Sway

The qualifying tournament ended with a heartbreak and bitterness was felt throughout all the call-ups, regardless of minutes. Pia had given them all a very serious talk — the ‘I’m very disappointed in you’ talk — and had sent them on their way with the knowledge that, if they didn’t beat Italy in the two-game series that would be held later in the month, their World Cup dreams will have stopped before they ever began and it would be the single most embarrassing defeat in US Women’s Soccer history.

“Pia’s right,” Mittsy said, after the night’s talk. They’d played well against Costa Rica, but the win had done nothing but cement how disappointed everyone was in themselves. They, the number one team in the world, should’ve bested the other CONCACAF qualifying hopefuls like it was child’s play. Instead, they were walking away as the third place contenders, fighting for the last spot in the pool.

“I got flashbacks to my mom’s serious talks,” HAO agreed. She shuddered at the thought. “Definitely not what I needed tonight.”

A large group of girls were gathered in Lori and Pinoe’s room to watch TV and relax before everyone headed back home the next morning. Ashlyn was laying on Pinoe’s bed mindlessly watching the movie they’d put on in the background while everyone talked.

“Hey, Krieger,” Lori said as the door to the room opened. Ashlyn looked over immediately to see Ali standing in the doorway. “Where have you been?”

“Alex, Kelley, and Tobin dragged me into a game of Monopoly,” Ali said. “You wouldn’t believe how competitive they get with it. Tobin was out for blood!”

“She makes me go bankrupt every time,” Mittsy commented.

“That’s because you don’t know how to handle money anyway,” Lori teased with a smirk. A pillow flew across the room in her direction.

Tucking a strand of wavy brown hair behind her ear, Ali stepped around her teammates sprawled on the cream carpet and made her way towards Ashlyn.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” Ashlyn replied. A smile pulled at the corners of her lips as she watched Ali carefully. She scooted over to let Ali join her on the bed. The defender crawled on slowly, arranging herself so that she was lying on her side facing Ashlyn. Ashlyn watched as the room faded away around her. Even the others’ voices got fainter, she was so enraptured.

“So…there’s another camp coming up this month,” Ali started. Her voice was soft and, with her mumble, Ashlyn had to watch her closely to interpret what she’d said. That meant a lot of staring at her lips. Ashlyn wiped her palm on her shorts, suddenly sweaty.

“You know what they think of me,” Ashlyn replied. “I don’t think you should hold out on me getting the call again.”

“I don’t know about that…” Ali was looking at her with that expression again — the one that Ashlyn still couldn’t quite figure out. It was soft and piercing at the same time, like she was seeing right through Ashlyn but, in a way, Ashlyn didn’t care.

“Krieger!” The moment was broken as, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a pillow fly up and smack Ali in the butt. It was Pinoe, of course. Ali yelped and turned quickly, nearly falling off the bed in the process.

“Say ‘time’ in German again,” Lori ordered. She and Pinoe wore matching grins, staring up at her and just waiting.

“What, like with that stupid accent?” Ali asked. They nodded, in sync, like strange spiky-haired twins. Ali sighed and rolled her eyes but sat up on her knees and, puffing out her chest like she was about to lift something incredibly heavy, uttered “TIME!” in a harsh, guttural German accent.

Lori and Pinoe cracked up immediately, turning to one another and mimicking Ali. Ashlyn chuckled from where she lay, watching Ali with wonder and curiosity. It was then she decided for sure that she didn’t want to lose contact with the defender either. Maybe this would hurt. Maybe it was doomed to end badly, but she knew that she was already in too deep and she no longer cared if she was only setting herself up for more imminent pain.

Not even a week later, Ashlyn got an email from US Soccer. She had just gotten back from the gym and was sweating profusely when she saw the notification. There it sat, ready to gift her either heartbreak or a second chance — one she didn’t think she deserved but desperately wanted. She stared at it for a long time before deciding to shower first, open it later.

When she was clean and changed, damp hair hanging on her shoulders, she was greeted with another notification on her laptop. A certain right back was calling her from Germany. She grinned wryly and answered, smiling as Ali’s face came into slightly-pixelated focus. She was smiling with her tongue between her teeth.

“Did you open yours?” Ali asked immediately.

