Sway

Ashlyn thought she would go stir crazy with every roster that was released without her name on it. As each camp rolled around, she was left at home while Ali packed up her things and headed out — first to Carson, then to the Algarve, then to Colorado and San Diego to play in a series against China.

“You’re still recovering. Give it time,” Ali said, pecking her lips.

“My knee is perfectly fine now,” Ashlyn replied petulantly.

I wonder what would’ve happened if I refused surgery and played in the Champions League instead, Ashlyn wrote that winter. She really had taken up journaling, a pastime that mostly chronicled her recovery and PT thus far and her annoyance at not being a part of the National Team. Her fear then was that she would never be called back in. One surgery — harmless, merely a precaution — and she would be sidelined from the National Team for the rest of her career. Jamie had told her to write down the bad stuff because it would be freeing, like letting go. He told her to write down the good stuff so that, when things got hard, she could look back at those times and smile and remember. At the moment, there were more bad entries than good and looking back was like peering into a storm cloud.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough to be with Ali, she wrote. She scratched it out.

That’s not true. I feel like I will always be there on the sidelines, watching Ali do great things. I love her, and I love supporting her, but I would like to be known as something other than ‘Ali Krieger’s Girlfriend’, if I ever even become a name on the National Team. I hate the feeling that I’m holding her back — that I’m taking something away from her each time she makes a roster and I don’t. I don’t want her to feel bad for me or think that she has to comfort me all the time. I don’t want her to worry about how disappointed I am in myself.

I think I’m more worried about how I feel affecting her than it affects me.

It was something she talked over with her therapist as well, as she had been going in for sessions about once a month. They certainly did help her understand things a little better and she felt herself improving or, at least, she was able to cope better with her highs and lows.

“You can’t be worried that you’re not good enough for Ali,” her therapist said from his seat, his eyes slightly hidden behind the glare that flashed across his glasses. “She is an independent person, just like you, who makes the decision every day to be with you. That is her decision to make. Now, you have the right and ability to terminate the relationship if you are unhappy, but it is not your decision to make if you think she is or will be unhappy.”

“Well…I guess,” Ashlyn assented. She was sitting in an armchair opposite him — something she hadn’t expected when she’d first come into his office. She’d imagined that weird lounge and staring up at the blank ceiling. Sitting in the chair was more comforting to her. It felt more normal. “So, you’re saying not to think about it?”

“Trying not to think about it will only make you worry more, Ashlyn,” he corrected. “You should examine how you feel. A better understanding of yourself will help with the depression and anxiety.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn said. She bit at the inside of her cheek at the mention of both ‘depression’ and ‘anxiety’. They were diagnoses that she was still getting used to. It was one thing to think that she was sad often, and that was it. It was another thing to know that there was something in her that caused that. It was another thing entirely to accept that having depression was entirely fine and that she could move on and live a perfectly average life with it.

“Tell me about your last visit home,” her therapist prompted after a moment of reflection. “You said Ali and your mother were getting along alright.”

Ashlyn grinned a little at the memories of their latest visit, distracted completely from her contemplation of the fact she had depression and mild anxiety. She opened up easily about how they’d arrived alright and Chris met them at the airport, how her parents were so happy to see both her and Ali and how they really welcomed her into the family well.

When the session was over, her therapist shook her hand and told her that this would not be a clear, straight path to a finish line of always being happy. “There will be bumps,” he said and then, chuckling a little at his own bad joke, “maybe for you, waves would be more appropriate. You just have to keep your head up and continue doing whatever it is that is helping. You’re improving so much.”

“I’m glad to see you back in camp, Ashlyn,” Cap said as the team gathered in the Winnipeg hotel. They’d have a few days to train before the games against Canada — always an interesting opponent.

“Me too,” Ashlyn replied with a little laugh. “I almost thought I was actually done for a bit, there.”

“Things are changing again,” Cap noted. Ashlyn saw as her eyes focused behind her. Cap nodded her head in that direction. “Anyway, I think a certain someone is also very happy to have you back in camp.”

Ashlyn didn’t have time to turn around before she felt a familiar weight crash into her from behind, familiar arms wrapping around her waist. Laughing, she reached her arm up to wrap around Ali’s shoulders. Ali stood on her toes to press a kiss to Ashlyn’s lips.

“Damn right,” she agreed. “Plane rides are better with you,” Ali said cutely. “Hey, you wanna meet A-Rod’s new little man?”

