I Had A Cane and A Party Hat
“What the hell do we do with him now?”
“Let's crush him up and feed him to Soos.”
Bill’s head felt odd, throbbing in a funny sort of way that could only be human pain. Humans were such fragile creatures, it definitely wasn't a form he would willingly take.
His eye fluttered open, and he pursed his lips up at the three humans staring down at him. Stanley or Stanford, he could only tell by a glance at the man’s hand. Five fingers, definitely Stanley. Shooting Star, whose hair was still as long as before and whose human garn was still on the fluffier side. And then there was Pine Tree. The boy had certainly changed in the time Bill had been trapped. He wore the same blue and white hat, brown curls poking from beneath it, but he had definitely filled out. He was less scrawny, slightly taller than his sister, and his voice had finally deepened. In fact, Bill thought he could perhaps even detect a few hairs on the boy’s narrow chin.
However, he found himself annoyingly trapped by the humans once more. Not in stone, but rather by some sticky silver material that made his wrists and ankles tingle, almost as if he were cursing someone or shooting fire from his palms. He appeared to be laying across a wooden table in the kitchen, and the others were simply standing around him. If he hadn't been so amused at the brief moment of pain and what could only be “sleep” he might have been angry with Stanley.
“Guys, his eyes are open,” announced Shooting Star. Stanley raised a fist again, but Shooting Star grabbed the man’s arm and shook her head. “We need to hear about this ‘impending doom’ he talked about.”
When Bill spoke, it came out sounding as if his vocal chords had been grabbed and stretched out, “It'll be fun.”
“Where's the duct tape?” Stanley huffed. “Why didn't we tape his mouth?”
Pine Tree had his arms crossed over his chest, his brow furrowed into quite the crease. It amused Bill to see him thinking so hard, “Pine Tree, keep that little mind going. I want to see if you'll explode.”
“Alright, smart-ass,” Stanley snarled as Pine Tree looked angry enough to burst into flames. Bill gave a bark of laughter, but the old man clamped a hand down over his mouth. Until, at least, Bill used it as the opportunity to sink his teeth into the calloused flesh. “Ouch, you little shit! You have less ten seconds to explain yourself and then I'm making you into demon fries and serving you to tourists.”
“Sit me up and free me from these human strips and I'll think about it,” Bill wiggled his fingers. It was then he noticed they were glass free and covered with flowery little strips. “Also, why am I not bleeding anymore? That was fun.”
“Mabel and her first aid kit got to you, but I can make you bleed more if you'd like,” Stanley’s finger prodded Bill on a cut on his cheek. It stung, and Bill laughed.
“Jesus,” Pine Tree huffed, beating his fist on the table near Bill’s head. “Just tell us about this demon you were talking about.”
Bill loved seeing the kid flustered, and he considered stalling more. Stalling would possibly only result in being killed, however, and Bill wasn’t sure how invincible he was in the form. Nor did he know if he would regenerate back into the mindscape.
“Alright kiddies,” Bill squirmed, trying to sit himself up. No one moved to help him, so he flopped back on to the table. “Story time. There's a demon. One that I can't actually remember because the human mind is an extremely useless thing. I just know there's someone controlling the mindscape that doesn't want me there because I would never choose to inhabit this form.”
Pine Tree narrowed his eyes, “If you can't remember the new demon, how do you know that they want to wipe out humanity?”
“Because I can hear their voiceless thoughts in my useless human memory. It's odd.”
And it was odd, being in the strange body. He remembered well enough from inhabiting Pine Tree as a host that humans were very needy creatures. Their memory was short lasting and limited. Bill couldn’t for the life of him remember the demon’s appearance or name, how he had gotten booted from the mindscape, nor how he had ended up in human form.
But when he had awoken in a field near the rundown human shack, the first thing that came to mind was the surprisingly smart boy with the pine tree hat and the wild brown hair. The other thing he could remember clearly was the new demon that wanted to end the world, and he knew that if any helpless human could help him out, it would be the helpless Pine Tree and his human accomplices.
“He’s lying,” Pine Tree said decisively. “He has to be lying.”
“Cut him some slack, Bro-Bro,” Shooting Star finally sighed. “He hasn’t done anything wrong yet. If he’s actually giving us a heads up, then it’s really nice of him to do.”
“I may be deceiving, but I never lie,” Bill flashed them a grin. “Shooting Star, would you help me sit up?”
Pine Tree and Stanley both grumbled to themselves as the girl pulled Bill into a sitting position, “Okay, but you have to be nice. You can’t make walls catch on fire or anything like that. And you can’t possess my brother.”
