Maybe

**Lexas POV**

They walked back to her room in silence. She couldn’t find the strength to speak, she was emotionally done, wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone. She could feel Ravens gaze on her most of the time but she ignored it.

She opened the door to her room letting Raven in, she couldn’t look around without something that made her think of Clarke. She couldn’t handle that right now.

“I’m going to shower.”

She didn’t wait for a response, just walking back out of the room and into the bathroom, she closed the door behind her and turned the shower on, stripping every piece of clothing off.

Lexa felt numb, she stood there just outside the shower, willing herself to go in. Such a simple task of walking a couple of feet forward seemed impossible.

After a couple of minutes she stepped forward entering the shower. The moment the water hit her body, every emotion slammed into her at once. Anger, betrayal, confusion, but most of all pain.

She couldn’t do this, she pressed her body against the shower wall to hold herself up. Her mind couldn’t block out anything that had just happened, she replayed it over and over again. She saw Clarkes face as the truth was revealed, how could she have kept that from her? How could she smile and laugh with her, how could she claim to love her?

Lexa couldn’t comprehend how Clarke could think she loved her and have done this to her. Lexa knew what love was, love was what she had felt whenever she looked or touched Clarke, it was in her intense need to keep her safe. But now it was just tainted, it was dirty, she felt dirty.

What if Raven was right? What if Clarke had only wanted her because she saw her as a challenge because she had a girlfriend? Had she played right into her hands?

She shook her head she couldn’t believe that, Clarke had to have cared for her atleast a little right? She thought Clarkes love for her was the purest love she had ever seen or would ever feel. She constantly felt her gaze on her, she made her feel beautiful, she made her feel wanted, it couldn’t have all been fake? But where could she draw the line?

She knew she was crying, but the water going down her face helped her pretend that she wasn’t. Her mind was fucking with her and she couldn’t stop it even if she tried.

“I’ve never seen eyes like yours before.”

The first time Clarke made her heart skip a beat, it came out of nowhere and she hadn’t been expecting her to say anything like that.

“Stop staring Clarke.”

It wasn’t the first time she felt Clarkes eyes on her but it was the first time it had an effect on her.

“You can touch me Lexa.”

Clarke had meant it innocently back then, but it had embarrassed both of them. But what if it wasn’t as innocent as she had thought then?

Clarke picked up Lexas hand and was running her finger along Lexas palm lines, it gave Lexa goosebumps.

“I don’t know just keep talking until I fall asleep, your voice is soothing.”

“Stay safe in your room, I don’t want anything to happen to you…. I don’t know what I would do.”

“I have to go home Costia, she needs me.”

“Oh…. You met someone?”

The first time she ever felt jealousy for her.

Clarke bit her lip and winced again. Lexa ran her finger along the blonde’s jaw who closed her eyes when Lexas fingers came in contact with her skin.

The first time she ever wanted to kiss her.

Lexa snapped out of her memories at the sound of a knock on the door and the sound of it opening, she was gasping for air and hadn’t even noticed it.  She was sitting on the floor of the shower too with her arms wrapped around her legs.

“Lexa?” Raven must have heard her breathing because she pulled the curtain back turning the water off, she had a towel held out for her to step into. “Get up, come to your bed please.” Raven closed her eyes, and Lexa stood turning her back to the towel and Raven wrapped her in it before opening her eyes again.

Lexa walked into the room to find Lincoln sitting on her bed, she turned and glared at Raven who rolled her eyes.

“He’s your brother don’t act like you don’t want him here.” She couldn’t deny that seeing him calmed her, her breathing had already began sounding more normal.

“I need to get dressed.” Lincoln nodded standing up and walking out of the room followed by Raven. She took a deep breathe in going to her drawers. Her pajamas were mixed with items of hers and Clarkes, she felt a pang of pain in her heart with the sight.

She grabbed her clothes and slammed the drawer shut in frustration, she didn’t want to be weak. She got dressed and went to open the door, they were both just standing there watching her.

She walked over to bed and laid down in the middle. They followed her and laid down too. One on each side of her. They laid like that for a couple of minutes no one saying anything. Lexa glanced over and saw Raven was running her fingers along the wall.

“I’m sorry Raven.”

Raven looked at her with a frown, taking her hand that was on the wall and finding Lexas hand next to her, she squeezed it reassuringly.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Lex, you didn’t know…. Umm I’m sorry I slapped her by the way, well not really but I know you probably didn’t like it. It made me feel a lot better though.”

Lexas eyebrows furrowed, seeing Raven slap Clarke had taken her by surprise and she didn’t like that it happened but she couldn’t blame Raven for having that kind of reaction, and Clarke seemed fine after it. She shrugged her shoulders. “Just don’t do it again.”

She turned to Lincoln and watched as a tear slid down his face. “Lincoln?”

