Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time

Much to Dipper’s dismay, Bill took to going to Dipper for his confusing human functions. Only the second day of Bill’s arrival he found Dipper multiple times throughout the day.

“Pine Tree, air keeps escaping me,” a pause to hiccup. “In an odd fashion that isn't breathing. Can I levitate this way?”

“No. Hiccups don't stop the laws of gravity.”

And after a loud sneeze from the living room where Stan had Bill dusting (something they never actually did, he just wanted the tall boy to be quiet), the demon once again came to find the human boy in the kitchen where he was reading, “Pine Tree I think my true form is trying to break free out of my ugly human face.”

“It's called a sneeze,” Dipper rolled his eyes, gathering his book and once again leaving Bill on his own.

Finally around noon, Bill found Dipper in his room to announce the rumbling that was happening in his stomach and throat. Of course the stupid demon wouldn't even know what hunger was. Dipper had wanted to ignore him, but Bill kept repeating it like Dipper couldn't hear him.

So Dipper sent him off to Mabel to make macaroni and cheese. As Dipper sat at the table to eat as well, Bill slid into the chair next to him. Dipper scooted away in discomfort, and Bill continued to scoot closer.

“Bill,” Dipper warned. “Humans have a thing called personal space.”

“I know, Pine Tree,” Bill smirked. “I just know me getting in yours irritates you. And I like irritating you.”

“Go to hell.”

“Too boring,” Bill flicked the bill of Dipper’s hat, and Dipper was about to punch the boy when two bowls were placed directly in front of them both.

“Alrightio!” Mabel declared. “Bon Apetit!”

She placed Ford and Stan’s bowls in the oven to keep them warm, and then she sat down at the table with Bill and her twin, handing them both plastic forks. Dipper and she both started eating immediately, but Bill watched them in confusion.

He picked up his fork, Dipper noticed, but he picked it up the wrong direction.

“Oh,” Mabel must have noticed as well, because she craned her arm across the table and fixed the utensil. “Like this. That's how you use a-”

Bill immediately stabbed the table next to Dipper’s arm, making Dipper shriek as the plastic shattered all over the table. Bill cackled.

“Okay!” Mabel bellowed, snatching the rest of the broken plastic from Bill’s hand. “You get a spoon from now on.”

“You mean that's not how you use them?” Bill asked innocently. Dipper picked up his food and his chair with a scowl and moved over to sit by Mabel while Mabel directed Bill on how to eat with his spoon.

Once Bill was successfully eating the food, Mabel praised him, “See? You can be civilized.”

“This shit is interesting on my human tongue, too,” Bill spoke with his mouth full.

“That means it tastes good,” Mabel told Bill before she stage-whispered to Dipper. “Table manners is what we’ll learn next.”

Dipper had to stand and walk past Bill to clean his empty bowl, and he gasped as Bill grabbed his arm and licked a wet stripe up Dipper’s arm.

“That's disgusting, Bill!” Dipper yelled.

Bill only laughed of course, “Pine Tree tastes good, too!”

Due to the fact that Bill was out to annoy the shit out of Dipper, for the next two weeks Dipper avoided Bill like the plague. Ford and Stan hardly let the demon out of their sight during the day. If Stan wasn't downstairs in the lab trying to get Bill’s memories stirred up (without using a gadget, because who knew what Bill’s mind would be capable of doing with the help of Ford’s technology) then Stan had Bill doing the hard labor in the gift shop.

Dipper usually gave tours, as he loved the history of Gravity Falls, Mabel and Wendy worked the register and sales as both were extremely good entrepreneurs, and Soos was the handyman that fixed whatever would break. The only job left for Bill, one that Grunkle Stan enforced onto the stubborn demon, was to carry in the heavy boxes and stands. Of course Bill was still Bill, and half the time he spent trying to bother everyone else if Stan wasn't around.

The first day the shack opened back up, Dipper pulled Wendy and Soos aside to tell them what they were in for.

“Run while you can,” Dipper had offered. “Bill Cipher is back and he's being all…not murderous. But I'm not cutting him any slack so just watch out, yeah? Ford and Stan pretty much have him closely watched, but it's Bill.”

