Sway

There had been a point in time in which Ashlyn Harris never thought she’d get back on a surfboard again. In fact, she had been so scared of the ocean, she grew to prefer tanning on the beach, a pastime she had previously scoffed at.

The surf had been nice that day and she had caught plenty of waves. Back on the boat, which was anchored a ways offshore, she could hear faint trails of the music that was playing. It was the boat that belonged to the family of the boy she was seeing. Even in her head, she had a difficult time calling him her boyfriend. After all, wasn’t she supposed to like him more if he was her boyfriend?

That’s what she had been thinking about as she paddled out to meet another great wave. Mind occupied and arms moving powerfully through the water, she barely had time to stop herself as a mammoth of a shark surfaced only feet in front of her, its dorsal fin breaking through the water and sending up a cloud of spray. Ashlyn bit back a scream and pulled her limbs in onto the board, chest heaving as she tried to slow her breathing, waiting for the shark to swim away.

Swim away, she thought at the shark, swim away.

After what seemed like years of waiting, she could just see the tail of the shark in the distance. Trying to keep herself calm, she turned around and paddled as fast as she could back to the boat. Her arms and lungs burned but she couldn’t stop.

“Ash, what’s got you so worked up?” her boy…friend asked as she grew closer.

“Shark,” she yelped, past caring about how scared she sounded and more than grateful to see the worry furrow his brow as he quickly got up and reached out to help her back onto the boat. She accepted his help as he pulled up her board and wrapped her in a towel, holding her close to him tightly.

“I am not surfing ever again,” she promised herself. Her friends and family all looked at her strangely as she sold her board, pocketing what little cash she got for it. “It’s too dangerous,” she replied with a shrug. “I’m not going back in there to get eaten alive.”

For the first time in a long time, Ashlyn really went home for Christmas. She ended up driving to her old family home where her mom still lived. The old white door and light-colored stone exterior, the cracked concrete in the walkway and the short-cropped grass all brought back memories Ashlyn physically tried to shy away from. But they were already in her, and there was no hiding.

The first Christmas present Ashlyn received that year was something she hadn’t realized she even wanted — a hug from her mom. Things weren’t perfect between them. Ashlyn pulled away and folded into herself as her mother asked about her life during college, as she told Ashlyn that she followed all the news of whatever team Ashlyn was playing for, as she congratulated Ashlyn on her recent National Team call-up. Still, it was something. It was the first step.

They had a pleasant time together, she and her mother and Chris, the latter of which was sober as well and had a girlfriend and was in a period of such improvement Ashlyn could nearly feel her heart bursting with pride as she looked at him. After they’d opened a couple presents and ate a nice Christmas lunch, Ashlyn and Chris excused themselves to sit together on the curb in front of the house and talk.

“She really seems different,” Ashlyn commented.

“I’m surprised you came back,” Chris replied.

“Me too,” Ashlyn said. “I wasn’t planning on it.” She really hadn’t been, even after answering that second phone call. Still suspicious of her mom’s motives, still trying to protect herself from the memories and the hurt that she knew would come with that trip, she had hung up with a strong resolve to keep her distance. That had been her choice. As Christmas approached, however, she could feel her fear begin to dissipate. And so she had come home, and that was her choice, too.

“Maybe we can be part of each others’ lives,” Ashlyn said, surprising herself yet again. “But only on my say.”

Another unexpected Christmas gift came in the form of a Skype call from the one and only Ali Krieger. They had remained in close contact since they’d departed from Illinois, traveling in separate directions. And it was made easier once Ali came back to the states for the holidays in the middle of December. She was staying at her dad’s place in Northern Virginia for the holidays, so there was no time change to worry about.

“Merry Christmas, Ash!” Ali greeted cheerily.

“Merry Christmas, Princess,” Ashlyn replied. She propelled herself back and forth in her spinning desk chair, excitement flowing through her at the sight of her girl. “Hey, um, I took your advice,” Ashlyn said. “I’m back home for Christmas.”

Ali brightened even more, which Ashlyn hardly thought was possible. “That’s great, Ash! I’m proud of you. Did things…are things alright?” Ashlyn could hear the hesitance in Ali’s voice, like she was walking over shattered glass. Ashlyn looked up at her and smiled softly.

“Maybe soon,” she said. “I think I want to try and actually put effort into making things work again.”

“I’m so proud of you, babe,” Ali said emphatically. Ashlyn raised her eyebrows at the new pet name, grinning like a king.