He sighed frustrated and rubbed the tear away. He turned and looked at her lifting her chin so he could look at the slight cut on her throat. “You could have been really hurt Lex.”

“I’m okay little brother.” He just shook his head and looked away from her.

“Octavia knew, I asked her when Raven called, she knew the whole time, ever since that first day the four of us went out.”

Lexa gasped, she felt like she had been hit again. Clarke knew, she knew for so fucking long and she kept it from her the whole damn time.  She felt the betrayal stronger now.

“I kicked her out of my place and came straight here. I don’t know what I’m going to do about her. She fucked up Lexa, I know that, my fucking sister got hurt because of that damn secret. But I love her. I’m so sorry, I’m weak.”

She watched him as the tears began to fall down his cheeks. She sat up and wiped them from his face pulling him into a sitting position before wrapping her arms around his neck in a hug.

“Don’t feel sorry for loving her, it wasn’t her secret to tell. Clarke…” She felt another wave of pain at saying her name. “Clarke probably told her not to say anything. Don’t blame her. You aren’t weak.”

Lincoln nodded as they hugged. Lexa pulled back and went back to laying down. She was tired.

“What is going to happen to you and Clarke?” Her eyes snapped open quickly she turned to look at Lincoln.

“I broke up with her, we are done, she hurt my best friend and me.”

Raven sat up quickly. “She fucked up Lex trust me I know, but don’t break up with her because of me. Seriously don’t use me as a factor.”

Lexa rolled her eyes before closing them. “I’m tired….. Can you guys stay?”

“We weren’t going anywhere.” Lexa nodded and rolled onto her side grabbing Lincolns arm and pressing her forehead to it. She felt Raven shift behind her and felt her press her head between her shoulder blades. She didn’t know what she would do without these two, they were always there when she needed them.

**Clarkes POV**

After Octavia got home she explained what happened they didn’t speak after, they just cleaned up the mess she had made and went to bed neither saying a word, both crying themselves to sleep.

Clarke woke to a knock on the door, her and Octavia looked at each other with hopeful eyes. Clarke jumped and pulled the door open only to find Lincoln stand there. She couldn’t help but let her face fall.

“Lexa?”

He just shook his head at her looking behind her to look at Octavia, “You both messed up bad really bad.” He looked back at her, “It is not my place to forgive you and I can’t even tell you that my sister ever will either.” Her eyes began to water again but she understood what he was saying.

“Octavia can we talk over lunch?”

Octavia jumped at the offer throwing on sweatpants and sneakers before walking to the door and pressing a kiss to Clarkes cheek.

Lincoln glanced back at her before walking away.

“Goodbye Clarke.”

She closed the door behind them, the tears falling down her face once again. She grabbed her phone and saw that there was no message. She needed to talk to Lexa to explain in person.

Clarke: Can we please talk?

She put her phone down and opened her computer turning netflix on, she clicked the show she knew Lexa loved more than anything and began watching it. Before she knew it she had finished the first season and had begun falling asleep.

She checked her phone one last time and saw that Lexa never texted her back.

Clarke: I love you and won’t give up on us.

**Monday Morning**

She got to class almost twenty minutes early, Lexa wouldn’t be able to avoid her here and she was going to take full advantage of that! She tried to make it look like she hadn’t spent her weekend in bed crying over her, but who was she kidding, she totally had.

Once professor Kane walked in and the class began filling she began to worry, Lexa wouldn’t skip class. She prided herself on her attendance, she was dying from a cold last week and still sat there sniffling the whole damn time.

When professor Kane began his lecture he glanced over to her and the empty seat next to her. She wanted to walk out right then and there. But she needed these notes and maybe she could use them as an excuse to get Lexa to see or talk to her. School was her first priority, she wouldn’t let what was going on between them ruin that.

Before leaving class she took out her phone to text her.

Clarke: I have the notes, I can give them to you if you want.

She sighed putting her phone away before heading out, putting her head phones in for her walk back to her room pressing play.

No oxygen, could barely breathe

My darkest sin, you've raised release

And it's all because of you, all because of you

I don't know what it is, but you've pulled me in

No one compares, could ever begin

To love me like you do

Hmm I wouldn't want them to

She was so into the song that she jumped when she felt someone grab her arm, she jumped again when she realized who it was. She took her headphones out.

“Raven?”

“I have been calling you since you left the damn classroom!”

“Sorry, umm was listening to music.”

 She just nodded and glared at her. Clarke just stood there waiting for her to say something, to hit her again, maybe yell a bit, she would take whatever it was.

“You look like shit Griffin.” That kind of took her by surprise, she couldn’t help the eye roll.

“Thanks Raven.” Raven just shrugged.

“I’m starving lets go talk over breakfast.” Clarke was speechless, she didn’t know what the hell was happening, last time she saw Raven was horrible. She didn’t move forward.

“Are you coming or not?”

“Why?”

