I'm A Scholar and A Gentleman
“Alright, Cipher, you’ve been here three weeks,” Ford prodded Bill in the chest. “It’s about time you start trying to access those memories.”
Ford and Dipper had set up camp in the lab for the morning with Bill as their test subject. However, Bill didn’t seem too prone on actually trying to get his memories resurfacing. Like most things to the demon in human form, this was simply another game.
“And try to remember by two p.m,” Dipper added. “I have a tour.”
“We,” Bill corrected. “Have a tour.”
Surprisingly enough, having Bill accompany him on the mystery tours hadn’t been terrible. The boy allowed Dipper to share his tales whilst also impressing everyone else with his own history blurbs. Plus it’d been an entire week having to be near each other and they hadn’t killed each other, which was quite the accomplishment.
“Just think,” Ford huffed. “Give us a name, an appearance, a time frame. Literally anything. When is the world going to end, exactly?”
“Within the next six months,” Bill said immediately. “I can remember that much.”
“Then you can remember more.”
“Are you positive on this?”
“Try, or I’ll bring Waddles down and make him cuddle you,” Dipper warned. For some odd reason Bill didn’t enjoy the cute pig’s presence.
“Filthy,” Bill grimaced.
Which was another odd happening. Bill wasn’t a fan of dirt. Blood, he didn’t mind at all. Once on a tour they had stumbled across an unfortunate opossum that seemed to have gotten squashed by something large (Dipper was curious to find out what, as it nearly looked like a footprint beneath the dead animal) and Bill immediately picked it up in wide-eyed wonder.
“Bill,” Dipper gagged, as the tourists all covered their eyes. “Go throw that off the path.”
“I’m going to keep it,” Bill made like he was about to tie the dead animal’s tail onto the loop of his belt.
“No!” Dipper protested. “That’s so disgusting, you aren’t bringing that into the house!”
Bill’s eyes had flashed with irritation, and Dipper felt momentarily afraid. However, he reached out gingerly and pried Bill’s hands away from the squashed carcass. As quickly as he could, he kicked it off the path (RIP poor opossum) and squeamishly wiped his hands off on Bill.
“I’ll just find it later then,” Bill had huffed, and then Dipper thought he heard the boy mumble under his breath. “Or I’ll squish you flat instead, asshole.”
But he chose to ignore Bill so he could apologize to their tourists and continue on down the path.
But of course, Bill still shrugged off Dipper’s threats of retrieving Waddles, “Come on, Bill. Why can’t you take this seriously? We’re supposed to be teaming up to stop this demon, or the demon is going to end up stealing all your glory.”
Instead, Bill stood and stretched, “I have to use the pisser.”
“It's hopeless,” Dipper flung his hands in the air. “He doesn't remember or care. Or he remembers and he just wants us dead. I don't know why we’re even giving him a chance.”
Bill yawned, walking away in a bored fashion and heading out of the lab. Ford sighed, placing his hand on Dipper’s shoulder.
“I've dealt with him before, kid. And he might remember everything like you said, but no matter what he's going to do things on his own time. That's just what he is, he's a demon. He doesn't care much for others, so it was shocking to me that he even came searching for you and Mabel in the first place.”
Dipper looked to the stairs where Bill had disappeared, “He drives me insane. Do you think killing him would have any effect?”
“Yes, actually,” Ford murmured. “I think killing him in his human form would kill him permanently. Stan and I discussed it… That if he ever is to start showing signs of violence, we’re taking him out while he's at his weakest.”
“He's fine for now,” Dipper was quick to defend. He ended up startling himself with how fast he had shot down Ford’s slight threat, but it was a surprise to hear that killing Bill whilst he was human would be a permanent thing. It wasn't that he didn't want Bill dead, because he did. It would make living easier. But at the same time he just… didn't want Bill dead.
“Yes, he hasn't seemed very violent,” Ford agreed. “Not in front of us, at least. He isn't cruel to you when we aren't around is he?”
“No. He's annoying but he doesn't hurt us or threaten to, really. Only once in awhile if we make him frustrated.”
“Just watch him,” his great uncle nodded. “I know you could put him in his place if needed.”
With that, Dipper retreated back upstairs. Bill was on the couch, which was still his bed, with Mabel flipping through a book next to him.
“Your ham is sniffing me, Shooting Star!” Bill declared, pulling his legs up in disgust.
“Waddles is hungry,” Mabel teased.
That seemed to catch Bill’s attention, “Hmm… Does he eat flesh?”