“What’s that?” she teased. Even over the grainy view of Skype, Ashlyn could see Ali blush vivid pink.

“Sorry, should I not?” Ali cringed.

“No, no, I like being your babe,” Ashlyn assured her. “I’ll take that as my Christmas present.”

“Are you sure you don’t want the real one?” Ali laughed. Ashlyn made her eyebrows dance.

“You got me something?”

“Of course, and you better have gotten me something if you know what’s good for you!” Ashlyn laughed loudly.

“Don’t worry — I have it covered,” she assured her. “So, when can I see you next?”

“Well…I usually go down to my mom’s around New Year’s. That’s, what three hours away from you?”

“Alex!” The call came from far away, but Ashlyn could still hear it loud and clear, picked up on Ali’s mic. “Alex!” It was closer. Ali rolled her eyes and Ashlyn watched as the door to her room was thrown open and a young man with dark, short-cropped hair strode in.

“Alex, it is Christmas, a time of family. You are not supposed to be — ooh, who are you talking to?”

“Alex?” Ashlyn asked.

“My family calls me Alex sometimes,” Ali explained. She was pushed aside as the man slid onto the chair Ali was sitting in, leaning in close to the screen to observe Ashlyn. Ashlyn was glad she’d actually taken the time to make herself presentable that morning. She usually bummed around on Christmas.

“Hello, mystery Skype girl. I’m Kyle, Alex’s brilliant older brother.” He introduced himself flamboyantly, making Ashlyn laugh a little. Sitting so close to each other, Ashlyn could easily see their similarities and differences. Their features were quite different, but they both spoke with the same mumble, the same inflection, and Kyle moved his hands in the same ways Ali often would. He looked clean cut and happy and Ashlyn nearly forgot that he was once so deep into addiction that he’d abandoned his entire family.

“I’m Ashlyn,” Ashlyn replied. “Nice to meet you.”

“She’s my friend from National Team camp,” Ali added. Ashlyn’s smile dropped a little at that. She managed to catch Ali’s eye and watched as she frowned a little as well.

“Yup,” Ashlyn agreed, putting a smile back on. “We were roommates.” Ali looked down at her lap. Kyle looked over at Ali. Ashlyn looked at Kyle.

“Well,” Kyle started, drawing out the word, “You must’ve been a pretty good roommate to earn a Skype call on Christmas day…” It wasn’t malicious. Kyle looked at Ali with a gleam in his eye. “It was nice meeting you, Ashlyn. I hope we can meet in person sometime.”

“Oh, definitely,” Ashlyn agreed. She wondered if she should tell Ali about the knowing look in Kyle’s eyes as he stood and waved goodbye; the shit eating grin he wore, slipping out the door. As the click of the door shutting sounded through the room, Ali finally looked up again.

“I’m so sorry,” she said immediately. “Sorry, I just…I’m not comfortable yet. I want to be, but I can’t get past this block in my head, like…” Her eyes searched the ceiling, as though the answer to what she was feeling inside could be found up there. “Like I’ll be disappointing everyone? Like…they already expect something from me and I’m not that, what they expect.” Ashlyn frowned.

She knew she couldn’t take it to heart — let Ali’s words worm their way into her mind and hurt her — but it was difficult not to take it personally. Was she a disappointment? Would Ali’s family not like her? Abby’s words from the hotel came back to her. She had to help Ali accept herself first.

“Ali, I’m going to support you as much as I can while you’re figuring this new part of you out,” Ashlyn promised. “I don’t want you to think you’re doing anything…wrong, though. You don’t think you and I…us…we’re wrong, do you?”

“No,” Ali replied hurriedly. “No, I — I mean, my brother’s gay. I don’t think that’s wrong.” She sighed, slumping slightly in her seat. “I don’t know what the problem is exactly…It’s something in me.” She turned her head sharply to stare at Ashlyn. “And can’t I just keep you to myself for now? It’s only been a little while.”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn replied weakly. She was trying desperately to understand the turmoil going through Ali’s head. She, of course, remembered discovering that how she felt for girls was different from all the other girls she knew, but she knew that this was different. Ali had someone in her life who was gay and her family seemed fine with it and she was fine with it. Ashlyn couldn’t really grasp why Ali wasn’t fine with herself and didn’t exactly know how to help Ali.

