Maybe

Lexa ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind herself. She felt herself collapse onto her knees as she let out everything that had been in her stomach. She just kept hearing Clarkes moans over and over again in head. Why did this hurt? She heard voices on the other side of the door once she had nothing left to give.

“Go away Clarke, you have done enough.”

“What?! No! I didn’t do anything. What is wrong with her, did she drink too much?”

“Lexa hasn’t thrown up from drinking since we were sixteen. Just go back to Niylah Clarke.

“No Raven stop it.”

Lexa couldn’t breathe, she was trying but she couldn’t. She was hyperventilating. She was having a panic attack. She felt like she was going to pass out if she didn’t get some air soon. Her body was shaking uncontrollably.  She moved closer to the door unlocking it. It opened automatically almost slamming into her on the floor, she looked up to see Ravens face of shock.

“Shit!” She turned to Clarke, “Go get Lincoln!”

Raven stepped into the bathroom closing the door behind her before Clarke would have a chance to get in. She sat behind Lexa and wrapped her arms around her from behind. “Listen to me Lexa, breathe, you have to breathe.”

The door opened and Lexa looked up to see Lincolns worried face, before he slammed the door closed behind himself and locked it.

He sat in front of Lexa grabbing her hands. “Look at me, focus on my face we are going to count okay?”

Lexa nodded and felt Ravens head nod on her back.

“Count in your head until you can out loud.” Lexa nodded again still trying to pull in air.

“1……2……..3………4” Lexa closed her eyes listening to the sounds of Raven and Lincolns voices combined. Her body began to stop shaking, she was able to relax into Ravens hold, and able to grip Lincolns fingers.

She opened her eyes and began to count along with them. “72……73…..74……75.” She took in a deep breath of air. “I think I’m okay.” Raven released her hold on Lexas waist but didn’t move away from her completely.

Lincoln studied her face before pulling her in by the shoulder to hug her as hard as he could. “What the hell Lex, you haven’t had a panic attack since the beginning of high school?” She just shrugged.

“I think the alcohol got to me.” Lincoln just pulled away and looked at her, she knew he could tell she was lying.

“You only get them when you freak out, when something hurts you too much Lex. You began getting them after your mom, don’t lie to me. You only get them when you are overwhelmed to the point of you not being able to handle it. Don’t lie to me, I’m your brother.”

Lexa just shrugged and looked way.

“It was Clarke.” Lexa pulled away from Raven and glared at her for opening her damn mouth.

Lexa turned to see Lincoln glaring at her. “Clarke? Lexa you told me she was just a friend. You have Costia, you’re not like this I don’t understand.”

“Shut it Lincoln, her and Costia broke up, and no not because of Clarke, let Lexa feel what the fuck she feels and stop judging her for it.”

Lincolns eyes widened, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lexa just began getting up, she ignored both of them while she brushed her teeth and washed her face. She turned to see them both watching her, “ I want to go to bed now.”

They nodded their heads and followed her to her room, where they found a passed out Clarke on her bed. Lexa felt the ache in her chest return.

“I will grab Octavia and we will get her out of here.”Lexa shook her head and made her way towards the bed.

“She can stay ,just tell Octavia she is here.” Lexa undid her shoes as Lincoln nodded and walked out.

“Lexa…..” She shook her head at Raven.

“I’m okay I promise. I will text you tomorrow okay?” Raven nodded and went to press a kiss onto Lexas forehead before making her way out and closing the door behind her.

Lexa sighed and looked at Clarke. She cared for her, more than a friend a lot more than a friend. Lexa realized just how fast she had gotten sober after her throwing up and panic attack. She had a panic attack because she saw Clarke with Niylah. She shook her head at herself, how could she let herself fall for this girl?

Lexa got up and put pajamas on, stopping to take Clarkes shoes off before she got into the bed herself.

Clarkes POV

Her eyes shot open when she heard running. She recognized Lexa. She pushed Niylah off of her taking the girl by surprise. Lexa?

She saw Raven trying to go after Lexa but her leg slowed her down. “Lexa!”

Clarke called out trying to get Lexas attention.

“Lexa!”

