Finlandia
Therese stayed with Carol for three weeks. After so many separations even the suitcase life they shared on the road seemed more wholesome than the few stolen days they every once and a while got to spend at home. Anxious about yet another parting they had clung to one another more forcefully than ever before. Being apart and doing without felt like losing a limb, a vital part of one's body necessary to maintain life in the first place. Carol had seemed more pensive than usual during their last days on the road together. She had something on her mind.
On their second to last day together Carol got a letter from Rindy informing of his father's upcoming nuptials. Mr Hargess Foster Aird was to be married with Ms Evelyn Keith on June 21st. The formal invitations were to be sent soon, Rindy told, and both Carol and Therese were on the guest list. "Well, I'll be damned," Carol exclaimed, "if someone had said a year ago, we'd be getting an invitation to Harge's wedding I'd have laughed myself silly out of sheer disbelief." Therese chuckled. "It does sound unbelievable. Maybe this Evelyn is just the kind of woman he needs? At least Rindy seems pleased with her."
Therese felt as if she were skating on thin ice every time Harge's fiancée became a topic of conversation since Carol rarely had anything nice to say about the matter. Not that she disliked Evelyn Keith or didn't wish her ex-husband happiness, something just seemed off every time she expressed her opinion on the matter. Yet it never truly seemed to focus on it exactly, it had always more to do with some issue surrounding it. Like marriage in general. Maybe it had something to do with Rindy, she contemplated. Was she perhaps jealous of another woman's potential influence on her daughter? It wouldn't be such a farfetched idea, Therese thought.
"Do you want to go?" Carol asked. "A high society event at the Plaza, no doubt." Therese was kind of intrigued about it but her calendar wouldn't budge as far as June was concerned. She would be in Helsinki at the time taking part in the competition. When she mentioned it to Carol, she grew silent all of a sudden. "Oh yes, of course, I should've remembered... How long was it again?" Therese sighed. "About two weeks if I make it to the final round. Considerably less if I don't." She dreaded the idea of being cooped up alone and under tremendous pressure in a strange country.
She wasn't particularly worried about her performance. She had had plenty of practice and she'd been quite consistent about it. It had been easy to spend several hours practicing each day since she had nothing better to do while Carol was at the studio or at the arena. "I have no intention of going without you so I will graciously decline," she decided a little too hastily. "Rindy'll be so disappointed," Therese objected. "She would want you to be there..." Carol was adamant. "Rindy is a big girl who knows her Mommy and Daddy can't be in the same room for any prolonged periods of time." There was nothing more Therese could say about it.
The first signs of summer were in the air when Therese returned to New York. Her heart was heavy and she knew she'd have to do something about it. She had a dream of what her life with Carol would be like - what it should be like - but she'd been far too afraid to express it to her in detail. Why am I so frightened? she asked herself not knowing how to answer. She confided to Gen once they got together.
"Oh honey, it's a marvelous idea, I think," she told Therese. "You shouldn't torture yourself with possible negative outcome though I understand it can be intimidating," Gen mused. "Although I can't, for the life of me, understand why it would yield anything but a positive reaction." She squeezed her shoulder in encouragement. "Grab life by the ovaries, Therese, and show your commitment to her. I'm sure she'll appreciate it."
Her own latest concerts had been quite successful and she was rapidly gaining name as a more than just a promising talent she'd been lauded as. The performance halls and auditoriums sold out fast, Abby had told her. All she had to do was show up and work her magic.
"I've just transferred the fee from your last concert to your account. As you can see, it's quite a respectable amount of money. Do you know what to do about it, how to invest it?" Abby was quick to offer her expertise any way she could. "Not really but I can't be bothered about it just now, not before Helsinki anyway." Therese did have an idea of how to spend some of it but she wasn't going to tell Abby about it, not yet.
"Hello darling!" The voice on the phone was light and happy. "Carol! Where are you calling from? Denver?" Therese wished she could see her face. "Actually no," Carol started, "I'm at LAX and on my way home..." Therese was blown over. "Has something happened? Are you alright?" she asked worried. "Oh no," Carol laughed, "Nothing's the matter. I just need to talk to you and tell you something that can't be told over the phone... I'll see you tonight, dearest!"
Therese felt uneasy. What could be so important it couldn't wait till the end of her tour? She would find out soon enough, she consoled herself. Still she was anxious about it.
