Sway

Ali started planning their hypothetical wedding without even being proposed to. The first time she did it, it was so out of the blue that Ashlyn nearly choked on her post-training protein shake.

“Did you see the flowers Alex chose?” she had commented. “I wish we could do the same thing, but we can’t copy unfortunately. I’m thinking, maybe something in the same sort of color scheme though.”

“What?” Ashlyn had responded, wiping liquid from her chin and trying to close her mouth. But Ali had only responded with a broad, teasing grin, and reminded Ashlyn that Virginia had legalized same-sex marriage a couple days before. Ashlyn had grinned in return. That was one of their homes down, and it seemed the new legislation spurned Ali on into really believing that they could have that happy ending, too.

She was more prepared for the next time Ali surprised her with hypothetical wedding plans. And the time after, she decided that they would turn all of this into a game.

“We’re getting married on a beach of course,” Ashlyn would say. And Ali would agree because Ashlyn had few other hard stipulations and who wouldn’t want a nice beach wedding.

“At sunset,” Ali would add. “We can take the pictures by the water with the sun just setting.”

They hid the game from everyone else — all of their teammates, friends, and family — as best they could so that nobody would get the wrong idea. Ashlyn had only just let her eyes wander over the many different cuts and settings of engagement rings. There was no serious shopping going on and she didn’t think there would be for some time. Even with how careful they were, however, Whitney ended up hearing and so did Pinoe and, once Pinoe knew, the whole team was cooing over how cute their game was.

“She’s just begging for you to pop the question,” Abby teased. “Those are mad signals right there.”

“Ooh what color scheme have you picked out, Ali?” Syd asked excitedly. They actually did proceed into an intense discussion of wedding colors — what worked and what didn’t; what was cliche and what was a classy sort of traditional. Ashlyn rolled her eyes at it all, but secretly loved it. The game wasn’t just theirs anymore, but it all made her future with Ali seem even more concrete and real.

As Alex’s wedding rang in the new year, the expression of love and the copious amounts of alcohol they’d both consumed only added to Ali’s apparent wedding fever.

“That was so beautiful,” she breathed against Ashlyn’s lips as they fell all over each other back in their hotel room. “The ceremony was so touching.”

“It was,” Ashlyn agreed, distracted. She was busy trying to pull that dress off of Ali — the one that had distracted her all night with how the back was cut out. She finally found the zip and pulled, letting the thin straps drop off of Ali’s shoulders and the fabric pool at her feet.

After the celebrations, however, it was time to buckle down and train more than ever. 2015 meant that they had mere months to prepare for the World Cup. For Ali, that meant ensuring her fitness was on a whole other level from the rest of the world. For Ashlyn, it meant playing consistently enough and staying healthy enough to firmly lock down her number two spot on the depth chart. Keeping herself healthy would be the real challenge as she was already busting her ass to get back into good form after shattering her thumb.

“What?” Ashlyn said. She knew her mouth was hanging open, so she tried to close it. The shock of what she was being told was a bit much, though. She hardly knew if she was imagining it all.

“You’ll be starting in the match and honestly, you should plan on starting all of them. Just, mentally, prepare for that.”

Ashlyn wondered if she even dared to ask.

“What does that mean for the depth chart?”

Graeme shrugged a little. “You’re looking like a good candidate for second,” he replied. “But there’s still a lot of time between now and the World Cup, so if I see you get even the slightest bit complacent, there are plenty of other options to take your spot.”

“Yes, of course,” Ashlyn replied seriously. “If anything, I’m even more hungry now.”

Graeme clapped her on the shoulder hard. “That’s what I like to hear, Harris,” he said, and sent her on her way.

The game against France didn’t end how she’d wanted it to. It didn’t start how any of them wanted it to, and they all exited the field in a state of bewilderment almost at how horribly they’d all played. The forwards were all annoyed at their attacks being shut down and denied, but Ashlyn was mostly angry with herself for letting in that first ball especially. The game against England was better, but not by much. Nobody played especially well. Ashlyn still got scored on, though the strike didn’t count. The USWNT was looking off their game at a dangerous time.