Bill pouted. Pine Tree had been his favorite human to control. It was a moot point anyhow, Bill didn’t know how to get out of the human form he was in. As hard as he had tried, he couldn’t seem to get any form of magic to come forth from his useless human flesh and he couldn’t get back to his favourite triangular shape. He was simply stuck looking like an ugly meatsack.
“You say that like he’s staying around,” Stanley squinted suspiciously.
Shooting Star placed her hands on both Stanley and Pine Tree’s shoulders, “Hear me out. We really should keep Bill around until we can get more information out of him. I’m sure Grunkle Ford has somewhere we can keep him where he won’t hurt anything or anyone.”
“Stanford!” Bill exclaimed gleefully. “My little six fingered weirdo. Where is he?”
It’d been quite some time since he had been able to mess with his first ever favorite meatsack. He had quite enjoyed messing with Stanford decades prior. However, now that Stanford’s nephew, who was somehow just as interesting - perhaps it was his impressive human intelligence - had taken Stanford’s spot as Bill’s favorite meatsack to torture.
Stanley was staring hard at Bill as he pondered, but then he sighed and looked to Pine Tree and Shooting Star, “I hate to admit that we’ll need Ford’s opinion, but go find my brother and bring him up here. He’s probably in the lab.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone with-” Pine Tree tried to protest, but Stanley smirked.
“If he tries anything, I’ll just knock him back out. In fact, I might knock him out even if he doesn’t try anything.”
Bill cackled, imagining Stanley’s fist connecting with his human head again, “You’re hysterical, Stanley.”
Shooting Star grabbed Pine Tree’s arm, guiding him from the room, “Grunkle Stan has got this. I wanted to ask Grunkle Ford if I could give him sharpie art anyway.”
Pine Tree tried to protest as Shooting Star pulled him from the room, towards what Bill knew was the strange human attraction that Stanley owned. The boy let his sister guide him though and it left Bill alone with the grumpy old man. He gave Stanley a devious grin, only to be pushed backwards. With his hands tied up he was unable to catch himself, and his head hit the hardwood with a loud thump. Bill chuckled as his vision was momentarily blurry, and then Stanley had him by his shirt.
“Listen you piece of shit demon,” Stanley snarled. “If you’re thinking about laying a single finger on my niece or nephew, you’ve got another thing coming. I’ll tear you apart just like I did in the mindscape.”
Bill continued to grin. Stanley’s threats were adorable, “Silly Pines. I’m not going to hurt Shooting Star or Pine Tree. I’ll need their help so I need them alive.”
His words didn’t seem to comfort Stanley at all. In fact, with a solid thump, Stanley’s fist connected with his fragile and useless human skull, and Bill was once again knocked unconscious.
x
Grunkle Ford had been less than pleased to hear news of the return of Bill. He had nearly forced Dipper and Mabel to remain in the lab as he went tearing his way up to the kitchen, the twins traipsing behind him determinedly.
“Where’s the asshole at?” Ford barked, looking around the empty gift shop as he emerged from behind the snack machine.
“He’s in the kitchen,” Mabel replied, stepping out behind him, but she squinted. “Unless Grunkle Stan killed him. He’s quiet.”
Killing the demon seemed like a good plan to Dipper, but at the same time if Bill held valuable information like he said then Mabel was right. He’d be useful to have around, at least until they had more information on the situation. Dipper stayed right on Ford’s heels, knowing that he would have a good plan. Ford was still Dipper’s role model of sorts.
Stan was messing with the leaky faucet of the sink, Bill still lying across the table.
“You didn’t kill him, right?” Mabel asked.
“Not yet,” Stan grumbled. “He was obnoxious, so I punched him again.”
Ford stood over the unconscious boy, prodding at his face, his chest, and lifting up the black eyepatch, “Why are you so sure it’s Bill?”
“The one eye,” Mabel crept up to peer over Ford’s shoulder.
“And the voice,” Dipper added. The more he heard it, the more it stuck out in his mind. He’d had it in his head, in his dreams.
Ford nodded, “Do we know why he’s trapped in the form of a human?”
“No, he doesn’t remember.”
“Well he doesn’t seem to be possessing anyone. This looks like his own personal human body.”
“And I don’t think he has his powers,” Mabel noted. “Or at least he can’t access them.”
Stan rejoined them, scowling down at the long teen. “Did they tell you about the apparent second doomsday that is coming?”
Ford’s lips tightened, “What?”
“I know,” Dipper groaned. “He says he's here because there's a new demon in the mindscape and he wants to rule the world.”
“Does he know anything about this demon?”
“No,” Stan said, glaring at the demon. “He conveniently forgot.”