Dipper still admired Wendy, and he was certain he could still be in love with her. If she ever returned the feelings he would jump at the opportunity in a heartbeat. Dipper’s admiration only grew when she shrugged, “Eh, I leave again for college in the fall anyway. Might as well kick Cipher’s ass one more time.”

“Dude, he's threatening and all but we beat him before and we can beat him again if we need to,” Soos shrugged.

Regardless, Dipper filled them in on the news Bill had brought. But it was Gravity Falls, they'd been through it before, and Wendy and Soos seemed unfazed.

They basically ignored Bill, but Bill didn't mind because he ignored them as well. Except for Wendy. Bill seemed to make it his sole mission to annoy the hell out of Wendy if Dipper wasn't available. However, his annoying her almost seemed as if he wanted to scare her off rather than him just wanting to pester her.

He would put dead mice in her cash drawer, he’d hand her boxes which just so happened to have snakes in them, anything he could do to scare her. Unfortunately for Bill, Wendy wasn't easily scared. She'd simply toss away the creatures and carry on with what she was doing, and Bill would be left scowling in defeat.

If he wasn't annoying Wendy, he was continuing with his learning of simple human things from Mabel. Ford and Stan frequently threatened to physically harm Bill, but Mabel remained her patient self. Or of course, Bill was making it his mission to follow Dipper around.

Despite Dipper trying to avoid Bill, Bill certainly didn't try to avoid Dipper. After the two weeks of Dipper avoiding Bill, the demon-human finally ended up sneaking into a tour group (how, Dipper didn't know. Bill was freakishly taller than most everyone) and he made his way to the front with Dipper, announcing, “Here's the spot where I gave Dipper his first screaming head!”

Bill was charming enough that the crowd ‘ooh’d, and Dipper covered his face with his hand, “You can't- that was the worst way to phrase something like that.”

Bill simply stood proudly in his clothes that were far too baggy on him (Mabel was supposed to be taking him clothes shopping) and gestured enthusiastically to the forest path, throwing an arm around Dipper’s shoulders. Dipper tried to shrug away, but Bill had a latching grip.

“Ouch, you asshole,” Dipper hissed as Bill’s fingers clung tight.

Bill released him at his noise of pain, chuckling, “Pains fun, why are you whining?”

Dipper simply shoved Bill away from him and continued the tour before he lost his patience. But once Bill had earned the attention of the crowd once, he strove to do it again and again. He shared things only Bill Cipher would know.

“This was the first tree ever to grow in this forest! It was once inhabited by fairies.”

Once they'd returned to the Mystery Shack and the crowd departed, Bill continued to follow Dipper. At that point Dipper was already so fed up with the tall and lanky demon lingering behind him that he was prepared to pull Stan’s trick and knock Bill out cold.

“I should come with you on those adventures more often!” Bill declared. “We sure can entertain, eh Pine Tree? If only I could still access magic.”

“No, you need to stay where Stan tells you and stop annoying me.”

However, Stan came marching up to them as they entered the shack, clapping Bill on the shoulder, “Guess what Bill Shiter, your new job is to help Dipper give tours! The tourists actually tipped saying you were charming and handsome.”

Dipper balked, “Grunkle Stan, no!”

“Until Ford can get Bill’s memory resurfacing we might as well make some money off of him,” Stan shrugged. “Ford is certain as well that Bill can't access magic, so he's practically human. He can only hurt you with his own body, and it's nothing I couldn't do to you.”

Dipper sulked, but there was no arguing with his Grunkle, “Fine, but I'm not going to worry about scaring tourists if it comes to me having to push him into a ravine.”

“Go for it,” Stan called over his shoulder as he walked off.

Dipper walked away groaning with Bill on his heels grinning smugly.

x

Pine Tree’s annoyed face was one of Bill’s favorite things. It brought him the utmost joy to see the scowl Pine Tree would wear when Bill did what Bill did best. Scaring him, annoying him, and embarrassing him is what Bill stood for.

To make things better, there was a plethora of new human things Bill was experiencing that he loved to annoy Pine Tree with. Of course, Pine Tree generally just ran to Shooting Star for help.

Bill found himself gaining quite the respect for Shooting Star. She was everything Bill wasn't, sweet and helpful, but she seemed to create a soft spot in the hearts of everyone around her and therefore could usually get them to do whatever she wanted. Bill admired that.