“Ashlyn, don’t,” Ali said as she walked into their bedroom. “Don’t, don’t watch that, please.” She didn’t wait for Ashlyn to move, instead flipping down Ashlyn’s laptop so that she couldn’t keep watching the stream of their game against France. Ashlyn stared at the place where the game used to be.

It looked different on the screen than it did while she was in the net, but she had a hard time discerning which was more horrible — living through that game, or listening to the commentators rip her to shreds. Each comment was like another wall of water slapping her from every side, and she had nothing to hit back with. She knew Ali had placed a hand on her shoulder but could hardly feel her touch.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“I wanted to know how badly everyone else thought I’d fucked up,” Ashlyn replied hoarsely. “Turns out, it’s quite a lot.” She shook her head, running a hand over the still-warm top of her Macbook.

“That’s not the type of criticism you should be exposing yourself to, Ashlyn,” Ali admonished. “Those commentators are not your coaches; they don’t know jack shit. They’re unfairly tearing into you when, you know who they should be ripping to shreds instead? The entire rest of the team. We all played like shit. You did fine.”

“Sometimes it makes you wonder, though. You know…Whether things would’ve been different for me if I hadn’t been injured.”

Ali swallowed. A beat. “You can’t think like that, Ash.”

“I know it’s not good for me, but my brain can’t stop. It just keeps going and going and - ”

“Ashlyn.” Ali moved the laptop over to the side, climbing atop of Ashlyn so that she was straddling her legs. She cupped Ashlyn’s face in her hands, forcing Ashlyn to stare into her eyes. She tried to look away. She could see the glint of herself there, but didn’t want to. Ali wouldn’t let her.

“Where is the strong woman I know?” Ashlyn watched as Ali’s eyes ran over her face, her thumbs swiping patterns on her cheeks.

“She’s tired of always not being good enough.” She’s lost in the dark water. Ashlyn felt Ali sag back, resting her weight more fully on Ashlyn’s legs.

“You are always enough, Ashlyn,” Ali said seriously, her voice low and insistent. “You are wonderfully loved by everyone around you. You are kind and compassionate. You’re a deep thinker. You’re a loyal friend. A patient and careful lover. You are a good keeper and an even better person. You are more than good enough.”

Done with her tirade, Ali stared at Ashlyn intently, waiting for something. Ashlyn let out a shaky breath, the tightening in her jaw letting her know that she was near tears. She let out another breath, trying to calm herself. Eyes unfocused in her efforts, she only felt Ali brush wetness from under her eyes. She leaned in then, and kissed her gently.

“You will take these challenges and you’ll use them to grow more and become even stronger. I know, because you are so resilient and you never give up and I will be there to support you every step of the way.”

“Thank you, Alex,” Ashlyn whispered to her, pulling her into her body for a tight hug.

Ali ran her hands down Ashlyn’s face to her neck, trailing them across the planes of her shoulders, tracing her sides. They both watched the descent until Ali looked up and tilted her head to press a hard kiss to Ashlyn’s mouth. It was like a kiss of life; that magical touch that pushed new air into her lungs and drew it back out. Her own hands moved to rest on Ali’s waist, trailing down to play with the edge of her t-shirt.

Ali was her wall. She was her life raft. She was there when there was nothing else, ready and willing to stand by her side and save her. Ashlyn was going to let her. As Ashlyn pushed Ali’s shirt up and ran her hands along the bare skin of her sides, Ali gasped into her mouth. They separated to pull off shirts and fell into each other again, a constant push and pull until they were tangled together so close they were hardly two bodies at all.

“I love you so much,” Ali murmured against her, voice breathy with her desire. Ashlyn arched up into her touch, head back, lost somewhere between that room and another state altogether.

Ashlyn could tell that Ali was missing her family as the year continued on and they grew busier and busier, so she decided to surprise her girl with a couple tickets to Miami. They’d use what short break they had in between camps and other training to visit Deb Deb and hopefully get some much-needed relaxation time in.