"Therese, there's something I want to say to you," Carol started when they were sitting at the dinner table the same night. "What is it?" Therese inquired very nervous all of a sudden. "This thing we have going on... It's not working for me anymore, I'm sure you've noticed", Carol continued. What the fuck? Therese couldn't believe what she was hearing. Not working anymore? Weren't they blissfully happy every single time they're paths crossed? Was she breaking up with her? "I've already talked to Abby about this and she agreed with me." Abby agreed? What the hell? "I want you to know this is my decision and nothing you say can affect it. I've made up my mind." Carol looked very serious. Therese however was rattled beyond belief. I have no say in this?
"I've decided to quit touring altogether. I can't stand being apart from you, not sharing every day of my life with you. Abby's cancelled the rest of my tour." Carol smiled shyly. "I may do an occasional concert if I feel like it, make a record every once in a while but I want to do it here or wherever you are - if it's okay with you?" she continued. The news took a long time to sink in. Therese stared at her her pulse still uneven. "And I want to go to Helsinki with you - if you'll have me?" Carol looked at her a bit nervously. "You're not saying a word and, to tell you the truth, it's driving me rather crazy..." Therese woke up from her trance. "If I'll have you..? Is that what you're asking me?" she blurted out. "I want nothing more!" She was elated, simply euphoric hearing Carol's decision. She was home and she wanted to stay - stay with her! "But do you really want to give it all up - for me?" she asked cautiously.
"I want this for us, darling. And I want it for Rindy as well. She shouldn't have to grow up without her mother. And it's not like I need the money or the accolades..." Carol came to her. "If I were to keep this up, I might end up losing you or at least we'd grow distant. I've seen it happen to so many couples I couldn't stand it happening to us." Therese cupped her chin and looked straight into her eyes. "You’re never going to lose me… and you can't possibly believe how happy you've just made me. But I don't want you to give up your career and regret it later..." Carol's smile warmed her heart. "Darling, don't you understand? I want to give it up. I want to focus on us, on our life together. I won't take you for granted, not now, not ever."
Therese remembered what Gen had said about keeping the relationship alive and she made a silent promise to herself to forever put her commitment to Carol before everything. In the big picture nothing else really mattered. She could be the world-renowned pianist but what use would it be to her if she didn't have Carol by her side? She embraced her, kissed her, overcome by the revelation of how things were to be from now on. "Me neither, babe. You took the words right out of my mouth." Beaming, she looked at Carol. "We're going to Helsinki, goddammit! We're going there together!"
The morning of their departure was a hectic one. Carol had the hardest time deciding what to pack for their trip since it was unclear how long they'd be there in the first place. Therese had a last minute errand to run, something she'd been fretting over for past couple of days and right now it seemed so much more important than anything to do with the competition.
"Do you think it's going to be cold over there?" Carol asked rummaging her drawers. "It's summer there as well so I guess it can't be bad," Therese answered. "But I did pack a few warm sweaters nevertheless." One could never be too sure about the weather in Finland.
Abby and Gen saw them to the airport. "If you'll make it to the finals, we'll join you for the last week of the competition," Abby said. "I think we could use a little getaway ourselves..." she quipped glancing at Gen who helped Therese to pick up the carry-on luggage. "Well, I better do good then," Therese grinned, "wouldn't want to spoil your holiday."
The flight from JFK to Helsinki took approximately eight hours but it was the time difference that screwed them over. Therese was glad Abby had thought about it and booked their trip accordingly. They would have several days to adjust to Helsinki being seven hours ahead of their normal daily rhythm.
Approaching the foreign territory they could see a lot of uninhabited land covered with thick patches of forests and thousands of lakes here and there. Neither of them had ever been to Finland before and all of it seemed like an exciting adventure waiting to happen. It was quite late when the plane touched down but what they discovered left them positively flabbergasted. It was the middle of the night but the sun was shining nevertheless, greeting them from the clear blue sky.
"The land of the midnight sun," Therese said holding Carol's hand as they took their luggage out of the terminal. They weren't tired although they hoped they were. It would be a long night for them and an even longer day tomorrow if they couldn't sleep a wink when they were supposed to. "I'm sure I can think of something for us to do to help us catch some shut-eye..." Carol winked at her pressing her hand on Therese's thigh once they'd gotten inside a taxi.
"Should we be doing this here... in public, I mean..?" Therese smiled pointing at Carol's hand moving on her thigh. "Oh, I hear Helsinki is quite enlightened, and they've had the gay marriage here before us... very queer friendly, according to Abby." Carol grinned. "But I guess it would be appropriate to wait till we get to our hotel."