“Hello to you, too,” Ashlyn mumbled in return. Ali only rolled her eyes.

“Come on and open it, Ash. Come on. I believe in you.” Ashlyn sighed and reopened her email account, staring contemplatively at the email.

In the days since camp had ended, Ashlyn and Ali had kept in contact like it was their job. Not a day went by when they weren't texting and they Skyped when they could, a feat that proved to be quite impressive with the time change and added difficulties of Ali’s training schedule. Even when they missed each other, replying to a series of hours-old texts because they had come too early in the morning or too late at night, Ashlyn felt comfort just seeing Ali’s name pop up on her phone.

Ashlyn clicked on it and read as quickly as she could. The letters on the screen blurred together and, trying to mask her frustration, she simply scrolled down to see it there was a travel itinerary attached. She looked up and returned to the Skype call so that she could see Ali’s face.

“I’ve never been to Italy before,” she said and immediately backed away from the laptop as Ali let out an excited scream. “Stop, you’re going to get evicted from your apartment,” Ashlyn laughed. Inside, she was glowing. It wouldn’t be long until they saw each other again. Ashlyn let herself believe that the distance really wouldn’t be hard — that this weird middle place they occupied was just fine.

The tone in Italy was a lot more serious than it had been in Mexico. For one thing, instead of sunny days and the lure of the beach nearby, Padova was cold and dry and, in the morning, there was a layer of fog that made the field look like a wasteland from some dystopian fiction. For another thing, everyone knew that they had to beat Italy — no ifs, ands, or buts about it. And so they put themselves on the grind.

First training was right after everyone had settled in at the hotel. They had a little time to unpack before they all had to be changed and ready to go. Vans were provided to shuttle all the players to the practice field where they disembarked, Ashlyn hopping from one foot to the other as she shuddered against the cold. It was late afternoon and the sun was already fading away. Decked out in sweats, a thermal top, and a hat, she still wasn’t comfortable.

“Aww, are you cold?” Ashlyn glared at Ali out of the corner of her eye. Ali was wearing a long sleeve as well, but she was still in shorts, her socks pulled up to her knees, as was her usual style. “In Germany it gets way colder.”

Despite the cold, and despite her bidding, Ashlyn’s heart stuttered a beat and surged on at an increased rate and all Ali had done was stand there. Still, Ashlyn couldn’t help it that her eyes were drawn to the crinkle in Ali’s nose and the cute way she stood, feet shoulder width apart, one hand gripping the opposite wrist behind her back. In quick succession, her eyes discovered all these little things, and her brain processed them into her memory.

“Well I’m from Florida,” Ashlyn ground out, hoping that the cold had reddened her cheeks enough to hide her reaction to Ali. She started her own warmups as the field was still being set up, needing to get her blood flowing as soon as possible.

Back in the hotel, they had a short break for showers before a team meeting. Pia, Dawn, Paul, and Jill each said their bits, reminding everyone how important the next two games would be — firstly, to get into the World Cup and, secondly, as a chance to assess which players would be going. There was only two more days before the game, and they would have to work hard to be ready for Italy, a team that everyone knew would be coming at them with everything they had.

“Training after that plane ride from hell,” Pinoe groaned. “My body no like-y.”

“You know, I love kids, but I just really wanted to duct tape that one’s mouth shut,” Mittsy said. The others nodded their agreement, vocalizing little “right”s and “mhmm”s.

They had all decided to congregate in the suite room on the floor that had been set aside for watching film and as a place for all the players to relax. A game of Chinese checkers was going on — an intense showdown between Stephanie, Lindsay, and Amy while the strategies of the other players had already ensured their defeat. Alex, Leslie, and Mittsy were all watching some drama with bated breath, and the rest were hanging out on the couches on their phones or talking.

Ali had dragged Ashlyn into a game of rummy earlier, which had then multiplied into an entire tournament (which Ali was crushing at) but, as much as Ashlyn wanted to spend time with Ali, her body was betraying her. She felt another yawn coming on and ducked her head to hide it in the sleeve of her hoodie. Ashlyn caught Ali staring at her, an occurrence that had happened a good handful of times since they’d been reunited in person and something that never failed to make Ashlyn smile.