“Are you serious?” Ali had interrogated when Ashlyn first brought up the fact that she’d booked the tickets. A grin spreading across her face, Ashlyn had nodded slowly. Ali had squealed — like Ashlyn knew she would — and launched herself into Ashlyn’s arms, peppering her face with kisses and whispering thank-you’s into her ear.

“Ooh, it’s so good to see you two,” Debbie greeted them as they walked into her Miami condo. She wrapped first Ali into a crushing hug and then Ashlyn. “Thank you for bringing her here,” she added into Ashlyn’s ear.

“Of course, Deb Deb,” Ashlyn replied, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

Family time was rare and precious, so they spent most of that first night simply catching up. They ordered take-out and talked about what they’d been doing and Ali and her mom shared their new finds in regards to beauty products and purses.

“So…” Debbie started as they crowded around the coffee table in the living room with glasses of wine and containers of Chinese food. Ashlyn and Ali had decided upon sitting on the floor, legs brushing, backs propped up against the couch. Debbie sat herself in the armchair by the wide-paned windows. She looked at them over the top of her glass like she was a cat looking at a caught mouse.

“It’s been a couple years now.”

Ashlyn raised an eyebrow in Ali’s direction, but contemplated it over another sip of wine. Ali shrugged.

“Four…Working on five now,” Ali said before Ashlyn could answer.

“So even longer than I was going to give you.” She didn’t mention it, but Ashlyn knew she’d been trying to work around what Ali and her liked to refer to as their ‘silly little relationship hiatus’ now that the wounds were fully closed, the scar only around to remind them what had pulled them apart before. “Ever think about moving past just dating?”

Ashlyn choked on her wine and, as she sputtered and Ali whacked her back gently, she only hoped it wouldn’t come out her nose. Ali rubbed circles on her back as Ashlyn’s spell ended. She looked over at Ali to gauge her expression.

“We’ve thought about it,” Ali said. Instead of moving her hand away, she let her arm drape across the couch, warm against Ashlyn’s back. “And we’ve talked about it. I don’t think you or I will be buying dresses any time soon, though.”

Debbie looked scandalized. “You don’t want to marry my daughter, Ashlyn?”

“What? No, of course I do,” Ashlyn replied earnestly. Beside her, Ali giggled a little behind her hand. Ashlyn met her eyes for only a second, but she could see that Ali’s were shining with happiness. In their darkness, her reflection was beaming as well. Ashlyn’s heart clenched. She knew she could never express just how much she wanted to marry Ali. “Neither of us are really ready for it to happen right now, though. There’s the World Cup…and then the Olympics.”

“It’s the wrong time in the cycle,” Ali agreed. “Things will calm down after the Olympics and maybe we’ll do it then.”

“Better hurry up,” Debbie said, taking a sip of wine. “I want grandbabies and Alex, I love your brother dearly, but he certainly hasn’t made any progress on that front.”

Ashlyn was glad she hadn’t taken another drink from her glass before that statement or she surely would’ve coughed up everything on the cream carpet. Ali was quiet beside her, face flushed bright red in a way Ashlyn knew was not caused by the alcohol.

Even with their little break, the stress of constantly moving around was getting to Ali enough that it was quite clear to Ashlyn. Neither of them especially liked the nomadic sort of life they had to live in order to play their sport but, as they hopped on another plane or slumped into the seats of another team bus, Ashlyn would always reach over to squeeze Ali’s hand or pat her thigh and remind her that at least they were doing this together.

Still, for much of the year they had one thing hitting them after another — camps, training with Chris back in DC, pre season training with the Spirit. Whenever they weren’t playing soccer, they were doing interviews and other promotional gigs to get ready for the World Cup. And, on top of that, the NWSL season started.

They’d both suffered injuries on the field in front of one another before. Ashlyn had gotten a concussion the previous season. Ali had gotten knocked around before. They’d even had to deal with little scuffles on behalf of each other. This was different, though. Ali was out. Ashlyn’s heart stopped.