Hotel Kämp, the most luxurious one in Helsinki, was situated right at the center of downtown. It was a charming place with a certain continental appeal. It looked old and prestigious from the outside, elegant and comfy from the inside. "We really ought to sleep, you know..." Therese said pulling the curtains over the windows in their suite. The light was wreaking havoc on her perception of day and night. "How do people sleep here – with all this light..." she wondered. "With shades on, I suppose," Carol said patting the right side of the bed. "Come here, baby, stop fussing, will you." Therese undressed and slipped between the covers. "Don't mind if I do," she purred mischievously.
The next couple of days were simply wonderful. Helsinki, the Daughter of the Baltic, bathed in exuberant sunlight and brightened their spirits. After a long dark winter the city seemed eager to make up for lost time, to flaunt the magnificent omnipresent light. A love affair of summer’s full bloom and the maddening insistence of sun lent Helsinki a flirty charm.
What a quaint, little town it was after all – so tiny and unassuming after the hustle and bustle of Manhattan. Though they enjoyed their bite of the Big Apple above all else, they found Helsinki appealing in its quiet languidness. Carol was eager to see the sights, to appreciate the many faces of the city – the Russian and Swedish influences mingling with the distinct Finnish ones – and to sample the tastes of the local restaurants. "Quite a few Michelin ones in here," she informed Therese, "but it's no wonder Nordic cuisine being one of the most exciting concepts at the moment."
The competition was to begin in three days. Therese was offered the opportunity to polish her repertoire in one of the study rooms of the Sibelius Academy, the best university level education for classical music in Finland. It was also the breeding ground of several world famous conductors the country had produced over the past few decades. She felt right at home there surrounded by friendly, helpful people as excited about the competition as she was.
The night before the preliminary round commenced they went for cocktails in a local speakeasy one of the arrangers had told Therese about. It lived up to its character for it was not an easy place to find. What was inside, however, took Therese's breath away – a relatively small, lantern lit place with bookcases lining the walls and plush armchairs everywhere. "This is just the kind of a place I always thought I would like to run if I were a bar owner," she realized. Carol agreed. "Lovely, indeed, but let's see if the drinks live up to the surroundings."
Therese went to the bar curious to see a local professional in action. "Hey, what can I get you?" said the woman behind the counter. She had a certain boyish look accentuated with round, somewhat brainy spectacles. Her smile was easy, accommodating. Therese wasn't one to have a particularly good gaydar but this time she didn't even need one. With some people it's just so obvious.
"Hello," she said smiling winningly, "at least a dry martini with an olive and... well, why don't you suggest something? I used to mix cocktails in New York and I'd like to see what you can come up with." It was a direct challenge. "Well, let me think", the woman said looking pensive, "you look like a sidecar kinda gal, am I right?" Therese nodded in approval. "I sure am! What made you think of it?" The shorthaired brunette with touches of grey on her temples grinned back. "It's just that my sidecars are quite famous over here. In fact they ought to be world famous." Where have I heard that before? Therese was sold, a dry martini and a sidecar it was.
"So how are you liking your drinks, ladies?" the bartender asked stopping by their table a bit later. "They're simply marvelous, thank you so much!" Carol congratulated her. "So glad to hear you like ‘em," she replied leaving them in peace. You could always count on Finns not wasting their time on small talk.
When they were ready to leave, Therese went by the bar to thank her one more time. "You weren't boasting for nothing, I must say, and I'm a hard customer to please when it comes to cocktails." The woman smiled shyly and nodded her thanks. "Hey, if you'd like, I could show you two some good time here in Helsinki, I'm off duty in half an hour..." Therese wasn't the only one with a well-calibrated gaydar.
"No, I don't think so", she declined grinning knowingly. "Well, can't blame a girl for trying..." the woman quipped the corners of her eyes wrinkling of suppressed laughter. "Your friend by the way, she looks an awful lot like that Australian actress whose name I can't for the life of me remember right now..." Therese nodded amusedly. "Oh yeah, we get that a lot, but in the States people tend to think it's the other way around – you know, they say the actress – can't recall her name either! – that she resembles Carol, I mean Carolyn Ross, the singer. Ever heard of her? She's big over there." The woman shook her head apologetically. "Can't say I have, sorry."
Therese passed the first round with flying colors with Bach, Schubert and two etudes, one from Chopin, the other from Rachmaninoff and a toccata by Debussy. As her freely chosen modern piece she went with Philip Glass – a very fine choice, Carol congratulated her later.
The second round lasting only two days with 14 participants left was considerably harder. Therese had decided to opt for an improvisation lasting no more than ten minutes the theme of which she was given just twenty minutes before performance. It was a risky choice but her gamble paid off well, she thought afterwards. The second part called for a Sibelius program no less than five minutes and the third one a program of her own choice. Her pick was Stravinsky – "That's bold!" Gen had enthused hearing it over the phone.