“Only demon flesh,” Mabel lied. “Billy-Bob, what do you know about Shape Shifters? I think one keeps trying to get in my room. Dipper has been too busy to help me figure out what it is.”
“It can't be a Shape Shifter, you goof,” Bill laughed, but surprisingly the sound wasn't malicious. “It would've walked right in looking like your uncles or brother.”
“It was white and slimy though!” Mabel sighed, starting to flip through the book again. “Or its stomach was…”
Bill pursed his lips, “Did it make sound?”
“It tapped on my window. Lots of tapping.”
“Mutant millipede,” Bill said decisively. “Just get your usual human bug killing crap and spray around your window.”
Dipper was quite impressed with how fast Bill had come up with the answer, and Mabel was apparently impressed as well, because she punched the demon in the arm, “You’re faster than Dipper!”
Bill waggled his finger at her, “I'll bite back, Shooting Star. That was a weak hit anyway.”
“That's because it was a play hit,” Mabel explained.
Stepping out from where he was watching the two, Dipper interrupted before Bill could respond, “Are you ready for the tour?”
“I need to go harass Red,” Bill announced, referring to Wendy. “She's gone by unscathed so far, but today is the day.”
“No,” Dipper snapped, still grumpy from Bill’s uncooperative behavior in the lab. “Just leave her alone and go put shoes on.”
“Not my boss, Pine Tree.”
It only made Dipper angrier, and he was prepared to fist fight the obnoxious boy. Instead he shot Mabel an exasperated look and stalked out to the gift shop to find Wendy and warn her.
The shop was small, but it was well packed with weird souvenirs and plenty of clothing with strange prints. Mabel and Stan were the planners of what was ordered, and together they came up with some pretty unique inventory.
Dipper found Wendy sitting on a stool behind the desk, flipping through a magazine. He sighed, dragging himself up behind the counter with the girl and slumping down on a cooler next to her.
“I'm going to kill Bill,” Dipper murmured, rubbing at his temples.
The girl chuckled, placing her magazine to the side, “What's wrong, little dude?”
“Well for one, we’re the same height now,” the boy protested. “And Bill is just really pestering me. I thought he was improving, he actually seemed helpful. But we’re probably all going to die in six months, and Bill isn't doing anything to help like he said he would. He's just being obnoxious and doing what he wants. He’ll probably come in here soon because he said he wanted to annoy you.”
Wendy shrugged, “I just ignore him. It makes him mad if you ignore him.”
“It's hard to ignore him if I do tours with him,” Dipper huffed.
“Just focus more on the tourists,” Wendy suggested. “You're smart, Dipper. You can outsmart Bill.”
And Dipper made it his goal, at that moment, to purposely ignore Bill until the demon actually tried to help them learn more about their impending doom.
…
“This is the area where a large family of gnomes used to live. After they formed a costume to appear like a human and then formed a giant gnome and nearly crushed us all, we drove them further from the shack.”
Dipper hadn't so much as even looked at Bill. When Bill would give his little bit of knowledge on the forest around Gravity Falls, Dipper would examine his hands boredly. Of course Bill still charmed to tourists. His human form was handsome, Dipper would give him that even though Bill called himself ugly, and he was wise enough that his bits of history always had the attention of everyone.
The second Bill realized that Dipper wasn't paying attention to him, he was right on Dipper’s heels tormenting him.
“Pine Tree, I'm going to stick a worm down your shirt,” Bill tried.
Dipper ignored him.
Further along during the tour Bill snatched Dipper’s hat, exchanging it with the top hat he generally wore. Dipper still didn't look at him or acknowledge him.
Bill eventually switched their hats back, but he placed a locust inside Dipper’s. Dipper flailed quite a bit to get the gross bug out, but he didn't snap at Bill like he wanted to. He could almost hear Bill’s huff of irritation.
Back at the Mystery Shack, Dipper thanked the tourists before practically bolting away to hide. When he snuck a glance back at the demon, he expected a scowl, but was only greeted with a look of confusion. He wasn't sure if it was as satisfying as he hoped.
x
Mabel wasn't afraid of Bill. Or, she told herself that she wasn't. He'd given her reason to fear him before, but since his return he hadn't caused her any harm and only caused her a tiny bit of trouble.
Still, when Bill suddenly appeared behind the cash register where Mabel had taken over Wendy’s shift, she let out a tiny squeal. Waddles echoed her, bolting out of his pig bed and tumbling clumsily to the floor.
“Shooting Star,” Bill frowned.