She caught up to Raven fast even though she was barely able to walk herself. “Where is she going?”

 Raven just turned and glared at her as they made their way into the apartment catching Clarke by surprise.

They heard the bathroom door slam shut and made their way over to it. They could hear Lexa throwing up, Clarke tried to open the door but it was locked.

“Go away Clarke, you have done enough.”

What the hell was that supposed to mean?

“What?! No! I didn’t do anything. What is wrong with her, did she drink too much?”

“Lexa hasn’t thrown up from drinking since we were sixteen. Just go back to Niylah Clarke.

“No Raven stop it.”

What the fuck did Niylah have to do with anything? Clarke was trying to keep calm.

Suddenly they heard the door unlock, and raven stepped forward pushing it open, Clarkes eyes widened at what she saw. Lexa was on the floor shaking, she obviously couldn’t breathe, she went to take a step forward but Raven stopped her.

“Shit!” She turned to her “Go get Lincoln!”

Raven walked into the bathroom and closed the door in her face.

Clarke ran to the living room and grabbed Lincolns arm pulling him up, “Lexas in the bathroom, I don’t think she can breathe.”

He ran before she could say anything else. She ran after her him but stopped when the door slammed closed and locked once again. What the fuck!?

She leaned her head against the door. They were counting. She couldn’t do anything so she decided to wait for Lexa in her room. Clarke laid down and began to count where she had heard them last up to.

“42…….43……44.”

Next thing she knew she felt her shoes being taken off, she opened her eyes to see Lexa crawling up the bed.

“Lexa?”

Lexa froze for a second before she laid down facing away from her.

“Go back to sleep Clarke.”

Clarke felt anger shoot through her but she tried to calm down, she reached her arm out and wrapped it around Lexas stomach but Lexa just took her arm and moved it away from her. Clarke felt her stomach drop at that.

“What happened to Niylah?”

Clarkes eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and then recognition, shit she just ran away from the girl without any explanation.

“I left her when I saw you.”

“Why?”

She thought about it a second. When she saw Lexa she felt worried but she also felt guilty. Why is it being with someone makes her feel guilty even though they aren’t together.

“I rather be with you.”

Lexa turned around to look at her. Clarke tried to touch her again but Lexa scooted herself back. “Why did you go back to Niylah tonight?” Clarke shrugged.

“I knew she wouldn’t deny me.”

Lexa just watched her. “No one would deny you Clarke, why her? Why another girl?”

Clarke was confused and though she didn’t feel as drunk as before the alcohol wasn’t helping because it sure sounded like Lexa was asking her why she chose Niylah instead of her.

“I think I like girls.” What she meant to say was, I think I like you but she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

Lexa just nodded and turned away from her again. Clarkes heart hurt, did she somehow hurt her?

She moved closer to Lexa and tried to run her hand up and down Lexas arm but she felt her stiffen, and move away. Clarke felt herself pout at Lexas rejection. Lexa turned her head to look at her and must have seen the hurt. “Please Lexa.” She just nodded and moved so she was slightly closer to Clarke.

Clarke took that as okay and wrapped her arm around Lexas waist and put her face between Lexas shoulder blades. “I’m sorry.” She didn’t really know what she was apologizing for but she felt like she should.

Lexas POV

She felt the sun on her face, she tried to pull the cover over her head but it wouldn’t budge. She opened her eyes to see Clarke grinning at her. Memories from the night before came rushing back to her. Sh groaned and rolled away from the other girl.

“Pretty sure we both missed our classes.” Lexa sat up quickly looking for her phone to see the time. It was fucking eleven thirty. She had indeed missed both of her classes. She turned and glared at Clarke.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Clarke shrugged and sat up.

“Seemed like you could use the sleep after last night.”

Lexa closed her eyes remembering her panic attack. She opened them to see Clarke watching her.

“Why?” She knew Clarke was asking what caused it but she couldn’t answer that question right now. Instead she zeroed in on the new hickey Clarke was sporting.

Clarke must have noticed where she was looking because she got up and went to the mirror on Lexas desk and touched it. Lexa could see her frown at it through the mirror. “Just when the other one was starting to fade huh? Maybe she just likes to mark you so people will know you’re taken.” Lexa could hear her own bitterness in her voice.