Waiting for the results, she was a nervous wreck making Carol crazy with her constant pacing around. "Cut that out, will you? You did good no matter what the outcome is," she said. Therese hated waiting but when the phone call finally did come through she was scared to pick it up. "Go on, go on!" Carol encouraged shoving the cell in her hand. "YES!" she exclaimed a minute later – she was one of the top six.
The finals started two days later. Abby and Gen arrived at Helsinki the day after they'd received the happy news from Carol. The three of them kept tight company the remaining spare moments – Therese was way to wired to be around at this point. "Dearest, you do remember to eat, don't you?" Carol worried watching Therese go through fingerings constantly in her mind. "Yeah, yeah..." she replied not really hearing a word. She was reaching her flow now and Carol knew better than to try and break her concentration. "I'll be off then, darling, call me if you need anything, okay?" Therese kissed her absentmindedly and retreated to her musings. Shaking her head, Carol closed the door.
"She's going to faint on stage out of sheer exhaustion if this continues..." she confided to Abby and Gen. "Nah, she'll be fine. She's in the zone now... Therese is a zen master in the process of finding her inner peace. Be the piano, be the keys..." Gen visualized her point with some seriously weird Karate Kid moves. Carol shot a worrying glance at Abby who let out a sad little sigh.
The next day all three of them were sitting on the third row of the Helsinki Music Centre. The competition was open to the public, and the place seemed to be filling up. Carol hadn't really seen Therese all day yesterday, just felt her body close to hers at night when she had finally made it back to their room.
Carol had wrapped her arms around her to calm her down, to help her catch sleep but Therese had wanted to make love instead. Without a word spoken they had moved against each other slowly, languidly, savoring each touch, each sensation the quiet hours had for them to offer. When Carol looked at her young lover, she saw her green eyes search hers as if they were looking straight into her soul. Therese was calmer now, almost serene, and when she smiled at Carol the darkened room seemed to open up to heavens above. A secret not yet quite uncovered bore wondrous fruit between their blissful bodies.
Therese was to open the final round. It wasn't the spot she would've picked for herself, but it didn't really matter anymore. She couldn't have been more prepared. Her first piece was Shostakovich's Piano Quintet in G Minor, Op. 57. A gorgeous chamber work lasting half an hour gave her an invaluable chance to showcase her profound understanding of its curious nature and gradual sublimation of forms over everything else. Therese loved its kinship to Bach's musical architecture and harmonic soundscapes. Playing with a string quartet – two violins, viola and cello – she let the hypnotic music seep through every pore of her performance.
The second round was to follow two days later and this time she was happy to be in the first group. The mere idea of having to wait yet another 24 hours for her turn would have been torture. She didn't lose her peace of mind, though, not for a second but the others could tell she wasn't quite present when they were having dinner in a small bistro adjacent to their hotel.
"You okay, darling?" Carol asked cupping her hand with her palm. "I'm excellent", Therese said smiling drowsily at her. She hadn't touched her wine at all nor had she been particularly hungry. "Could we go back to our room now? I'm really sleepy..." Abby promised to take care of the check so they could leave right away.
Therese took Carol's hand as they walked through the lobby. People going by, speaking that curious language she knew absolutely nothing about, seemed like actors in some strange dream unfolding in front of her, leaving her a confused bystander instead of an active participant. She fell asleep effortlessly her naked body pressed against Carol and in her slumber she could smell the sweet fragrance of her nearness enveloping her, cradling her deeper into sleep.
The second day of the finals put her in front of a symphony orchestra. Therese had made yet another brave choice: she was eager to coax Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 out of her instrument and out of her system, and she truly set out to do so. The pompous, spine tingling opening showed what a star Therese really was, Carol thought in awe of her. And she wasn't the only one, it seemed like the entire auditorium was waiting with abated breath what Therese would come up with next.
What a tumultuous piece of music it was, maybe the most romantic piano concerto ever written, to be swept away by, to be possessed by... the passion, the mad precision, the fierce poeticism, the fanatic nature of its magnificence. And she was up to it, she was in full force – there was nothing dull or conventional about her interpretation, far from it, she was in flames, aching to arc again and again towards the dizzying heights the famous gay composer had reached in his unrelenting masterpiece. Her fingers hit the keys in frenzy only occasionally succumbing to lighter, more unassuming shades.
It was an intense half an hour in her life, one to remember, to relive and, undoubtedly after this performance, to revisit from time to time. The excitement in the Music Centre was so palpable, so unguarded it couldn't go unnoticed by anyone. Therese felt drained, she had given her all and she was happy it was finally over. The results would come day after tomorrow but right now she didn't care about it at all. Her mind had already wandered elsewhere – to the blonde beauty who was smiling at her from the third row.