She was tracking the ball but, after it had been cleared relatively well, her eyes fell to Ali, who was just laying there on the field where she had fallen. Ashlyn felt her stomach churn as she walked towards Ali, trying to keep her face impassive. The whistle had already blown; the trainer had already come out and he was trying to turn Ali over.

“Hey, how’s she looking?” Carli asked as she walked over to check on Ali as well. She was soon joined by Ella Masar.

“She’s gotta be alright,” Ashlyn said in reply, more to convince herself than anything. Her job on the field was to protect the goal, but she couldn’t even protect one of her defenders. She couldn’t even protect her girlfriend. She felt so lost and powerless and she knew the only person who could make her feel better was laying in a daze on the field. From behind her, she heard Ali’s voice faintly and turned to kneel by her side.

Ali was staring up above her with eyes that obviously weren’t seeing much. She looked dazed and out of it, like she was higher than a kite. Ashlyn knew how dangerous this was, though. Ali had had concussions before. Ashlyn had had a couple herself. She placed a hand on Ali’s and waited with her as the trainer asked her a series of questions.

“What’s your name? Do you remember where you are? What team are you playing for?”

Ali was mostly non-responsive, which made Ashlyn more nervous. Even concussed, those questions should have been simple enough.

“Where’s Ashlyn?” she got out. Ashlyn rubbed her gloved hand along Ali’s arm.

“I’m here, baby,” she murmured to her. Ali’s eyes couldn’t focus on her and Ashlyn felt her heart sink.

As they pulled out the stretcher, Ashlyn was told to move, but she didn’t go very far, hovering constantly from one side to the other, trying to just keep Ali talking a little, looking for a bit of lucidity. It was not her favorite thing, helping the trainers and staff strap Ali to the backboard, a brace wrapped around her neck, and lift her onto the gurney. They had her move her feet for everyone — luckily, she could do it fine.

She rested her hand on Ali’s side, then on her leg, her arm; she gripped her hand — anything to let Ali know that she was still with her as it seemed she drifted in and out of remembering exactly what was going on.

“Ash?” she asked again. “Baby.”

“Hey, you’re doing okay,” Ashlyn replied, patting her hand. She wished she could feel Ali’s skin under hers, but she still had her gloves on.

“Ash, where are we going?”

“You’re going to go to the hospital, okay, baby?”

“And you’re coming too, right?”

Ashlyn’s jaw tensed. She wished she could go with Ali right then and there. She needed to make sure that she was alright, but there was still a game to play. What would that look like, for the starting goalkeeper to run off with the right back before the first half was even over?

“I can’t, Princess,” she said. “I’ve got to finish this game.”

“Ashlyn, I don’t want to go without you.” Ashlyn frowned, wanting to kiss her so badly. She settled for squeezing Ali’s hand.

“I have to let you go now, Alex, but I will come find you after the game,” Ashlyn promised. “I have to go.” Ali gripped at her hand. “Hey, Pierre over there will hold your hand in place of me,” she suggested. “Now wave to everyone so they know you’re okay.”

There was a knot in Ashlyn’s stomach as she walked back to her box, her head clouded with thoughts of Ali. She hadn’t seen a concussion that bad in person. Ali had been severely out of it. That was the type of concussion that could cause long-lasting problems. That was the kind of concussion that could end a career or make day-to-day life difficult for Ali. Ashlyn let out a breath and tried to pull herself back into the moment as the whistle blew to continue play, but it was hopeless. All she wanted was for the seconds to tick up faster so that she could get to Ali.

After the final whistle blew, announcing the Spirit’s defeat, Ashlyn was out of there without a second glance. In the locker room, she changed quickly, clenching her phone in between her cheek and shoulder as she explained what happened first to Ken, who was calmly concerned and made an effort to help Ashlyn center herself as well, and then to Debbie, who was very loudly and frantically worried about her baby girl. Kyle asked if he needed to fly in. Mark breezed through the empty locker room to direct Ashlyn to a cab that would take her to the hospital.