“I can’t wait to see you in person, Alex,” Ashlyn said with a tentative smile. Ali blushed and ducked her head. “Can I call you Alex, too? I think it’s cute.”

“Yes,” Ali said certainly. “I like when you say it.”

Their plans for New Years changed when Abby called and invited them to join her and Sarah as well as Pinoe, Lori, and their girlfriends in Las Vegas to celebrate. Ashlyn was a bit stunned at the invitation. She had gotten to know Abby and Sarah well the previous season at the Washington Freedom. She’d been invited to Abby’s house for steak dinners and they had hung out together a bit outside of soccer. This was a big trip, though, and she couldn’t help but feel excited to be included. There was that little thing, though — that everyone going on the trip was a couple…and then there was her and Ali.

“Are you sure you’d feel comfortable?” Ashlyn asked. They’d been on the phone with each other for awhile talking about the trip. In the background, Ashlyn could hear raucous laughter accompanied by voices. Ali’s family was over for a day-after-Christmas lunch. Ali let out a noise of frustration and Ashlyn listened to her heavy footfalls as the voices grew softer.

“Sorry, they’re all so loud,” Ali said. “What did you say?”

“I was wondering if you’d feel comfortable…you know, being there on what I figure is basically a couples’ trip.” Ashlyn paced a little. On the other end of the line, there was quiet for a long, long moment.

“Yeah, I think so,” Ali said, like it was a question she was asking herself. “It’s just Pinoe and Lori.” A little more confidence. “We don’t have to say anything specific.”

“So…we’re going to Vegas?”

“I think we are.” Ashlyn could hear Ali’s smile.

10…9…8…7…

Ashlyn wrapped an arm around Ali’s shoulders, squeezing her tightly. Alcohol had loosened their limbs throughout the night, but they still remained at a respectable distance from each other. To an outsider, Ashlyn wondered if they would look like good friends or if anyone could tell just how much Ashlyn wanted to kiss her. There were still a few seconds left in 2010, though, and they were in public. Looking down, Ashlyn caught Ali’s eye. She was just about buzzing with excitement. Her dark eyes gleamed.

They really hadn’t talked about what they would present their relationship as to Lori and Pinoe and their girlfriends before they went to Vegas. They didn’t talk about it on the plane or in the hotel as they settled in before heading out to dinner with their friends. As it turned out, Lori and Pinoe didn’t say anything about the fact that Ali and Ashlyn were accompanying them on the trip. Ashlyn couldn’t tell if Abby had told them and they were playing it cool, or they really didn’t notice, but neither she nor Ali had to field any relationship questions.

Exploring the strip with their crazy group had been an adventure and an experience. Hitting up bars and clubs as they made their way around, they got drink after drink and toasted everything from Abby’s bad dancing to waking up with a raging hangover.

“To the perfect way to start the New Year,” Pinoe had proposed, raising her beer. “When you’re throwing up tomorrow morning, feeling like shit, you at least know that your year can only go up from there.”

“Here, here,” Abby agreed. They all clinked their drinks together and took a swig each.

“That was surprisingly thoughtful, Pin,” Sarah said once she’d swallowed.

Pinoe let out a tremendous burp. “I try,” she said.

6…5…

The chanting and cheering and screaming from the crowd they were sandwiched amongst grew louder and louder and Ali and Ashlyn joined in happily. Ashlyn watched Ali out of the corner of her eye as she threw her head back and yelled at the top of her lungs.

She was beginning to think that this trip had been a sort of miracle. She and Ali had gotten together a month ago, but they hadn’t had a chance to see each other in person since then. They hadn’t even gone on that first date. Despite the fact that they’d agreed there would extreme jealousy to deal with if they saw other people, Ashlyn still felt that they only existed together in a weird middle place — their relationship wasn’t strictly defined. They were together, but not together, and definitely hadn’t been together. Despite that, even their short stay in Las Vegas had begun to blur the lines.

“You know, we still haven’t gone on that date,” Ashlyn said, raising her voice a little to be heard over the pounding music. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Abby trying something vaguely related to dancing.

Ali smiled at her. “Does this all count? Vegas seems like a pretty good first date to me.”

“Sure,” Ashlyn said, grinning in return.

Music loud in their ears, Ali turned and began to dance closer to Ashlyn. She was momentarily stunned by how relaxed Ali seemed with everything. Grinning to herself, Ashlyn placed her hands lightly on Ali’s hips. She moved so that her mouth was beside Ali’s ear and softly said, “If this is a date, you better let me buy you another drink.” She could feel Ali shudder against her at the feel of Ashlyn’s breath on her ear.