“Billpher,” Mabel clutched her chest with one arm and leaned to console Waddles with the other. The poor swine was practically hyperventilating. “You can't scare us like that!”
His brow furrowed, “I hardly did anything that could be considered scary.”
“You just apparated from the air!”
Bill no longer cared, Mabel could tell, because he used his foot to press Waddles away as the pig tried to sniff at his ankles, “I think… How do you know if Pine Tree is angry with you? You're good at human things.”
Mabel’s eyebrows shot up, “If Dipper is angry with me he tells me. Or he pouts until I go see what’s wrong. He's a big baby sometimes, it's so obvious I'm the older twin.”
“I think I've angered him.”
“Was it not your goal to anger him…?” Mabel was surprised by how much thought and care the demon was putting into this. Generally he thrived off of anger and pain.
“Well he’s ignoring me,” Bill continued. “More than usual. If he is angry with me he should fight me, not ignore me.”
That sounded much more like the Bill Mabel knew, “He’ll get over it, Billrito.”
“How can I make him get over it faster?” Bill pressed.
Mabel only laughed, “You could apologize.”
“No,” the demon immediately shot down. “I didn't do anything wrong. I've got a deal for you.”
Suspicion washed over Mabel, but at the word deal she immediately thought of what she could ask for. There was a certain blonde haired girl who had been sent away shortly after Mabel herself had left Gravity Falls many summers ago. Someone Mabel missed very much, someone Mabel wished she could have gotten closer with. Someone Mabel was certain she could have loved. Pacifica. But rather than asking immediately to see Pacifica again, “It doesn't involve any souls, does it?”
“If you convince your brother to stop ignoring me, then I'll help you get rid of the mutant millipede,” Bill offered. Of course it was a much simpler deal. Bill was practically human. Mabel wasn't sure what she had been thinking, but she couldn't help but feel a wave of sadness.
Still, it wasn't a dangerous deal. Mabel figured it would be nice anyway to have someone help her with the millipede, anyway.
“How do I know you'll keep your word?”
“I always keep my word, Shooting Star,” Bill held out his hand to shake on it.
“What a gentleman.”
And so Mabel shook his hand. Of course, Stan stepped into the shop at that exact moment, bellowing out, “What the hell?!”
Mabel quickly held her hands up as her Grunkle grabbed a wooden walking stick from a rack and started advancing on Bill.
“No, no, it wasn't a bad deal!”
“Calm yourself, Stanley-”
However, Stan swung at Bill anyway. There was a large crack as the stick connected, and Bill fell to the floor.
The human-demon sat in silence for a few moments, but then he laughed, “I'm seeing shooting stars, Shooting Star.”
“I promised him I’d get Dipper to stop ignoring him if he helped me with the mutant millipede that wants in my room,” Mabel squeaked at her angry grunkle.
Glancing down at Bill, his only good eye was red and already swelling. He was prodding at it and grinning to himself. Mabel decided to let him be, it was better than him being angry that Stan had hit him once again.
“Oh,” Grunkle Stan said in a gruff voice. “I was just hitting him in preparation for a future annoyance then.”
…
Mabel kept her end of the deal the next day, plopping herself down next to Dipper, who was reading with a pencil tucked behind his ear, and helped herself to some of the peanut butter toast he was eating. He was too entranced by his book to notice anyway.
“So,” Mabel drawled, leaning her head on her brother’s shoulder.
She saw Bill and his blackened eye poke his head into the kitchen, and she scrunched her nose at him. She’d already told him, after he had made a mess out of the giant millipede by splitting it in half right outside her window, that he would have to stay away while she talked to Dipper or else Dipper might not listen entirely to her.
Obligating her order, Bill disappeared again. Dipper only just seemed to realize that Mabel was there, and he patted her head, “Hey, Mabel.”
Waddles snuffled around at her feet, nudging at Dipper in hopes for peanut butter. She grinned largely at her brother, “How are you this morning? Are you good?”
Dipper blinked, “Sure…? Well, actually I am good. I haven't seen Bill since our tour yesterday. Not a single glance of him.”
“Well he hasn't seen much of anyone either, he's got a black eye,” Mabel muttered to herself.
“He what?” Dipper asked.
“Never mind,” Mabel said quickly. “Let's cut to the chase. Are you mad at Bill?”
Dipper scoffed, “When am I not mad at Bill?”