There were a couple “soccer moms” on the team. Cap, of course, had Rylie and Reese, who were always a real treat to have in camp with everyone else. But A-Rod had also had a baby and made her way back into camp with the cutie in her arms as well. Ashlyn hadn’t gotten a chance to meet little Ryan Shilling because she hadn’t been in camp, but Ali had and was excited to show him off to her.

Ashlyn nearly squealed upon seeing him and his cute little head of blonde hair. He was dressed in a shirt with a soccer ball on the front and was stuffing his fingers in his mouth while A-Rod bounced him up and down.

“He looks like a little monkey,” Ashlyn cooed, brushing a finger along his cheek. The kid certainly had some ears on him, but they only added to his adorableness. “Hey, little man.”

The three of them laughed together as A-Rod recounted some funny Ryan stories with them, mostly involving the fact that he was teething, until Ali asked to hold him and the baby was passed along. Ali balanced Ryan on her hip, leaning back a little to watch him as his wide eyes darted from person to person, landing back on his momma.

“Aw, he’s such a momma’s boy,” Ali laughed as Ryan reached out a hand to A-Rod again. The other was still stuffed in his mouth. Ali used her free hand to pull the fingers out and tickle his neck a little to stop his lip from quivering. He finally smiled at her, patting the collar of her shirt with his slobbery paw.

Ashlyn grew quiet as she watched them interact, finding herself completely drawn-in by the sight of Ali with a baby in her arms. She gulped and wiped her slightly sweaty hands on her pants. Ali was a natural, knowing exactly what to do to keep little Ryan happy as she continued to talk to A-Rod.

"You okay, Ash?” Ali asked. Ashlyn jolted from her daydreaming to see Ali looking at her with mild concern. A-Rod’s eyes looked knowing, which only served to make her nervous.

“I’m fine,” Ashlyn replied.

“You want to hold him?” Ashlyn nodded enthusiastically. Looking back at Ryan, Ali said to him, “You’re gonna meet another aunty. I know, there’s so many, but I promise that Aunty Ash is a lot of fun.”

The corners of Ashlyn’s lips lifted at Ali words and her heart thudded as Ali moved closer to pass Ryan between the two of them, keeping her hands on his back and bottom to keep him steady until Ashlyn had him safely in her arms. The action was so domestic and, in a way, intimate that Ashlyn could barely handle it.

Ryan looked at her a bit like she had two heads but Ashlyn quickly fixed everything by puffing out her cheeks at him and making funny noises. By the time Cheney swooped by to pick up her favorite little boy, Ashlyn and Ryan had become good friends. Ashlyn passed him off with a smile but, as he was taken out of her arms, she felt weirdly empty. She held onto Ali instead.

“I saw that look, Ashlyn,” A-Rod muttered to her teasingly as she picked up her baby bags to follow Cheney. “You gonna tell her?” She winked at her as she left and Ashlyn was only thankful that Ali hadn’t seemed to have been paying attention.

She was distracted during that day’s training, not thinking about babies specifically, though that was a subject that crossed her mind in between drills, but about the future. The future with Ali. She wanted so much with her, and she’d never told her. They never really talked about the future in all its grand uncertainty.

After their games against Canada, Ali and Ashlyn returned to DC to get back to their season with the Spirit. They were doing a lot better this season with Mark Parsons and were looking to improve even more.

“What are you doing, Princess?” Ashlyn asked as she pressed a kiss to the top of Ali’s head. She was wearing her glasses, which she rarely did, and was sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee, her laptop, and a stack of papers. Ashlyn ran a hand along her shoulders as she headed only a few feet away to grab herself a cup of coffee as well.

“Bills,” Ali said, rolling her eyes. “And rent’s due, too so…”

“I always forget,” Ashlyn admitted.

“Why do you think I’m the one doing all this?” Ali replied, tongue between her teeth. “Oh, but you have to do laundry today,” Ali reminded her. “And if you could pick up some more milk and salad stuff I’d love you forever.” Ali batted her eyelashes at her, making Ashlyn laugh.

“I think I can do that,” she said, wrapping an arm around Ali. “Look at us,” she said, kissing her cheek, “so domestic.” She paused, feeling her body stiffen with her own choice of words. As she set her coffee cup down on the table, the clunk sounded too loud in her ears.

