Human Disaster
james.madisin: hey alex
hamil.lion: hey jem whatre u doin up still ur sick u need rest
james.madisin: thomas just came home and he wont tell me about the concert but he seems angry abt something i wanted to ask u what happened
hamil.lion: why should it bother me that ur meninist boyfriend is upset
james.madisin: it doesnt have to bother you but it bothers me a lot because im in love with him and im just asking if you know what upset him
hamil.lion: no i dont know what couldve possibly upset ur precious boyfriend
james.madisin: christ what happened
james.madisin: could the two of you not shut up for long enough to enjoy a fun thing did you have to ruin it for yourselves
james.madisin: cant you just learn to get along and not act like CHILDREN all the time
hamil.lion: why does it even matter whether i get along w the macaroni fucker or not
loafayette: damn ok somethin definitely went down
james.madisin: because youre both colossal assholes who i care very deeply about
corsetz28: aight who upset my boyfriend
corsetz28: im v tired but he is v small and i love him v much so i will absolutely fight someone on his behalf
corsetz28: aw he just read tht n said “im not small i can fight u anytime square up u big nerd” hes so cute
corsetz28: anyways really who upset my small cute precious boyfriend
james.madisin: it may have been me?
corsetz28: nah he says its not you
james.madisin: really? what did he say?
corsetz28: “nah its not jem i like him too much for him to piss me off. its not the macaroni fucker either so dont ask. shut up and let me sleep”
james.madisin: you didnt need to add that last part in
corsetz28: ik but hes being RUDE
corsetz28: hes so cute tho i love him so much
loafayette: herc ur gross
corsetz28: he says he loves you too laf
loafayette: aw rlly?
corsetz28: no he whined @ me to be quiet but im sure thats what he meant
corsetz28: damn for someone who wants me to be quiet so he can sleep he sure isnt doing well at keeping his own mouth shut
james.madisin: whatd he say?
corsetz28: mostly its nonsense but he did just ask me to tell u that he has ur concert shirt and u can come by and get it whenever
james.madisin: ah okay
james.madisin: does whenever include right now?
corsetz28: hi yes it does thats fine -i just took hercs phone and hes glaring at me
corsetz28: also while i have his phone i would like to point out that im not small and i could definitely beat up someone like charles lee in a fight
corsetz28: or ur macaroni fucker
corsetz28: and we r back to our regularly scheduled programming sorry about my dumb boyfriend
hamil.lion: u cant silence me!!!!
corsetz28: come back and lay with me jerk
hamil.lion: nah im not tired anymore
corsetz28: but ur so c u t e when ur tired
hamil.lion: im so cute always
corsetz28: thats true
corsetz28: please come back and lay with me
hamil.lion: no i cant jem is coming by to get his shirt i cant be ASLEEP
hamil.lion: and anyways IM NOT W E A K
corsetz28: ):
hamil.lion: im sorry ily
corsetz28: i loovveee youuu tooo
loafayette: ew
corsetz28: wow ok i see how it is
corsetz28: alex laf doesnt love us anymore
hamil.lion: :’(
hamil.lion: but who will love me now
@hamil.lion has added @a.burr to the chat
hamil.lion: hey aaron do u love me
a.burr: wow this feels like a trick question
loafayette: herc u know thats not true ofc i love u n alex
corsetz28: rlly? r u sure u havent been spending so much time with adrienne bc ur tryna replace us
loafayette: herc do u actually believe that of course not i love you so much!!!!
loafayette: adrienne is my best friend but she could never replace you or mon trésor
loafayette: or mon ange or mon amour
corsetz28: i was kidding aw cmon ily
loafayette: anyways adrienne is mad at me ):
hamil.lion: aw bby whatd you do
loafayette: nothing recently she just found out some stuff i did back when we were dating?