He also loved that when Shooting Star was finally taking Bill what she called “clothes shopping” (because apparently his suit, cane, and top hat weren't good enough for her) she talked Pine Tree into coming with them.

“I'm a girl, Dipper,” she insisted. “I don't want to see Bill half naked, but I know he's Bill and he's going to need help trying stuff on.”

So Bill ended up in the back of the Pine Tree’s car, picking up anything he could find. He picked up a shiny circular object, lifting it up and examining it, “BABA? I’ve never heard of that human word.”

“It isn't a word, it's Dipper’s favorite music artist!” Shooting Star whipped around in her seat and thrusted her hands out for the silver object. “Let's listen to some Disco Girl, eh Dipper?”

“No!” Pine Tree bellowed. “Mabel don't you dare.”

Bill sensed that this was something to fluster the boy in the blue vest, so he quickly handed over the circular thing to Shooting Star. She took pity on her brother, however, and tucked the circular object away. Bill pouted the rest of the way to their destination.

And yet once they arrived, Bill quickly learned that he did not at all like to clothing shop. Annoying humans were everywhere, and according to Pine Tree and Shooting Star, hitting them wasn't allowed.

“Stanley hits me all the time!” Bill tried reasoning.

“That's because he knows you and you deserve it,” Pine Tree stopped Bill from grabbing a shirt from a passing person’s arms.

However, Shooting Star returned pushing something black and plastic on wheels. Bill had seen this before. Babies, the tiny humans, rode around in it. Before the mystery twins could protest, Bill was using his long legs to his advantage and pushing himself butt first into the cart.

“At least it keeps him from hurting people,” Shooting Star soothed Pine Tree (his cheeks were flaming red to Bill’s enjoyment).

Shooting Star grabbed lots of clothes, showing them to Bill before she would place them on top of him. In his mind, all he needed was a bow tie (but according to the girl nudity was a thing human’s frowned upon). Pine Tree trailed along, suggesting sizes to Shooting Star.

“Tall and skinny as fuck,” the boy noted, directing Mabel to a different section of clothes. “He needs underwear and shoes, too. I'm not helping him figure out his size for those.”

“Stanford’s do not fit,” Bill informed. “They're too short and too loose on my ass.”

“Those are actually Dipper’s that I've been giving you,” Shooting Star admitted, and Pine Tree slapped his hands over his face.

“Wow, thanks, sis.”

“Sorry, Bro-Bro. At least we know roughly what he needs now.”

Pine Tree helped out a lot, surprisingly. He even stood directly outside the changing room to make sure Bill didn't need assistance. He’d been sliding the human limbs into Stanford’s clothes enough that it was growing easy for him.

But there was something that Shooting Star had called ‘jeans’. They were clingy and had some strange front that formed a v and exposed his under garments. Pine Tree described to him how to pull up the zipper (he’d used zippers before!) and how to get his ‘button’ through the the small hole. His hands were clumsy at that, and Dipper quickly buttoned the pants for him, his face flaming red in embarrassment. It closed the gap, however, and Bill decided that clothes shopping wasn't terrible. The jeans Mabel chose for him were black, too. So he approved.

After the jeans ordeal Bill still had several items to try on. Most of the clothes fit well though, and if they didn't Bill would toss them out at Dipper with a, “Nope!”

When he'd tried everything on, he dumped the clothes he was keeping back into their shopping helper that Shooting Star had called a ‘cart’.

“Do you like them?” the wide eyed girl asked hopefully.

“Sure, Shooting Star,” Bill looked at the clothing he had as well as a large pair of shoes Pine Tree had since placed in the cart. “But you know what I really want? Another top hat and cane. A bow tie, too.”

“You know you're not a triangle, right?” Pine Tree lifted his eyebrows, but they led Bill to his desired objects.

They only let him get one of each item, which was ridiculous to Bill considering how many other clothes they were getting him. He was already pouting as it was because Pine Tree wouldn't let him get back in the cart. Bill used it to his advantage and tried to tug at the small (and kind of cute in a way that Bill couldn't seem to comprehend, a strange feeling he never felt) curls that stuck out from under the white and blue hat.