“I'm not giving him leeway when I say this,” Ford frowned. “But being trapped in human form may have messed with his memory enough that he actually doesn't remember.”
“You're picking his side?” Dipper almost yelled.
“No. I am not picking his side. I'm just saying that's what may have happened. The human mind is a fragile thing.”
Stan rolled his eyes, “I've had my memory wiped before but that didn't stop me from remembering.”
“Yeah, and you can thank Dipper and Mabel for that,” Ford pointed out. “If anyone can help someone remember something, it's these kids.”
“Adults,” Mabel coughed into her first. “We’re seventeen Grunkle Ford.”
“And I'm sixty-four,” Ford couldn't help but smile, and ruffled Mable’s hair. “Kid.”
“Grunkle Ford,” Mabel tried to sound stern, but she smiled at her uncle.
Bill stirred on the table, and Dipper stepped forward to get a closer look as the single eye flew open in surprise. The demon-human scowled this time, his playful exterior gone. Dipper felt the urge to step back. He knew just what Bill was capable of. Ford wasn't phased, but rather he grabbed Bill’s shoulders and pulled him into a sitting position.
“Stanford!” Bill exclaimed. “Long time no see.”
“So you're going to tell us everything you know, or I'll dip you in acid.”
Bill pulled at his wrists, “You’re cute if you think pain scares me. How about you get your brother to stop knocking me the fuck out and then maybe I'll play nice. In fact, I thought I was being very civilized as it was. The only ones who have treated me with the respect I deserve are Shooting Star and Pine Tree.”
“I'm suspecting Mabel is the source of your flower bandaids,” Ford noted, more to himself than the boy.
Bill’s single eye flickered onto Dipper as Ford turned to whisper something to Stan. Dipper’s heart rate elevated as Bill’s gaze remained on him, and a smile stretched across the demon’s face.
“Pine Tree,” Bill practically cooed. “I think of us as friends. I mean, I've inhabited you before so we’re practically the same person. Untie me.”
“Hush,” Ford interrupted. “I’ll untie you, but you're going to tell me what you know.”
“Sure,” Bill said pleasantly.
The moment Bill’s hands were free he was lifting his bandages to peek under them, prodding at the cuts on his face, and wiggling his limbs clumsily.
“Spill,” Stan grumbled. Mabel had left the room to find Waddles to make sure he was okay with their new visitor, and Dipper was left with Bill and his uncles.
Bill pursed his lips, “Well… I remember waking up in a field. I can remember a loud voice referring to me as “annoying” and “a problem”. Frankly, I'm flattered. However, I'm also really pissed that I was sent here. I'm not about to let some other fucker destroy the world. Only I can do that. Even worse, I can't use my magic and I can't get out of this ugly ass meatsack. I can't complain too much, though. I still had my bad ass hat and cane, I'm just not sure where those are at the moment.”
Dipper wasn't sure if he would call the human form ugly, but he didn't say anything. He simply watched Bill closely as the trapped demon picked at his bandages.
“He's telling the truth,” Ford sighed. “He always keeps deals and he rarely lies. He just hides things and twists shit around.”
“So what are we doing with him, then?” Stan asked his brother as he crossed his large arms over his chest.
As if he was helping, Bill piped in, “I can stay in Pine Tree’s room.”
“No!” Stan and Dipper bellowed in unison. Ford simply shook his head.
“You really only need a place to sleep, because if you're staying here you won't have much free time. You'll be working. So you can choose between the couch, or, if you fuck up in the slightest I'll lock you up in my ‘experiment gone wrong’ cage. And it's a pretty small cage so I'll be stuffing your lanky ass into it.”
“As fun as that second option sounds, I'll go with this couch you speak of. Is that in Pine Tree’s room?”
“You're not staying in my room!” Dipper practically shrieked, before clearing his throat and deepening his voice. “Uh. You're not staying in my room.”
It only made Bill laugh, but Dipper had had enough with the stupid demon-human. He stomped off to the gift shop to organize some things. Stan had closed the Shack down for a few days to allow birthday celebrations for the twins. This left the shack empty of Soos and Wendy for the day, which meant Dipper had no one to rant to but Mabel and Waddles. Which of course he used to his full advantage, Mabel patting him consolingly on the back the entire time.
Luckily Dipper didn't see much of the demon-human after that. Ford seemed to keep the tall freak in the lab with him. Mabel prepared Bill a small bed on the couch, one that Waddles made himself at home on until Bill came stumbling into the kitchen and sent the pig squealing towards Mabel’s room.
“I'm so used to levitating, how do you humans do this?” he grumbled.
“Just flop in and I'll cover you up,” Mabel offered.