Clarke turned around and made her way back to bed sitting in front of Lexa. “I’m not her….. Are you jealous Lexa?”

Lexa kept her face impassive, “You’re not mine to be jealous over.”

Clarke just nodded and made her way to sit next to her. But she must have changed her mind at the last minute making Lexa raise her eyebrow in question. Clarke climbed behind her putting one leg on either side of her and wrapping her arms around Lexas waist pulling her in closer.

Lexa relaxed automatically, she tried to keep calm as she felt Clarkes warm breath on her neck. “What do you want to do today?” She felt Clarke shrug and she began absentmindedly running her hands up and down the blondes legs. Lexa isn’t sure how long they sat there like that but she groaned when a phone began to ring. She crawled forward a bit making Clarke let go so she could grab Clarkes phone.

When she made her way back Clarke pulled her back into the position they had just been in. “Just read me what it says and who it is from.” Lexa bit her lip to not let out a noise from what Clarke talking into her neck was doing to her. She nodded and slid her finger along the screen opening the text message.

She began reading the message out loud, “Why didn’t you go to class. Where are you? You’re with her aren’t you?” She didn’t think it was possible but Clarke pulled her in closer. But the text reminded that Clarke was messing around with Niylah. She pulled away and turned to face Clarke putting her legs over the other girls.

“How does he know about you and Niylah? Did he see you guys together Friday night?”

Clarke just looked confused. “Why would he know about Niylah?”

Lexa waved Clarkes phone around, “He thinks you’re with her.”

Clarkes eyes widened and she shook her head. “He isn’t talking about her, he’s talking about you Lex.”

Lexas eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Why would he be asking if they were together? “Why would he be talking about me? I never met or spoke with him.”

Clarke blushed, “I used to talk about you before we broke up, and he saw you a couple of times when he picked me up from class.”

“That still doesn’t explain why he would be mad about you being with me. It makes more sense if it’s about Niylah, she’s the one you’re messing around with. Wait maybe he thinks you being into girls and me being a lesbian is connected. Does he know I’m gay?”

Clarke nodded, “Maybe he thinks we are more than friends?”

Lexa nodded but she was too focused on Clarkes eyes. “Why did you choose Niylah to try and figure things out with? Was she you first kiss with a girl?”

Clarke nodded again, “She was yeah, I never thought much about girls that way until recently.” Lexa felt the jealousy rise at knowing Niylah had the privilege of being Clarkes first kiss with a woman. She wishes it had been her.

“Why Niylah?”

Clarke shrugged, “I knew she wouldn’t say no.”

Lexa kept her eye contact with Clarke, “No one in their right mind would say no to you.” She saw Clarke blush and look away. She knew they had this conversation last night but she wanted to have it while they were both sober and see if anything changed.

“I didn’t want it to be with someone I actually cared for, what if I was wrong and I didn’t physically like girls like I thought I did? I can’t hurt someone I care about on purpose.”

Lexa nodded, she understood that even though she hated it, Clarke was looking at her again. Lexa tried to keep her eyes focused on the blue eyes, it took all of her self control not to glance down at her lips. Lexa took a big gulp. She saw Clarkes eyes look down at her lips and she licked them automatically.

“So you don’t actually want to be with Niylah?” Clarke shook her head no. Lexa felt herself relax some more. “Do you like girls?” Clarke shrugged.

“I’m physically attracted yes, but I only like one girl.” Lexa wondered and hoped that Clarke was talking about her, but she wouldn’t ask, she couldn’t. She nodded.

“I didn’t like seeing you with her.”

She turned away from Clarke before she could say anything and went back to her previous position, pulling Clarkes arms around her middle before Clarke could do it herself. “So he has been following you around?”

She felt Clarke shrug and shiver, “I guess so but I hate thinking about it, it’s creepy as hell.”

Lexa nodded keeping quiet. “Are you going to tell me what happened to you last night?”