“What?” she questioned. “Not everyone had a cushy flight from Germany, hardly any time change, no crying babies on their flight.” Ali grinned and stuck her tongue out in response. Her expression dropped soon after, however, and her hands stilled at shuffling the cards.

“Do you…want to go someplace quieter?” she murmured softly, motioning to the door of the suite with her eyes. Ashlyn traced their path with her own and let her gaze fall back on Ali. She looked small, hesitant in that moment.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn agreed. “We could go back to my room and talk?”

Ali nodded and pushed the deck of cards back in the box. Ashlyn wondered if it was the same deck they’d used to build their castle. She stood and offered her hands out to help Ali up. The combined force of Ashlyn pulling and Ali pushing sent Ali hurtling into Ashlyn’s chest. They touched, nearly knocking heads, and Ashlyn let out an anxious breath. Their hands already wrapped in each others’, Ashlyn felt her body tingle with the urge to steady Ali with a touch on her waist, to touch the small of her back, to run her fingers down her arm…

Ali looked up at Ashlyn and let out a breathy laugh as well. She pulled her hands from Ashlyn’s, only to correct her balance with a soft touch to Ashlyn’s stomach. She immediately felt her body tighten. Looking into Ali’s eyes, she could feel that the space between them was charged, like the sky before a thunderstorm. It was something new and exciting and entirely different from their casual game of cards.

Ashlyn needed to be out of that room.

The door shut behind them with a soft click. Ashlyn watched as Ali settled herself on Ashlyn’s bed, resting against the headboard comfortably. Ashlyn sauntered further into the room slowly, and suddenly she was back in Cancun and they were fighting and Ashlyn was trying to understand how someone could go from saying such beautiful things to her to running away in a matter of minutes.

She blinked. The Ali on this bed in this hotel in Italy seemed different. Maybe it was the tension that buzzed between them earlier, maybe it was the air of contentedness that Ali seemed to give off in waves as she looked at Ashlyn. Maybe it was her intuition and the feeling that something entirely different was going to happen this camp.

“I missed seeing you in person,” Ali started.

“It’s been like a week,” Ashlyn replied teasingly. Ali flushed, but she didn’t seem to back down.

“Still,” she insisted. “It’s not the same as talking face-to-face.” She patted the spot next to her on the bed. Ashlyn chose to sit in front of her instead. Ali pulled her legs in to sit criss-cross and Ashlyn did the same. The beach. Hands out, they stared into each others’ eyes. The air was warm and growing ever warmer. Ali leaned in. Warmer.

In the hotel, there were only white sheets and the sound of the heating in the background. Outside, there was a faint whistle of the wind. Ali still stared at her.

“What are you thinking?” Ashlyn said, her voice low.

“Cancun,” Ali replied.

From the way her eyes danced between their mirrored positions, Ashlyn knew that she was picturing the same thing. Ashlyn took note of the changes in her heart rate, the way her body responded to simply thinking about kissing Ali again, and was astounded by how little choice she actually had over what her body did.

Moving closer was instinctual, like her body knew what to do before her brain could even make the decision. Kissing her was more of the same. Her brain lagged behind, picking up pieces and details and savoring them, storing them for later. Ashlyn only felt, and it felt good.

Ashlyn could feel her smiling against her lips, hands skimming along the skin of her neck before burying themselves in her hair. Ali tugged lightly, pulling Ashlyn closer to her. She suspended herself across the gap that had existed between them, hands cupping Ali’s face, reveling in the feel of her soft skin, the way she felt so warm. If she was being entirely honest with herself, Ashlyn couldn’t deny imagining another kiss with Ali Krieger. She couldn’t deny imagining much more than that. But nothing was better than the real thing.

Ali gasped into Ashlyn’s mouth as Ashlyn nipped at her bottom lip. Grinning internally at the sound, Ashlyn ran her tongue over the area to soothe it, sweeping it inside her mouth tentatively to truly taste her. They shared a couple languid, open-mouthed kisses before Ashlyn started to pull away. They bumped noses and touched foreheads and neither released their grips on the other.

Her breathing still heavy, voice low and wanting, Ali asked, “Why did you stop?”

“My legs and abs are burning,” Ashlyn admitted, laughing at herself quietly. Ali joined in as she noticed the stance Ashlyn had had to adopt in order to reach her.