Ali’s prognosis was good. She’d suffered a severe concussion, but her symptoms were already starting to alleviate. There would be a long road of recovery ahead, but she was not in danger of any lasting effects. Hearing the doctor’s thoughts, Ashlyn physically slumped against the side of Ali’s hospital bed. Ali’s hand was on her shoulder in a second. She was telling her not to worry in a quiet voice.

Jill called the next morning as Ali and Ashlyn were just rousing themselves from sleep. Ashlyn had refused to leave Ali there by herself so, while the trainers left to return to the hotel with the rest of the players, Ashlyn camped out in the entirely-too-square armchair beside the hotel bed. She awoke with a crick in her neck, but it was all worth it to be able to make sure Ali was doing alright.

Ashlyn answered as Ali was putting on her mascara — a surer sign that she was going to be alright than anything else.

“Hello?”

“Ashlyn, hello,” came Jill’s voice, her accent soft and barely discernible. “How are you? And how is Ali doing? I just wanted to check in.”

“Oh, thank you,” Ashlyn replied. “The doctors said to expect a couple weeks’ recovery time but that Ali should be back to normal soon enough. And she’s a trooper, so I expect nothing less.” She saw Ali grinning a little out of the corner of her eye.

“Good, good,” Jill said. “I was hoping that was the case, otherwise I might have to rethink the final roster.” Ashlyn swallowed thickly. The World Cup roster.

“So…are you saying…”

“I’ll release everything publicly in the next couple days, but you may tell Ali congratulations,” Jill said. Ashlyn let out a breath and looked at Ali. Her girl had made it. She expected nothing less, but she was flooded with pride and love for her all the same. “Congratulations for the both of you.”

“Excuse me?” Ashlyn said, feeling the jolt of surprise almost physically.

“I decided I probably shouldn’t leave you hanging in limbo like that,” Jill said lightly. “So congratulations to you both. Keep Ali safe and healthy and I’ll see the two of you next camp.”

“Thank you, Coach,” Ashlyn managed to choke out as her chest constricted around her pounding heart. She hung up the phone and turned to Ali, who was just putting all her makeup back in her bag.

“Was that Mark? What’d he say?”

“Actually, that was Jill,” Ashlyn replied. She shook her head, unable to stop herself from grinning widely. “She asked about how you were doing and then said that we’ve both…” She took another deep breath, nearly laughing at Ali’s bewildered expression. “Ali, we’ve both made the World Cup roster!”

Back in their apartment, even a couple weeks after the incident in Houston, the lights were dimmed. The blinds were often drawn. Ashlyn learned not to turn the TV on too loud or make too much noise in the kitchen. She also learned to get up with Ali every less-than-restful night she had. Ali was often grumpy, her energy fluctuated like the tides, and she was frustrated with herself for not getting better as quickly as she wanted. The release of the World Cup roster only made Ali want to get back on the field more, and she wasn't even allowed to jog.

“Hey, babe?” Ashlyn called softly as she entered the apartment. She shifted the bags she was holding behind her. Just come back from the grocery store, she had quite a bit to bring in.

“Hey,” Ali croaked in return from the living room. Ashlyn stopped by the kitchen to set down a couple things before heading in there, only to find Ali sitting on the couch with her hands pressing into her eyes, her glasses sitting over them, askew. Beside her was an abandoned packet of papers.

“Oh, hun,” Ashlyn admonished. She could tell Ali was still in pain.

“I printed out the training material Dawn and Jill sent over — and I promise I didn’t spend any more time on the computer.” Ashlyn rolled her eyes. “I was trying to read it but my eyes keep getting all fuzzy and it’s so annoying.”

Ashlyn went over to kneel in front of Ali, prying one hand away from her head gently. Ali pulled the other one down by herself, allowing her glasses to perch on her nose again. She smiled at Ashlyn sheepishly and Ashlyn leaned in to kiss her nose.