Lexa closed her eyes and shook her head no. How was she supposed to explain to her that the combination of alcohol and seeing her with a girl like that had caused her to freak out and have a damn panic attack? That Lexa cared for her more than she should, that she hoped Clarke felt the same way. Clarke was trying to figure her damn sexuality out she wouldn’t add to that burden.

She tried to get up and go to the bathroom but Clarke wouldn’t release her hold. “ClarKe.”

She felt the blonde shake her head no. “I want to take a shower.” She felt the girls head shake no again. “Come with me then.”

 Clarkes head popped up so fast. “Shower with you?” Lexa laughed at the squeak in her voice. She laughed and pushed Clarke away.

“No you pervert, you can like sit on the toilet while I shower and talk to me. Unless you really want to” She got up and saw that Clarke had turned a bright crimson, she looked adorable, Lexa grabbed her clothes and bent down to press a kiss to Clarkes cheek and winked at her. Why not tease her a little with her new found interest in girls? “Give me two minutes before you come in.” Clarke just nodded in response.

Lexa walked to the bathroom quickly undressing and getting in before Clarke could come in. She stood under the water making it hotter and hotter until she felt it burning a little. She loved hot showers. She heard the door open and smiled to herself.

“Christ Lexa, how can you breathe with all the steam?”

“I don’t know it doesn’t bother me while I’m actually in the shower.”

“Well maybe I will actually have to join you.”

Lexas eyes widened she wouldn’t dare, would she?

“You wouldn’t dare Griffin.”

“Want to bet?” Lexa just shook her head in response.

“You don’t have the guts.”

 She began washing up when all of a sudden she heard the shower curtain being pulled open. She turned her head but before she could see anything Clarkes hands covered her eyes. “Stay facing that way Lex. Okay?”

Lexas heart was beating fast again. She was naked in the shower and considering Clarke had gotten in too she assumed the other girl was naked as well. She turned her head back towards the stream of water and Clarke removed her hand. Lexa still wasn’t moving though. She was clutching the soap at her side with all of her life.

“You were right it is easier to breathe in here.” Lexa couldn’t believe she said that because now she couldn’t breathe at all and the way Clarke spoke made her sound like she was panting. “Pass me your shampoo.”

Lexa listened and grabbed it holding it over her shoulder so she wouldn’t have to turn around and see the girl behind her.

She jumped when she felt Clarkes hands in her hair, and then the girls voice so very close to her ear. “I’m just going to wash your hair and get out okay?” Lexa nodded and closed her eyes.

Clarke began rubbing the shampoo into her scalp, but she kept a good distance so she wasn’t touching her anywhere else. Lexa blushed when she realized Clarkes view was of her ass. It took all her will not to lean back into the blonde, so she could feel what her body felt like.

She was also trying not to moan at how good it felt to feel Clarkes hands running through her hair. “Rinse.” Lexa nodded and stepped forward more into the water to get all of the suds out of her hair. She stepped back but felt Clarkes hand on her back to stop her from moving anymore. She froze but then she saw the shampoo in the corner of her eyes and put it back in its place, automatically grabbing the conditioner and passing it back.

She relaxed again when she felt Clarke working that into her hair now too. What did this mean, what was this to Clarke?

“Are we friends?”

“Yes. Step into the water.” Lexa listened and Clarke began to run her fingers through her hair untangling the knots while taking out the conditioner.

“I don’t shower with my friends Clarke.” Clarke finished what she was doing pulling Lexa back a step, out of the water. Handing Lexa the conditioner to put back.

“Neither do I Lexa.” Before she could say anything she felt Clarkes lips on her shoulder, then a sudden bite made her yelp. She felt Clarke grin and then a tongue soothed the bite mark. Lexa couldn’t help but moan out loud. She felt her entire body shiver from that one touch and knew that Clarke could probably tell.

“Claaarke.” She didn’t mean for the girls name to come out sounding like a moan but it did and she bit her lip to stop. She felt Clarke lightly kiss her shoulder, and heard the curtain opening again.

“Meet you in the room Lex.”

Lexa let out a breath when she heard the bathroom door close, she leaned her head on the shower wall. She needed to shower again, not all of what was running down her thighs was water anymore.