hamil.lion: aw bby whatd past you do
loafayette: agláe
loafayette: and diane
corsetz28: what
hamil.lion: l a f
a.burr: what oh my god
loafayette: I MADE A MISTAKE OK
loafayette: i just happened to make that mistake twice, with two very beautiful women
james.madisin: is this a bad time to say that im right outside your dorm alex
hamil.lion: not at all! thanks for not knocking i dont need john adams bitching to me about being kept up tbh
james.madisin: of course
corsetz28: anyways continue spilling your mistakes laf
loafayette: wow im so glad i have ur sympathy
loafayette: ur such a great datemate
corsetz28: yes but apparently u were not that to adrienne
corsetz28: spill
corsetz28: is she just finding out now that you cheated on her while you were dating her?
loafayette: nono she knew that i cheated on her both times i told her almost immediately after it happened and she forgave me (even though i really didnt deserve it)
loafayette: she just didnt know who with?
corsetz28: so whats so bad abt agláe n diane
loafayette: agláe may or may not be??? her ex???
corsetz28: L A F
loafayette: I MADE A MISTAKE OK
hamil.lion: ok she has every right to be mad at u ok
loafayette: i mean u right
corsetz28: bahaha u fucked up buddy
loafayette: shut uppp
hamil.lion: cmon gerc give em a break
corsetz28: i mean ur not the only one who makes terrible horrible no good very bad mistakes
corsetz28: #throwback to the reynolds pamphlet
hamil.lion: listen ok why dont we talk abt something else
corsetz28: sure has anyone else had a juicy affair can we talk about that
a.burr: no
hamil.lion: wow oh rlly?
a.burr: really.
@hamil.lion has added @dear.theo to the chat
hamil.lion: hey theo remember when u were engaged to that guy who wasnt aaron and also dating aaron at the same time
@dear.theo has left the chat
@hamil.lion has added @dear.theo to the chat
dear.theo: listen
a.burr: DONT
dear.theo: l i s t en
dear.theo: i dont know what youre t a l k i ng about
hamil.lion: so the name jack doesnt ring a bell?
@dear.theo has left the chat
@hamil.lion has added @dear.theo to the chat
a.burr: why this
dear.theo: can we drop it?
hamil.lion: yeah sure
hamil.lion: but only if u tell us more abt our dear aaron
a.burr: s t o p
a.burr: why do you want to make me suffer in this way
hamil.lion: bc ur cute when ur suffering
a.burr: LET IT GO
intothenarrative: stay alive for me
a.burr: what
intothenarrative: what
hamil.lion: ELIZA YOURE AWAKE <3
intothenarrative: yeah my “alex needs to chill” senses were tingling so i woke up and checked the chat
dear.theo: (are we freed?)
hamil.lion: liza we’re just talking ok
a.burr: your boyfriend is bullying me and/or hitting on me im not rlly sure
intothenarrative: ALEX
hamil.lion: what? it wouldnt be his first affair w/ a partner already romantically involved in another party
dear.theo: (we are not freed)
intothenarrative: where do u have room to talk alex
intothenarrative: hi, me and maria? the kittys?
a.burr: the kittys?
hamil.lion: kitty livingston and kitty sterling
hamil.lion: aka my first encounter with liking two people at the same time
a.burr: were they your first poly relationship?
hamil.lion: oh no this wasnt polyamory i douched it up and juggled two girlfriends named kitty for like a year
a.burr: wow
hamil.lion: yeah ik what an asshole
hamil.lion: anyways now you know more about me isnt that exciting TELL ME ABOUT YOU
a.burr: why do you wanna know so bad i?
hamil.lion: ???????!!!!
dear.theo: one time he accidentally set himself on fire
a.burr: THEO
a.burr: WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT
dear.theo: actually hes done it three times
a.burr: T H E O
dear.theo: its only fair for anyone interested in you to know that you are a human disaster
a.burr: this is bullying im leaving i dont believe this
hamil.lion: dont go!
hamil.lion: ):
dear.theo: also one time he spent like $600 on a coconut
hamil.lion: holy fuck
a.burr: THEO PLEASE I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME
dear.theo: because although you are my best friend you are literally a human mess
hamil.lion: tell me more tell me more
hamil.lion: like did he have a car
a.burr: this is it
a.burr: this is how i end
a.burr: not with a bang but with literally soul-destroying embarrassment
hamil.lion: well its a good thing it’s not a bang you might set yourself on fire again
@a.burr has left the chat