“Well then maybe this will cheer you up,” Ashlyn said. She pulled the little bouquet of spring flowers she’d picked up at the farmers’ market by the Foggy Bottom metro stop and presented them to Ali. Her face immediately lit up and she took the flowers in her hands, running her fingers along the petals of a sunflower and smelling a couple others.

“Do you like them?” Ashlyn asked, already knowing the answer.

“They’re beautiful,” Ali replied. She leaned in to peck Ashlyn’s lips. “I should go put them in a vase.”

“You just sit,” Ashlyn told her. “I’ll do it, and I can do you one better, too. Do you want an Ibuprofen and some water?”

Ali let out a sigh of happiness and collapsed dramatically against the back of the couch as Ashlyn took back the flowers. “You are the greatest, Ash,” she said in earnest.

Ali recovered fully from her concussion in time to play in the Mother’s Day game against Ireland. The coaches had put together a wonderful surprise for everyone — as none of the players had much of a chance to see their families ever — and brought in everyone’s moms to watch the game. Ali had let out a cry of joy upon seeing Debbie and a wide smile spread across Ashlyn’s face as well as she saw her mother walk in the door along with the rest of them.

In the beginning of the game, they all walked out with their mothers, officially announced as the 2015 Women’s World Cup team. As Ashlyn stood there, hand brushing against her mom’s, she felt that this was one of her proudest moments. She couldn’t stop smiling. Soon, she would be accomplishing one of her greatest dreams — to be a part of a senior World Cup team — and her mother was happily smiling away beside her, ready to support her through it all.

“Guess what my mom asked about again,” Ali said one night.

“What?”

Ali gave her an incredulous look, like how could you not possibly know, but told Ashlyn anyway. “She keeps pestering me about having babies.”

Babies. Ashlyn wondered if Ali could sense her first impulse, shock, before her wonder and excitement for the future took over. She’d always loved children and dreamed of having her own, but never so much as when she thought about having children with Ali. She could almost picture them — little spitting images of her favorite girl.

“I was like ‘Deb, I have to play in this little thing called the World Cup…Can’t exactly do that pregnant’ and she just had that smile — you know the one.” Ashlyn shook her head, laughing a little.

“And then there was your mother.” Ashlyn perked up at that, honestly a bit worried about what her mom could possibly have said to Ali. “I think she and Deb are conspiring together cuz she was talking about wanting grandkids, too.”

“Hey, they’re just working to get what they want,” Ashlyn allowed. Ali was quiet and Ashlyn could feel the tone of the conversation begin to shift.

“I really do want kids,” Ali said seriously. “Maybe not right now because of soccer, but I do want to make a family in the future…” She trailed off and Ashlyn waited with bated breath for the end of that sentence that clearly hung there, suspended, in between them. “With you.”

Ashlyn reached out to take Ali’s hands in hers. “I would love, love, love to have a family with you, Alex,” she said. “I’ve been thinking about it for an embarrassingly long time, actually. But I want to do it whenever you’re ready. It’s a big decision.”

“So we’re gonna have to tell our moms to wait,” Ali assessed, staring off into the distance. Something came to Ashlyn then and she looked at Ali, hoping she was in a good enough mood to even consider it.

“Maybe we can get a dog in the meantime,” Ashlyn suggested hopefully. “It’d be like a four-legged grandbaby for them!” Ali’s face transformed into a picture of shock and horror.

“You are trying to guilt me into getting that French Bulldog you want while I’m getting all hormonal over here thinking about babies,” Ali accused. Laughing a little, Ashlyn pulled Ali into her side, pressing kisses to the top of her head.

“Aw, babe,” she said. “I just mean it might be good training for everyone.”

“It would be unfair to the puppy and you know it,” Ali returned.

“But maybe when we settle down a little more?” Ashlyn prodded. She knew she was pushing it.

“Maybe,” Ali agreed, snuggling further into Ashlyn. “It’d be nice to raise the kids with a dog.”