“We can call this extra conditioning, then,” Ali teased. Ashlyn gulped at the sound of her voice like that, utterly entranced. Ali slid her hands down to Ashlyn’s shoulders and tugged her forward. Ashlyn dropped herself on her stomach and rolled over so that she was on her side facing Ali who scooted down so that they were staring into each others’ eyes again.

For a moment, it was peaceful. The pair of them rested their heads on the fluffy pillows, hair mussed, lips red and plump. Ali’s eyes looked darker than before. She bridged the short, short distance between them to run her fingers against Ashlyn’s. Looking down at them, Ashlyn hated to interrupt the peace, but she knew that she had to.

“Did you figure anything out?” she asked, her voice equally low as Ali’s. The defender let out a sigh, her eyes still focused on the way their fingers danced around each other, each light caress sending warmth up Ashlyn’s arm.

“I don’t know who I am…what I am…” Ali said. “But I don’t think that I care. I don’t know what it means, exactly, but I know that I like you, Ashlyn Harris. I care about you so much.”

Ashlyn’s heart pounded furiously.

“I feel the same way,” she replied softly. Ali’s eyes shot up to look at her. “And Ali, I don’t think that you liking me changes who you are. You’re still you.”

The look in her eyes told Ashlyn that Ali didn’t really believe her, but Ashlyn didn’t want to push it just yet. Instead, she reached up to brush a stray piece of hair from Ali’s cheek and rest her hand on the defender’s waist. Her thumb caressed her side lightly.

“So, what does this mean?” Ali asked the real question. “What is this we’re doing?”

“You’re going back to Germany once the Italy games are over.” Ali nodded. “I’m going back to Florida.” She took a deep breath and bit her lip contemplatively.

“There will be other camps,” Ali suggested, “And I’ll come back to the states to visit family.”

“So are we just an ‘in-camp’ thing? Are we just a ‘whenever-we’re-in-the-same-country’ thing?” Ali blushed and looked away.

“I have to admit I don’t like the idea of you seeing anyone else while we’re apart.” That was Ali.

“I have to admit that I agree.” That was Ashlyn. “Just…Ali, if we do this, don’t run from me again, okay?”

“Okay,” Ali said with a smile. “Okay, I promise.”

Ashlyn grinned in return and leaned in to kiss her again. They hadn’t put a name to it — whatever this was — but Ashlyn felt content knowing that they didn’t intend to see anyone but each other. She knew that there were details missing, but the fear of the distance that threatened to separate the two of them melted in her touch and the way her lips moved against Ashlyn’s and the soft little sounds that she drew out of the back of her throat.

“Well damn.”

Ashlyn pulled away from Ali immediately, heart pounding for another reason. Beside her, Ali nearly fell trying to distance herself from Ashlyn. Neither looked at the other, instead sheepishly wiping saliva from their lips and glancing up at the figure of Abby Wambach, still holding the door open. As she pulled out of her stunned stupor, she slammed the door behind her swiftly to provide some more privacy and looked back at the pair.

Ashlyn shifted her startled gaze from Abby back to Ali. Body rigid with tension, Ali stared past Abby, her eyes burning holes in the door. Ashlyn wondered if she really would run again. Her heart sank. Please don’t, Ali, played on loop in Ashlyn’s head, a silent prayer that she wouldn’t be watching Ali run from her yet again.

“Abby, look, this is a new thing and we aren’t looking to get in trouble — ”

“Calm down, Harris,” Abby cut her off with a little smirk. “I won’t turn you in. I just came to get my charger and sweatshirt.” She crossed the room, past Ali who still hadn’t moved a muscle, and Ashlyn, who was fidgeting anxiously. Abby rummaged through her bag, pulling out a tangle of chords and sorting through it with pure concentration written on her face. Finally successful, she draped the chord across her shoulders and pulled out an old grey hoodie.

“Honestly, I’m surprised you bat for our team, Krieger,” Abby commented. “My gaydar must be off.” She turned back towards Ali, laughing a little, but the defender was still stone-faced.

“Hey, you okay?” She reached out to clap a hand on Ali’s shoulder. “Kriegs, you’re fine. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before and Pia really won’t care as long as you guys remain professional on the field.” No response. Abby looked over to meet Ashlyn’s worried gaze. She shrugged.