“When he backed you up last week when Priscilla Northwest was a snob you didn't seem mad at him…”
“He doesn't listen!” Dipper barked, but when Mabel jumped in surprise he lowered his voice and offered her more toast. “I was hoping I would have been able to get more information of this other demon out of him. Or that he’d at least help me. I've been going crazy trying to find information about the mindscape from Ford’s journals and stuff, and Ford and Stan are looking, too, but. There's only one person who really knew the mindscape and he says he can't remember.”
“And so you're mad at him.”
“I just don't need to talk to him if he's not going to help.”
At that moment, Bill came stomping into the kitchen and yanked the book Dipper had in his hands away, flipping through it and skimming over the pages.
“Bill, your eye,” Dipper blanched.
“Grunkle Stan saw Bill and I making a deal,” Mabel explained, but as Dipper started to stiffen she continued. “He killed the millipede outside my room so I told him I'd talk to you and find out why you were ignoring him.”
Bill was scowling as he flipped through the pages, but then he came to a blank page and his hand shot across the table to pluck the pencil out from behind Dipper’s ear. He began scrawling things out in the book.
- younger than me
- can only control parts of the mindscape
- identifies as a “female”
“What… What are those things?” Dipper asked.
Bill pressed his finger against his bruised eye, “I think they're memories, I'm trying to bring them out from wherever they're locked up... Pain helps.”
“Stop!” Dipper interjected, prying Bill’s hand away from his eye and clutching it in his own hand to keep the demon from hurting himself. Mabel was staring in as much of surprise as Bill was. “You're going to blind yourself, that's the only eye you have you idiot.”
“Did that help you, Pine Tree?” Bill asked. “The things I remembered?
“They help,” Dipper murmured. “Thank you. But don't hurt yourself to get these things out.”
Bill shrugged, “Fine, but I'm going to fix all the shit you have wrong in this journal. You're so wrong about so many things. I can still remember the mindscape. Just not how it's been since you losers trapped me in stone.”
At that, Bill punched Dipper in the arm, hard enough to make a loud thumping sound. Dipper yelped, “Ouch, you asshole!”
“It was a play hit!” Bill waved his hand.
“For a someone so smart you still have so much to learn,” Mabel sighed. “Your intentions were playful but… gently next time. Normal people don't like pain.”
Bill simply chuckled, and Dipper walked over to punch the demon back (Bill laughed of course) before he sat down, “Fine. Tell me about the fucking mindscape.”
“In a scholarly fashion,” Mabel noted. “Teach us, Professor Bill.”
“Why, certainly,” Bill was pleasant once more as he began flipping through the book, scribbling out several things and rewriting.
Mabel smiled at her brother and the demon. For two people that had once wanted to kill each other, they worked well together. If they actually stayed working productively, their brains could figure out some extremely amazing things, she knew. They also looked cute together hunched over the book, their fingers bumping as they pointed things out to one another. She slipped Waddles the rest of Dipper’s uneaten toast. Her job was done.
x
Pine Tree was talking to him again, and all he had to do was force his mind to remember. Evidently, human pain was enough to make his mind scrounge for memories. He couldn't remember much, and it was rather frustrating, but he didn't want to think about it.
It wasn't like he liked having practically been defeated by the newer demon. It made him feel weak. And Bill Cipher was not weak.
Bill really enjoyed being the center of attention, especially if it was Pine Tree’s attention. He liked being smarter than the kid, but he also enjoyed being constantly surprised by the brain the boy had in him.
Dipper seemed impressed as well, reluctantly so, at Bill’s reformatting of his equations and hypotheses of the mindscape. Of course Bill could edit Dipper’s books and journals. He was a fucking scholar.
One thing he couldn't comprehend, however, was the strange tingling he felt when Pine Tree would brush against him, or lean in closer to see what Bill was writing down. His strange human pulse maker also seemed to freak out at odd times, such as when Pine Tree would look directly at him.
He certainly was not afraid of Pine Tree, he could kill Pine Tree at any time, so it honestly made little to no sense when his pulse would race. He brushed it off, however, because focusing on those things would only make him weaker. He kept his mind open and only thought about going forward. It was the best way to remain powerful. Bill was always thinking though, sometimes about several things at once, so he could think about equations and still the thought of Pine Tree chuckling at Bill stumbling over his stupid human legs would surface in his brain.
Yet, with Pine Tree looking to Bill as a leader in his learning of the mindscape and Shooting Star making that odd delicious noodle substance that made his stomach stop rumbling, Bill couldn’t be bothered to let the small thoughts concern him. He felt in control (even of the stupid swine that laid on his foot) and he liked it like that.