Dipper used Bill’s distraction with the couch to pull Mabel aside and whisper into her ear, “Why are you being so nice to him?”
Mabel shrugged, “Because he doesn't have anyone to look out for him. We had each other when we first came here, but he's all alone.”
“This is Bill Cipher,” Dipper reminded. “He doesn't deserve kindness.”
“Dipper,” Mabel said softly. “By being mean we’re just acting like Bill. In fact kindness will probably affect him more than being mean would.”
Mabel focused back on Bill then, whose limbs were hanging awkwardly off the couch, “I'm fairly certain I'm doing this correctly. What now, Shooting Star?”
Dipper didn't hear what Mabel said next, he was too preoccupied thinking about what she had said. He didn't leave her alone with Bill, however. He made sure she was safely in her room and had her promise to yell if she needed him before retreating to his own room in the attic.
He knew for a fact he wouldn't get any sleep with a demon below him. Bill most likely wouldn't sleep, the demon hardly knew what sleep was when he possessed Dipper years prior. Dipper only hoped the weird kid ( if he could even call him a kid, Bill was old as hell, maybe even literally) wouldn't be wandering around while the others slept. If anything Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford would remain awake as well to keep an eye on Bill.
Somehow, unfortunately, Dipper did doze off after several hours of tossing and turning. It was a light sleep, but Dipper knew it was sleep because he jolted to attention at the sound of his door creaking open. He brushed it off as Waddles at first, that was, until he heard a soft thud, a grumbled curse, and opened his eyes to come face to face with a single eye glowing blue.
“Holy fuck!” Dipper screamed.
“Shhh!” Bill’s voice hissed immediately. “Quiet Pine Tree, I'm not here to kill you. I just have a question. It was hard enough getting up the damn steps, don't make someone take me back down them.”
“What do you want?” Dipper snapped. “I told you already you can't stay in my room.”
“There's a pressure in my lower region,” Bill stated matter of factly.
Dipper blinked. “Bill. What the fuck? You can't just tell people that.”
“It's right here,” Bill pointed below his belly button. It's an interesting discomfort, I can deal, but I wanted to know if it means I'm going to die or rip open or something.”
Dipper understood then. Bill wasn't being sexual, he just had to piss. He nearly laughed at the simplicity of Bill’s issue. For someone as clever as the demon, Bill was hopeless, “You idiot, you have to go to the bathroom. Humans do that you know.”
“Show me,” Bill declared.
“I'll show you the bathroom but I'm not showing you how to use it,” Dipper sighed, kicking off his blankets and guiding Bill back down the steps.
Like Bill had stated, he certainly had a hard time working his long legs down the rickety stairs, but after several minutes of Dipper hissing at him from the bottom to stop making so much noise, Bill made it down with a look of pride, “I'll be better than you at this human shit in no time.”
As they reached the bathroom, Dipper flipped the light on for Bill. With them both out of the dark, Dipper quickly realized that Bill was wearing what could only be a pair of Ford’s clothes as pajamas. They were baggy on Bill’s scrawny form but much too short for the demon’s long limbs. He knew his uncle would never share with a demon, so Mabel could be the only one to have been so generous. He half considered following his sister’s ways, but he’d treat Bill how ever he pleased. He was already helping the human-demon piss as it was.
“Alright you fuck,” Dipper stated. “I know you have to know what a penis is because that's right up your alley. That's what we use to go to the bathroom.”
“I didn't think everyone had a penis,” Bill hummed. “And I thought they were used for pleasure.”
“This is a bathroom trip, not an anatomy lesson. Christ,” Dipper groaned. “Just go in there, aim at the toilet with the lid up, and your body will know what to do from there.”
Dipper turned away since Bill didn't have the mind to shut the door behind him. He heard the flowing sound of Bill’s success, however, and then Bill started to come out looking smug. He had at least remembered to get his dick back in his pants.
“Flush and wipe your hands,” Dipper commanded.
“Sure, sure,” Bill nodded, stepping back into the bathroom to do as he was told.
Dipper crossed his arms over his chest, suddenly feeling exposed in just his boxers and t-shirt, but Bill flaunted past Dipper with his hands still dripping, the flower bandages hanging off loosely, “Thanks, Pine Tree! Have fun sleeping or whatever it is you do.”
Bill disappeared into the living room, and Dipper followed and peered in after the demon to make sure he was back on the couch. He was. He was simply face down on it and grumbling to himself about how human’s found enjoyment in such a boring process.
As Dipper turned to head back upstairs, he rubbed irritably at his forehead. He was sure he would go insane before his eighteenth birthday. Or maybe even before morning came.