“Alright, you should get going,” Ashlyn said quietly. She walked with Abby towards the door. “Please don’t mention anything,” she whispered as she and Abby stepped outside. “She…I don’t even know where her head is at anymore,” Ashlyn sighed, shaking her head.

“You and me are having a serious talk tonight,” Abby promised.

When Ashlyn stepped back into the room, shutting the door softly behind her, Ali was still standing there. Ashlyn took a deep breath and walked towards her slowly, carefully, as though she was a cornered wild animal. She reached out a hand and caressed Ali’s forearm, running her thumb down the stylized script. Love. When Ali moved to clasp her hand with Ashlyn’s, she felt like she could finally take a deep breath again.

“I’m sorry that happened,” Ashlyn said.

“It’s not your fault,” Ali replied. “I just…wasn’t ready for anyone to…” She blushed. “I know people know — Whitney, HAO — but I guess I’m not ready for something like that.”

“No one is,” Ashlyn replied with an encouraging smile. “Have you ever wanted to be walked-in on?” That got Ali to smile a little. It was just a little smirk.

“No,” she said. She was looking straight at Ashlyn again, meeting her eyes. Ashlyn could visibly see the muscles in her body relaxing. Ali took a step closer and let their bodies brush one another faintly before she leaned in to rest against Ashlyn’s side. Ashlyn eagerly reached out to pull her even closer, resting her head on Ali’s.

“You know the one good thing that came out of this?” Ashlyn asked. Ali’s reply was murmured into Ashlyn’s shirt. She could feel the rumble of the interrogative in her chest. “Abby knows to ask before entering now.”

Ashlyn kissed Ali goodnight softly as it neared curfew time. They’d spent the past couple hours simply cuddling together on Ashlyn’s bed watching whatever was on TV (Ali stopped flipping channels at a real crime show, to Ashlyn’s surprise, but what it lacked in romantic vibe, it made up with in intrigue). In between voicing their complex (and in Ashlyn’s case downright harebrained) hypotheses about the cases, they would lean over to press a kiss to a temple or cheek or run a hand down a side, happy to just be there and touch and surreptitiously search for each other’s ticklish spots.

Neither of them really wanted to separate. Ali groaned as she forced herself up and out from under the covers, her hair beautifully mussed and her eyes drooping with sleepiness.

“I was so warm and comfy,” she had pouted cutely. Ashlyn had laughed and rewarded her adorableness with a tender kiss.

Laying back on her bed again, feeling small and lost without Ali’s presence to warm her, Ashlyn looked up as the door to the room opened again. In walked Abby, who made quite the show of looking around from behind her hands before walking in. It didn’t take long for Abby to get ready for bed and, once the star forward was comfortably tucked under the covers, it didn’t take long for the questions to begin either.

“Alright, talk to me, Harris,” she said seriously, propping herself up on her elbow. Ashlyn turned on her side as well, tucking the pillow Ali had used under her arm. It smelled faintly like her shampoo. “When did this all start?”

“Cancun,” Ashlyn said. “We were flirting from the beginning. Well, I was. She was too, but I don’t know if she meant to. Anyway, we were on the beach Halloween night and she kissed me, ran for it, and we didn’t talk for a few days, only made up just before camp ended.”

“Straight girls,” Abby commented, rolling her eyes. Normally, Ashlyn would’ve agreed wholeheartedly. She had quite the collection of ‘straight girl’ jokes saved up for moments like this one, but she didn’t feel like joking around.

“I don’t know, Abby,” Ashlyn said. “Ali hasn’t explained everything she’s thinking and feeling to me, but I’m worried she doesn’t like herself right now. She told me she’s attracted to me, but I don’t think she’s comfortable with that yet.”

“I guess you have to be patient,” Abby said. “I mean, she’s going through all the confusing puberty-age stuff except just right now.” Ashlyn made a face, thinking back to her high school days — ages of keeping her head down in the locker room for fear of giving herself away with a lingering look, ages of skirts and nail polish, and even a fancy prom dress and crown.

“I just hope she can learn to accept this part of her,” Ashlyn says. “When we were just here, hanging out, she seemed fine, but mention anything about actually being attracted to girls and she shuts down.”