“You good?” Ali asked, rubbing Ashlyn’s arm.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn said, sitting down beside her. She took a breath. “Hey, Al, have you ever thought of the future?” she asked tentatively.

Ali looked at her curiously. “Yeah, of course,” she said.

“No, I mean like the future of…us? Like, us together?” The seconds that passed in between her question and Ali’s answer made her increasingly more anxious.

“Well, yeah,” Ali finally said. “I mean, I don’t want there to not be a future with us…Did that make sense?”

Ashlyn laughed with relief. “Yeah. At least, I hope you said what I think you said.”

“Why the sudden questions?” Ashlyn looked down into her lap a bit sheepishly, her hands clasped on her legs.

“Umm…Before you say anything, I’m not asking the question or anything.” Ali looked at her with a confused expression, obviously not following. “I was just thinking…I don’t know. This is probably stupid…”

Ali reached out to grip one of Ashlyn’s hands. “You know you can tell me anything, right? Even if it’s stupid — which it probably isn’t — I want to hear it. Definitely.” She gave Ashlyn an encouraging little smile.

“Well, I was wondering…If you really do picture a future with us, is marriage in the cards?” Ashlyn looked at Ali for a second, before plowing forward, her words coming a mile a minute. “I mean, I know how much you like weddings and you’ve always wanted to get married, but we’ve never talked about it and I thought that it was a little weird. But, of course, maybe you’ve…” Ashlyn sucked a breath in, having completely worn herself out. “Changed your mind,” she finished, quieter.

Across from her, Ali withdrew her hand. “Ashlyn…” she started. Ashlyn’s jaw grew slack with surprise at her tone. She wondered if she was about to get her heart broken. “Can we even do that?”

“What?” she replied. “Of course we can, Ali. It’s not like it’s illegal everywhere. It’s just…well, we couldn’t get married in Virginia…or Florida…”

“I’m just…” Ashlyn waited anxiously as she watched Ali search for the words. “I don’t know,” she finally said, and Ashlyn felt like she wanted to just melt into the chair and disappear. “I suppose I never even thought about it.”

“Right,” Ashlyn said, her voice tight. She stood from the table, hardly feeling like she was the one controlling her movements. She grabbed the set of keys laying at the opposite end of the table and made a move to the front door of their apartment. “I’ll just…I’ll get the groceries I guess.” The last she saw, Ali was staring at her from her seat, arms wrapped around her middle, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

Ashlyn spent entirely too long at the grocery store for what she had to get. It was sad, walking up and down the aisles and back again, but she couldn’t bring herself to go back home. She didn’t know how she was supposed to face Ali after their talk. In the span of only a few minutes, her vision of their future was torn apart. She couldn’t believe Ali expressly said that she wanted them to be together in the future, but couldn’t imagine marrying her.

As she made the short walk back to their apartment, a couple paper bags in her hands, Ashlyn supposed that marriage wasn’t a necessity to have a committed, long-term relationship. After all, she knew that many same-sex couples had to go through that. Still, she wanted to marry Ali. She wanted to call her her wife and be a wife to her. And then there was the return of that old worry that Ashlyn thought had been forgotten — was Ali still so worried about being seen in a relationship with her?

Back at home, Ashlyn went about her chores and Ali did hers. The tension between them was nearly tangible. Ashlyn did a bit of sulking around the apartment and, meanwhile, Ashlyn could tell that Ali was walking on eggshells. Good, she thought.

“I know you’re upset with me,” Ali said finally. Ashlyn was laying out on the couch. Ali sat herself on the edge near Ashlyn’s legs. Ashlyn only shrugged in response. “I understand why,” Ali continued. “I’m really sorry for what I said, Ashlyn. It all took me a bit by surprise.”

“You wouldn’t have been surprised if I was a man,” Ashlyn muttered. She could visibly see Ali stiffen in front of her. She knew it was a mean thing to say, but she also believed it to be very, very true. “That’s what’s so fucked up about this. We love each other. We want to be with each other for a long time, and yet you’ve never thought about marrying me?”

“I was caught off guard,” Ali replied firmly. Her face was growing a little red, but whether that was from anger or frustration or what, Ashlyn couldn’t tell. “Yeah, I’d never really thought about it, but only because I didn’t think it was something we’d ever be able to do.” Quieter, she said, “I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re it for me.”