“After,” she said. “Dance with me, first.”

4…3…

They’d moved again as it grew closer to midnight, joining a party outside on the strip where they could see the large, illuminated countdown. Music was blasting and the throngs of people gave off enough body heat to take the edge off of the chilly desert air. As they all maneuvered through the dancing groups, Ashlyn held out her hand behind her to catch Ali’s, making sure they weren’t separated.

They all got another beer in plastic cups and danced and talked as the minutes wound closer and closer. Ashlyn had dropped Ali’s hand as soon as they'd all picked a place to stop, but she soon found Ali’s hand brushing against hers again. She looked over and Ali was giving her a look, dark and intense. Ashlyn swallowed thickly, hoping no one else had noticed.

“Can I help you, Alex?” Ashlyn murmured close to her ear.

“I’m not doing anything,” Ali giggled. Ashlyn rolled her eyes, certain that Ali was trying to work her up intentionally.

“Sarah and I are going to get some water,” Abby announced as it grew closer to midnight. Ashlyn met her eyes and nearly burst into laughter as she caught on to what she was really doing.

“Pshh,” Pinoe scoffed. “You can’t be done already.” Abby, meanwhile, gave Ashlyn a knowing look.

“Just because you’re not keeping up with proper hydration doesn’t mean we have to follow your example,” Abby replied.

“I am properly hydrated,” Pinoe protested. “Alcohol is still a liquid!” Walshy laughed loudly, throwing her head back. She was far gone. Ashlyn shook her head at the couples’ retreating figures before turning back to their other friends.

2…

The crowd grew and drew them in as it moved and expanded to accommodate the hundreds of drunken partiers and Ashlyn and Ali were swept along with them and the rest of their group. They found themselves in the middle of the crowd.

“This is crazy,” Lori laughed out. Ashlyn secured her arm around Ali’s shoulders and the pair of them watched the countdown in front of them, the neon letters steadily growing closer to midnight.

1…

And as the screams of the party-goers echoed around them and the music blasted and confetti dropped from God knows where, couple smashed their lips together passionately, strangers grabbed each other, drunk girls tottered over on the chests of similarly wasted boys. Beside them, Lori and Pinoe were kissing their girlfriends with abandon, a mix of drunken confidence and the knowledge that no one would care in the midst of their own celebrations.

Ashlyn locked eyes with Ali and smiled sweetly. “Happy New Year, Princess,” she said, pulling Ali into a tight hug. “I think this one’s going to be good.” She looked down at her, giving Ali the option of going for the kiss but, even with all she’d had to drink, Ali merely blushed and looked away. As Ashlyn started to pull away, Ali jumped forward and caught Ashlyn on the cheek, right beside her ear. Ashlyn feigned anger at that, wiping sticky lip gloss off her cheek.

“Happy New Year,” Ali laughed. Ashlyn grabbed her around the waist and spun her around as best she could with everyone around them.

“I’m gonna need more than that,” Ashlyn murmured in her ear, setting her back down. She watched as Ali’s eyes darkened, her lips parting slightly.

“We can have our own countdown back in the room,” she suggested. Ashlyn suddenly felt the crowd more oppressive than before. She just wanted to leave and be alone with Ali.

Walking back to their hotel room, Ali slipped her hand into Ashlyn’s. They hurried along on the street as best they could, hurried even more in the hotel lobby, and even more down their hallway until Ashlyn was fumbling with the door and Ali was encouraging her with light touches on her stomach, eyes scanning the area around them to make sure they were alone.

The door fell shut behind the giggling pair. Ali threw off her heels, tossing them at the dresser. Ashlyn watched her with a grin. Her tight black dress had taunted her all night and now she couldn’t help but watch as it rode up the back of her thighs.

“So, that second New Years countdown?” Ali asked, spinning back around to lock her hands behind Ashlyn’s neck. The energy in the room was still light and comfortable, but Ashlyn could feel the dam starting the burst. As Ali pressed her body against hers fully, everything they’d felt that night as they’d danced and drank and laughed, always keeping their touches to the minimum, was coming back. And Ali’s eyes looked so, so dark.