“Help her accept herself,” Abby said. “If you care about her, help her care about herself too.”

Travel days with the whole team were a mix of disorganization, hilarity, annoyance, and just a dash of chaos. Luggage was hauled down the team’s floor and piled into elevators along with as many players as could fit. Pinoe commented off-handedly that they may have been surpassing weight restrictions as the elevator groaned and Ali groaned as well, shutting her eyes tightly.

“Don’t say that, Pinoe! I’m already freaking out.” Ashlyn shuffled closer to her as best she could amongst all the bags.

“You okay?” she murmured.

“Elevators freak me out, especially when they make — ” The elevator came to a stop with a little jolt and a harsh groan. “Noise,” Ali finished with a squeak. Ashlyn wished she could pull Ali into her arms, but decided against it in the presence of so many of their teammates.

“Well, we made it out anyway, Princess,” Ashlyn commented. Ali opened her eyes, only to shoot Ashlyn the stink-eye, picking up her bags and high-tailing it out of the horrible metal box.

With the last-minute, definitely unplanned trip to Italy, their plane tickets were spread out across the economy class seating. A handful in the front, a handful in the back, random pairs and rows of seats in the middle. And the ticket assignments were entirely randomized. Ashlyn ended up being directed towards the back of the plane along with Becky and Amy before she could even think to trade for a ticket nearer Ali. She’d had a dream of sorts of falling asleep next to her as they watched an in-flight movie together, sharing one set of headphones. That was all foiled now, though.

As Ashlyn reached up to stow her carry-on in the overhead compartment, she heard Abby calling out to her.

“Harris,” she said. “You’re heading up there.” She motioned a thumb to the section behind her and handed a ticket to Ashlyn. Confused, Ashlyn simply stared. “You owe me,” Abby said with a wink, pulling Ashlyn’s bag down for her and stuffing it in her hands.

“Thanks, Abby,” Ashlyn said, and headed back up the aisle. Ali was sitting about twenty rows in front of Ashlyn’s old seat, staring out the window at all the action on the tarmac.

“Mind if I sit here?” Ashlyn asked. Ali turned and grinned at her. “Abby gave me this,” Ashlyn explained, flashing the new ticket.

“I might have hinted that I had wanted a cuddle buddy for this flight,” Ali laughed. “Abby’s face was priceless. She was like ‘umm, I’d better get Ash for you, then’.” Ashlyn laughed as well, sliding into the aisle seat.

The flight was a nice little reprieve from the world. Ali pulled out the complementary blanket from the package stuffed in the pouch in front of her and spread it out over the both of them. They lifted the armrest up and scooted closer to one another. Ali put on a movie on the screen in front of her seat and Ashlyn leaned over a little to watch. Their shoulders touched and she was gripping Ali’s hand lightly under the blanket so no one could see. There, they were anonymous — isolated as they were from the other players. She supposed that maybe some dreams could come true.

Next thing Ashlyn knew, she was being nudged awake by Ali. She fought with the blanket a little in her drowsy haze, eventually extricating her arms so that she could rub the sleep from her eyes.

“What’s up?” she asked, her voice husky with disuse. The lights were all off on the plane but around them passengers had started to push up the window coverings to reveal dark sky and bright specks of lights.

“We’re starting to land, silly,” Ali said, pulling the blanket off the both of them and folding it up somewhat messily. She pushed the armrest back in place and clicked her seatbelt together as Ashlyn did the same. They looked at each other, hands to themselves.

Though Ashlyn didn’t believe in fortune-telling or premonitions, she decided she might have to change her mind after the night before Thanksgiving.

The sky had been a clear light blue, brushed even lighter by the rays of the sun. Below her, the water was warm as it lapped against the board. The back and forth motion as she drifted on the little waves out past the breakers relaxed her. She rested her cheek against the board and breathed in deeply, the scent of salty ocean brine flooding her nostrils. It was peaceful.

As Ashlyn drifted, however, she could hear off in the distance the sound of a voice. Unclear but loud, it was shouting something. She raised her head to see a girl on the beach, dark hair blowing back behind her as she waved her arms frantically at Ashlyn. Still, she couldn’t understand what the girl was shouting. Ashlyn stared hard at her, trying to see her face, but she simply couldn’t.