“You are obviously doing horrible over this break up, and Lexa is too. So you are going to explain your side of things to me, and maybe I can help you win Lexa back.”

Clarkes eyes widened, Raven was willing to help her. She wouldn’t give this opportunity up. She began following her towards the cafeteria.

When they got there Raven went straight for the food, Clarke was too nervous to eat, she probably had this one shot to prove to Raven that she would do anything to get Lexa back, she filled her plate anyway and followed Raven to a table.

“Okay, I’m listening, start from the beginning where and when did you met Finn and then go on until today.”

Clarke took a deep breathe in trying to gather her thoughts before speaking.

“Okay there was a party Octavia dragged me to about five months ago, I was drunk and a guy Finn came up to me started flirting saying all of the right things, he was cute and seemed really nice. We had sex in the bathroom at the party. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, I didn’t really think he was going to call me but he did.”

She paused and watched Raven for any reaction but she was just watching her and eating her oatmeal. She nodded for her to continue so she did.

“At the beginning it was really fun and great he was the kind of guy any girl would have wanted, but the longer we were together the less I felt, I knew I should feel more for him but I just didn’t. I just didn’t want to be alone. I found out about you at the party I met Lexa at. I was dancing and Finn went to get a drink he was gone awhile and I couldn’t find him. I looked all around, I went to check the hallways when I heard you guys fighting and got the jist of what was going on, he cheated on you with me, and then on both of us for the first two months we were together he was still with you. I needed a moment so I went to the bedrooms I was leaning on the door trying to figure out what to do when Lexa opened the door and I fell.”

She thought about what she had said and burst out laughing, she laughed so hard tears began rolling down her face, but then the laughing stopped and the tears kept coming. She coved her face with her hands trying to stop the tears.

“Clarke?”

“Our first real interaction was me falling for her Raven, how fucked was I from the beginning?”

She removed her hands to see Raven just observing her break down. She sighed and readied herself to talk again.

“I saw you when you came back in the apartment. I didn’t know what to do. I decided to stay with him, I don’t know why I just didn’t want to be alone. Then I saw Lexa inn class, he used to pick me up from it all the time, he recognized her but wouldn’t give anything away. I wanted so bad for him to slip up, but he never did. I started falling in love with Lexa from the beginning though she was amazing. I used to complain about her to him and then flip out when he agreed with me. But the day I met youand we had breakfast I knew I was done with him, I was able to recognize that my feelings for her were way stronger than what I had ever felt for him.”

She paused and drank a cup of water, before continuing. “I really liked you too and thought he was seriously stupid for letting you go. I brought you up to see if he would admit anything, he didn’t. I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I broke up with him then, it was the first time he ever put his hands on me.”

She looked down and noticed she was shaking her leg, she put her hand on her leg to stop herself giving a small smile because she wished Lexa was there to yell at her. “I was scared to tell Lexa, even from the beginning, I told Octavia not to say anything to her or Lincoln while I figured out what to do about him. When Lexa found out he hurt me, she took care of me, you too. When you told me about your story with him I froze, I was terrified of losing Lexa and I didn’t want you to hate me too so I said nothing. That was a huge mistake I see that now and I’m sorry Raven.”

Raven nodded at her and took her hand in hers and squeezed her reassuringly before quickly letting go. “Go on.” Clarke nodded.

“I knew Lexa had Costia, and I would never have tried to do anything with her while they were together. I did my best to control myself but Raven I wanted her so bad, everyone could see through me. I knew she wasn’t really the kind of person who acted so touchy with their friends but she let me and it was amazing. I would take whatever she would give me. Then the she went to see Costia and Finn showed up again…He accused me of leaving him for her and I said he was right. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Obviously, your psycho ex is flipping out and you basically put an X on her back Clarke!”

“I know that now but I didn’t then. That was the last time I saw him before Friday, he had even stopped messaging I thought he was done with me. Then Lexa and Costia broke up, and it was my chance to be with her so I took it, I will never regret that. I love her Raven, I think she is the love of my life, I just need to prove that to her.”

Raven sat back and watched her for a while. Her nerves were driving her crazy.

“I believe you. I think you are an idiot for keeping it from us but I believe you. But Clarke this isn’t just about you keeping secrets anymore. Do you know about Lexas dad?”

She nodded her head and remembered Lexa saying that she was just like him after beating Finn up.

“With Finn she lost it Clarke, she zoned out, she has never done that before, never reached that level of angry. She thinks if I didn’t stop her she would have killed him. I think she’s wrong but she won’t listen to me. Her protectiveness of me and you pushed her there. She isn’t just upset with you she is questioning who she is now, and I can’t stand to see that. That’s why I came to you. I think you can help her.”

“I will do anything for her Raven, but how? She won’t answer any of my messages.”

“I’m thinking we ambush her. What do you say? Want to go to Lexas room Clarke? I told her I’d be right back, she is expecting me any minute now.”