“I think we’re done finally!” Shooting Star announced. “Let's go check out.”

Bill wasn't sure who or what they were “checking out”, but he waltzed along behind them waggling his eyebrows at people who looked at his eyepatch weirdly.

He was about to ask Pine Tree about some interesting hats they had passed (the boy and he seemed to share an interest in wearing hats) when a woman rounded a corner too quickly and collided with Pine Tree.

Since Bill was already behind the falling boy, it was easy to catch him and steady him. Only why the hell had he done that, since when did he care about the safety of Dipper Pines?

“Sorry-” Pine Tree tried.

“Watch where you're going, idiot,” the woman brushed at her brunette hair snottily. She wore pearls and a blue dress, something that didn't impress Bill in the slightest.

He felt a flare of anger as Pine Tree seemed to be about to object, but simply looked down at his shoes instead. There was no way in the slightest Dipper was at fault. Even Shooting Star seemed angry.

Bill grabbed the elbow of the woman before she could stomp off, “Who exactly do you think you are?”

“I'm Priscilla Northwest and you're going to let go of me immediately, you filthy brat,” the woman tried to shake free, but Bill narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth. “This piece of idiot trash should have watched where he was going.”

Pure rage bubbled up in Bill. Only he was allowed to call Pine Tree an idiot. He was certain his head was about to explode with the fury he felt.

“If I'm not mistaken, he apologized to you. You're going to do the same for nearly knocking him over, or I'm going to rip the pearls from your neck and use their string to pull your teeth out one by one,” Bill snarled as his face burned.

Pine Tree and Shooting Star didn't appear like they were about to stop him, but instead had shrank back in surprise. The woman choked out a garble of disbelief, frantically trying to get away.

“Sorry!” she squawked, trying to rip free of Bill’s tightening grip. “Someone help me!”

“Time to go!” Pine Tree grabbed Bill’s shirt, and he yanked the demon after Shooting Star, who was already darting away to purchase the clothing for Bill.

They didn't stick around after that, practically tossing their bags into the car before scrambling in. Bill wasn't sure why they were running away. He wasn't afraid of the human bitch. He would beat her senseless if he needed to. But Pine Tree peeled out of the parking lot, speeding in the direction towards the Mystery Shack.

Shooting Star was ecstatic once they were traveling down the road, squirming in her seat, “Bill, that was awesome! She totally had it coming. I hate that woman.”

“I might have argued back if you didn't have a thing for her daughter,” Pine Tree spoke up with a slight grin. “Figured I shouldn't ruin your chances.”

“Dipper!” Shooting Star squealed, trying to cover her brother's mouth. However, she turned to hold a hand out to Bill. “Slide me some skin, demon boy.”

“You want my skin?” Bill blinked, but he went to pick at his still healing cuts.

“No!” Mabel practically gagged. “I wanted to high five you for scaring Priscilla Northwest.”

“And me,” Pine Tree admitted. “Your eye glowed blue. It was… Impressive. Even if I thought you were going to turn full demon and burn down the store.”

Bill pursed his lips. He hadn't been aware that his eye had turned blue. It was something he controlled so easily in his main form. But in the human form, magic was useless. He still couldn't access it.

“I'm saving that for another time,” Bill waved his hand idly.

“Really hope you're joking,” Pine Tree’s eyes met his in the rearview mirror.

Bill only smirked. However, the more he processed all that had been said, he realized that the mystery twins had to know the bitch they'd run into.

“That piece of shit from the store,” the demon began. “Did she know you as well?”

“Kind of,” Pine Tree admitted. “I've gone to their mansion to help get rid of an angry lumberjack ghost.”

“You should have told me you knew her then!” Bill gently kicked the back of the boy’s seat. “I could have punched her!”

“What…?”

“You knew her and she deserved it. I could have punched her.”

“No, Bill. I still wouldn't let you punch her,” Pine Tree sighed, but he smiled at Bill through the mirror. “But uh… Yeah. Thanks. For having my back there.”

“Literally, you clumsy fuck. Besides. Only I can push you down and call you an idiot, idiot. But sure thing, kid.”

Dipper’s smile only widened. Bill smiled back.