Then, from just under her, she could hear the start of a rumble. Her eyes jumped down to see the water dancing below her board. She was carried back and forth strongly with the rising waves. Ashlyn could feel her heart beating faster. In the distance, the girl was still yelling. Ashlyn fought to turn the nose of the surfboard towards the shore and began to paddle.

Arms burning from the effort, she seemed to be making less and less ground with each stroke. She was breathing harder now, the water stinging with each gasping breath. She felt something close around her ankle and finally looked back to see a giant wave looming over her. As she stared, awed, at the wall of water that was sucking her in, she felt the front of her board dip down. Nearly vertical, she was thrown off as the wall of water moved forward, forward, eclipsing the sun and never stopping. She was beaten down under the weight and relentless power.

Ashlyn’s first thought was to remain calm, right herself, surface. But the force of the water caused her to turn head over heels as she was pushed towards the shore. Her board, attached still to her ankle pulled and tugged and was thrown back around to smack her in the side. She could no longer tell up from down and the water grew so dark she didn’t think she ever could again.

Her lungs were burning, crying out for oxygen, but she was stuck, buried in the push and pull of the ocean. She was at its mercy entirely. Ashlyn let out a cry at the pain in her chest, the ache for oxygen that pulsed throughout her body. And as the sea water flooded her lungs, she burned.

Ashlyn awoke with a gasp, shaking and disoriented. The light from the window beside her bed streamed in strongly, muted only by the cream curtains pulled over it. Looking around, she saw that she was in the same hotel room as the previous night, though it was even more cluttered. In the bed nearest the door, Pinoe was bundled up snugly under the comforter, only her head and wide-open mouth showing. Heart still pounding, Ashlyn flopped back down on the pillows and fluttered her eyes shut again.

The phone call came later.

Ashlyn was used to spending Thanksgiving away from her family. She hardly ever had soccer commitments during the holiday, but she didn’t come home anyway, making up some excuse or another. She just didn’t want to see how broken everything was. Likewise, the family was quite used to celebrating without her there. That was how it went. So when Ashlyn saw the ID listed on her phone, she swallowed thickly, her finger poised over the accept button before she hurriedly hit decline and tossed her phone back onto her bed.

“What is it?”

“Hmm?” Ashlyn had been staring at the phone like it was a wild animal, cornered and ready to attack. She looked up to see Ali staring at her with a puzzled, worried expression. They had been enjoying some free time in Ashlyn’s room with just the two of them. Nothing much happened because it was still camp, but Ashlyn simply enjoyed sharing the same space as Ali.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Ash,” she said. “I’m not kidding. Your face is pale.” Ashlyn turned away, but couldn’t stop her hands from flying to her cheeks. She ran them down her face as though she might will the color to return.

She could see the rise of the wave in front of her, encroaching on the sunlight. She shuddered, not wanting to feel its pull as it dragged her down. Her past was threatening to come for her and bring her back down to a place she would never be able to rise up from again.

“Ashlyn,” Ali persisted. Ashlyn could tell she had taken a couple steps closer, that she was only an arm’s length away. “Ash, who called?”

“My mom,” she said quietly. There was a beat of silence.

Then, “Well, that’s good, isn’t it? That means she wants to reconnect. It is Thanksgiving, after all.”

“I don’t want to reconnect, Al,” Ashlyn replied bitterly, not caring how much she sounded like a petulant child. “I don’t need that in my life.”

“What happened, Ash?” Ali’s voice was soft, hesitant. She felt a hand on her back, small and warm. It ran up her shoulder blade and stopped near her neck. Ashlyn turned and Ali enveloped her in a hug. “I want to support you, but I don’t even know what this story is. You keep avoiding it.”

“It’s not a pretty story, Ali.”

“Do you think I care? Ashlyn, I’ve been through this with my brother. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not, because I’m not like you, Ali! I grew up in a house where my parents were constantly fighting, they were working day and night to make enough so that we could keep the house and even then we survived on food stamps half the time. But I guess the stress and depression got them, there was a really ugly divorce, and that’s when my mother became an alcoholic and my brother just…lost control…” Ashlyn took a deep breath and ran her hands over her face. “He was my protector at home, my rock, and he just…it was like I didn’t know him anymore.”

