain just to end up taking a fucking mud bath.”
Eridan clicked his tongue. “I could say the same for you. Didn’t seem like you were paying much attention to where you were going either, Kar.”
“Don’t even go there, doucheking.” Karkat rose, trying in vain to brush the mud and water from his cloak and pants, cursing under his breath at the state of his basket. “Great. Just…. Great.” Karkat moved off to the side of the path once more, the other two following him to hind under the canopy of a nearby tree.
Eridan squeaked as Karkat shook his head, spraying them with water. The ex-seadweller moved his umbrella in front of him, blocking himself from the droplets. “Kar!” he whined. “Wwsatch wwhat you are doin’!”
Karkat rolled his eyes. “What does it matter? You are just going to get wet once you try to get home through this storm again.”
“Doesn’t mean you should ruin my hair.” Eridan smoothed back his dark locks. “Besides, I actually havve nice things like umbrellas, so I don’t havve to look like some sort of drowwned rat.”
The Little Red swiped the umbrella from the boy, throwing it to the side before Eridan could even comprehend what was going on. The ex-seadweller stared in shock as the object bounced on the ground three times before rolling with the wind into a deep puddle just a small distance down the path.
“And you call me a douche,” Eridan stated with a pout.
Karkat bared his teeth. “Bite me.”
“Yep,” Dave muttered, drawing their attention back onto him. “I am going to like it here.”
“Wwho the fuck is this?” Eridan asked, pointing a manicured finger into the taller boy’s face.
“Dude,” Dave gently pushed the hand away, “didn’t your mother ever teach you that its rude to point?”
“Like you care about being rude.” Karkat flinched as the thunder rolled above them. “Damnit! Why do I have to be trapped here in the middle of a forest, in the middle of a storm, with you two idiotic fucktards? Did I kill an entire orphanage of children in my past life? Burn down every church I could find? What did I do to deserve this?”
“Wway to be melodramatic, Kar. It’s just rain.”
“What,” Karkat hissed, turning to glare at him, “are you even doing here? Your place is on the other side of the village.”
Eridan glanced away. “I just decided to go on a wwalk and vvisit Gam.”
The Little Red narrowed his eyes at the other. “Don’t hit on my boyfriend.”
Dave stiffened. “Boyfriend?”
Eridan scoffed. “You knoww, I can talk to someone wwithout hitting on them.”
“No,” Karkat stated, crossing his arms over his chest, his basket held in the nook of his elbow, “you really can’t.”
“Wwhatevver, Kar.”
“You know what…” Karkat took a step back and gestured to the two other boys. “Dick, meet other dick. I am going to leave now, - do not follow me -, so why don’t you do what dicks do best and fight over which one of you is a bigger fucking dick, as if that makes your life any fucking better. Good-bye and fuck you.” He gave them both the bird before dashing down the path, not caring if his basket or form was getting pelting with the heavy rain as he went.
Dave and Eridan stared at his retreating back until he was long out of sight. They stood there in silence, listening to the symphony of the storm.
Eridan turned his gaze to Dave, letting his bright eyes roam his form as a smile grew upon his face. “So…”
Dave held up his hand. “Nope,” he said, turning on his heel and strolling down the path in the opposite direction.