“10…” Ashlyn started, leaning her head down to Ali’s an almost imperceptible distance. She could feel Ali fidgeting against her already, spurring her on. “9…8…7…”

“6,5,4,3,2…” Ashlyn had to laugh at Ali surging through the numbers. She ducked her head closer, watching as Ali bit her lip with anticipation.

They stared at each other for what seemed to be an eternity before Ashlyn finally surged forward and pressed her lips, hot and hard, against Ali’s. Underneath her touch, Ali groaned deeply and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer.

“One,” she let out in a gasp as they parted lips. Ali showed her agreement by pulling her back towards her again.

Any complaints about the cold that had escaped Ashlyn’s lips over the course of the night disappeared and suddenly she was too hot. Her skin burned and what she could feel of Ali’s was burning as well. She groaned just as much in relief as arousal as Ali whispered hotly in her ear, “Take off your shirt,” before attacking the lobe of her ear with her lips.

Ashlyn consented immediately and began to shuck off her jacket, pulling away from Ali just enough to slip her shirt over her head. And then they were on each other again, Ali’s hands roaming to Ashlyn’s stomach, making the muscles there jump under each soft touch. Ashlyn’s hands pushed up the back of Ali’s shirt, running her fingers languidly over the smooth skin she found there.

Breathing heavily, Ali pulled her lips from Ashlyn’s and slipped out of her top, tossing it on the floor behind her. Ashlyn’s eyes raked down her front appreciatively, appraising her taut stomach and the black, lacy bra that encased her heaving chest. She licked her lips and pushed Ali backwards until they were both falling onto the bed.

Ashlyn’s head was spinning. The heat was still consuming her as Ali’s hands explored her body liberally. They’d done this before with each other, but never with so much hunger. Ashlyn had never seen Ali’s eyes so dark or her neck so flushed. As Ashlyn trailed kissed down the column of her neck, Ali’s breath stuttered and Ashlyn grinned into her skin before traveling back up the way she came to press a hard kiss to Ali’s lips.

“I want you,” she breathed as Ashlyn pulled away. A shock of heat ran through her body. Everywhere was pulsing, thrumming with the frantic rhythm of her heart. She took a breath and tried to still her body, un-cloud her head.

“On the first date?” she only half-teased. This was something they hadn’t talked about either.

“Please,” Ali scoffed, “This counts for at least three dates in my book.” She pulled Ashlyn back down to her by the back of her neck and took her bottom lip between both of hers. “Please,” she said again, and this time it was breathy and needy and all Ashlyn knew was how much she wanted Ali too. Her body ached for her touch. She pulled Ali closer.

Ashlyn was intrigued by each gasp and noise Ali made, discovering every little spot that made her squirm. The taste of her, the way she shut her eyes, mouth open, head back — everything was intoxicating. She was caught in a haze of heat and sweat and emotion.

Ali held her own, pushing Ashlyn to go further, shyly pushing down her pants, running her hands along her body with increasing confidence as she let her desire control her. “Are you going to — ” she said as Ashlyn slid down her body.

“Is that okay?” Ashlyn asked. Ali’s eyes were wide and she was breathing hard. She nodded once. Ashlyn heard Ali cry out, and she knew that it was more than alright. And then, after she’d stopped shaking, she turned over to hover over Ashlyn, leaning down to kiss her gently before tugging on her bottom lip.

Ali looked worried as she pulled away, more hesitant than she’d been all night. “I don’t know how to do that for you,” she blurted out. Ashlyn couldn’t help but laugh a little. Her voice was a bit deeper than she’d expected, she was so worked up.

Ali turned red with embarrassment and looked away. “I’ll help you,” Ashlyn promised. She reached out and cupped Ali’s face gently, forcing her to look at her again. “Hey, it’s okay,” she said. “You're driving me crazy already. I don't know that I could handle much more.” Ali laughed, relaxing enough that she let her body drop to rest against Ashlyn’s. She bit back a groan as her body throbbed even more.

“Really?” Ali asked.

“Really,” Ashlyn promised. She glanced at Ali’s lips, plump and red, before looking up to find her eyes dark and intense once more.

Ali was halting and tentative and Ashlyn found herself instructing her in exactly how to move her hands, telling her what felt good and what didn’t. Ali would touch her or kiss the inside of her thigh and then look up for approval, something that strangely enough turned Ashlyn on even more. There was laughing and adjusting and careful encouragements, but Ashlyn didn’t mind.

“You’re so beautiful,” she hissed out, hands gripping at the sheets.

“You’re so beautiful.”