“Ashlyn…” Ali murmured. Ashlyn turned away from her.

“And I just had to get out. I had to leave everyone and everything, and so I did…and I never went back.”

She could feel Ali’s eyes burning into her back, but she couldn’t bring herself to face Ali. She suspected what Ali would have to say: call your mom, give her another chance, it’s Thanksgiving for God’s sake. Ashlyn didn’t have it in her to listen.

The phone rang again and they both could see clearly who it was.

“Answer it, Ashlyn,” Ali pressed. “I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.”

Ashlyn stared at the phone for a long moment, listening as she heard Ali turn, walk across the room, and shut the door behind her. She stared and stared as the ringing kept coming, a sound that echoed in her ears like the raging of the water in her dream, and made a difficult choice.

“Another year away from home,” Pinoe crooned, strumming her little guitar. “Away from home on Thanksgiving…”

“Way to get everyone even more depressed,” Amy commented. “Team Thanksgivings are never as good as the real thing.”

“Hold on, hold on,” Lori said, raising her hands. “We’ve got just about every kind of drunk you could hope for in one space. What could get better than that?”

“Lori makes a good point,” HAO agreed. “Mittsy’s the Vodka Aunt, Pinoe’s the crazy drunk, Abby crushes any sort of ‘old man’ drink like it’s her job, and we’ve got a whole slew of wine moms.” She threw a thumb to Christie and Shannon. “Then you’ve got Ashlyn, who has the tastes of a college frat boy,” she added with a teasing grin.

Ashlyn glared at her from where she was sitting, Ali next to her, her arm thrown across the back of the couch. They were nearly touching.

“Ooh, watch out, Kriegs is a serial frat boy dater,” Mittsy laughed. Ashlyn’s eyes widened and she felt warmth seep into her cheeks. Ali whipped her head around to look at her and then the arm Ashlyn had slung across the couch. Ashlyn watched her to see how she should react. Relief flooded her as Ali began to laugh easily.

“That was like twice,” Ali defended. “I’d hardly call that a pattern.” She glanced over at Ashlyn again. Her eyes lit up and Ashlyn knew they were thinking the same thing: but three might be.

“Too bad we can’t actually experience everyone drunk tonight,” Leslie grumbled.

Strictly going against their diets, the team had ordered in pizza for Thanksgiving as a bit of a treat. The greasy, cheesy slices only served to highlight how different this Thanksgiving was compared to the ones spent with family, but the treat was nice anyway. After a quick prayer, they dug in, opting to share what they were thankful for as they stuffed their mouths with the hot pizza.

“Alex’s super clutch goal,” Abby started as they went around. Everyone laughed and shouted praise at Alex, who blushed bright red and did a little bow for everyone. With their first game under their belts as a win, the tension amongst the players had relaxed greatly. Though it had been a hard fight, they rode high on the win, hoping the momentum would continue for the next one.

Ashlyn didn’t suit up for the game in Illinois either, but she was still there on the bench to cheer on the team. Down at the other end, Jill Loyden sat in her goalkeeping kit, though it was likely she wouldn’t see time either. Ashlyn tried not to let it get to her, but she couldn’t help feeling a little lost. She was still an outsider looking in and she didn’t know how much longer she could be there playing fourth fiddle, training with the team and never even seeing a kit with her name on the back.

She tried to put it out of her mind as best she could, joking around with the other players on the bench and cheering loudly for their team (especially Ali, who had gotten the start at right back). And Ali made it easy to cheer for her. She was clearly on her game as she made hard tackles, charged up and down the right flank, and sent balls across the front of the goal. She was pulled out around the 60th minute after a couple not-so-good crosses, slapping Mittsy’s butt as she ran onto the field for her.

Ali sat down next to Ashlyn heavily, squirting water into her mouth from one of the US Soccer bottles. With their one-goal lead, courtesy of A-Rod, they had some insurance, but the fight was still going on hard with half an hour to go.

“Should I be jealous?” Ashlyn whispered to Ali as she drank some more water, referring to Mittsy. Ali choked a little and coughed hard to get the water to go down properly. As she recovered she sent Ashlyn a look. Ashlyn grinned back at her cheekily.