Ashlyn sat up to look at her. “You mean that?” Ali nodded, her lips pursed, brow furrowed, face growing a tinge darker red. Ashlyn could tell then that her coloring was the effect of trying not to cry.

“I’m really sorry I hurt you,” Ali told her. “I need you to know that I do want that with you — I want everything life can offer with you. It just took a little for my brain to realize that that could happen.”

As Ashlyn pulled Ali into a hug, she felt the pieces of her heart that were scattered only hours earlier were being pieced back together. Ali murmured more apologies in Ashlyn’s ear as they hugged, her lips getting closer and closer to touching her skin with each one. Finally, Ashlyn couldn’t stand it and she turned Ali’s head so that she could steal a kiss.

“I didn’t picture life would be like this,” Ali admitted. “I didn’t picture love would be like this. But this is better than anything I possibly could’ve imagined. It’s better because it’s you.”

A few months later, she found herself back on the beach again. Her subconscious was drawn there as strongly as her body was. And it was the same dream; always the same. She had become familiar with this nameless, unplaceable beach from her dreams. This one, a continuation from a nightmare of long ago, picked up where it had left off from.

She had just fought for her life in the wild surf, pulling her tired and beaten body onto the shoreline. But she had lost something…Someone. It was the girl — the woman — who she had called out to. Still breathing heavy, she hoisted herself into a standing position, stumbling up the beach with legs like lead. Like before, her eyes scanned the sand around her, dark and hard-packed, and the swaying grass that covered the distant dunes.

There she was, like a mirage in the distance. She was far enough away that her features couldn’t be seen. Even though the air had stilled, her dark hair billowed around her. A pang shot through her chest as she rested her eyes upon the girl — relief, longing, loss. All she knew was that she had to catch her and take her up in her arms. It was the only thing she wanted.

“Hey!” she called out, cupping her hands around her mouth to amplify her voice. The woman seemed to turn and look at her before hurrying away in the opposite direction. She took after her immediately, feet slapping hard against the sand.

She ran and ran and kept the woman in sight, but just out of reach until suddenly she just wasn't there anymore. She slowed and stopped in front of a pool. It was made through the waves coasting over a little indent in the sand. The water there was only a couple inches deep, clear and rippling gently, the edges of the pool frothy with sea foam. She looked down into the pool and saw her reflection, hazy and obscured by the movement of the water.

Then, out of the edge of her vision, she saw a long, delicate finger touch the surface of the water. A larger ripple spread out from the center of her touch and the pool calmed. The image cleared. She looked up to see if the woman was there, across the pool from her, but she was gone again. She knelt closer to the tranquil pool and looked in.

There she was. But she didn’t look how she thought she must, coming straight out of the ocean as she had. Her hair was dry, in long golden waves. Her face clear, sun-kissed, relaxed. Her eyes were bright. She looked happy. Looking down at the image, her brow furrowed. She leaned in even closer, unable to understand how she was seeing this or what it meant.

The ghost of a touch caressed her bare shoulder. It was warm and soft and familiar and she knew immediately that it was the woman. A feeling of absolute contentedness filled her and warmed her from the inside as she relaxed into the touch. She was directed to look up, and in the distance down the beach, she could see a small child. The touch faded away, but she did not feel its absence like a loss. In a way, she felt the woman’s presence with her still. She stood, watching the child.

Another pang in her chest, and she set off running again. And she ran until she woke up.

“You were moving around a lot. Was it a bad dream?”

Ashlyn looked over to see Ali on her side of the bed, propped up on one arm, simply looking at her. The covers pooled around her waist. Ashlyn shook her head and let her body relax back into the pillows again. She stared at the ceiling, letting the last hazy images of her dream play out for her again. She could nearly see it in her mind’s eye. Nearly.

“I remember running,” she said, letting her voice trail off. She could remember running down the beach clearly. She could remember the grit of the sand. The feeling in her chest was still there — that longing that ached terribly. And then she saw the hazy, blurred image of a child in the distance.

“Running sounds like a goalkeeper’s nightmare,” Ali joked.

The child had just been standing there, all alone, on the beach. Ashlyn rubbed her sternum, as if that could alleviate her pain. She didn’t even know why she hurt so much. She almost wished she could be dragged back to sleep so that she could try to catch up to the child. She needed to see them; she couldn’t tell if they were a boy or a girl.