"That was friggin' awesome, girl!" Gen interjected coming to see her afterwards. "For once I have to agree with her choice of words... it was truly breathtaking," Abby chimed in. She looked a bit shaken. Could it be that I had managed to get to her? Therese mused high spiritedly. "Darling, you were magnificent!" Carol grabbed her by the waist and planted a passionate kiss on her lips. "And it was sooo hot to see you really giving it your everything." It wasn't customary for Carol to speak her mind so openly in front of other people and it made Abby and Gen chuckle uncontrollably. Therese tightened her grip of their embrace. "Oh yeah? Should we do something about it – right now?" She was rapidly regaining her joie de vivre. "Cut it out, will ya? We're going out to celebrate!" Abby interrupted. "Where was that cocktail joint again..?"
The visit to the speakeasy was well worth the next morning's slight headache since it brought about an interesting opportunity to experience "the quintessential Finnish summer night". Those were the very words the charming and extremely generous bartender had used before offering her summer cabin for them. She herself had no use for it at the moment so they were more than welcome to see how the Finns actually spend their warmest season.
The cabin by the lake wasn't at all what they had expected. "Oh my fucking god, it's gorgeous out here..." gasped Gen when they got out of the taxi at the end of a narrow dirt road. They stood staring at the most amazing, fairytale view of a calm lake with a pair of swans gliding silently on its mirror-like surface. Therese took Carol's hand as if to ascertain what she saw was actually real and not just a dream shared together. The silence of the place was uncanny, hauntingly unreal and it lent the surroundings a quality of beauty unparalleled by anything she had experienced before.
Their new friend had seen to everything making sure there were food, drinks and a well-heated sauna available for them the entire night they were to spend there. She had also left behind some instructions regarding the proper sauna etiquette.
The Finns always go to sauna. Every single week all year around and in summertime often daily. It is customary for everyone to go together, preferably without a bathing suit. Finns never wear them, not even among strangers. Do remember that sauna has nothing to do with eroticism, it is a place for relaxation and quiet contemplation. Enjoy!
"So we're supposed to go together then.. " Gen started cautiously, "...naked?" She took turns looking at everyone. No one said a word. "It's just that you guys have a bit of an upper hand in this..." she continued addressing both Abby and Carol. "IN WHAT?" Abby asked impatiently. "Well, you've seen each other naked and you've seen me and Carol's seen Therese... it leaves us two somewhat inexperienced so to speak." Now I have heard it all, Therese thought a smile creeping on her face. "I mean it's okay with me, if you guys are up to it..." Gen volunteered. "I BET YOU ARE", Abby snapped back shooting an inquisitive glace at Carol. "Never gonna happen," Carol quipped dryly. Thank god... They took turns.
Wearing her robe, Carol was sitting at the far end of the long pier facing the lake. Having just finished with sauna and swimming, she looked ravishing, almost reborn. She didn't have any makeup on and Therese thought she'd never looked lovelier. This is as good time as any, Therese thought. Actually, there couldn't be a better moment than this. She took a deep breath and decided to take the step she had dreaded for so long.
"Carol..." she started suddenly overcome by her touching beauty, the impeccable features of her lovely face, the wet blonde curls peeking out of the towel turban. Her eyes crinkled of happiness seeing Therese approach her slowly. "Carol, my love..." she started only to interrupt the flow of words once more. "Yes, darling?" she asked quietly. "Carol, my heart is so full. I look at everything we have and it's almost too much. More than I ever imagined I could have. I look at all this here, the nature, the wonder of it, the light, the way the sun never dips below the horizon but raises itself up again as if we're witnessing a perpetual sunrise..."
Therese dropped on one knee. "Carol, I look at our life as the perpetual sunrise it is, a miracle out of this universe, flung out off space for us to cherish – I want it and I need it for the rest of my life and I want the whole world to know it too... Carol, my love, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Would you be mine?" Therese opened a small velvet box and let the night light play on the cuts of the exquisite vintage diamond ring. Fearing the outcome of her gesture, she had hard time breathing. Carol looked at Therese the unforgettable gray eyes gleaming spectacularly, lit with tremendous love and hope and happiness. "Yes, yes I would. Oh yes, yes, thousand times yes!"
--
A loud knock on the door startled Abby and Gen. "Cut the hanky panky and drag your sorry asses over here!" Carol yelled, "We're engaged to be married!" Therese popped the champagne and pressed her smiling lips on Carol's happy mouth.
And yes, she did win the damn competition.