“Well, we gotta get up now, track star,” Ali said, nudging Ashlyn in the side. “You’ve got the thing with Jamie today.”

“Oh yeah,” Ashlyn said. The corners of her lips lifted a little at that. They were in Satellite Beach to hang out with Ashlyn’s family and friends, and Jamie had asked Ashlyn if she would do some promotional work for To Write Love on Her Arms. Ashlyn jumped at the chance, of course, not only to help her friend but because she wanted as many people like her to learn about TWLOHA as possible.

They took turns in the bathroom and got dressed in light outfits for the hot summer weather in Satellite Beach before donning flip flops and sunglasses and heading out the door to grab some brunch at the local diner. Then it was a drive a little bit further away to get to Jamie’s TWLOHA headquarters. Ashlyn rapped her knuckles on the door to his office before she pushed the door open.

“Ashlyn!” Jamie said, his smile crinkling his eyes. He got up from his desk and pulled her into a tight hug. “Long time, no see. I’m so glad you came over.”

“Of course,” Ashlyn replied. “How could I miss this opportunity? Oh, Jamie, this is Ali. Ali, this is Jamie,” she introduced.

“Ashlyn talks a lot about you,” Jamie said as he held out a hand to Ali. “The one with love tattooed on her arm.”

“Same with you,” Ali replied, shaking his hand. “I have to say a serious thank-you. You’ve been kind of like her savior, especially when I couldn’t be there.”

Ashlyn wrapped an arm around Ali’s waist and pressed a feather-light kiss to her temple. She needed Ali to know how much of a savior she had been; how much she had done for Ashlyn as well. Jamie said it out loud for her.

“From what I hear, you’ve got some amazing healing powers, too.”

Jamie introduced them to the photographer who would be working with Ashlyn on the TWLOHA promotional photos they’d be using on social media and led them to the room where they’d do the shoots. The background was already set up — a red pattern of carpet on the floor — and so were all of the lights and other equipment. Jamie pulled out a couple boxes of the organization’s merchandise, asking Ashlyn to pick out her size of the new tank tops they’d just gotten printed.

“No one else can play your part” they said in white lettering — a reminder that everyone was important; a reminder to stay on this earth another day. Ashlyn didn’t bother with using the bathroom or anything, instead shucking off her shirt without a thought and putting on the new one.

“Looks really cool with the sleeve,” Jamie noted, and directed Ashlyn over to the set-up before the photographer took over. They took a couple different shots of Ashlyn laying there, her eyes unfocused and hair splayed behind her like a halo before the photographer stood back and looked at Ali.

“You wanna be in one with her?” he asked Ali. Ashlyn propped herself up on her elbows to watch Ali’s expression. Her girlfriend’s eyes flickered first to her and then to Jamie.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Can I?”

“Sure,” Jamie said with a shrug. “Grab a shirt. This is mostly fun, anyway. Ashlyn’s just going to Instagram some stuff. We may use a shot on the website…Something like that.”

Ashlyn continued to watch as Ali changed in front of her, whistling at her playfully. Her attire matching Ashlyn’s, she walked over to the set-up and the photographer directed her to lay down sort of perpendicular to Ashlyn.

“You’re the perfect model,” he commented, as he positioned her left arm so that her tattoo could be read clearly. Both Ashlyn and Ali laughed at that. “Alright, now Ali — close your eyes. Ashlyn, imagine you two are together and you’re up late at night, thinking. Hold onto her wrist, there. Good. Like that.”

There were a couple flashes and snaps as he took the shots.

“Nice,” Jamie said as he looked them over. “It looks strangely…really intimate.”

“Ashlyn…you look so beautiful,” Ali commented once she’d seen it. Ashlyn pressed a kiss to the top of Ali’s head.

“You too, babe,” she said. Looking at the photograph, she couldn’t wait to share it with the world. There was so much love written in the background of what should have been a relatively unassuming pose — the way it looked like Ali was sleeping, the way they were connected with the touch of Ali’s hand to Ashlyn’s wrist, the way they fit together. It really was beautiful.

They took a couple more, just for fun — some just with Ali, cheesing it up for the camera. With her laying there on her back, Ashlyn scooted over out of the view of the camera and laid down parallel to Ali, who was rocking the positioning the photographer had put her in. They wanted a real smile out of her so, laying there next to her, Ashlyn whispered, “I love you, Alex.” Ali beamed, and there was a flash.